I'm with you even if it makes me blue

LOREN

As Remi turned to go Loren hesitated. He probably should’ve left as well, but something in the alchemist’s shattered gaze and broken smile had rooted the summoner to the ground. Then the crimson stain spread on the other man’s shoulder and all thoughts of leaving departed: the Launceleyn walked forward at a brisk pace, hand already rising and glowing with healing magic, mouth opening to ask what was wrong.

Which was why he was close enough to hear Remi’s whisper. As the other man entered the room, Loren halted at the threshold, instinctively propping the door open with a foot. ”What?” His confusion was evident, but he really had no idea what the other man was talking about. Or maybe the Launceleyn was choosing not to examine it too closely, for fear of reopening the wounds he’d tried to close once and for all.

At that thought about injuries, his paralysis lifted. Shaking his head, he walked forward. ”You’re hurt.” It wasn’t a question, and unless the alchemist resisted, the summoner would place his hand on Remi’s shoulder and pour healing magic into the other man. Whatever was or was not between them, Loren wouldn’t stand by and watch the alchemist in physical pain.

That at least, he could do something about, even if the emotions were the real problem here. Those, well, those were beyond him.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

Oh, the alchemist was going to resist.

Having turned at the sound of Loren following him, Remi stumbled backwards knocking over a folding chair until his back was pressed against the workbench running the length of the wall. The alchemist was far, far too gone for this to continue. Too emotionally bankrupt, too raw everywhere it mattered most. And so as Loren dared to worry about him physically, something like laughter bubbled up in the back of the alchemist's throat. Clenching his teeth together the alchemist grabbed the base of his shirt, peeling it off in a swift motion and taking the bandages with it. As impressive as Remi's physique had become, it was the gaping and unhealing wounds that surely would pull the summoner's attention. Phoebe had taken an impressive chunk of flesh out of his bicep, while Ronin had left a myriad of deep and uneven claw marks down his spine and the backs of his arms. None of which were healing, all of which were extremely red and appeared quite painful.

"You said you did not want this Loren, so why are you still here." Not a question. The alchemist stalked forward, eyes narrowed, to be nearly nose-to-nose with the summoner if he should stay still. Tossing his shirt to the ground, the alchemist let his eyes wander from Loren's lower, shaking his head an imperceptible amount. "Maybe you only care about me physically, is that it?" Loren seemed fine wounding the alchemist emotionally, but physical wounds? Oh no. Couldn't have that. There was an edge of mania in Remi's voice now as his gaze and posture seemed to dare the Launceleyn to defend himself. "Maybe I owe you an apology, adding new injuries so soon after you removed the rest of them." The alchemist added with a bitter laugh. If Loren was still close, surely he'd smell the honey amidst the aroma of rotting flesh. "I guess neither of us were done with our scars, mmm?"

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Loren had known Remi would be upset. Rightfully so: the summoner had been deliberately trying to provoke just that response, in the hope that it would convince the alchemist once and for all to stay away from the Launceleyn. However at the ugly, almost cruel, laughter that came from Remi, Loren’s resolve and his hand faltered. That didn’t sound like the other man. Not at all, and a shiver crept up the summoner’s spine.

Then Remi stripped off his shirt and the Launceleyn couldn’t help the hiss of sympathy that escaped his lips. As the alchemist stalked closer—too close, a tiny but dwindling part of the summoner screamed—Loren held his ground. Even now, as the accusations came flying from the other man’s lips, the summoner stood unmoving, blue eyes meeting shattered green without looking away. The Launceleyn was far more concerned about the smell of rot and honey than he was about upsetting Remi further or about preventing further heartbreak. And even as the other man grew increasingly distressed, crazed even, all Loren saw was the man he loved in pain. Pain that the summoner had caused, and that was far worse than the physical wounds would suggest.

The Launceleyn wouldn’t defend himself, even as the alchemist seemed to loom over the summoner’s much smaller frame: whatever weight he’d put on had been lost even in the few days since he’d left the pit. Still, as Remi laughed again, the summoner felt his heart sink. It might be too late to save the other man, given everything the Launceleyn had put him through.

But Loren would never stop trying.

Emotion bled back into him, into his eyes and face and posture, as he finally released it from the cage he’d been keeping it in, as he finally emerged from the dark place he’d thought would help them both. Heartache, for the man the Launceleyn knew he couldn’t have; fear, for the way the alchemist was acting; depression for how fundamentally and completely the summoner had screwed everything up with the other man; and finally love. The love that Loren felt for Remi.

Loren didn’t know if it would save them or destroy them.

”Remi, please.” The Launceleyn was pleading, his voice heavy with emotion and worry and care; while his own health and well-being, both physical and mental, might be irrelevant, Remi’s very much weren’t. ”I promise to talk to you. To be whatever you need, or want me to be or not be. But please. Let me heal you.” The summoner knew his promises were worth little these days, but he sank as much genuine conviction and honesty as he could into his voice. And he meant it: he had never mattered in this.

The alchemist, on the other hand, was everything.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

Inches between them, between lips and hands and hearts thudding out uncertain rhythms. But the alchemist was empty now, and so as close as he was to Loren, there simply nothing in him anymore.

"Please what." Remi snapped dryly. "Oh, do you Loren? For how long this time? A few hours?" Then something in the alchemist did seem to snap, the light in his eyes both dulling and flashing somehow as he leaned forward. His eyes scoured Loren's face, close enough that at the right angles, his eyelashes would have brushed the Launceleyn's cheek as he narrowed his gaze in a glare.

"This, is from Phoebe." Remi said, pulling back and raising his shoulder. The skin stretched unhappily with the motion, fresh clear liquid oozing from the wound. "And these?" The alchemist gestured to the far large gashes on his spine, ribs, and arms. "Are from Ronin."

Stepping forward again with steel and madness bright in his gaze, the alchemist laughed darkly again. "So you see Loren, those I love hurt me all the time. But you only seem to only want to heal the wounds that you have not caused."

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Remi’s words and demeanor continued to deteriorate. However, Loren didn’t move a muscle. He didn’t know if he dared: there was a wild look in the alchemist’s eyes that the summoner didn’t quite trust, and his heart was pounding in his chest while sweat beaded on his brow. If the other man got violent there was nothing the Launceleyn could do to defend himself.

All Loren had were his words, and those had never been enough. Still, everything Remi said was completely, and totally justified. ”I’m sorry. About everything.” The Launceleyn took a deep, shuddering breath, but continued to meet the madness in the alchemist’s green eyes with a concerned worry in the summoner’s blue ones. ”Then let me heal those too. Please.” As long as it took, as much as it hurt Loren, he’d find a way to undo all the damage he and others had done to the other man.

The alchemist wouldn’t be the first mad person Loren had harmed and loved in equal measure. It was something of a Launceleyn speciality, after all.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

"So I can be a blank canvas again? Fresh for more, as soon as you feel like it?" Whereas Loren's breathing was shuddery, Remi's came in short and wild pants now. "You cannot look me in the eye and tell me you do not know what you have been doing." Perhaps at first Loren might not have—a hand on Remi's shoulder, a kind smile—but now? Oh no. The summoner couldn't dare deny it now. He'd baited the alchemist the second he'd walked in, the instant he'd said, You really don't know who I am? and then he'd simply hooked the alchemist and let him flail on the end of the line. Sometimes reeled in, sometimes hugged and soothed with consoling words, sometimes pushed away with frosty non-hugs, vacant eyes, and I do not want this. All knowingly done. All intentional.

And only moments ago Loren had cut the alchemist free, only to try and bait him again. And oh, as if the two of them didn't know that Remi would always take that bait. It was unconditional, as the alchemist has said after all.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

It had all gotten mixed up in Loren’s mind and Remi’s both, it seemed, and now they were both trapped in this hell of the summoner’s making. All he had wanted was the exact opposite of what was unfolding, the alchemist’s sanity crumbling before the Launceleyn and hateful, cutting, but—and this was most damning of all—accurate words spewing from the other man’s lips. And Loren had no response. ”I was trying to protect you. From this. From me.” His voice came out in a soft and sorrowful whisper, yet his blue eyes met the alchemist’s green ones without wavering. ”I thought if I pushed you away I could keep you safe.” Safe from the Launceleyns' twisted and sick form of love. But Remi had been too persistent and Loren too weak. And he’d foolishly allowed himself to believe, to hope, to dream.

He could live with his own dreams being crushed. He’d survived it before. But not the other man’s. Not Remi, too, who should be full of life and light and happiness, all the things that Loren knew he could never have but that had once been such a part of Remi that his optimism and love had seemed enough for the both of them.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

.However close the summoner now stood, the gulf felt an impossible distance to cross. But just then that felt to Remi precisely what Loren probably wanted. A chasm only just on the possible side of impossible distances, the current heading the wrong way, and the alchemist already wading through to reach the other side. To reach Loren, only to find the summoner had switched sides when the alchemist made it half way. Once upon a time the alchemist could never have been this close to the summoner, and now? Well. More on that later.

"Ahh yes. Of course. Remi said rolling his eyes and pulling away, teeth tightly clenched. Leaning down he righted the knocked over folding table before resting his palms on the workbench, his back to Loren. Taking a deep breath, Remi exhaled in a long stream, eyes pressed tightly shut.

"Keep me safe.." He repeated, one of his bare feet tapping anxiously on the ground as feathers ruffled through his curls and down the top of his spine. "My life has never been safe. I have never asked for it to." Remi added, a nail turning into a claw as he scratched it down into the wood of the bench.

"You've also done a terrible job of it." He added, shoulder slumping slightly which only made Remi draw in a strained hiss of pain.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Remi stepped away and Loren suddenly had room to breathe. However, that hadn’t actually been what he wanted: even though the alchemist had been uncomfortably close before, the summoner didn’t trust the sudden distance between, especially since the other man’s words still came out in a dark tone and various parts of his body were shifting wildly, a clear sign that not all was well. However, none of this was what he wanted and he didn't know what to do about any of it.

Of course the Launceleyn knew that Remi had been upset. It’s what Loren had wanted, been counting on even. But not like this. He’d wanted anger, not this pained and wild and sad emotion that seemed to be coursing through the alchemist. As the other man scratched against the wood, the summoner’s breath caught in his throat. Speaking to the alchemist's back seemed wrong, so the Launceleyn came around to the front of the other man. ”I know it’s never been safe. And I know I messed up. Terribly. But you should be safe. And that's all I wanted, I swear, to protect you.” As the pained sound came from Remi Loren flinched. ”Please let me heal you. And then we can talk. About everything or nothing, whatever you want.” Tentatively the Launceleyn took a step forward, his hand hovering over the other man’s shoulder, magic at the ready.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

Remi glanced up, green eyes glaring through his long lashes as he groaned under his breath, shaking his head. "I already fell in love with you, Loren. If that is what you are saving me from you are far too late. The alchemist said in a rather flat tone, like a stone made matte and dull from constant rubbing. Remi's eyes washed briefly over Loren's face, the stubble here and there, the line of his jaw, before returning safely to the woodgrain on the bench. Swallowing hard, Remi stood up sharply as the summoner's hand reached out.

Shivering slightly, having not lit a fire in this room, the alchemist tugged in a breath and fixed the summoner with a pointed stare. Letting his head loll slightly to the side and having to resist the urge to ruffle a hand to dismiss the feathers in his curls, Remi raised a skeptical brow. "I see your ability to touch me comes and goes as well" This was said with no small amount of accusation as the alchemist glanced at the summoner's raised hand.

"You know, you never ask to heal me normally. You just put your hands where you want." And yet when Remi did it, all hell broke loose. Or manticores, anyways. Perhaps the criticism wasn't fair, but it felt apt in the moment.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Remi might’ve fallen in love with Loren. But the gods had taken the feeling and the memory of it from the other man, and given that the alchemist was married—and given how the summoner had been acting—there was little chance of that happening again. However, that was not what the Launceleyn had been afraid of. ”I was protecting you from the pain of being around me, in both the short and the long term. Or trying, at least.” He'd failed, obviously. Maybe he’d been misguided in his thinking and his actions, but he genuinely had been trying to do the right thing.

At the next accusation that came out of the other man’s mouth, however, Loren paused, actually considering it. It was true, his anxiety about being touched seemed to have disappeared and he frowned, trying to remember when it had happened. Then he realized that it had been his encounter with Frey, when the deity had demonstrated that not all contact had to be bad, that had cured him of that particular issue and he flushed. Obviously he wasn’t going to mention that to Remi. Granted, the problem had never been with touching others, just with being touched (and even that had mostly been in Loren's head), but bringing that up also seemed unwise.

Instead, the summoner just gave the alchemist a guilty and apologetic look. ”You’re right. I’m sorry. I should have asked, and I will ask from now on.” The Launceleyn took another deep breath. ”May I please heal you?” Then he hesitated, blue eyes searching Remi’s face for any sign of what the other man needed right now. ”You can touch me, if you want. In whatever form you’d like. I won’t freak out, or shy away, or start panicking.” Loren wouldn’t, not that the alchemist was likely to believe that any more than he’d believed anything the summoner had done or said since his return.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

All the alchemist could do was shake his head, scoffing darkly beneath his breath. The muscles of his jaw feathered as he exhaled with frustration. His nails-turned-claws scratched deeply into the soft wood of the bench, the pressure beneath his nails somewhat of a relief; this argument again. How did it go? That Loren was so bad to be around, a bringer of pain, and Remi deserved better? And oh, what of Remi's thoughts on the matter? Nahh, why ask. Why bother to worry about what he might want, need, or be able to endure. Why bother asking how he felt about seeing Loren, what it was like now, if indeed the unlikely had occurred. "Right." He drawled with an unhappy sigh, closing his eyes tightly for a moment.

Letting his brows come together and then raise, Remi's lips moved in silent confusion. "Did you just say I could touch you if I wanted." He asked, sounding both shocked and strangely amused. The idea was quite laughable really, for the one thing Remi was quite sure he couldn't do with carte blanche, was touch the other man. Who would implode first was anyone's guess, but surely that was the one thing not to be done.

"You absolutely would start panicking. That, or shut me out completely."

As for healing? "You said you did not want this, Loren. Healing me is part of this. So no, Loren. You can't." Of course it was at that moment his back started bleeting with pain, and it took all of the alchemist's willpower to keep his hands when they were.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

It wasn’t right, not by a long sight. It was wrong, all wrong, and Loren didn’t know what to do about it, about the fact that Remi’s hands had turned into claws, about the sigh that came from the other man’s lips, about the way the alchemist’s eyes closed. But the summoner was probably the worst person to help in that moment, given that he’d caused some, or more likely, all of Remi’s distress.

But Loren was the only other one there. And he needed to fix this, somehow. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he didn't.

”I did say that. And I won’t.” There was only one way for the alchemist to confirm that fact, so the Launceleyn lowered his hand from where it had been hovering over the other man’s shoulder all this time and turned it palm up, for Remi to take if he dared; simultaneously, the summoner banished any hint of his healing magic. The glow in his fingers faded, though it almost pained him to do this with the alchemist’s wounds so near. However, it was important that Loren remove any and all barriers to try and reclaim the trust he’d so callously and deliberately tossed away. And if there was even a chance that Remi might not take the Launceleyn's hand because the alchemist didn't want to be healed, well, that was a chance the summoner was not willing to take.

A long terrible moment of silence passed at the other man’s next words. Loren stared at Remi with heartbroken eyes. However, perhaps this outcome had always been inevitable, perhaps the Launceleyn had never really had a choice in his own fate, and perhaps the alchemist’s needs had always been greater than the summoner’s. Loren didn’t know. All he knew was what he could and could not stomach. And leaving the other man in that moment was beyond the Launceleyn.

”I cannot stand here and watch you in pain.” The admission came out in the barest hint of a whisper. Taking a deep breath and holding it for as long as he could, when he finally let it out it was almost a pained and definitely sad sound. ”So tell what what I can do to make this better.” Whatever it was, whatever price it extracted from his empty heart, Loren would pay it, and gladly.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

Sadly, in the few weeks that the alchemist had gotten to re-know the summoner, his word meant less and less with each passing day. The things Loren vowed to do or not do seemed to hold absolutely no bearing on what the Launceleyn in fact did.

"You cannot stand here and watch me in pain." Remi repeated, folding his arms across his chest. "So is that why you recede away all the time? So you can maintain both that you do not want to see me in pain, and ignore the times when I am?" Leaving me the first time, pushing me away every other time, sitting in silence for days in the pit.

"Loren..it.." Exasperation sparked heat in Remi's cheeks and he released his tightly crossed arms to rake his fingers through his hair. "..there is no better. There is no fixing, or protecting. It all just is, and it is messy and painful, but...that is what my life is like. That is what all of this is like." He said, letting his arms flop helplessly to his sides, giving the summoner a helpless look.

"You literally just said no to all of this, Loren. So what is it you want? To heal my wounds so you can feel better about the past, but otherwise keep me at arms-length?"

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!