Missing and Missed

The boys were long asleep, tucked securely away at their aunt’s house with a dragon snuggled between them. Roana arrived at the shrine, dressed in her armor, Krosis on her hip. It was, to her mind, the most respectful garb she could wear; a soldier to her core. It felt strange though, walking up to the shrine. Not the act itself being unfamiliar, having prayed to the gods before, but to whom she was praying. She was the captain who could not be killed, so soldiers liked to say. The number of times she had escaped death’s clutches, even when it seemed impossible, was far too numerous to count. The number of times she had been caught and yet survived equal in number. Yet here she was, walking up to meet the guide of dead souls.

In her hand was a toy wooden sword, one her son Cormac loved dearly. It was a replica of one his father had made him once upon a time, one she had recreated for him. ”You can give it to Ludo. Auntie Phoebe said the gods like gifts.” he had told her. That a boy of his age would so willingly part with a beloved toy, just to earn a god’s favor spoke to his character, and Roana was proud of him for it. Carefully, she laid the toy on the alter, stepping back and kneeling on one leg; her position one of respect and fealty, her head bowed.

”I wish to speak with Ludo, the herald of Mort, if they would spare me time. I’ve questions about the world of the dead.” she said, hoping the god would hear her and appear. Was Brahm there, amongst the dead? Or was he still out there amongst the living, looking for her?

Roana

Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, imma stick it out to the end

ludo Braved the forests, braved the stone Braved the icy winds and fire Braved and beat them on my own "The world of the dead? Such things are too fantastical for you, aren't they Roana?" Brahm would sound just as he always had, and if and when Roana glanced up it would be to see him in the flesh (as far as she knew), sitting on the steps of the altar, his elbows braced on his knees. Flashing her a smile, and gazing over her as if to drink in her appearance and memorise it always, he rose to his feet, broad frame seeming to fill the space in much more than just a physical way. "You were looking for me, then?" His smile was lopsided, as if to say: ha. That means you missed me.

Roana’s head shot up in a split second, eyes wide and jaw slack from shock. That voice. She would never forget his voice, or his appearance, or his anything really. She stared, agape, unmoving, shocked to stillness. ”Brahm…?” she breathed, her voice hitching slightly as her eyes began to glisten. Slowly she rose to her feet, eyes trained on him, unblinking; as if the slightest glance away would make him disappear.

But she did not run to him. As much as her legs wished to push her forward, compel her into his embrace, cautiousness stopped her. Could it really be him?

”Of course I was. And you never turned up…until now.” she said quietly, feeling the hope she had felt moments before begin to sink in her gut. ”You did not appear until I asked for an audience with the god who guides spirits to the afterlife, to ask if you were amongst them.” But he was so real, so much like her Brahm. The teasing, the lopsided smile, the way he filled a room both in physical size and in sheer presence. Her heart was fighting her logic. It was too coincidental, it was too perfect in its timing. Why here, why now…and from where? There weren’t exactly many places for a man of Brahm’s size to hide, nor could he have come in behind her without her noticing for the same reasons. The Captain in her shouted at her that this was nothing but an illusion or hallucination, but the woman in her yearned to reach for him, to hold him close and never let go again.

Roana

Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, imma stick it out to the end

ludo Braved the forests, braved the stone Braved the icy winds and fire Braved and beat them on my own "Roana." He responded with equal parts affection and teasing in his voice, following her with his eyes as she rose to her feet, though not deigning to get up himself. "What can I say? My timing was always impeccable." That half-smile again, and he opened his arms to her as if to ask her what the hell she thought she was waiting for. "Do I look as though I am among them, Ro?" he asked, looking down at himself and raising his eyebrows. "I thought ghosts were supposed to be more frightening than this. Do you think me a ghost?" He tilted his head at her, imploring. "What is it you wanted, coming here and praying for me?"

The way he said her name, the exact lilt, the exact grumbly way he rolled over the ‘r’ sound – it was all Brahm. Her breath came short, her lungs strained as she fought to keep control of her emotions. The former captain played with her lip. She was on the edge of running to her but fighting herself. His timing was too impeccable. It made her worry that she was being trapped in some sort of illusion. But an illusion this good? Of someone she didn’t think ever made it to Caido?

”No you don’t.” she said quietly, honest as near always, venturing to take a step forward. ”Maybe not a ghost. Maybe an illusion, a trick, a game.” she said quietly, setting her jaw tight to keep tears at bay. She would succeed in keeping them from falling, but brilliant blue eyes when glassy with tears unshed. ”I wanted to know if you were amongst the dead here. If you were ever here at all….or if it really is just me and the boys.” she said quietly, glancing towards the alter upon which the toy sword lay. ”Do you know what that is? Do you know what it means that it is there?” she asked, pinning Brahm – if it was Brahm – with a look. She was military. She would not rush into this. She would not let her heart believe it was him until she had some confirmation of his identity. She could not bear her heart breaking again.

Her Brahm would know the toy. Her Brahm would know how serious it was for their son to willingly give it to a god for answers. He would know how much he was missed.

Roana

Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, imma stick it out to the end

ludo Braved the forests, braved the stone Braved the icy winds and fire Braved and beat them on my own "An illusion, a trick or game," he repeated, mischief lighting up in his eyes now. "I know you are careful, Roana, but I never knew you to be so suspicious." Brahm followed her gaze to the sword set upon the pedestal, and though there was a moment of consideration, he was quick to respond. "That is Cormac's sword," he said, eyes narrowing in consideration. "Let the child keep his toy," he murmured, and suddenly his voice was flat, unlike his own. "When he no longer has use for it, then perhaps it will do as an offering." Brahm gazed up at her. "Very astute, Roana Steadman. Now you know."

She felt her heart drop, the tiny bits of hope that she had been holding onto fading away. The perfect illusion was broken. The look in his eye, the way his tone died. No. This was not Brahm. She had been right not to run to him, whoever this was. Her arm dropped to her side, and despite her sadness, a small warm smile curved her lips. It was in a way cruel to play with her heart like this, but she took it as a blessing to gaze upon his face once more.

"Very astute, Roana Steadman. Now you know."

It sent a chill down her spine, yet she smiled upon the imposter, who she now suspected to be Ludo. "Were you actually my Brahm, you would not have sat there after being away so long." she said quietly. He would have run to her. Picked her up and spun her. Smothered her in kisses and bone crushing hugs. He looked and sounded like Brahm, but lacked his exuberance. "I know you are not him. But is he dead and with you, or did he never arrive here? Or is he elsewhere in Caido?" she asked, gently picking up Cormac's toy sword.

Roana

Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, imma stick it out to the end

ludo Braved the forests, braved the stone Braved the icy winds and fire Braved and beat them on my own Caught out or not, Ludo maintained Brahm's form at least for now, and he spread his hands and shrugged as if to say that his reactions had merely been as a result of her own. "Would you like me to run to you now?" he asked. "To pick you up and spin you, and smother you with kisses?" A question that did not need an answer, truly, and so Ludo let it lie. Her question brought a thoughtful expression upon his lips, and he leant back on his hands to consider it as she picked up Cormac's toy sword. "He is not with me," Ludo said. "I do not think he has ever come to Caido, but... life is not my domain, and you would need to confirm as much with Safrin, or with Vi. But I do know he is not among the dead."

At Ludo-Brahm’s suggestion that he run to her now she gave pause. Well then. Apparently her mind was an open book to the god. Good to know. Then the ridiculousness of the suggestion hit her, and she couldn’t help the small bit of laughter as she ran a hand down her face. ”Would that not make for a great story? I made out with Ludo while they were guised as my long-lost husband.” she said with a light chuckle shaking her head. But it did make her wonder…and so she asked. “Why is it that you take his form and mannerisms, and not your own?”

She waited patiently for the spirit guide’s answer, frowning a little upon hearing it. Her eyes cast down, staring at the sword in her hand. It was in a way comforting to know he wasn’t dead – for she did not wish him dead, he was the love of her life – but…it offered no closure. If she went to Safrin and asked, and he truly wasn’t in Caido as Ludo suspected…what did she do? Did she wait for him? Did she move on? And what if she did and he suddenly appeared as people continued to do? And just what did she tell her sons? Your father is out there, somewhere, in another world, and may or may not be alive there and may or may not appear here? ”I see…” she said quietly, twirling the sword in her hand absentmindedly. Frankly, she was a bit surprised. ”My sister in law said during Long Night she saw a spirit of a bull that looked like him in his animal form – albeit a twisted version of him but him nonetheless. I really thought…” she stopped herself and shook her head.

She had really, truly thought he was dead, and while she had once thought that would be the worst news she could hear, somehow knowing he might not be was worse – because there was no telling where and how he was, if he was.

Roana

Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, imma stick it out to the end

ludo Braved the forests, braved the stone Braved the icy winds and fire Braved and beat them on my own "There have been more ridiculous stories, believe you me," Ludo said in Brahm's rumbling voice, laughter lacing through his words much the same way as it would have done if it had really been Roana's husband sitting there. Ludo took from her memories and formed what it could of the one she wished to see; and at least she could see him, rather than continue to wonder endlessly. Ludo-Brahm shrugged. "To tease, to trick, to test," it said. "You come asking questions of death - it is my right to make sure you are ready for the answers." So saying, Brahm's form would suddenly explode into a writhing mess of rags, from which a porcelain mask would eventually emerge. "Better, sweetling?" It tilted its head. "Your sister-in-law, who lost the child," it said, as if to lace the memories together. Ludo shook its head. "The LongNight creatures are from before you set foot in Caido. But as I said, all I can confirm is that he is not dead."

Roana smiled a bit and nodded, taking a moment just to drink in Brahm’s appearance and the sound of his voice. Even knowing it wasn’t him, having his visage there warmed her to the core. She missed him terribly, not that anyone would ever know from how she presented herself. No. Such weakness she kept hidden away. ”I will take you at your word, for you’ve seen far more than I have.” she said with a light laugh. Far be it from her to tell a god what the most ridiculous thing was.

”Ah, I see.” she said, nodding a little. ”A more than fair price.” And one that made sense. Why give knowledge to those not ready to accept it? Or use it? Or handle it even? It was a wise thing, to make sure that the person was not so overly emotional that they could not be confronted with their lost companions and maintain some sense of composure. But the sudden explosion took her off guard a bit, causing her to step back in surprise. Black…rags? She watched curiously as they took their form and the mask appear. Ah, a much more fitting appearance for a god of death. She nodded to Ludo’s question. ”Yes. As much as I appreciate being able to see my husband’s face again, it is good to know you, as you are, Ludo.” she said with a small smile.

”Yes, Phoebe. You know of her then, I take it?” she said, from how quickly Ludo connected the two together. Again, the god confirmed that Brahm was indeed not dead, and she nodded in silent acceptance. ”Thank you for telling me, and for letting me see and hear him again…I suppose I should visit Safrin to ensure he isn’t elsewhere in Caido.” she said thoughtfully, taking Ludo’s advice to heart. And if he wasn’t…what then? Did she spend her life waiting, wondering, hoping that he might one day appear?

But she had to move on. There were other more pressing matters to discuss with Ludo. Ones more befitting a god of death.

”I have another request though…one that effects more than just me and my own.” she said, watching the masked god where she stood, tone even and reverent. ”I am aware of what I assisted in unleashing on Caido in my efforts to bring down the barrier…and I wish to help in any way that I can bring about a more permanent solution, one that doesn’t involve trapping innocents or you and the other old gods. But first, I need to even the playing field. As strong as I am, the Ascended are too fast and strong to overcome under the cover of night, which is really when they come out. Is there any such object I can possess that will take that away from them, or one that can be made?” she asked, explaining the situation, and why she wanted it.

Roana

Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, imma stick it out to the end

ludo Braved the forests, braved the stone Braved the icy winds and fire Braved and beat them on my own "A wise decision," Ludo murmured, bobbing its masked head in acknowledgement of Roana's comment. It absently rolled a few offerings around the altar with a nudge of its rags as conversation turned to Phoebe, Ludo seeming to hum to itself. "Yes. She visited me, to see if her unborn child had a soul." It shrugged, mask tilting up to focus on Roana as she continued. Not about Brahm or Safrin but about... Ascended. About the Voice, even if she did not speak her name directly. "I could make you such an object, but it will be far from easy," it said. "Bring me a silver ring a vial of the fluid that Ascended call their blood. Bring them to the shrine in the Glade at dawn on any given day. I will do what I can."

”Ah, I see.” she said, sadness coloring her tone. She too had lost a child many years prior, and she understood the pain Phoebe felt. Even if they weren’t close, she could feel empathy for her, and did not wish her such pain. ”And if I may ask and know…did it have a soul?” she asked, wondering what answers Phoebe had found, what small comfort she may have walked away with.

That Ludo could make her such a thing – and was willing to – surprised her. She smiled brightly then, for the first time since the barrier fell feeling a small glimmer of hope. Perhaps she could find a way to bring balance once more. ”I will do as you say, thank you Ludo.” she said, dipping her head to the deity. ”And thank you for giving me the opportunity to prove myself.” she said. Her eyes glanced towards the alter, and the offerings Ludo was playing with almost absentmindedly. ”What sort of offerings do you prefer that people bring you?” she asked, wanting to know so that she might bring what they wished, rather than items they found useless or boring.

Roana

Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, imma stick it out to the end

ludo Braved the forests, braved the stone Braved the icy winds and fire Braved and beat them on my own Masks did not blink, and yet Roana would get the distinct impression that Ludo's did in the silence between her question and its answer. Eventually, the mask tilted back as if to gaze up into the archways of the Temple. "She believed that it did, and it brought her comfort," it said - nothing more, nothing less, but giving the vague impression that the answer was no. It continued to roll around the offerings as Roana thanked it, and an errant bit of cloth waved her off as if to tell her that it was needless. "What you seek may not be easy to obtain. Thank me when the object is in your hand," it said, before fixing its porcelain face upon her. What offerings did it like? Absently, Ludo shook its rags - upon the ground fell an intricate origami owl, a small child's toy, some colourful stones and shells and the remnants of what looked like a sunflower seed loaf with icing sugar dusted on top. "I like these things," it said.