I'm with you even if it makes me blue

LOREN

”I left because I knew if I stayed I’d hurt you worse than leaving you would.” The words, paradoxical as they might sound, were nothing but the truth, and Loren pleaded with his eyes and his tone for Remi to understand. However, it seemed that the alchemist wouldn’t, or couldn’t, based on the way the other man spoke about and how messy it was and how there was no going backwards or forwards in a way that would make everyone happy.

What is it you want?

The words echoed in Loren’s ears, ringing in an endless circle. He bit his lip and dropped his outstretched hand to hug himself instead, while looking away from the other man’s piercing gaze. The truth of the matter was, the summoner didn’t know what he wanted, beyond wanting this all to be over. Beyond wanting to do something to erase the pain and heartbreak he’d caused the alchemist. Beyond wanting to get through another day that was empty of anything but hurt and loneliness.

No. That too was a lie. He knew what he wanted. He was just too afraid to admit it. Yes, too afraid to tell Remi, but mostly Loren was too afraid to tell himself because everything he’d ever wanted had hurt him in the end.

But he’d promised honestly.

And he needed to keep at least one of his promises.

”What do I want.” It came out as more of a breath than anything else. Still, he lifted his eyes to meet Remi’s. ”I want those I care about to be safe and happy.” His voice was gaining strength, though it was still soft and tentative. ”I want to feel something other than this crippling loneliness and depression.” It hurt to say that, but the alchemist had asked and if there wasn’t going to be anything between them moving forward than the Launceleyn would take this final opportunity to try and explain why he’d ruined everything. ”I want to leave behind a legacy of something other than death, and destruction, and pain, which seems to be all my family and I are good for.” There was a wistful quality to his voice now, and his eyes were far away though they still looked into the other man’s.

”I want to love, and be loved, a love that isn’t twisted and painful or marred by people hurting me and telling me it’s for my own good, to make me stronger.” Loren’s voice completely broke now and he slumped where he stood. ”Again, that is.” Because he’d had that once, with Remi. Before Loren had ruined both their lives by being too weak to accept the unconditional love that the other man had offered.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

"You know that, do you? Is that a magical power you have been hiding Loren? Or is that just...what you think based on all the healthy relationships you have had?" It might be more blunt than the alchemist would have liked, but this was nearing the fifth time the pair had tried to have this conversation. At some point, they either both needed to hear what the other was saying, or give up for good.

The crazed anger of a few moments ago dissipated instantly in the face of Loren's admissions. It wasn't the sort of thing Remi could keep up for long anyways, too far from his normal state of being as it was. "Loren.." The alchemist sighed softly, not wanting to interrupt, but also not wanting Loren to continue to verbally reinforce his negative self image. Without his memories he couldn't speak to much of what the Launceleyn was saying, couldn't articulate what it was the other man probably wanted and needed to hear. And, married as he was, couldn't do the things that might help the summoner most. The alchemist was undoubtedly in love with Ronin, would never do anything to jeopardize that, but he'd loved the summoner first. And whatever it was that had so captured the alchemist's attention once, memories or no, was still there.

As Loren slumped, one of the alchemist's hands immediately stretched out, his palm moving to slide across one of the summoner's cheeks to raise his gaze. Holding him softly there, if he could, the alchemist merely took a moment to look. To see whatever parts of Loren this had revealed, if any. To try and swim across his chasm once again to bring the summoner back. Remi's thumb moved perhaps an imperceptible amount across the crest of Loren's cheek bone, as he tried to pull in a breath that simply hovered over his parted lips.

"If you want to be loved Loren, I can do that." He whispered, turning towards the other man fully and stewing in the silence for a long moment. "...but if you want to be in love.." The alchemist trailed off, the flashes of a future that would never be now causing a small wince to temporarily crease Remi's boyish features.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

No Loren didn’t know that for sure. But he had knowledge of his past relationships, knowledge that Remi obviously lacked (though the summoner couldn’t imagine the alchemist thought the Launceleyn was good at relationships or at not hurting people based on how Loren had acted since his return). And what that knowledge told the summoner was that he screwed it up, somehow, inevitably, eventually.

It was just about the only thing he knew for sure.

Still, he couldn’t deny the other man’s statements, so Loren just stayed silent. And he was glad he did: Remi suddenly deflated, the anger pouring out of the alchemist, leaving concern in its place. Then the other man’s hand came up to cup the Launceleyn’s cheek, and though he knew it was wrong, that he shouldn’t accept it, he leaned into the touch slightly, turning his head almost imperceptibly to press his skin against the other man’s palm.

When Remi’s thumb moved, albeit barely, Loren felt his own hand come up to try and lay it on top of the other man’s. The summoner knew he didn’t deserve this and that staying like this would cause them more problems than it was probably worth just to bask in the comfort of the alchemist’s touch, but the Launceleyn did it anyway. He’d need the support for the conversation that they were about to have. ”Can you?” It came out without a hint of doubt or accusation, just a questioning tone, one mirrored in the look Loren gave Remi. The alchemist was married to one of the summoner’s former friends, and the two of them had a family together. So as much as both of them might want to believe there was a way forward from here, the summoner was still convinced the best approach was to remove himself from the picture.

Because it was much prettier without him mucking up the background.

And as for loving another, well, the issue wasn’t that Loren couldn’t love. He could. And that was the issue: he was terrified of what he’d do to someone he loved. After all, the only person he’d loved unconditionally was Remi, and the Launceleyn had been too cowardly to say it, and because of that weakness he’d destroyed something that might have been beautiful.

Surely it had to be better to keep his selfish and destructive desires to himself, whatever Remi might think.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

Colour flushed across the alchemist's cheek as Loren leaned into his hand, the flare of heat corresponding to the coral blush blooming somewhere low in his belly. Whatever space there might have been to have simply imagined that he had was erased as the summoner's palm slid against the back of his hand. Peering across into those Launceleyn-blues he was once again coming to know so well if only for all the long stares between them, Remi could feel himself sipping in an uncertain breath as his blush continued to bleed across his boyish features.

Feathers trickled farther down his spine making him shiver slightly, though he didn't retract his hand. The smile he offered the Launceleyn was quick and tentative, though not for the reasons the summoner might think. Remi felt his stomach clench slightly, and then the muscles of his arm, but his hand was steady on Loren's cheek. "Can I?" Remi repeated, his tone shockingly sweet compared to the growl it had been only moments before. "Loren.." He definitely didn't step closer, though he might have swayed slightly. "..I have the whole time."

From the moment the Launceleyn returned, in the way Remi pursued the stubborn ex-librarian into the street, how he'd shrugged off his numerous attempts to push the alchemist away, how he'd hugged the body that felt like it was made of stone and then sat in silence for days at the bottom of a pit just so Loren wouldn't be alone.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

I have the whole time.

Oh.

Suddenly the world tilted on its axis.

View through that lens, many of Remi’s actions since Loren’s return—the alchemist’s persistence, the way the other man had kept coaxing the Launceleyn to be honest and true and to dream and to want—took on a whole different meaning. It wasn’t just Remi’s optimism and faith in the inherent goodness in others that kept him coming back to the summoner, but something more. Something purer. Something stronger.

And Loren had already said he felt it too.

But even though they were both being fully honest and open (perhaps for the first time in the Launceleyn’s life and definitely for the first time since his return) it didn’t change much. They might love each other. Unfortunately, love only conquered all in fairy tales and romances, and their story was neither. No, this was a tragedy already, and it was headed towards the climax and conclusion of the tale.

”Oh.” It was too small a response to what Remi had just admitted, or maybe to what Loren had just understood, but he was still processing all the implications of what had just been said. As it hit him, though, he flushed a furious crimson. Gently, he tried to pull the other man’s hand from his cheek, though the summoner didn’t release it; instead, he’d actually try to interlace their fingers, keeping that link between them. While he didn’t want the alchemist to think the summoner was pulling away, the gesture, the hand on his cheek, had been too intimate in the wake of what had just been said.

Staring at Remi with heartbroken and hopeful eyes, Loren tried to come up with words that would express exactly what he was thinking and feeling at that moment. But all he kept coming back to reality. Still, he could let this moment linger for just a bit longer before he inevitably ruined it. ”I-I didn’t realize.” As if that hadn’t been obvious. "I'm sorry." For not noticing, for not preventing this, for what he would have to do next, the summoner couldn't say. But he was.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

The alchemist smiled softly at the colour and heat beneath his fingers. His expression had a cherub-like quality just then, one of unfettered innocence and self-sacrificial love; all green eyes and soft curls dotted with tawny feathers. Remi's brows came together, lashes fluttering with confusion as he felt Loren move his hand. Pulling his eyes away from the summoner's he followed the motion of their fingers only to find them softly interlaced. Feeling something hitch in his chest—not air, for he felt he couldn't draw a single breath in this moment—he merely parted in his lips in a boyishly naive O of surprise.

Softly Remi's fingers closed but did not tighten. It was more like a tug against the summoner's hand as his gaze once again rose to find the cool blue's of the Launceleyn. "You did not ask." The alchemist replied with a hint of a smile and a small shrug; not upset, moreso humbly amused that it had taken Loren this long and that Remi had needed to be so blunt about what he'd meant all along by unconditional.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Remi’s hand tightened on Loren’s and he found his own grip strengthening for a moment as well, before letting it slip into a comfortable hold. At the smile and the expression on the alchemist’s face, the summoner bit the inside of his cheek to avoid getting lost in the boyish innocence on display in the other man’s features. Because the Launceleyn knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that chances were they’d walk away from this heartbroken again.

”It...it n-never occurred to me that you would. After...after everything.” Because Loren had been expecting hate. Expecting anger. Expecting Remi to never want to see the summoner again after so callously playing with the alchemist’s heart.

The thought that the other man might love Loren was so far from what he’d been imagining that it had never even crossed his mind. And he felt his heart squeezed by the cruel sorrow of joy, to be so close to what he wanted and yet knew he couldn’t have.

Maybe it was selfish, to stand there, holding Remi’s hand, not speaking, not saying what the Launceleyn knew needed to be said. But after so long trying to pull away, he was finally willing to be led.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

"That is what unconditional means." The alchemist explained, though there was more to it than that. Perhaps at the beginning, only a few weeks ago really, it felt more like a strange obligation that the Remi of the past had made, and that the current Remi had to uphold. He didn't mind of course, but he'd only felt it in an intellectual sense. Now, that was no longer true.

Goosebumps trailed down from Remi's shoulder to his ribs, but not because he was cold. The alchemist could feel feathers trickling down his back like droplets of water; fine golden bits of fluff that made him shiver again. In Loren's grip the alchemist could feel his fingers twitch slightly, as if the weight of the moment that wasn't happening was something he could bear physically. But like the summoner, the alchemist wasn't entirely done with it. Not after they'd fought so hard to find them in what was likely to only be a temporary respite.

Swallowing slightly the alchemist again tugged on the summoner's hand, but it was he who took a small step forward. "Would you?" He whispered, the look on his face temporarily suggesting the words meant something else, before Remi made himself pull his eyes away to glance at the horror-show of gore and tattered skin on his shoulder and side.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Well, Remi could say that was what unconditional love meant, but Loren had only experienced it briefly before his disappearance, so hopefully the other man would forgive the summoner his ignorance. ”Oh.” Again, it wasn’t nearly enough, but at least this time his voice was filled with a kind of reverent awe at today’s revelations instead of any hint of darkness or sorrow.

As the alchemist took a step forward, the Launceleyn remained where he was. Even after Remi’s declaration of love, it didn’t cross Loren’s mind the other man might actually do anything more than hold hands or cuddle, so whatever look the other man gave the summoner before glancing towards the alchemist’s wounds was lost on the Launceleyn. Instead of responding verbally—because he hadn’t been doing all that well with words, today or in general or ever—Loren just nodded.

And then poured all the healing magic that had been waiting patiently for this very moment into the other man in a flood that surprised even the summoner, channeling it through their linked hands and sending it after all of Remi's hurts.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

Whatever Remi expected, it hadn't been what came next.

The prickles on his arm he had anticipated, the painful knitting together of flesh, the healing of the necrotic skin, the gluing back together of shredded blood vessels. But that wasn't what made the alchemist reach out with a moan of pain and fear, his fingers clutching at the collar of Loren's shirt as he stumbled forwards and into the other man, before sinking down to his knees. "Lo—r—n—" The alchemist cried out, his voice wavery with panic as he rounded in on himself, his bare chest against his crumpled legs, releasing his hold of the Launceleyn to press his palms against his eyes.

The etching and scratching on his arm and side was nothing compared to the needle points that flickered behind his eyes. It wasn't a roaring pain, more like a physical intolerance his body didn't know how to reconcile. Panic ruffled through him, and in turn so did feathers and wings. But his plumage was too large for the space, knocking over chairs and jars and other random things that were strewn about.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

The magic almost sang to Loren, but even that wasn’t enough to drown out the distressed sound that came from Remi. And even if it had, the way the other man pitched forwards and grabbed at the summoner’s shirt would’ve caught his attention; the Launceleyn’s eyes widened and he did his best to lower the alchemist to the ground gently as Loren’s name came out mangled through Remi’s lips.

Something was wrong. But...this was healing magic. Which meant, by definition, it could do no wrong. Still, he had to ask. ”Remi, tell me where it hurts.” Briefly, he considered halting the flow of magic, but he was sure in his abilities, so he had to assume this was an old injury that hadn’t healed properly. As the visible wounds knitted closed the summoner shifted so his hands were on the other man’s shoulders.

The alchemist curled up into a ball, though, hampering the Launceleyn’s efforts, though he’d keep gently prodding the other man to unfold. However, as Remi cupped his eyes, Loren’s own eyes widened again. Surely his magic couldn’t succeed where it had failed last time...

Then wings were flailing and Loren barely managed to duck out of the way and avoid getting smacked by them. ”Shhh. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.” The magic seemed to be pooling, flowing upwards, straight towards the alchemist’s face, which, if the Launceleyn's suspicions were correct, was a promising sign. So, where he might've given up in the past, instead he redoubled his efforts, sending every ounce of energy he dared into the other man's body. And his eyes.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

The alchemist moaned in response to the question. It might have been healing magic on the part of the summoner, but it was dark magic that had taken away Remi's sight and it wasn't going to be healed without a fight. Tears flowed unabashedly down the alchemist's cheeks as he grit his teeth against the pain. No warrior was he, no soul hardened against pain. Remi could hardly hear the words Loren was saying for the pounding of his own blood in his ears drowned out all rational thought and made it difficult for the alchemist to even really know where he was, or what was happening.

He had no wings, no body, no hands. Only a heartbeat the banged out a horrible rhythm to the blaring siren of pain behind his eyes. "L——R—N." He gasped breathlessly through a hiss of agony. Pitching forward, Remi's wings curled outwards, covering his arms and coming to rest somewhere around Loren's folded legs. The alchemist's balled-up fists fell upon summoner's thighs as he groaned loudly through clenched and grinding teeth. Feathers sprouted down his spine, his rib-cage seeming to have expanded grotesquely with the air the alchemist was keeping trapped in his lungs.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Although Loren hated to see Remi in pain (yes, this was an ironic echo of their earlier conversation), the summoner knew that sometimes it was necessary. More than the alchemist did. And as a healer, he knew that sometimes cures hurt before they got better. And best of all, the Launceleyn, despite his fragile looking exterior and his complete inability to deal with relationships, had never backed down from a fight he had convinced himself he could win.

He'd battle this for the both of them if he had to.

So as the other man’s wings curled around Loren’s legs, and the alchemists fists came to rest on the summoner’s thighs, Loren did not relent. He made soothing noises, trying to calm the other man's increasingly frantic movement, but even then the summoner was sinking deeper into his magic, deeper than he’d ever been before, to the very core of his soul.

Surprisingly, it was full of light.

Light that came gladly and willingly at his call, that he gathered into his mind before shoving it into his connection to Remi, pushed it through, forced it to fight against whatever resistance might be thrown against it; Loren pitted his will against that of the stubborn wound, and he would keep his spell going until he passed out or died. The sky blue glow of his magic intensified until it was nearly blinding, but the Launceleyn refused to avert his gaze from the alchemist. He needed a win, and he'd make one no matter what the cost.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

As Loren's magic intensified so too did the push back from what little magic of Arduinna was left in Remi's eyes, keeping the world from him. Oh the summoner would find it waning to be sure, but the fight was not yet over. Remi's wings jerked pitifully against the floor, his longer flight feathers sweeping at the dust and moving errant chairs about. Releasing a hot stream of breath which had been too long held in his lungs, the alchemist felt a wave of dizziness come over him that threatened to destroy the last shred of rationality he possessed. Extending his fingers he grabbed onto Loren's thighs; far away in the back of his mind he tried to remind himself not to let his nails turn into claws, but whether his body would listen—or could even hear him—through the downpour of pain he had no idea.

Sweat accumulated in the alchemist's curls and on his upper back as he writhed in the Launceleyn's lap. His heart was hammering far too fast and his muscles had started to shake in an effort to contain all that was within; a battle he was about to lose. Remi's crumpled legs became leonine, his pants melting away into a sea of golden fur and rippling muscle. Shifting beneath him, rather than collapsed as he had been, the alchemist was now in the strangest bastardization of a down-ward dog pose in his strange bastardized body. Feathers continued down his spine until only patches of skin were still showing, and on the Launceleyn's legs large paws replaced the fingers gripping the thin muscle.

The worst part of all perhaps, was not Remi's uncontrolled shifting, not the way his weight increased threatening to crush the summoner beneath him, was that as he finally raised his head, the strain clear all throughout his contorted muscles, the chords of his neck taut, was that his eyes had gone fully black.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!