So I spent last night blowin' up my life

KAISEL

So, you wanna start a war?
Bang, shots fired

The morning light scatters over the water in uneven slips of gold against the current, looking like coins spilling over distant ground, glinting with the promise of riches if you'd just reach out into the cold sea. Kaisel doesn't see it much, slouched over the little wooden table as he is, one arm hooked over the iron railing that runs alongside it, part of a small patio built in against the side portion of the dock where a restaurant drifts. He looks for all the world like only the strength of the furniture is what's holding him up.

Next to him a plate of shrimp and grits goes uneaten, barely even poked, and a tall glass of iced tea beads with condensation. "Do you think everything is truly fucked now Soh?" he groans more than speaks, the sound muffled as half of it is spoken into the table. He tilts his head, one eye glancing over at Sohalia beneath the askew angle of his shades. "I mean, is there any member of her family left I haven't pissed off at this point, including her?" Maybe writing this letter to express all his feelings to her isn't a good idea after all.

Pain is what you desire
So, you wanna be immortal?

knowing I can't turn the rain into sun any more

Sohalia sat in sharp contrast to Kaisel: straight up in her chair, sipping on some tea with her silver gaze trained on the young Dragoon. Whether she approved or disapproved of his decision-making that led him here was a mystery even to her; she watched him with an unreadable expression, though there was something thoughtful in her gaze.

In front of her, a waffle smothered with mixed fruits sat untouched. Despite her polished outward appearance, she hadn't been eating or sleeping well since they're retaken Stormbreak. Tarak's death still weighed on her, aching constantly. The shredded bond periodically stabbed her with phantom pain, as though the griffin was still there, only hurt and beyond her reach. This was a particularly bad morning, and Soh rubbed distractedly at a spot just above her heart, as though she could soothe the hurt if she only tried hard enough.

"No," she said after a moment's consideration. "Caly is still her own person. Her family might be pissed at you, but she gets the final say on whether or not to give you a chance." Softening, Soh's hand dropped to the table. "If you like her, you have to let her know and give her a chance to accept you."

Sohalia

KAISEL

So, you wanna start a war?
Bang, shots fired

He provides her a barely visible nod, the tilt of his head limited by the angle of his chin along the table. He leans back suddenly, sweeping off the wood like the retreating tide. A pen taps absently along the edge of the table where he wiggles it quickly over a knuckle, fingers spread to hold down the paper. "You're right," he says with a sigh that's deeply frustrated with himself and the tangled situation he's worked his way into.

Everything pauses for a second and he glances up at her from the page. "So tell me how retaking Stormbreak went," he asks because he is curious. It feels odd to hear it from her and not Koa, but admittedly he's been actively avoiding his cousin, still trying to figure out how, or if he even should, explain what happened with him and Flora. Sohalia's company is safer, in a strange turn of events. He could use the distraction too, something to straighten out all the wobbles he feels in his chest as he tries to lay them out onto the paper.

He doesn't wait for her to start, just assumes as he hunches over the table and begins to write.

Caly,

Your smile is like the dawn breaking into the night of my life, and I have missed your daylight ever since we've...

Pain is what you desire
So, you wanna be immortal?

knowing I can't turn the rain into sun any more

Oh, Kaisel, how well Sohalia understands you. It might have been years ago by now, but she'd woven herself into her own tangled web once upon a time, and even now she felt a sort of kinship with the young man if only because of their shared experiences. Sure, things weren't exactly the same between them - but it was close enough, in Soh's opinion, that she wanted to help him sort it out, if she could.

Talking about Stormbreak brought on a whole new layer of complexity to the conversation. "It went better and worse than expected," she said after a moment, pain lacing her voice. She watched Kaisel as he started to write, then leaned back in her chair with a sigh. "Hadama and Remi and Ronin got channeled in, and they made short work of the Void dragon, but..." Once again, she felt the tatters of her bond with Tarak shredding as he disappeared behind the dragon's jaws. "I lost Tarak," she said softly.

Sohalia

KAISEL

So, you wanna start a war?
Bang, shots fired

He frowns at the paper, tilting it this way and that for a moment before setting his pen back to it anew.

I don’t know if you even want to read this. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. But I have to try, because not saying anything feels worse than saying the wrong thing. And I’ve said a lot of wrong things lately, haven’t I? I’m sorry. Not just for what happened on your birthday, even though that’s a big one, but for all the ways I’ve made things harder for you when I was supposed to make them better.

He's nodding along as Sohalia speaks, catching snippets—demi-god names, the void, short work—but they drift through the thick fog of Calypso that's wreathed around his brain, muffling everything else. So when she says she lost Tarak, he hums a polite "Mhmm," a reflexive note telling her that he's here, to keep going, even if the words haven’t fully landed.

Then they do.

His pen jerks violently to the side, cutting a sharp line into the paper. All of him goes still. His head snaps up like he's been doused in cold water, and his eyes search hers, suddenly and devastatingly clear. "Wait—what?!" His voice cracks with it, his chair creaking faintly as he leans toward her, one hand sliding urgently across the table. It’s not demanding, just there, something solid and steady, offered up as a show of support if she wants it. Maybe they’ve never been the kind to be close enough to comfort each other this way, but that hardly matters to him if she's in need. He’s always been the sort to reach for someone falling, whether or not he knows how to catch them, whether or not they need him to.

"Soh. Gods, I’m so sorry," his voice is low, aching for her with a pain he can't even pretend to understand. His 'brows pinch together, concern bleeding into every word now that the weight of it has really settled. "I thought... I just assumed when I didn’t see him..." He trails off, horrified by the blind optimism, by how easy it had been to miss something so heavy, how she'd let him just ramble on about his love life. "That’s—fuck, Soh, that’s awful. Are you okay? What happened?" His fingers flex slightly against the table, a silent tell of his helplessness. None of what he could do for her is enough. None of them could do much for her at all.

Pain is what you desire
So, you wanna be immortal?

knowing I can't turn the rain into sun any more

It might have been easier, if Kaisel's initial response had been the only one; but then his head snapped up, his eyes round as saucers, and Soh was forced to relive her pain all over again. Swallowing hard, she looked away, unable to stand the sudden emotions that were so clear in Kai's eyes - emotions that asked her if she was okay, when she was very much not.

He slid a hand across the table, and she took it reflexively. It was strangely grounding, steadying, much like Flora's reaction had been when she'd come to Stormbreak to comfort Soh in the aftermath. Soh reached for her cup with her free hand, toying with the glass. "I should never have brought him," she said, her voice hollow, breaking with regret and self-loathing. "The dragon - he tried to attack it and it - it -"

She couldn't say it, couldn't think it, couldn't bear it. A sudden weight had settled over her heart, draping itself across her lungs as she struggled to even breathe. "It's my fault," she managed after a moment, reaching to swipe at tears that pricked behind her eyes.

Sohalia

KAISEL

So, you wanna start a war?
Bang, shots fired

Her fingers feel small in his, fragile in a way he doesn’t think Soh has ever seemed before, and the thought of it makes his chest ache. "Hey, no—" The words break out of him, low but determined, but he cuts himself off when she keeps going. He bites down on the rest, teeth pressing hard enough together that his jaw twitches. The last thing she needs is him talking over her, but fuck if everything she has to say doesn't sound like the worst thing.

When she says it’s my fault, he shakes his head sharply. His other hand comes up like he might sandwich hers, but he stops short of crowding her, letting it hover for a beat before curling into a fist against the wood. "Soh," he says, softer now, leaning toward her like he could will her to feel how much he means it. "Don’t do that to yourself. You didn’t make that choice for him. Tarak wouldn’t’ve followed you if he didn’t want to." Everyone's so quick to blame themselves and carry their guilt like a scab they won't let heal.

His fingers shift under hers, squeezing just enough to make sure she feels it, to keep her from slipping too far into numbness. He waits a breath, searching for how to say what he feels, what he needs her to accept. His own expression is tight with the weight of her words and the tears that gather at the edges of her eyes. "I know it feels like it’s on you... but it isn’t. That bond you two had—that love—that’s what's important. Even if you told him to stay behind, he’d probably have followed anyway. He wanted to be part of reclaiming something that mattered, he cared about the things that were important to you both."

There’s a quiet plea in the way he says it, because he believes it, and he needs her to believe it too. "Loving that deeply… it changes you, whether you want it to or not. It makes you want to stand in front of storms you’ve got no business surviving, just for the chance to keep someone else’s world whole. I don't think there's any other way to manage love." Maybe that makes it seem like the answer is to curl up and never let anyone in again, but the world hurts plenty without helping it along with your suffering.

Pain is what you desire
So, you wanna be immortal?

knowing I can't turn the rain into sun any more

Maybe, maybe Kaisel had a point, even though he didn't even know Tarak. He didn't know that Tarak never liked to be dirty; that he always perched on her right shoulder, never her left; or that he always had to have the last word, because he was convinced that he was the smartest griffin in the room and no one could tell him otherwise. But maybe if Kai had known all that, it would only have proven his point: Soh's companion would never have let her go charging into danger without him along, no matter how much she'd asked or demanded or begged. He was always going to be by her side on that battlefield. And maybe that was what hurt the most - that Soh had known that and chosen to go anyway, knowing that she was putting her companion at risk.

Kai's fingers were warm on hers, and Soh swallowed down her self-hatred as she tried to search for a way to explain that it was still her fault - but then he had more to say, and the Luminary simply sat and listened. A part of her still wanted to reject what he had to say on the matter, but another part of her - the aching, tremulous part that hadn't been the same since Tarak died - wanted so badly to believe him. Because sometimes, in the dead of night, when it was just her... sometimes she wondered if taking back Stormbreak had even been worth it.

And she hated herself for that most of all.

"It hurts," she said finally, her voice breaking on the word. "When the bond snapped, it - it's like there's a part of my soul I'll never get back. It's not like normal love, Kai. It's not like heartbreak, or even like losing family. There's just this... emptiness, this void where Tarak used to be, and I don't know how to..." She trailed off, her gaze far off, haunted, somewhere that Kai couldn't follow. "Sometimes it feels like I'm dying, too," she finally whispered. "Only it's this long, drawn out suffering that I can't turn off. And I don't know what to do with that, Kai."

Sohalia

KAISEL

So, you wanna start a war?
Bang, shots fired

The words hit him like a sucker punch, stealing his breath for a second. He’s heard loss, has felt it in some small ways, has been told about the weight of a companion, but this first-hand account of someone feeling their soul getting cleaved cuts deeper than any of that. His grip on her hand tightens instinctively, as if he could anchor her to keep from being pulled further into that emptiness she’s describing.

"Soh..." Her name leaves him like an exhale, rough with something that’s half sorrow, half helplessness. He leans in closer, his brows drawn so tight it almost hurts, his other hand coming to rest over hers without hesitation this time, like he can’t stand the thought of her sitting in this alone. "You don’t have to know what to do with it right now," he says quietly, the usual brightness gone from his voice, stripped down to something more raw and quiet with thought. "You just have to survive it. And I know that sounds shit, I know it does, but—" His gaze flashes against hers, trying to will some strength back into all the cracks hurt has made in her. "But you’re not dying, Soh. And we need you." His voice drops lower, gentling the truth as much as he can. He believes, firmly, that she will get through this, and though he wishes she did not have to endure all of this, he is grateful for her efforts to reclaim Stormbreak, for all her work to retake the mantle she deserves.

After a pause Kaisel admits, "I can’t pretend to know what it’s like—losing him like that. You’ll probably keep asking yourself what you could have done different for a long time. But… you’re still here. And Tarak’s choice, being there, following you, you don't wanna undo it by wishing it all away. It means he believed in you, that he loved you." He swallows hard, his expression softening. "If he believed in you that much, then you can survive this, even if it takes every bit of fight you’ve got. And you’re not alone in it, alright? Not while you've got friends around."

Pain is what you desire
So, you wanna be immortal?

knowing I can't turn the rain into sun any more

Soh might not have had to know what to do with her feelings, but she still had to feel them. Still, as hard as it was, she knew that Kaisel was right. She was neither dead nor dying, no matter how it felt, and there would be nothing more insulting to Tarak's memory than to fail him now. Because he had believed in her. He'd stayed by her side through everything, even when she wasn't sure she deserved it. And that meant something.

So she rallied, pulling the walls of ice around her heart back into place, freezing over all the hard feelings that she didn't want to deal with just now, tucking them away behind layers of frigid glass that separated them from her. "Don't worry, Kai," Soh said, forcing a sad smile. "I'll survive. We'll get Stormbreak back on track, and everything will be fine." Because it had to be - to honor Tarak, if nothing else, but also because Soh didn't know what to do if it wasn't. If she failed her city again... "It's just... going to hurt. For a long time. But, that's what we do, right? Keep going for the ones we love, who can't be there to keep going with us."

Squeezing Kaisel's hand, Soh withdrew hers. "Anyway," she said, switching the subject of the conversation in an effort to keep her emotions in that little icebox in the back of her mind. "Stormbreak's going to be fine. The dragon's gone. What's left of the Tower is a disaster zone, so we have our work cut out for us, but that's fixable." Things, after all - even things as formidable as the Tower - could be replaced.

Sohalia

KAISEL

So, you wanna start a war?
Bang, shots fired

The forced smile lands heavy in his chest, because he can see it for what it is, the same way she pulls her hand back, folding all that pain into something cold and neat that she can put on like armor. He tries not to let it sink any deeper than that recognition, tries not to let it itch like failure, though it seems like every time someone actually needs him to say or do the right thing, he only manages to force them to withdraw further. Sometimes sprinkles just aren't enough to make something better.

So he lets her retreat, because sometimes that’s the only way people can keep standing. Still, his eyes stay on her, steady and unwilling to let her crawl back to somewhere all alone while he's still here. His own hands slide back to his letter, pen tapping faintly over his knuckles once more. "Yeah," he says softly, answering the truth in her words rather than the lie. "That’s what we do. We keep going for the ones who can’t." There’s a faint flicker of a smile—small, warm, stubbornly hopeful. "But, that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone, okay?" He glances up to hold her gaze for a moment. He'd be there, if she asked, if she needed, but he means she has others too, like Koa, like Flora. Now more than ever it seems she and Flora need to be there for each other.

"Now," he sits up a bit straighter from his slouch, purposefully adding some extra brightness to his tone, like a lens flare trying to build happiness into a photograph. "Give me your honest opinion on this." He slides the draft of his letter towards her. It doesn't feel so selfish this time now, asking for her help. If anything maybe it's something like a life raft, because sometimes you only remember how strong you are when you're helping someone else back up.

Pain is what you desire
So, you wanna be immortal?

knowing I can't turn the rain into sun any more

It wasn't that Kaisel had failed - not exactly. It was more that there was only so much that could be offered to someone drowning in the depths of their own grief. That the only way to move forward was to pack it all up into a neat little package that she could shove into the back of her mind and forget, like that shoebox of old letters in the back of the closet. Someday, maybe she'd pull them out to look at it all, to appreciate them for what they were. But right now, today, when it was all she could do to keep breathing? Today, she needed it all to just go away.

"I know," she told Kaisel, and there was truth in it. She wasn't alone, however much she might think she deserved to be. How many people that she cared about had to die before she wound up so isolated that she couldn't recover? But however much her friends and loved ones might provide the potential for life-threatening wounds to her psyche, they were also her strength, and even if they might be better off without her bad luck, she couldn't bring herself to let them go.

So she let the topic slip away, because it was easier to focus on something - anything - else.

Accepting the draft of the letter, Soh skimmed over it quickly. It felt a little like betrayal, to be helping Kai with this. It left a bad taste in her mouth, not tossing the letter in the nearest trash can, shaking Kai by the shoulders, and telling him to go find Flora. But both he and she had made their choices, and no matter what Soh thought of that, she owed it to them both to respect those decisions. "This is really sweet, Kai," she said after reading, passing the letter back over to the young man across from her. "I don't know Caly well, but I think anyone would like that."

Sohalia

KAISEL

So, you wanna start a war?
Bang, shots fired

He leans in closer as she read it, breath held, like he might be able to listen to her thoughts if he's quiet enough. When her response finally comes, it's not met with the relief she might expect, something swelling and instead dispersing into a fizzle of static. "Sweet?" he repeats with a face scrunched up. He slides the letter back towards him, glancing down like he can find all the problems he hadn't seen earlier.

"She doesn't like sweet, she likes spicy," he mumbles, pen setting to the paper with newfound vigor. "You think I should add some spice to it?" he glances up quickly before looking back down. "Like, I dunno, what attach a drawing of myself, in the nude?" He shakes his head, as if rejecting that idea before Soh gets a chance to. "She just—it just—" He sighs loudly, a frustrated hand ruffling the back of his hair. "Sweet isn't really what I was going for. Sweet is like, what your little brother does, or when you have to force a smile to keep from hurting someone's feelings."

Pain is what you desire
So, you wanna be immortal?

knowing I can't turn the rain into sun any more

Soh's feedback was met with a decidedly lackluster response, and she stared at Kaisel with her brows scrunched together in confusion as he explained. They clearly had very different ideas of what sweet meant. "That's not true," Soh protested, perhaps slightly affronted. "Or at least it's not true all the time." She picked up her cup and took a sip, eyeing Kaisel over the rim. "Some of us happen to think sweet is romantic." And yes, dear reader, Soh happened to be one of those people.

Pursing her lips, Soh settled her cup back on the table. "I guess maybe I don't know Caly well enough to be able to help," she admitted. "If she prefers something, er, spicy, then, well, maybe something more direct? I mean, I like the comparison of her smile to dawn breaking, but maybe that's a little... flowery?" Not that Soh had much experience writing love letters. Sitting back in her chair, she offered a bemused expression. "Look, honestly? I'm not sure you want love advice from me. I haven't exactly had the best track record."

Sohalia