a reason to live

the things we hold are always the first to go

They arrived back at the guildhall just after dawn. Ronin had walked largely in silence, unsettled and with his worries painted all over his face. Worry for himself? Not one bit. No, he was anxious about his daughter and if he had made her sick, anxious about Remi, too. (Was the blight even contagious?) Still, there was nothing more he wanted than to hold the other man in his arms and tell him it was alright, even though he knew he shouldn't.

...And as they lingered outside the doors to the guild, the sunlight catching in his hair and in Remi's shattered sea-glass eyes, Ronin realised and remembered that his husband-to-be probably didn't care. So he reached out and drew Remi against him, holding him tightly, pressing his lips in a kiss against his unruly curls. "I am not going anywhere," he promised.

i'm holding on to you, holding on to me

There were any number of things that the two men needed to talk about, but in the expansive silence that stretched long after they had left the newly christened shrine, none of them seemed to matter.

The entire walk home the alchemist created feather after feather, worrying them between his fingers until his anxious had all but dissolved them, only to drop them like a reckless trail of breadcrumbs leading back to the guild as he created yet another and repeated the entire process anew. As they stopped before the guild, the alchemist took a breath, raising his eyes to regard Ronin with an expression that was almost wary. Like an animal intelligent enough to know that it had no option but to endure something it very much didn't want to, but without the ability to do otherwise, Remi simply searched the shockingly blue stare of his lover wanting nothing more in that moment than to crumble.

That is what you said last time, bubbled on Remi's lips, followed quickly by, Do not make promises you cannot keep. That sort of petty sadness made Remi's stomach feel as queasy as Safrin's news about Ronin did, and so he left them instead, merely shrugging against Ronin as he opened the door.

maybe it's all we got but it's all i need

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the things we hold are always the first to go

That his attempts to reach out, to give affection went unrequited said it all, and Ronin let Remi go, his arms dropping to his sides as he followed the other man inside. The guildhall was a silent, sleepy beast, and the hunter resisted the urge to go upstairs to his daughter at the reminder that he was now somehow tainted, somehow wrong. Not only that, of course - Goldilocks was asleep in their bed upstairs, and that wasn't a can of worms worth opening today.

So he moved quietly to the hearth so he could get a fire started, in the meantime pouring himself a generous measure of wine. As the kindling caught and began to crackle and burn, Ronin sank down before the flames, sipping thoughtfully at his drink.

i'm holding on to you, holding on to me

Remi watched Ronin move into the kitchen, and with no small hint of guilt, watching him return with one wine glass. Sighing as he mentally kicked himself, Remi padded into the kitchen pouring his own. Then, thinking better of it, grabbed the bottle and followed Ronin back into the greatroom.

Sinking down with his back against the stones of the hearth, Remi allowed himself another indulgent sigh of pity, also taking a healthy sip of his wine. "I am sorry. I am being selfish." He admitted, honesty and apologies having always come easy to him, though now hesitation threatened to close his throat. "I do not know why I thought that loving you...that proposing to you, the wedding, all of it would keep us safe. But on the hill tonight I realized I did." He added, emotion warbling away at his already accented voice as he looked earnestly towards Ronin.

maybe it's all we got but it's all i need

Coding base by Sky!

the things we hold are always the first to go

"Sometimes we all need to be a little selfish," Ronin mumbled, staring intently into his cup and reluctantly tearing his gaze from it so he could look at Remi properly. The ghost of a smile flickered across his face as he continued, Ronin shrugging a shoulder and taking another long sip of his drink before setting it down beside him. "I thought we were getting married precisely because we knew the world was not safe," he murmured, though he couldn't begrudge Remi his good nature.

"I feel fine," he said, like that might help. "Safrin... whatever was wrong with me before, she must have pushed it back. I don't... I feel better than I have in a long while. So... we have time. We'll get rid of this blight, find a cure for it."

i'm holding on to you, holding on to me

"Yes, yes." Remi agreed with a playfully exasperated sigh that caused his curls to bounce as he blew a stream of air upwards. "There is no way I just said that to trick you into marrying me sooner." He added, not entirely kidding.

Shooting Ronin an unimpressed look at the words pushed it back, as if having a bit of blight was something to celebrate about, Remi chewed the inside of his lip. "This...do you remember when this happened in Northaven? The tree...thing?" No one that the alchemist had known personally had been effected, but a plant-based blight that was slowly killing people? It certainly seemed familiar enough to make him worry.

maybe it's all we got but it's all i need

Coding base by Sky!

the things we hold are always the first to go

"Trick me? You needn't have bothered - I would do anything for you, if only you would ask." Ronin smiled sweetly across at Remi in response to his playfulness, finding it an all too easy rhythm to fall into. And it was a dance that they knew well; why else would they agree to dance forever, otherwise? Still, he fell quiet to hear the alchemist out as he spoke, nodding gently and rubbing at his eyes.

"I remember," he said. "And I remember that the crown was as useless there as it is here at doing anything about it. So... let's do things differently this time." Dropping his hand, he smiled to Remi. "Arduinna cured the Undine," he said. "And the waters she lived in. We all saw it - but I remember Deimos's meeting, and I thought the Fae were just as puzzled as we were about the blight. Have things changed? Or did she... did she just do what Safrin did to me?"

Did she just buy time?

i'm holding on to you, holding on to me

It was easy, and that's precisely what made it all the harder. Letting his head loll backwards as he exhaled, Remi closed his eyes and nodded absently. "I just do not want to lose you again." He said, not so much an admission but a vocalization of the thoughts swirling about in his head. It didn't need to be voiced, Remi knew as much. Perhaps that was why it was said more matter-of-factly, rather than with its normal amount of love and affection.

"Oh, so we should just stroll out and ask Arduinna then?" Remi replied in a tone more clipped than he'd intended. Grimacing and scratching at his head, the alchemist sighed again. "Sorry." He apologized immediately, but wearily. "It could be. I would not be surprised if Arduinna made it seem as though she did more than she let on. Why else would she not have healed the undine sooner? Why wait for an audience? "

maybe it's all we got but it's all i need

Coding base by Sky!

the things we hold are always the first to go

Ronin heard Remi out in full, wincing at his tone but giving a sad smile as if to dismiss it - he more than understood all of it, after all. His death, Arduinna... their lives had been marred by loss, even as recently as last season. "Hope is a powerful thing," he said as to her motives, shrugging his shoulders.

"Look at our last meeting. A little hope goes a long way. I think it would be worth exploring this again with the Fae. I guess we'll be breaking more laws before the week is out." He glanced across at his lover, managing a faint grin.

"I don't want to be lost," he admitted quietly. "But more than that, I don't... I'm scared. Remi, what if Aoife has blight too?" Their star eyed girl was tied to Safrin too - had been spared by the goddess before she had even breathed her first.

i'm holding on to you, holding on to me

"Well, I seem to remember someone mentioning that there is little Zariah can do to stop me. You on the other hand—" The alchemist raised a brow, letting the silence linger for just a moment before grinning. "—seem to be quite formidable in your own right lately."

Ronin's admission cut right to the quick of Remi's insecurities, and the alchemist pulled in a shuddery breath. He made no attempt to appear strong for his lover; Remi was as strong as he was and not an ounce more. Swallowing hard, Remi moved to sit beside Ronin, snaking an arm behind the ex-captain and leaning sturdily against him. "If Aoife was infected too, there is no way Safrin would have left us leave. For all that you are to Safrin, I am sure she knows that she would be nothing to you if she let Aoife die while healing you."

maybe it's all we got but it's all i need

Coding base by Sky!

the things we hold are always the first to go

"And I meant every word and I still do," Ronin said haughtily, squinting in suspicion at his lover before Remi surprised him with an admission of progress of all things. "It's good to know that my back breaking training is paying off," he quipped, though of course his good mood plummeted completely as they discussed their daughter's state of health.

Shifting closer as Remi moved to sit beside him, Ronin leant against his lover and slung an arm around him in return, resting his head against the alchemist's soft curls. He needed it more than he could vocalise, breathing in deep and letting it out in a sigh. The slightest bit of tension left him at Remi's reassurances, the hunter nodding gently. "You're right, of course. But... we don't know if it's contagious. What about in future? And what about you?" Suddenly sitting so close seemed taboo.

i'm holding on to you, holding on to me

"Mmm." Remi agreed, eyeing one of Ronin's biceps with hungry and pointed approval to prove his point. Ronin's progress hadn't been lost on him at all, but nor did Remi feel the need to constantly mention it. Not when the reversal of their body-types was still more or less more evident than it should have been.

Laughing slightly and tugging Ronin closer, Remi shook his head only slightly so as not to disrupt Ronin's position against him. "If you suggest we start sleeping in separate beds, it will not be the blight that kills you." The alchemist threatened lovingly, his fingers wandering down to Ronin's hip and relaxing comfortably just in the fold of his pants. "No one else is sick, are they? Safrin seemed to make it sound like you only got it because she has it. Since I do not know of any other...well, yous around, I think we are safe. I do not even remember the fae saying anything."

Not sure if it was the type of subject he was meant to tiptoe around (having never really had an ex before in this way), Remi nibbled the inside of his lip. "I wonder if we could find Ianto. He likely knows much more about the fae and the woods than we could find out on our own."

maybe it's all we got but it's all i need

Coding base by Sky!

the things we hold are always the first to go

Remi's smiles and laughter were contagious and Ronin allowed himself to be tugged closer, grinning as he turned his head to press a warm kiss against the side of Remi's neck. "You make a compelling point and I am far too tired and shaken up by all of this to question you," he murmured, holding the other man close. Having stayed up all night to build a shrine and then to have this news dropped on them... Ronin was a little weary of it all.

He blinked his eyes open at the mention of Ianto, frowning gently as he realised he'd not actually seen the fox around in... well, forever. But then was that so strange, really, with what had happened between them? "It's a good idea," he agreed. "Didn't you say his Wishing Wagon has become a trading post between us and the Fae? Would you be able to go there without permission?"

i'm holding on to you, holding on to me

For a moment Remi just closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of one of Ronin's arms around him and the soft pressure of his lips against his neck. One day he'd likely not be immediately turned on by Ronin's mere presence. When that day was was probably about as close as the day when the Hollowed Grounds were rendered entirely safe. Humming a note of satisfaction Remi let himself melt against Ronin all the more.

Shrugging lightly, Remi considered. "Well...as far as the fae said, I am one of the few allowed in the village, so really it is just Zariah to worry about. And surely she cannot account for my whereabouts at all times. I do have a job, a soon-to-be-husband, a daughter, a unicorn, a guild, and a wedding to plan." Puffing up his chest with faux pride and showmanship Remi grinned, "I am quite busy these days, I will have you know." He said with a laugh, immediately deflating.

maybe it's all we got but it's all i need

Coding base by Sky!