I'm with you even if it makes me blue

LOREN

He’d been expecting the alchemist’s response, so Loren just squeezed the other man’s hand, knowing they didn’t really have a choice in the matter. Remi’s smile broke the Launceleyn’s heart anew, but it wasn’t enough to deter him.  ”I know. Which is why I will.” It was his last, final gift to the other man.

Call it a belated wedding present.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

No. This was...it all felt surreal. This was the same conversation they'd had, but somehow it wasn't. Somehow it felt more final, and the alchemist found himself rushing away from it as one might the waves on the beach.

"I won't let you. How many times have you tried to push me away before?" The lightness in Remi's tone only belied the frenzy he was feeling internally. He grabbed onto Loren's wrist now as if physical strength alone would be enough to keep the Launceleyn in his life. "Do not do this, Loren. We just can just be." This time Remi didn't search for a word, he simply left it unknown, because at least that was something.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Gods, why the other man was making this harder than it had to be the summoner couldn’t say. But he drew upon that same core he’d used while healing Remi. That same strength that terrified and exhilarated Loren at the same time. The same backbone that had always let him do what needed to be done, when he’d finally, actually convinced himself he was at the end of the line and out of options.

At least it allowed the Launceleyn to avoid falling completely apart. A few tears leaked out, but as the alchemist yanked Loren’s arm forward he kept his gaze and voice steady. ”I wish we could. I want that too. But we can’t.” Because, again, there were other wants and needs and desires that trumped what they might feel for one another.

He just hoped he didn’t have to go through the painful process of explaining that all to the other man. Surely that wasn’t too much to ask, after everything Loren had already been through.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

"Why? How is being in my life going to be any better than not? This world is not so big. Not with the storms and such, you cannot just...avoid me." He couldn't, right? Wouldn't? Remi searched Loren's gaze, finding that it once again was verging on shallow and distant, and hating the absolute clarity with which he could see it all now.

"So...we are back to this then. What you said when you first came in about not wanting this." Remi asked, unblinking.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Alright, fine, it seemed that Loren was going to have to be the bad guy in truth as well as in name. Sighing, he released Remi’s hand and rubbed his suddenly wet cheeks. ”I don’t want to go.” It came out in a heartbroken sob as the summoner lost his careful balancing act and his tenuous grip on his emotions. ”But...tell me, Remi. How would Ronin react, even if we were just friends?” Not well, the Launceleyn knew that. He just didn’t know if the alchemist did.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

Then don't sprang suddenly to the alchemist's lips, but he refrained from saying anything more as Loren went on. "He...just said to be careful around you. Because of what happened before." Remi said with a slight shake of his head, suddenly unsure what he was meant to do with his hands, or his...anything, really.

"I can..be friends with who I want. One of the men I dated is living in the guild hall right now." The alchemist added. "Ianto and I..he..." Okay, that was harder to explain. He didn't quite know how to say well he comes around and we're quite close again and when I pass out he occasionally cleans my house. "..I mean, it is fine."

It was all difficult and sometimes painful, especially with Ianto. But still, it was better than their absences in the alchemist's life.

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

Hope flickered in the Launceleyn’s chest.

And then he crushed it before it could grow.

Because maybe Ronin had said that to Remi, that Loren and the alchemist could be friends. But the king couldn’t possibly know what Loren and Remi did. What they'd said to one another. So even as the alchemist spoke reassuringly about Ronin’s easy acceptance of Remi’s ex-lovers, how the king wasn’t bothered in the slightest the summoner refused to allow himself to believe it would be that easy. ”Does Ronin know everything?” The Launceleyn couldn’t bring himself to say ‘That I love you and you love me,’ so he looked down instead.

”Do you still love them?” That had to be close enough for the other man to understand.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

Puzzlement spread across Remi's features for a moment, but as Loren looked down the alchemist realized what it was that had gone unsaid, especially given the follow up comment.

Closing his eyes for a moment, hating to relive all that had happened, he thought...perhaps it the only way for Loren to understand. Did Ronin know? Well, Ronin knew Remi, and part of knowing Remi was knowing what had transpired the last year.

"Sam...I do not know if I loved him. During LongNight is when my memories were taken. Given that Ludo took them of you, Ianto, and Sam I ... suppose I did. Yet my memories of Ronin remained, so..take that as you will. Sam and I were together for a few months before it happened, and once it did he...tried, for a time. And then.." Remi bit the inside of his lip hard, snarling slightly at the pain as he looked up at some vague point on the ceiling feeling the familiar stab of abandonment and pain flaring up beneath his skin. "..he decided it was too much work, to love me and have me not remember. He called it..educational, but not worth the effort. Or something like that anyways. It was in a note, and when I finally did find him, he had gone to the Voice to have all his memories of me erased as well."

And Ianto?

"I was only with him for a while. I had been living with Ronin the entire time, and..it...ah..." The alchemist hadn't cheated, not entirely. Though by his standards it was plenty dishonest, officially together or no. "Ianto did not speak to me for weeks after that. He left me blind in the forest to walk home one day, actually." Remi laughed dryly, hating everything about this conversation. Smiling sadly to himself, he released his hold of the summoner to lean back, wrapping his arms around himself.

"Ronin knows me. Knows that I would not lie to him. That I promised to be with him alone, but I never promised to only love him, just as he never promised to only love me."

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

It was horrifying, what a tragedy Loren and the gods had made of Remi’s beautiful and loving soul and heart and the summoner had to screw his eyes shut when the other man finally finished speaking. ”I’m sorry.” It came out as little more than a breath, and when the Launceleyn finally opened his eyes, they were filled with an undeniable sorrow. ”You should never have gone through any of that.” Because Loren should’ve been there from the start.

But at least Ronin and Remi had found each other in the end, so some good had come out of all the pain. If only Loren believed any good could come out of his own sorrow and heartbreak.

As the other man released the Launceleyn he found himself reaching out himself, his hand simply hovering over the alchemist’s knee, as if begging for permission. Still, the summoner didn’t quite close the distance. He didn’t dare. ”It’s not that simple, Remi. Ronin knows you. But...he deserves to know how you feel about me, and how I feel about you. Because it’s one thing to know that you might love someone else in abstract. It’s another thing entirely to know there’s another person, especially one you were involved with in the past.” Surely Remi could understand that much. ”And unless and until he is okay with all this, I don’t want to put either of you in an uncomfortable position.” Loren didn’t deserve happiness at the expense of making problems in the two men’s marriage. He didn't want that, and wouldn't accept it. Which is why he was planning to leave Remi, at least for a time, until the king and the alchemist had discussed this.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

For once perhaps, the alchemist didn't correct the summoner. Didn't say his apology wasn't unwarranted. Not that Remi had ever wanted or even dreamed of having any sort of idealic relationship, but, once upon a time had the world worked out differently, the only man he'd have been with would also have been the only one he loved. That in some other possible world, one not too far away, Loren hadn't left, Remi and Ianto had stayed the best of friends, and Ronin? Well, maybe Ronin would still be with Vanya.

Humming quietly and smiling for just a moment, Remi simply nodded, mute and cold beneath the fractured lives he might have led.

With watery green eyes the alchemist simply looked at the Launceleyn's hand feeling his throat grow tight. How could Loren still try to comfort him, when ultimately what he wanted was to leave this room and not be followed? Not be sought after or spoken to by Remi again?

"Look at me." He said after a moment, resisting the urge to grab at Loren's hand and force him close, to force him into focus. "Do you even want him to know? To be alright with this? Or are you just looking for something that I cannot argue with, so that you can..." Remi's jaw tightened and he had to breathe in through his nose if he was to breathe at all. "...just be done with me. Because it is all you have tried to do from the start. Are you just wanting someone else to tell me no, this time?"

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

As Remi accused Loren of just looking for an excuse, he sent an incredibly hurt expression at the alchemist. The other man had asked the summoner to look, so he did, and his gaze was heartbroken. ”Of course I want him to know. I need him to be okay with this. How can you ask me that?” The Launceleyn’s voice came out in a pained rush as he stared at the other man with injured and broken eyes. ”He was my friend, Remi. And I’m still his. I knew him before I knew you. He was…” The summoner swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat as memories and emotions cascaded over him. ”He was the first person to show me any real kindness. To teach me that touch could be gentle and not just cruel. To bother getting to know me, the real me, to actually want to get to know me.” Indeed, Ronin had been Loren’s first in pretty much every sense of the world.

”So I cannot stand the thought of hurting him any more than I can stand the thought of hurting you.” He pleaded with his eyes, his face, his posture, begged Remi to understand. ”I want him to say yes, Remi. But...he needs to say it.” Loren, at least, wasn’t capable of assuming the king would be fine with this, of relying upon Ronin to show the Launceleyn any more kindness. He'd already received far more than he'd ever hoped for or deserved.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

"Because if it was really about Ronin, then why...all the other things? Why have not just said that to start?" Remi replied softly, wincing at the hurt in Loren's eyes but unwavering in his honesty. Listening, the alchemist found himself growing both more sure and uncertain as Loren spoke. Not because he didn't believe him, but because it pained him to know the friendship that had been once between Loren and Ronin that no longer was. Or at least, currently no longer was. The alchemist had meant it when he'd said that visiting Ronin while he was blighted, especially the way Loren had, was precisely the wrong way to go about things. He was confident things would turn around, if only Ronin would return from the woods.

Biting the inside of his lip and pulling in a breath, the alchemist reached forward having seemingly decided something in the moments that stretched between the two men. If he could, Remi would let his thumb graze slowly against Loren's cheek as he leaned forward. Whatever awkward boy the Launceleyn had once been with (presumably anyways, for few could really confirm those details), the summoner would find the man before him anything but unsure in this. With eyes soft but vibrant, hands warm and sure, he gave Loren small crooked smile as he pulled in a shallow breath. "Loren.." He whispered, leaning ever more forward, coral streaking unchecked across his cheeks as his fingers curled to cup around the summoner's jaw. "..kiss me."

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!

LOREN

”Because it wasn’t just about Ronin!” The Launceleyn’s voice came out a bit more desperate than he’d intended it to, but he had to make the alchemist understand. ”I genuinely thought that my presence in your life would be painful. And I didn’t trust myself not to hurt you again.” That was all true. However, that didn’t make what the summoner had said about the king any less true either. ”But his feelings about this matter more than mine do.” Surely Remi had to understand that.

As the other man’s hand came up to cup Loren’s cheek, he hesitated, but leaned into it slightly. It was something they’d done already, and though he knew it was probably wrong to accept it, he let himself stay like that as Remi leaned in, green eyes growing closer and closer and the Launceleyn’s name falling from the alchemist’s lips. And then…

Kiss me.

Loren jerked away from the other man’s touch, eyes wide and full of horror. ”What? No!”’ The summoner scrambled backwards, ignoring the discomfort as he trampled the objects Remi had knocked down during the healing. ”Are you fucking kidding me?” There was real, genuine anger and hurt in the Launceleyn’s voice. ”I just told you that I didn’t want to hurt Ronin, do anything to jeopardize your marriage. And then...then you ask me to, to…” He couldn’t even bring himself to say the words.

Kiss me.

But don’t be weary if it’s broken

Families are like that—

they’re split up and always torn.

REMI

all the things we said when we were younger

As the summoner scrambled away, the alchemist merely remained where he was looked softly pleased, if not entirely relieved. Remi's heart was hammering so loudly he was almost sure that Loren could hear it—and far away in the woods somewhere, he'd be shocked if the blighted king wasn't at least a little distracted by it—but it grew somehow instantly calmer the more upset Loren became.

"No, I was not kidding, but I would not have let you do it." The alchemist said, scrubbing his hands up the sides of his cheeks, as he leaned fully back against the workbench, more than happy to given the Launceleyn whatever space he needed to process this. It was why his hand had been on the man's cheek after all, to stop him if indeed he had the audacity to take the alchemist up on his offer.

"He will ask how I know." Remi explained, the colour of panic fading from his cheeks. Loren would need more explanation than that, but for now, the alchemist still needed to try and catch his breath. "Ronin. If I say that regardless of our history, that you would not jeopardize your friendship with him for me, despite whatever you feel, he will ask how I know that is true." Raising his brows slightly as if to indicate what had just happened, Remi released a post-adrenaline spiked breath. "What better way to know than asking you to kiss me here? Where no one would know."

Pulling his knees up to his chest, Remi let his head lean back against the counter, suddenly feeling very tired. "You said you wanted to be the bad guy one last time Loren, but you weren't."

did it bend or did I break?

Coding base by Sky!