From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
While the summoner still didn’t quite understand what the other man was describing, the Launceleyn was at least reassured that he hadn’t screwed up somehow. ”Oh. Okay, then.” He breathed out a sigh of relief, and nudged Remi back to let the other man know Loren understood enough.
However the joy from earlier was gone and he didn’t think he’d be able to recapture it.
Sighing—this time from emotions far, far away from relief—he swung himself around so he was facing the alchemist; subconsciously the Launceleyn slipped into a familiar cross-legged position, palms flat on his knees. Perhaps it had been the discussion of meditation earlier, or perhaps it was because some part of him knew that he’d need every ounce of calm he could get. Because the two of them hadn’t talked, not really. They danced around the issue, and each other, but now it seemed they were both willing and able to have an honest and tough conversation.
Or at least Loren was. Remi had probably been there to begin with.
The alchemist couldn't help but laugh at Loren's bland acknowledgement. Shivering for the umpteenth time, but only just now having the mental computing power to realize he could do something about it, the alchemist created a plain white shirt in his hands and tugged it over his head. His wings receded back strangely into his shoulder blades as he did this, though it had become so second nature to Remi now that he hardly noticed.
Tilting his head in an amusingly birdlike gesture, the alchemist turned unshattered-green eyes upon the summoner now seated across from him. "What, do I smell?" He asked with a boyish snort, raising a brow.
did it bend or did I break?
Coding base by Sky!
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
Although under most circumstances the summoner would’ve appreciated the other man’s attempt at a joke, the Launceleyn wasn’t feeling very humorous right now. At least Remi was clothed; Loren couldn’t imagine shirtlessness would make this situation any less awkward. Picking at the spot where he’d mended his skin and the alchemist had mended the Launceleyn’s clothes, he shook his head, maybe a little sadly. ”No. You know you don’t. I just thought it’d be easier to talk if we were face-to-face.” And some distance between them would help as well. Loren couldn’t imagine proximity would be good for either of them during the upcoming conversation, though he already missed the other man’s touch.
"Considering I sleep alone now, create new clothes instead of washing mine, and just had a fit in your lap while you healed me, I would not be surprised if I did and simply did not realize it." The alchemist replied with an easy and unembarrassed shrug.
At the mention they needed to talk however, Remi could feel his cheeks flush slightly as he said up a bit straighter. Even so, his expression was as gentle as ever, or at least, as it normally was. His outburst earlier had been fairly out of character and if Loren was right, hopefully having let some of it out would help keep him calm. "Alright?"
did it bend or did I break?
Coding base by Sky!
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
No Remi did not smell. Surely the Attuned, with his many animal forms, would have noticed before Loren did if that had actually been the case. However, again, the Launceleyn didn’t respond to those comments (though he felt a pang at the thought of the alchemist alone in the bed he was supposed to be sharing with his blighted husband). Instead, the summoner just searched the other man’s eyes and face for any sign of distress. The last thing Loren wanted to do was upset Remi.
Perhaps that’s why the Launceleyn’s voice came out as gently and as understanding as it did. ”You said you loved me. And I said I loved you.” It sounded simple. But it was very, very complicated indeed, and the summoner could see very few ways out of this, and none that would make everyone happy.
And as always, he’d put the happiness of others above his own.
Clumsily almost, Remi let his legs fold as Loren's were, either consciously or subconsciously mirroring the other man's posture. All the alchemist felt was that with his legs against his chest as they were he felt he might seem far more closed off than he was. Difficult conversations were not the sort of thing the alchemist normally shied away from, mostly because unlike Loren, he'd never once struggled between honesty and wanting to protect someone else emotionally.
"Yes." He agreed, his stare clear and unwavering. "Do you...regret it?"
did it bend or did I break?
Coding base by Sky!
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
Loren’s response was immediate and forceful, though still containing that kind undertone. ”No. Of course not. But…” The Launceleyn bit his lip, summoning up the courage to say what needed to be said, because he was pretty sure Remi would just let everything go on, naively hoping it would all somehow work itself out. Unfortunately, this summoning didn’t come as easily to the Launceleyn as his magic did. ”You’re married. To my friend.” Ronin was Loren’s friend even if the king understandably wanted nothing to do with the Launceleyn. That was how most of the summoner’s friendships worked, so he was used to it, and accepted it. ”And I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.”
"Yes." The alchemist agreed again, the corners of his eyes crinkling as a small smile passed over his lips. He was indeed married. For how much longer he had no idea, but Remi wouldn't speculate about the who's and the whens of his future until such things came to pass. He nodded at Loren's final words, wondering idly why the summoner felt the need to distance himself from the alchemist to have this conversation. Unless he thought the way he'd been behaving up until this point had indeed been jeopardizing it.
"Before coming here, I never thought about how my life could have been different." The alchemist said softly, leaning forward to interlace his fingers together in his lap. "Everything that happened was simply how it was. I never speculated about how it might have been different, or what I would have been like had things been changed in big or small ways." The smile on his lips grew sad, though Remi had an uncanny ability to make even the saddest of expressions somehow still appear beatific and boyish in their sincerity. "And then..." Pulling in a breath, he let it out with a soft shrug, his eyes alighting upon Loren's blue stare. "..there was this. You. Others as well." Ronin, Ianto. Sam. "..and I did. I did think about how my life might have been. Who it might have been with." Swallowing, it was hard for Remi to know whether or not Loren understood what he was trying to say or not. He probably didn't, since so much of what the alchemist said and the way he seemed to say it had little effect on the Launceleyn. And so, Remi tried to perhaps be a bit more blunt if he could. "I told you before that love did not always mean being together. And you are right. I am married to Ronin, and I do love him an impossible amount, the blighted monster that he is." Remi's smile grew crooked as he shook his head, subconsciously reaching to rub at the wound Loren had healed.
Flicking his eyes back to Loren's, the alchemist raised his brows softly, questioningly.
did it bend or did I break?
Coding base by Sky!
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
Loren understood, for once. Maybe not all of it. But enough. Of course, he’d understood this much from the beginning. Oh, not how Remi felt about it, obviously: that had been a mystery that took far too long to penetrate the Launceleyn’s thick skull. However, he’d known where this road would inevitably lead. Briefly, he considered apologizing, but he bit back the words.
It was a little too late for apologies, and he didn’t think the alchemist wanted to hear them. Besides, the summoner didn't even know what he'd be apologizing for.
”So.” Once more the summoner’s eyes welled with tears, though he refused to let them fall. ”You’ve grown. I’m glad. Really. Glad that you found out you could change. Glad you found out what you were capable of. Glad you found love.” He took a deep shuddering breath. ”But I don’t see a place for me in your life. And that's okay, Remi.” It wasn’t an accusation, and his voice was upset, but not cruel, not mad, not anything more than a quiet acceptance.
"I would not say that I have grown.." The alchemist said with a bashful chuckle, wanting to wave away the compliment before noticing the tears in Loren's eyes. "Hey.." Remi whispered immediately, untucking his heels to pull himself across the small gap that Loren had placed between them.
"Loren—" Foolishly naive or stupidly too caring, Remi truly didn't understand this sudden halt in what felt like proper progress. Reaching out a hand, he held it palm up above Loren's crossed ankles. "—why?" Holding his breath the alchemist merely frowned with a sort of affectionate and caring confusion.
did it bend or did I break?
Coding base by Sky!
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
09-19-2019, 09:32 PM (This post was last modified: 09-20-2019, 02:17 AM by Loren.)
LOREN
Remi might not say it, but he’d grown. And not just physically and mentally and magically (though he had in all those areas and more). More fundamentally, the freedom he’d found in Caido let him become the joyous and brilliant person he had always been inside. Now everyone could see it. See what Loren had known all along.
Ah, regret. It tasted bittersweet, and the Launceleyn could live with it. He'd certainly spent his whole life with nothing but regrets, or at least that's what it often felt like. As the other man came closer and reached out, the summoner laid his own palm atop Remi’s. ”Because we’re not the only two whose feelings matter.”
The alchemist thought for sure his hand would be left empty, which was why it was so jarring to feel both the warmth of Loren's hand along with the soul-shiver of cold Remi felt hearing his words. Releasing the breath he'd been holding in a confused and disbelieving sort of half-laugh, Remi shook his head.
"Okay..sure.." Remi tugged on Loren's hand to try and get the summoner to look back at him, agreeing clumsily with his words if not with his expression. "..but...it.." Gods, words were hard, and the frustration and tension Remi felt at not knowing how to properly expression what he wanted to made his fingers clench slightly. "..the feelings do not just..go away. I think we have proved that. So...why not just..be..." Friends was absolutely not the right word, but the alchemist could think of little else to say.
"You just came back, Loren.." Remi said in a low voice, his thumb stoking softly across the summoner's palm. "..and after all this, I am just meant to...pretend you are not there?"
did it bend or did I break?
Coding base by Sky!
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
It wasn’t like this would be the first time they’d loved and lost. Or even the second or third: they both had lost more than most, which made this both easier and harder than anything they’d ever done before. As Remi tugged the summoner’s hand, Loren looked up, unresisting. The tears were still there, though they’d been joined by a wistful smile. However, the Launceleyn’s blue eyes met the alchemist’s green ones with an unwavering gaze, a gentle light flickering in their azure depths. Loren didn’t look away even when Remi’s fingers tightened uncomfortably hard. The summoner just gave the alchemist a much gentler squeeze.
The very fact that the other man couldn’t come with a single word to describe what they could be together, for one another, illustrated the situation far more succinctly than anything Loren might say. So as the alchemist stroked the summoner’s palm, he reached out with his other hand to cup Remi’s hand between the Launceleyn’s. ”No. You’re supposed to let me be the bad guy one last time.” His voice came out in a kind whisper. It was the best, the only course of action left to them.
Loren would leave. Again. But as long as Remi knew the truth, it wouldn’t hurt as badly. Or at least it wouldn’t hurt in the same way. That’s all they could ask for.
"No." Remi said immediately, shaking his head with a befuddled sort of disbelief. "No." He repeated, his cheeks flushing, heart thumping uncomfortably in his chest. Words and thoughts formed on his lips but nothing came out other than inarticulate sounds of confusion and heartache.
Still shaking his head, Remi stared at Loren with a bewildered gaze. "No...I...won't." The alchemist's lips hesitantly smiled, as if that would be enough to change the summoner's mind.
did it bend or did I break?
Coding base by Sky!
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
