I'm with you even if it makes me blue

LOREN

Loren had been avoiding Remi since the summoner’s return to the Hollowed Grounds, for what should hopefully be pretty obvious reasons. However, just because the Launceleyn’s life had essentially stopped didn’t mean everything else had halted: they still had LongNight preparations to make and given the summoner and the alchemist’s particular skill sets, they would need to find some way to work together to ensure everyone’s safety. While Loren probably could’ve gone to Deimos about this, the summoner was still waiting to meet with the general and Queen Wessex, and he figured it was best to let them call upon him, given how he’d recently screwed up with the Fae. Presumably they weren't too happy with him.

So, all that was to say, despite the fact that this was the last place the Launceleyn wanted to be, he once again found himself outside Remi’s workshop. Carefully shoving even the barest hint of emotion from his mind and his face, Loren knocked, bracing himself for what he was sure was going to be another round of the alchemist doing everything in his power to coax the Launceleyn out of this hollow shell he’d become and the summoner in turn doing everything he could to fend off the other man’s efforts.

Or as Loren liked to think of it, the new normal. If anything about this could be called normal.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

i've been sleepwalking and wandering all night

"It is open—" The alchemist called upon hearing the sound of the knock. Once upon a time it would have brought a quietly befuddled smile to Remi's lips along with thoughts of, why do they bother knocking?. Now, it was more of a weary sigh; the same thoughts, though much less lovingly held.

Sitting at the counter at the back of the shop, the alchemist was hunched over a sketch pad. He was working out structural drawings for the Spark Bird perch, and trying to think-through the implications of having so many ascended with the power to create the electric bird (presumably, anyways). Though Amalia had applied a thick layer of honey to the alchemist's wounds, the blighted-bite and scratches were not healing as well as they should. Chewing on some willow bark that the baker had given him to help with the pain, Remi's fingers made the bit of charcoal he had dance across his knuckles as he glared down at the page, willing ideas to come to him.

trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Of course it was open. Loren remembered that much from his last visit to Remi’s workshop. However the summoner had been hoping to buy as much time as possible before having to see the alchemist. Still, the Launcleeyn pushed through without hesitation: though the cheerfully tinkling bell was totally at odds with the emptiness inside him, no hint of that showed on his face. Indeed, there wasn’t much of anything there except for a blank stare.

The other man was clearly visible at the back of the shop, though he was hunched over a piece of paper that he peered at intently. The summoner halted just inside the doorway, hands held at his side, posture nearly ramrod straight. ”It’s me.” His voice came out softly and carefully controlled. If Remi needed more than that, well, Loren wasn’t really sure he could give it.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

It's me. The words stopped the alchemist's sketching fingers, his heart skipping a beat and then thudding out an unhappy rhythm. Vaguely his lashes fluttered as he stared without seeing for a moment, before looking up. How unfair those words were: it's me. The level of familiarity they suggested was so at odds with everything the Launceleyn had done when last the pair were together. The hours leading up to the pit and then the days within had been an unfair scraping of a soul and heart already reduced to a pulpy mess. Remi had told the summoner what was on his mind, how degraded his every thought had become and then after promising to be there, to be a friend and to try, after one fleeting moment of rare honesty, the Launceleyn had pushed the alchemist away even farther than he'd been to start.

What Remi didn't know, was why. Why Loren deigned to care, or profess that he did, only to snatch it all away leaving wounds far deeper than the ones Remi had started with?

"Back here." The alchemist called back, just as softly though with none of the careful control of tone that Loren imposed.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

At Remi’s words, Loren stiffened almost imperceptibly. Still, he walked into the back of the shop without his face betraying anything but the void where his heart used to be. ”Sorry to intrude. I forgot to mention it earlier, but I can store my creatures in amulets. So if you wanted to prepare some for LongNight, I came to offer my services.” The summoner did his best to keep his tone businesslike; while the alchemist might be a wreck, and it might even be the Launceleyn’s fault, anything Loren did or said would just make it worse. Best to disabuse the other man that there was any chance at salvaging a relationship. Even if it hurt Remi now, it would be better in the long run.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

"So that is that, mm?" Remi asked softly, placing down the stub of charcoal with a slight wince as the material of his shirt caught on the honey-mixture holding his skin together. "What you said you wanted on the first day?" Not being friends. Not being anything. Everything that had come after had been...what? Meaningless, apparently. Or a lie. Once again, Remi was left wondering which, and not knowing which was worse.

"I did tell you that you could." Remi added, shifting slightly and letting his wounded shoulder slump as he gazed at the summoner. "Not that I should be surprised. You do not seem to want to take my word for much these days."

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Loren’s eyes narrowed when Remi winced, but the summoner chalked it up to the alchemist’s discomfort at being forced to put up with the Launceleyn one time too many. It seemed that Remi was going to once again want to talk about all this, everything between them. So it would be up to Loren to stop that before it went too far. After all, he wasn’t the only one who wasn’t listening here. ”I told you. That first day I told you that I would only prove capable of hurting you. So yes.”

The Launceleyn’s voice was just tired. Not sad, not angry, not annoyed, just filled with a bone-deep exhaustion. The alchemist’s optimism had let Loren believe for a brief moment that maybe there could be more between them. But in the end, the summoner's pessimism had won out, and now he knew he should’ve trusted his instincts to begin with, the ones that had told him that whatever the other man might think, the Launceleyn only brought pain and heartbreak in his wake.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

"And I thought we agreed that was up to me to decide." The alchemist said wearily. "Do me the favour of telling me one last time that you do not want this." Want me. "Because honestly Loren...I thought...I thought pushing was what you needed. That because of everything, because of how you were raised that you just needed to be shown how things could be different. That you needed someone to chase you if only so you could see that they would. That I would." But after all of it, the breakthroughs and moments where the alchemist thought he truly saw the summoner, felt something more than just hollow bones, now it all simply felt like lies. You couldn't open up like that, bear your soul, and have it be meaningless. Loren couldn't love Remi still and do this. It just simply wasn't the sort of thing love did.

"Say it now and I ... will do whatever you ask." Remi concluded with a dull edge to his voice, preparing himself for the inevitable, yes, leave me alone and simply be a merchant NPC when I need you.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

No one knew what Loren needed. Certainly not Remi, but the summoner was probably the person least well-equipped to know what he needed, even less so than the other man. Still, the Launceleyn knew what he wanted, and what he wanted was the alchemist. However, there was no way to have the other man in the Loren’s life without causing them both untold amounts of pain. At least none that he could see from here.

”I-” Loren’s voice broke, and his eyes swam with tears. All at once his careful facade crumbled, and he shrank in on himself, looking lost and alone. Still, even as he looked away from Remi, not able to bear the expression on the alchemist's face or the tone in the other man’s voice, the Launceleyn gathered his courage. Everything he’d told the other man on that day had been true: that Loren wasn’t good for Remi, that the summoner’s feelings didn’t matter, that the alchemist wouldn’t be pleased to reacquaint himself with the Launceleyn. And his own emotions had never stopped him from doing the right thing before, even if it was the hardest thing he’d ever done. He was strong enough to do this, even if it killed him. ”I...I do not want this.”

And that too, was true.

Because even if Loren loved Remi—which he did—the Launceleyn didn’t know how to love without pain. Without hurting those he cared for. It was what he’d been raised to do, and that last, awful scar from his past was the one thing he couldn't heal. But even if he couldn’t love without hurting, then he could at least remove himself from the equation. That was the only way he knew how to protect Remi.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

Gods, the pause. It was always the pause, just as it was always the blue of their eyes, that did the alchemist in. His heart leaped and fluttered, buoyant with hope that though he knew magic couldn't erase the memories of the scars as they had the scars themselves, that if nothing else had been true, that Loren had meant it when he said he would try.

To hear the words said out loud, unequivocally, with the Launceleyn unable to even look at the alchemist as he said them, was...indescribable. Remi felt like he couldn't move, like all of his mental computing power was replaying the words over and over and over again in his mind, leaving no capacity for anything else. He didn't breathe, didn't blink. One of his hands hovered just above the counter, fingers twitching with the unsteady thrum of his pulse as he felt the world around him chill and grow noisy. He felt as if he was drifting, somewhere far away, watching all of this happen. Tears bubbled to the surface but did not fall right away, so still was his face. Finally when he did move, when he did remember to breathe, they dropped onto the countertop with what the alchemist could have sworn was an audible plop.

Leaning over the counter with a groan of discomfort from his poorly-bandaged shoulder, the alchemist rested his forehead on his hands and stared down at the strange patterns his tears made on the counter.

"How many." He said after what was probably an eternity, in a voice that did not sound like his own. "How many amulets would you like."

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

It had to be done. And it was over now. Remi would recover from this, eventually, even if Loren wouldn’t. But it was the right thing to do, and there was no going back. The summoner just waited, not daring to move until the alchemist finally spoke. The question, however, caught the Launceleyn off guard.

Almost guiltily, he looked up at the other man. ”I defer to your judgment.” It had been made abundantly clear to Loren that he should not be making any decisions about basically anything, given his ignorance and how far out of his depth he was. His voice carried traces of sorrow in it, but even so he resolved himself to stand firm in the face of Remi’s obvious distress.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

Over? As if it was all that simple. As if Remi was once again a light switch to be flipped off and on at Loren's discretion and comfort level. It might be over for the Launceleyn, but not by a landslide for the alchemist.

"I believe Wessex is still trying to decide where the bulk of our people should stay. We should wait until we know that, so there can be amulets at the doors." Such was the problem with staying at the Rathskeller, for with its multiple ins and outs, there was simply no way to keep it defensible. But now there was the Manor, the Monster Hunter's Guild, and according to Deimos, Remi's own guild on offer.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Loren was waiting to hear back from Wessex and Deimos, and given the whole pissing off the Fae (and, in turn, the queen), the Launceleyn figured it was best for her to just make the final judgment about where to send people. Again, he wasn’t going to be making any decisions for others, not after he’d made a mess of everything. His own judgment clearly couldn’t be trusted. ”I’ll wait for her orders then.” Almost, he was relieved that he didn’t have to spend more time with Remi: the alchemist could just send the amulets to the Manor and the summoner could prevent himself from causing the other many any more pain.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

The alchemist hummed a note of acknowledgement, finally sweeping a hand across his eyes to partially dry them before looking up at the Launceleyn with eyelashes fused together from tears and a sea-foam shattered stare. Unable to do more than offer one of those half-smiles of well...alright then that didn't come close to reaching his eyes, the alchemist picked up his notebook and charcoal nodding awkwardly to Loren.

Heading towards the door just behind the counter, to the small room in the back that worked as a kitchen and office, the alchemist gripped the doorframe for a moment and paused. A rose of blood had bloomed on the pale material of his shirt, but it wasn't that which had caused the alchemist to halt, but the lingering inability to hold his tongue. This was probably just another reason why Loren didn't want to be around him, but if so, so be it. Remi was who he was now more than ever, even if he was hated and abandoned for it.

"Unconditional means just that." He said in a pitch just above a whisper, glancing over his shoulder at the summoner though not really letting himself focus on him. Whatever Loren had felt and wanted, Remi's love was unconditional, memories or no. He would be here, pathetic as it was, waiting should the Launceleyn ever return no matter the number of times he was kicked down and told he wasn't wanted. So saying, Remi nodded slightly before turning to enter the room.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!