Betwixt My Heart and Mind

The former captain spun her new ring lazily on her finger, the sensation of its presence on her hand new and mildy distracting. However, it was not so odd a sensation as the lack of a ring on the finger next to it, the beautiful dimond studded band that once marked her a married woman now absent from her person. Many things weighed on Roana's mind, and the Bone Bridge seemed as peaceful a place as any to walk and brood.

Brahm was neither dead nor present in Caido. He existed elsewhere, beyond her reach. Though her vows were til death do us part, they could not have forseen their reality, that worlds and dimensions parted them with an echoing finality. Her heart would always ache for him. He was her first love, a true love, one she knew she could never replace, but also one she could not continue to foster. He was now her past, and could not carry with her into the future. She mourned his loss silently, his absence a gaping hole that she would carry with her always.

But as the heart is known to do, a new fire had ignited in heart. She had long ignored its presence, but with the reality of Brahm's loss unavoidable, so too was it impossible to ignore it. Roana had not anticipated that she would fall victim to Ronin's charms, but as she leaned against the handrail of the bridge, staring down into the misty gorge below, it seemed to make perfect sense. Ronin was her best friend in this world, one who did not cease his kindness towards her in the face of her mistakes, nor did he pity her so as to not push her to do better, achieve more. He proved himself a good father too, in the care of his own precious daughter, and his good spirited interactions with her sons. Where she was measured and disciplined, he was wild and adventerous. Where she was cautious he was reckless, where she was weak he was strong. They balanced eachother in perfect natural harmony...that her soul ached to call him hers should have been no surprise.

And yet she wondered if it was worth pursuing. So much could go wrong in such a pursuit. She could lose her dearest friend and confidante in trying to get what she selfishly wanted. A small frown curved her lips as she stared into the misty abyss, feeling more unsettled than ever with the answers to what she sought.

Roana

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down cause I'd never stay

the baffled king composing hallelujah

Roana was not the only one who needed space to think, and it seemed that great minds thought alike. Granted, Ronin was preoccupied with whatever the fuck was happening with Zariah Launceleyn and Remi (not to mention what had happened to Safrin), and his brow furrowed as he meandered along the Bone Bridge. Once upon a time the place had held curiosity for him, and then a quiet wariness, but now? Now he strolled along it as if it was your every day bridge-without-end, glancing up only when he sensed another there.

"Oh - Roana." He smiled, straightening his back a touch where he'd been slouching along with his hands in his pockets. "Come out here for some peace and quiet too, huh? Sorry for ruining it." He glanced out across the misty gorge, his footsteps slowing as he drew up beside her. "How's life treating you?"

She heard his footsteps well before he spoke, but she didn't look, assuming it just a random passerby. But then his voice broke through the fog clouding her mind and she glanced over with surprise. Speak of the devil and all that, sure enough Ronin came strolling down the bridge toward her. "Hello Ronin." she said with a warm smile, straightening as well. "Don't apologize, your company is always welcome." she said lightly, looking back out over the gorge.

"Oh you know." she said with a heavy sigh. There was a crack in her usually put together militaristic mask. Her shoulders were a little slouched, her expression conveying her melancholy and conflicted mind. Things weren't as clear as she liked them, but there wasn't much she could do about it. "I spoke with Ludo. They said Brahm isn't dead and sent me to Safrin to see if he was in Caido somewhere. And apparently he wasnt ever brought here like we were." she said quietly. Not dead. But not present either.

"So. Now I'm just a bit caught between what to do. What about you, how's life been treating you?" she asked, glancing at him.

Roana

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down cause I'd never stay

the baffled king composing hallelujah

Standing with his hands linked loosely behind his back, they were together two soldiers that truly did not know how to be anything else in that moment. And there were cracks in both of their masks, but there were no eyes waiting to cast judgement on them anymore. Not here, at least. Glancing sidelong at Roana, the hunter waited to hear her out and found himself frowning gently at hearing that she had been to visit both Ludo and Safrin, only to find Brahm... well. Gone.

"So he was never here..." He sighed deeply. "I'm sorry to hear that, Roana. It must be hard. I guess all you can do is keep walking forward..." He had at least gotten to say goodbye to Vanya. It was a memory that would haunt his dreams forevermore, but he had that much. And besides, fate had been kind enough to give him love again.

"Me? Ah, well... this and that." His smile turned sad. "I shan't speak of my personal life - it doesn't feel appropriate given what you're going through. I'm still trying to figure out this Zariah situation - she's been... well. Herself, which I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on. And something has happened to Safrin."

Roana sighed, glancing at her now ringless hand. ”You can say that again.” she admitted quietly, before glancing over at him. Ever positive, Ronin was, even when faced with her pessimism and self-pity. A small smile curved her lips. ”This is true. And forward I will go.” she said, wondering for a moment if now might be an okay time to ask…just to put out some feelers…

Doesn’t feel appropriate? Given what she was going through?

Her brow furrowed in confusion, and she laughed a bit, shaking her head. ”Ronin, I would be a lousy friend if I could not be happy for you even if I am struggling. What have you been up to then?” she asked, wondering what he was hiding from her. Roana tilted her head to the side at what he did say though, looking a bit concerned. ”What has she done? And what happened to Safrin?”

Roana

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down cause I'd never stay

the baffled king composing hallelujah

"It is the best direction, so I've heard. To heal and to better oneself." Ronin smiled, though there was an understanding to his expression that told he was still very much walking that road himself. And it was rough, at times. Tilting his head back to gaze up at the mist hazed sky, he found himself smiling even though thinking about what had happened to his goddess and what Zariah had said caused knots to tighten in his stomach.

"She threatened my child," he said flatly. "And Safrin... she is hurt, from helping a group at the Spire. I wasn't able to help, and I feel guilty for that."

And yet... and yet it wasn't all bad, and the warmth in Ronin's eyes said so. "Remi and I are making a go of things," he said quietly. "He... ah, he actually asked if I would marry him."

”But far from the easiest unfortunately.” Roana added with a half smile in his direction. It was comforting, having someone to talk with, who understood in a way the pain that she felt. She hoped he felt the same, that he could air his struggles to her and in turn receive an empathetic ear. Men struggled to bare their emotions that way though.

”What?” Roana said, whipping her head around to stare at him wide eyed. Zariah had been so bold as to threaten Aiofe?? Her brow settled into a glare, lips pressed together in a thin line. ”She will be brought down. Or was will find a better place to be.” Roana said with a resolute nod of her head, the mother bear in her awoken to hear that Ronin’s daughter had received such a threat. But his guilt over Safrin was the more immediate issue, and she reached out to place a hand on his shoulder in comfort. ”I once felt guilty over not saving a very dear friend of mine from his death. But it all worked out in the end.” she said with a small smirk. ”So too will it with Safrin, of that I am certain. Is there anything we can do to help her?”

His next words made her heart stop beating for a moment it felt like. Oh. Oh. It did not show on her face but it felt as though a knife had been shoved between her ribs. Of course. Of course his heart was already held by another. Only a fool would let such a man, such a person – the shining light Ronin was – pass them by. And she had indeed been foolish. A smile curved her lips after only a moment’s hesitation. ”Well, I had better receive an invitation at the very least.” she teased with a snicker. ”I am happy for you. You deserve such happiness again.”

Roana

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down cause I'd never stay

the baffled king composing hallelujah

Ronin hummed in agreement, more than able to empathise with that feeling. Still, forward was definitively better than backwards, however difficult it could be at times. Such was the situation with Safrin and Zariah, in fact, and he glanced to look at her as she spoke. Pride swelled in his chest, knowing he could rely on his fellow former captain in bringing the tyrant down.

"Thank you," he muttered. "And what you say is true - all will work out in the end. In the meantime I think we are trying to set up a new shrine for her, that she might feel more comfortable while she recovers."

Roana's teasing in response to his news brought a bashful sort of smile to Ronin's lips, and he folded his arms across his chest. "Of course you will," he said. "I didn't think I deserved such happiness again, so... right now, well. Just taking each day as it comes, you know?"

Roana smiled and nodded to his thanks. He needn't ever doubt her loyalty and willingness to assist in his endeavors, but it seemed he was perhaps unaware of how much she cherished their friendship. So much so, that despite the way her gut twisted and heart now ached, knowing this was as close as she would ever be to him - that in her he saw nothing more than exactly what was currently in play - that she would rather hide the true depth of her feeling for him than allow what they did have to break under the weight of truth. "Safrin and I...we do not dislike each other but we don't particularly get on. But I send her my best wishes, and if there is anything I can do to assist in her recovery, I will gladly do so without hesitation." she said with a small smile, letting her hand drop from his shoulder then. She didn't have to be best friends with the goddess to wish to see her happy and well. She respected her for what she was, and that was enough for her.

"Everyone deserves such happiness, whether they have never had it, or had it a million times over." Roana said with a smile. "But I should think only some of us so lucky as to find it many times...and considering you've come back from the dead, I think you have that luck in spades." she said with a grin, nudging his shoulder with her own playfully. Roana nodded at his words, a wistful smile tugging on her lips. "I do know, and I think it the wisest course of action. Enjoy and cherish everything you have while you can in the moment."

Roana

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down cause I'd never stay

the baffled king composing hallelujah

"Oh, you don't? What happened?" Ronin arched an eyebrow at Roana, surprised to hear it given how alike he considered himself and his fellow former captain. "Of course I'll pass on your well wishes." Smiling, he inclined his head in a polite nod. "We are constructing a new shrine in her honour, in the hope that it will aid her recovery somewhat. If you'd like to drop by and give an offering, I know that would be appreciated as well."

He scoffed and shrugged at the mention of his apparent luck, Ronin offering her a cheeky grin. "You remember that I was blown up, right? That wasn't my luckiest moment." Then again, as far as he remembered of that fuzzy time, he had been lucky in that Safrin had been there, and he'd felt not a lick of pain from the ordeal.

As Roana nudged against his shoulder, Ronin laughed and returned the gesture (just a bit harder, maybe). "Then I implore the same for you, Ro," he said warmly. "Brahm, might not be here, but you have his legacy all around you. Your boys will grow strong and brave, like both of their parents."

Roana shrugged. ”Nothing really happened. We just…don’t mesh I suppose. No harm nor foul nor disrespect, just a clash of personalities.” she said with a small smile. ”I’m not nearly as charming as you are after all. As it so happens, Ludo and I seem to have gotten on fairly well. But I suspect they are actually quite a young deity, and who better to relate to a divine youth than a mother?” she said with a slight laugh. The memory of Ludo’s joy over the toy she had brought them brought a small smile to her face – so very much like her sons in so many ways, and yet so different too.

”I will gladly bring Safrin and offering.”

She snorted a laugh, smirking over at him. ”You were blown up because my sword set off a bomb. And if I recall you were then turned into a literal star by a goddess and then brought back to life. Yes, how terribly misfortunate you are.” she drawled teasingly.

Roana rolled her pale blue eyes at Ronin’s imploring shaking her head slightly. ”My boys are my everything.” she said softly, a small smile curving her lips as she looked over at him. It would be so easy to admit now, how she felt, what she wished for. Easy and selfish. ”But unlike you, my luck has never been particularly noteworthy. Only the truly blessed have their affections returned more than once, and I am happy my best friend is so blessed. That’s enough for me.”

Roana

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down cause I'd never stay

the baffled king composing hallelujah

A clash of personalities with a goddess. Ronin smiled secretly to himself; only Roana could manage such a feat, he thought. He arched an eyebrow, however, at her comments about Ludo. "A young deity, huh? I admit I've not had much to do with it... but you're right. Who better to deal with something like that? You have more than enough experience." He winked.

Snorting at her comment about his luck, he waved her off at last and moved to lean against the railings of the bridge. "Let's agree to disagree and say that we all make our own luck?" he suggested, running his fingers through his hair and gazing across into the mists.

As she continued to speak, however, he glanced sidelong at her, a crooked smile playing across his lips. "Your best friend, huh?" He laughed. "My best friend had better be there for my wedding, then."

Roana laughed a little and nodded. ”Oh yes, experience in spades. They remind me of my boys in many ways. Last time I brought them frosted sugar cookies and a fighting toy where the loser’s figurine’s head pops off. They could barely bring themselves to pay attention to what I had come for.” she said with a snicker. Ludo was indeed a funny character. A trickster, a child, yet within the domain of death. An odd combination but somehow it worked.

The former captain grinned and nodded, happy to relent the point of luck. ”Fine, fine…you are much better at making your own luck than I am at making mine.” she quipped with a snicker, anticipating a friendly shove for it.

She smiled, a twinge of melancholy pulling on her heartstrings but she refused to let it go. ”Yes, my best friend. And as of late, my only friend too.” she said lightly, staring out into the misty gorge. ”The only thing that would stop me from being there is if you tell me not to come. And frankly I wouldn’t blame you. My existence has a way of pissing people off.”

Roana

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down cause I'd never stay

the baffled king composing hallelujah

Oh yes, she would receive a friendly shove for that, Ronin flashing her a shit eating grin and finally pushing off the railings to meander back into the centre of the bridge. "It sounds as though you might be a good influence on Ludo," he said softly - in his limited experience (and that heard from Remi) he had not gotten a favourable impression of death's messenger.

Raising his eyebrows as she waxed poetic for a moment, Ronin folded his arms across his chest. "A former captain of the Storm Guard, pitying herself alone on a bridge? Well, not entirely alone. But still." He tutted her. "Pull yourself together, Steadman. You don't get up in the morning to make friends, do you? You get up to do the right thing. And you are invited to my wedding, and I full expect you to be there. Now come on - too much time alone obviously has your head muddled. Let's get a drink."