Falling slowly

PHOEBE

Stupid. Idiot. Were they not one in the same? But she let it go, not wishing to argue semantics. ”How would you like me to take ownership of it? By saying yes, it was idiotic, I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away in the moment and been more careful? I shouldn’t have been so happy finding myself unmarried, uncommitted, alone and pregnant? You can’t possibly say that I of all people would bring a life into this world on accident. They might’ve been made on accident, and if that is what so upsets you, I’m sorry. I truly am sorry I disappointed you. But if I did not want them, it could have been helped and no one would have ever known but me.” she said seriously, frowning at him. She was a midwife – bringing life into the world was what she did, but she also knew how to prevent it and had done so for clients before. It was a conscious decision to bring that child into the world on her own. What nature did after that had been outside her control.

Her eyes fell to her own cup, feeling angry suddenly but holding it in, the slight puff of her cheeks the only indication of her irritation. Why was it so wrong to have wanted her baby? Why was it so wrong to have been happy, whether it had been planned or not? Tears rose in her eyes and she quickly wiped them away. Was she also not supposed to mourn because they’d not been planned? ”I don’t know if Emmett felt the same. I can only speak to my truth.” she said with a quiet sigh. ”Whether Emmett wanted to help or not I would have kept the baby and I would have loved them…I do love them.” she said, voice hardly above a whisper.

But Remi continued on, repeating himself but in a different construction. She swallowed a lump in her throat, feeling the emotions well up. She didn’t have the mental fortitude to stand her ground for long, and Remi’s disapproval cut her deeply. ”It doesn’t matter anymore anyways. My baby is dead.” she said, her tone a little snipped. Phoebe took a shuddering breath, shaking her head. ”I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I’m an idiot and fell for an idiot and didn’t do things in any way that you would have done them or picked someone you would have picked. I’m so sorry, Remi.” she said, her voice tight as tears pulled at her throat.

Cause getting your dreams
It's strange, but it seems
A little - well - complicated
There's a kind of a sort of : cost
There's a couple of things get: lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you crossed
Until you've crossed
And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill you like you think it will
Still, why am I not happier?