cup with dirt in it

Zavien

"Thanks again for coming with me." He said it for the twentieth time, but he meant it just as much as he did with the first. Zavien hadn't been doing well with Sol's departure - his nightmares came more frequent, and the anxieties constantly pulled at his thoughts without the comfort of the bond. Despite that, the Dragoon tried to put on a brave face, his smiles forced and tight as he looked to Koa. It didn't help that he'd told his friend about the quest, the one where he planned to use the one thing that could cure his sister for the 'greater good.'

Kneeling between two pools of water - one showing the deep depths of a colorful ocean and the other a castle on a mountainside - Zavien pulled his shovel and jar out of his bag. With his hands occupied, he felt comfortable finally asking, "Are you... upset that I don't plan on using the flower for Noe?" His voice was soft and uncertain, knowing how much Koa cared for his sister while also being unable to justify the one over the many.

I'd rather have a broken arm than a broken heart.

KOA

"Dude, I told you - literally no problem at all," Koa replies for the twentieth time, hoping his unfaltering enthusiasm will help his friend start to believe the words. Again he glances sidelong at Zavien, trying to suss out exactly how well he's holding up without Sol. Not great, based on what he's seen of Zavien's sleeping habits and waning expression. Pipsqueak tried to offer some comfort, but of course it wasn't remotely the same. It'd been the least he could do, offering to help Zav with his quest.

Which does not change how much he dislikes the Eyes of Vi, or how uneasy it makes him feel to see incongruent worlds reflected in their eerie gaze. He pointedly doesn't peer into the one beside him, instead opting to survey their surroundings, keeping an eye out for errant void beasts. Somewhere in the trees above them, Pipsqueak is doing the same. But guarded and alert as Koa is, nothing prepared him for Zavien's question, or the trembling uncertainty in his friend's voice.

"What-? Zav, no." Letting out a surprised bark of laughter, Koa spins to face his friend. "Honestly, I totally get it," he reassures earnestly, trying to catch Zavien's eye. And he does - gods know he'd agonized about the same thing constantly, ever since Sohalia told him of her plans.

Speaking of. "Plus, Soh's got a flower quest, too. And she said - insisted, really - that we'd use that one for Noe. So everything is good." He squeezes the Dragoon's upper arm firmly, nodding with an optimistic smile.

With each love I cut loose, I was never the same
Watching still living roots be consumed by the flame

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

Zavien

Koa's laughter was not something Zavien had been expecting, and it lessens the crushing guilt he'd been carrying. Still, he finds himself surprised by the reasoning, eyes blinking to register the words. "Really? I had no idea." It was a flat breathy remark of relief, and he realizes that he should be feeling happy to hear such news. To hear that Soh is pursuing the same task. 

As if his body's catching up with his mind, his smile forces onto his lips, more sincere than the previous ones. "That's actually really great. I'm glad she's going to be feeling better soon." He likes the girl, and he likes the way hope glows in Koa's eyes. 

Trying to distract himself from the pool showing snowy white hills and snowmen, Zavien kneels beside a different section of water - one with sunshine and rainbows (no really). He digs his shovel into the dirt as he wonders aloud, "I didn't realize Soh cared so much about your sister." Not that he's complaining about Noe getting cured, but it certainly seems strange for the would-be ruler to pick Koa's sister over any political advantages that may help her reclaim her title.

I'd rather have a broken arm than a broken heart.

KOA

"Yeah. Me too," Koa smiles, visibly lightened by this offering of hope. As much as he may have initially protested Sohalia's plan on principle, now that he's accepted it is with whole-hearted excitement and relief. Though Zavien's apparent reticence does make the young man falter; is the other Dragoon judging him - or worse, judging Soh - for choosing Noe above the greater good?

If he'd already been unsure about it, Zavien's next comment is enough to tip him all the way over in that direction. Blame the chip on his shoulder, or the strange and difficult emotions tied around this whole affair, but Koa grows quickly and clearly uncomfortable, his arms crossing tightly over his chest. "It's not that it's Noe; she'd do this for any Breaker," he counters with not entirely reasonable defensiveness, unwilling to let Zavien think anything ill of Soh. Or that he's pulled some special favor. Or that there's a deeper motivation related to unresolved feelings, though the barely visible reddening of his ears says something else.

Glancing down at Zavien, Koa softens, his stubborn defense giving way to uncertainty and doubt. "Do you think it's... that it's wrong, to use a flower for Noe? When there's so few of them?" Gods know he's wrestled with the issue, even if his internal debates all still end with the same conclusion: that his sister must be saved.

With each love I cut loose, I was never the same
Watching still living roots be consumed by the flame

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

Zavien

Startled out of his stupor by Koa's defensiveness, Zavien realizes how his words must have sounded, accusing and ungrateful for the gift Soh is giving his friend, like some self-righteous prick. His movements stop, horror and embarrassment crashing through him without anything to dampen the blows. Standing like he might be able to think a little better at higher altitude, he stutters out an apology. "Koa. I - I'm sorry. I didn't mean it - not like that." If he could look straight at his friend, he might have noticed the reddening of his ears as his own face begins to pale. "I guess I - I just didn't know she knew your sister." A lame excuse and he knows it. Having been the ruler it makes sense, but Stormbreak was big, and it was hard to believe that she knew and cared about every person enough to give up such a rare, influential item. 

Was that a mistake? "No - maybe? I - I don't know..." His mind starts reeling, a stream of unrelated but proximal thoughts slipping in. Who is he to tell anyone what to do? He's obviously been screwing everything up. He's the one who gave up. He's the one who died. 

Taking a deep, clarifying breath, he tries to steady himself, noticing how his breaths are coming faster and his thoughts more sluggish. Zavien presses a hand to his forehead. "I'm sorry... I'm just - just a little out of it. Please don't listen to anything I say." His smile is pained as he crouches back down to the dirt, hoping to escape the blundering conversation and the torrent of emotions.

I'd rather have a broken arm than a broken heart.

KOA

"I mean, they're not besties or anything. I'm pretty sure Noe doesn't even like Soh that much. But Soh knows how important Noe is to me - not that I asked her to do it, or she's doing it for my sake." Koa's babbling now, anticipating Zavien will ask the questions he's too scared to ask himself. It means he misses his friend's ongoing implosion, too stuck in his own personal well of anxiety to see beyond its lip.

And then Zavien confirms all his greatest fears - or doesn't really at all, but unfortunately Koa is primed to take the worst possible scenario and grossly overreact. Tensing, Koa looks away, his expression abruptly dark. "Okay, sure- maybe the right thing is to use it on Starfall. But I can't just let Noe stay under their thumb." He begins to pace, temper flaring, a week's worth of suppressed emotional conflict deciding it's time to be utterly misplaced. "She's my family. Doesn't that matter? What if it was your family, or Lena, or--"

It's Pipsqueak mental screeching that suddenly cuts him off and spins him on his heel, an aghast expression spreading over his face. She's descended to the ground beside the Dragoon, her inky eyes blinking in liquid concern as she shoves her scaly nose against him, attempting to burrow into his arms.  The little dragonling has noticed Zavien's apparently deteriorating mental state; she snarls at Koa mentally, clearly unimpressed by her bonded's inattention to his friends.

Koa, in turn, drops down to his heels, kneeling in the dirt beside his friend. "Zav, hey, you okay?" Koa asks, peering concernedly into Zavien's face.

With each love I cut loose, I was never the same
Watching still living roots be consumed by the flame

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

Zavien

Koa's words dig into his mind. He should be noticing the implications of what his friend is saying, how Soh cares enough about Koa to save his sister, how they're closer than he'd realized; but all he can hear is the frustration that he takes ownership of, having hurt his friend's feelings. Always the empath, Zavien immediately thinks of what it would be like for Lena to be infected - and subsequently, it being his fault. It takes a deep, cruel grip on his lungs and twisted, his vision narrowing for a moment as all his fears seem to converge. His stupidity. His inadequacy. His fault. Panic descends on him just as a smooth nose presses against his hand. 

He hadn't realized he'd closed his eyes, but Zavien pries them open to look at the dragon. Pipsqueak is as much a comfort as a reminder of Sol's absence, sending a sharp dagger of pain through his heart. It soothes while bumping against the missing piece of him, but it pulls him out of the moment enough to reorient him. Then Koa's concerned face is appearing in front of him, and he takes a shaky breath that shivers down his body. "Sorry - sorry. I - I'm fine. I - I just - just need a moment." In an attempt to reassure his friend - and maybe instill some of the related emotion in him - Zavien forces a weak smile.

I'd rather have a broken arm than a broken heart.

KOA

Ah, Koa, you really stepped in it this time.

It, as usual, being your mouth. Where your foot should probably just live at this point.

It might seem strange to some, how quickly he's able to shed his anger, like shrugging off a coat. But that's what happens when you're a brother in blood or in arms - you get really good at fighting, but more importantly, at ending a fight. Koa has enough years of fighting with the people he loves to know how to identify that critical shift, when things go from rough-housing to oh shit, you're hurt and someone has to let it go. If Zavien had snapped back or lashed out he might have kept going, but this?

This is something serious. Something deserving of a time-out.

Koa can feel his own pulse quicken in response to his friend's, though what exactly is going on he still can't really say. Kindness and care he can give his bestie, but actual practical knowledge? Oof. Still he does the best he can, a furrow carved between his brows as he smiles skeptically at his friend. "Take your time," he offers, while Pip continues to try to weasel closer to Zavien's chest.

Shifting a little, Koa drops a hand to dig down in the soft, damp dirt. A few moments pass, and then he says quietly: "Sorry, I was bein' an asshole." He glances up with a rueful, apologetic half-wince, half-smile. "Do you... wanna talk?" He doesn't think he's entirely responsible for Zavien's current state, but fuck if he isn't dense as a brick, and very aware of that fact. All he knows is he'd much prefer if his friend was yelling than doing this; at least anger is tangible, unlike this wasting pain.

With each love I cut loose, I was never the same
Watching still living roots be consumed by the flame

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

Zavien

Running a hand over Pipqueak's hide, he nods his head. His breaths slow a little more, the tunneling of his vision lessening even as his heart continues to ache. He could hear the birds chirping in the trees around them, smell the soil beneath their feet, feel the shovel in his hand. It all comes into focus, pushing back the anxieties enough to see Koa beginning to dig next to him.

Shaking his head, Zavien resumes the digging with a heavy reluctance. "It's not you." He doesn't smile this time, too sincere to be joking about his friend, especially as Koa opens up the conversation. Swallowing, he has difficulty looking away from the dirt. "It's just.... It's hard to focus without Sol." The words rake against the empty space, making him flinch. "I've been sleeping worse, and everything just seems... darker." His thoughts, his heart, the world. It was harder to handle without his companion to ground him.

I'd rather have a broken arm than a broken heart.

KOA

Koa's pretty sure it's at least kinda him, but he's willing to concede the point. Pushing his fingers through the soft dirt, he waits patiently for Zavien to go on. It reminds him of the difficult nights with Noe; being a brother has trained him in the art of lending an ear, being able to recognize when his own need to fix every problem is only going to make things worse. Sometimes there isn't an easy solution.

Like when your friend who is still traumatized from literally dying has distanced himself from the other half of his soul.

"Yeah, I've noticed." He puts some levity in the words, but there's deep concern there, too. Busy as they both are, on the nights they crash in their shared temporary housing the Dragoon has indeed seen Zavien's struggle, clocked his friend's tendency to restless sleep. But he's been too distracted and exhausted himself to really do more than distantly notice - another thing to feel guilty about, on top of it all.

But Koa's guilt isn't Zavien's problem. "Has anything helped?" Again he aims for a mixture of humor and care, raising eyebrows toward his friend. "You could always cuddle with me instead - I'm not as squishy as Sol, but I think we could make it work." He smiles, but it's not an insincere offer. He'd held Noe through countless nightmares; he has no qualms about doing the same for his friend.

With each love I cut loose, I was never the same
Watching still living roots be consumed by the flame

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

Zavien

Zavien had too many other emotions occupying his mind to feel embarrassed that his friend had noticed his struggles. 'Pride' wasn't really a concern of his right now, too engrossed in trying to make it through the week - maybe the day.

As for what helped... he let out a breathy chuckle, digging his shovel into the dirt again. "Other than distractions? Nothing really..." Lena had been a comfort, but Sol was the only one who'd been there consistently, the bond a weighted blanket on his rampant thoughts. Without it, he had a habit of tail spinning, as Koa had obviously seen. There was really only one other option, and he shrugged his shoulders. "Although I haven't tried getting drunk yet." Not that it hadn't crossed his mind once or twice. 

Looking up from the soil, Zavien couldn't hide his surprise at the offer for cuddles. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate it - in fact, he was more than a little touched at the gesture - but he wasn't sure it would have quite the same effect. Still, it made him smile a little, his words somewhat bittersweet as he said, "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind." And, honestly, if things got bad enough, he might just take him up on it.

I'd rather have a broken arm than a broken heart.

KOA

Oh, well, if drinking is a possible solution? Koa laughs despite himself, wiggling his brows. "That I can help with. Just say the word - I've gotten a pretty good handle on the better bars in the Greatwood." The ones that serve real drinks, not terrible wormwood moonshine bullshit that's as likely to make you hallucinate as get properly drunk.

"Crawl on in anytime," Koa chuckles, the sincerity of the invitation foundational despite the joking tone. It wouldn't be the most uncomfortable bed-sharing experience Koa'd had - being a soldier makes you real comfortable in real tight quarters, real fast.

He can feel his legs getting stiff from squatting, and bounces a couple times to promote blood flow to his feet. "How long is Sol going to be gone for?" the Dragoon asks softly, looking down to where Pipsqueak now purrs in Zav's lap. The longest he'd been separated from Pip had been a day or so; if his dragonling hadn't been there when he'd been unceremoniously banished, Koa isn't sure he would have survived those weeks in the wilds.

With each love I cut loose, I was never the same
Watching still living roots be consumed by the flame

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

Zavien

His smile is weak but present, trying to picture them getting plastered amongst the delicate Fae in the Greatwood. "Don't tempt me." Although, he certainly won't say no to the offer. He's willing to try anything at this point to escape the looming darkness, even just dampen it for a night. Maybe if he gets drunk enough, he'll even take up Koa's offer for cuddles. 

Zavien smiles softly again, bumping lightly against his friend, grateful that he still has him by his side. He might not want to share a bed with the man, but he'd probably take a hug later. Physical contact has always been a comfort for him, something that acts as a shield against whatever negativity plagues him, a feeling that nothing bad could possibly stand against the warmth of human connection. 

The taste of bile coats his mouth, and he swallows against the anxiety. Shrugging his shoulders, he absently scoops the softened dirt into a jar. "I'm not sure... A little over a week?" It had already been a few days, but it felt like the end was nowhere closer. "I don't know how long the flight is, or how long it will take for the griffin to settle..." Which meant more unknowns, and more time, and more darkness.

I'd rather have a broken arm than a broken heart.

KOA

A week doesn't seem particularly long - but then, Koa hasn't had to wait for his companion to reappear, counting down the minutes, let alone the days. Wisely opting not to comment on the timeline, Koa instead settles for a reassuring smile. "That griffin is lucky to have Sol - and you." Not everyone would share their soulmate so readily, and not every dragon would be willing to go. Gods know Pipsqueak's too selfish a creature to make such a sacrifice, Koa reflects fondly.

From Zavien's lap the winged weasel huffs, but does not disagree.

Picking up an errant stick, Koa begins sketching shapes in the dirt. "So.... have you talked to Lena much, since leaving?" Looking up at Zavien, Koa raises a brow. "I'm sure she'd be a lot better to cuddle with than me. And that she'd wanna know you're struggling. And help."

With each love I cut loose, I was never the same
Watching still living roots be consumed by the flame

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!