shut the door & cut me open

The alchemist's smile grew and grew, his heart bouncing in his chest and in erratic pulses on his husband's finger as he waited with baited breath for Ronin to realize. Grinning brightly, Remi shook his head with a breathless sort of laugh that left a white cloud floating between the two of them for a moment. "No..it was...well, it was Loren of all people. I do not know how he did it. He tried before and it did not work, but this time?"

Sunny smiles aside, the alchemist searched his husband's face with a wary sort of optimism. Last time he'd mentioned the summoner and healing it had been met with immediate dismissal. Hostility, even. But Ronin had been blighted then, and this was the first time they'd be speaking of the returned-Launceleyn without the blight lingering over them.

I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finally

Coding base by Sky!

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving Remi's smile was contagious, and even as Ronin took up the shovel again to keep digging, a buoyant joy was rising in his chest. They'd be home soon enough, and he was keen to show Remi everything he'd done to clean up the guildhall now that he was properly able to appreciate it. The mention of the Launceleyn was like an icy bucket of water, however; Ronin's hands grew a touch tighter on the shovel, and his smile disappeared beneath his scarf. "Ah," he said. "That's... really good. I wasn't aware that he'd come to see you." In fact he recalled thinking that if Loren hurt Remi, Ronin would kill him with his bare hands. Huh. "Perhaps his magic has gotten stronger. We'll have to get him something, to say thank you."

"I...am not so sure he wants my thanks right now." The alchemist said, crinkling his nose slightly with the discomfort he felt. Whatever he'd been thinking at the time had apparently been the wrong, as evidenced by the Launceleyn storming out. Then again, it wasn't as though navigating these types of waters was the sort of thing the alchemist was at all versed in.

"He...well..." Pulling in another breath, the alchemist regarded his husband with bright and clear eyes, wishing to do absolutely nothing else other than have a hot shower and tell Ronin how impossibly handsome he now looked. Instead though, he ruffled a hand through his hair. "While you were still away, we went to the fae village so show them what he could do. Long story short I suppose, he was thrown into one of their pits. We...talked about a few things and..he said he loved me. Or—" Holding up a hand immediately, feathers appearing in the midst of his curls to indicate how flustered he was, Remi shook his head. "Not like that. He did not say it like that. He was only telling me how he felt about...being back, I suppose." Remi clarified quickly.

Shivering as snowflakes accumulated in his curls, the alchemist glanced towards the door of the guildhall. "So we tried to talk it out today, when he came by."

I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finally

Coding base by Sky!

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving Good, Ronin thought privately regarding the Launceleyn's thanks, still not so sure how he felt about the librarian's glorious return. He had been blighted in the only meetings he'd had with the man, and even then he had been primed and ready to have to murder the fuck out of have a few very stern words about boundaries when it came to Remi. As much as the alchemist had meant to the Launceleyn - if, indeed, he had meant anything at all - a lot had happened since he had disappeared. An infinity had passed, or so it felt. But it appeared he was very, very much too late to the party. A mirthless smile flickered across his face as he reached the guildhall door, leaning the shovel up against it. While you were away was a sweet but inaccurate way of saying while you were fucking crazy and sleeping in an animal carcass in the woods. "I see," he said, at hearing they had been to the Sidhe Village together. "So you two have been meeting regularly, then?" he asked, clicking open the doors. Only to slam them shut again abruptly at hearing that the Launceleyn's admission of love had come around so soon after. "What?" he half whispered, swallowing down a very hot and bitter sensation in his throat. "How does one say I love you not like that?" he asked, glancing back at the alchemist with sudden tension and a mire of unknown for what he was going to do with the information. "And how did that visit go? It got you your sight back, evidently."

The alchemist could hear the tone in his husband's voice, but didn't necessarily know what to do or think about it. Indeed, the pair didn't fight. The one or so they'd ever had had resolved itself rather quickly, and so while Remi was versed in a great many things when it came to Ronin, his anger was not necessarily one of them.

Flinching at the slam of the door, Remi pulled in a sharp breath wanting to wrap his arms around the king, but worrying that it would seem as if he was trying to evade what was surely about to become a rather uncomfortable conversation. Shrugging out of his jacket, the alchemist slowly shook his head. "I ... do not know how to describe it. He was not..it was not as if.." Clenching his teeth together wondering how in the world he'd made it this far with such an inability to be articulate, he let out his frustrations in a long sigh before turning to Ronin.

"At first he said he did not want to talk to me or see me. Then he came by asking for help with the magical doors I put in place at the manor and he said he would...try to be my friend. To be honest about things. And then on the way to the village I was upset about you being gone and how long you had left and I did not understand why sometimes he acted like he cared and other times he told me to leave. He was just explaining that...not..you know."

As for how the morning went?

"Well. He ignored me after what happened in the pit, until he came this morning for amulets to help with LongNight. And it...it got really messy. Before he stormed out he told me not to come looking for him."

I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finally

Coding base by Sky!

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving Having to take a few measured, deep breaths himself, Ronin eventually opened the guildhall doors again so they could go inside. Holding them open for Remi and clicking them shut once the alchemist had come in as well, the guildmaster listened. He listened hard, and carefully, squashing down his questions until he was aware of all the information. Regrettably he could only be made aware of it if Remi told him. "It's not surprising," he said in the end, "to find out that he was still in love with you. I mean, it was obvious." He shrugged. Didn't mean he had to be even remotely happy about it though. And that Loren had flip-flopped over whether he wanted to see Remi or not? Story of the librarian's life, as far as Ronin remembered. And there was something unashamedly gratifying at hearing the Launceleyn had stormed away, Ronin letting out a long breath of relief - he obviously assumed that Remi had sent him packing after Loren had overstepped. "Then I suppose a thank you card will have to suffice," he said quietly, still churning over whatever had transpired between them; the lines crossed, the past dragged into a present that had no time for it.

"Not to me." Remi said in a low voice, teeth clenching as he looked at the floor, his jaw feathering unhappily. It had once mattered so much to the alchemist to know for sure, whether the summoner had or hadn't. Whether Remi was just a strange and boring conquest. Now though? For all the pain it had caused, and was likely still to cause? Maybe ignorance would have been bliss.

"You are the artist, so I will leave that to you." Remi said, falling far too easily into their banter before stiffening slightly. "I think I may have done something incredibly stupid, though. At the time I thought.." Stopping his rambling, Remi moved to stand before his husband, holding out his hands for the king to take. No doubt the next words out of Ronin's mouth would of course be what did you do, or some variation thereof, so the alchemist merely continued on.

"Let..me say this before you react. Please." Never before had the alchemist had to plead with his husband, but the rising anxiety that trickled feathers down his spine and through his curls was Remi's heart's way of telling him that he'd made a grave error in judgement, even if his mind hadn't quite caught up yet.

"I love you. Forever. No matter what, unconditionally. If my memories of you were even taken.." Letting his un-shattered gaze rise to the ceiling, Remi smiled uncomfortably and shook his head. "I would still love you. Somehow. I would. " Biting hard on the inside of his lip, he let his eyes fall back down to Ronin's wanting to drown in the staggering blue depths he saw there. Though as a solace or a punishment, he didn't know. "I ... love him that way." Remi continued, heat blazing across his cheeks, his fingers trembling slightly but hopefully held in his husband's grip. "I am not in love with him by any means. If anything, all this time together especially while you have been away has shown that." Swallowing hard, Remi so badly wanted this to be done. The conversation to be over. But it wasn't. There was the last bit of information he needed to relay. "That was what Loren said made it impossible to be friends. And I...I suppose with how everything is gone, I just did not see it. I am with you, and you are the only one that I want. And so..I..."

Okay. Now, standing before Ronin, tears forming in his eyes, he did understand just what a stupid thing he'd done.

"I..told him to kiss me. Not that I would have let him." He added in a rush. "Not that I wanted him to. If only to prove that he wouldn't, and I wouldn't, and it would be..." fine?

I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finally

Coding base by Sky!

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving "Sorry. Of course not for you - that was harsh of me," Ronin murmured, rubbing at the back of his head and letting out a soft sigh, though he couldn't help but snort at the idea that his artistry was needed for a thank you card. Surely a thanks on a bit of paper would suffice? Another matter for another time. As he was stopped from proceeding into the guildhall, his hands captured by Remi's, the alchemist was indeed spot-on in his assumption. Ronin's question died on his tongue before he had a chance to even say it, the hunter swallowing hard, a puzzled and unhappy frown on his face as he listened to his husband. Every word, every reaction, every feather sprouted... it all screamed but. He loved him forever, but. And then the hammer came down, shattering into every anxiety, every ounce of wary anger, every bit of righteous indignance he'd felt at Loren swaggering into their lives again like it was nothing. Shattering into it so hard, so effectively, that it splintered into pieces that cut and sliced and punctured into Ronin. He'd expected it. Why hadn't he expected it? Because he'd never thought it would be Remi to instigate things, a voice whispered deep inside. Remi loved Loren, but was not in love with Loren. Loren loved Remi, and probably was in love with Remi. They had spent time together whilst he had been 'away'. All that time together. Remi had told Loren to kiss him, even though he didn't want him to. To prove that he wouldn't do it. Ex-lover Sam and Nate lived in their basement. Remi didn't see a problem loaning his power to Ascended - in fact, the loan trumped the (orgasm-inducing) method. And Ianto... who even fucking knew about Ianto. Ronin's hands slipped from his husband's, his breath escaping in a long, slow whoosh that he didn't know he'd been holding in. He seemed to shrink before Remi, tucking his fingers into his coat pockets. "Okay," he said, sounding strangely broken and defeated. He didn't know if there was anger in him now - or if the lack of it was just proof of this weird new acceptance at knowing he would let Remi get away with pretty much anything. King doormat - a new and humiliating title. "Okay," he repeated. "What next?"

The seconds stretched on. Too long, and though Remi couldn't move or breathe or even dare to think, simultaneously he was screaming inside. And so as Ronin pulled his hands away, a gesture that seemed to cut right to the quick of the alchemist's worries, the word next said struck out a discordant resonance deep within his bones.

"Okay?" Remi repeated, lips, heart, and mind numb. His hands were still raised where they'd held Ronin's; impossibly pathetic and needy. "N-next?"

Maybe it was because of the fact that Ronin hadn't been Ronin for months. That all he'd had of his husband were flashes in the dark. And then, lately, Loren had done precisely the same as well. Moments of clarity and ease followed by being swiftly shut down and shoved out. "Hey, no. Talk to me." Reaching forward, his hands sliding around the king's waist even as his hands snugly sank into his pockets, the alchemist tried to jostle something out of the hunter. "I...it was wrong. I was wrong. I.." His fingertips pulsed anxiously against the guildmaster as Remi pulled in a breath. "You told me once I could make up my own mind about things. Decisions that other people have been making their whole lives. A year ago I had never even really been in a relationship before. Not a realy one, and—"

Like oil and water, the frustration of not being able to communicate what he was feeling slicked away from the genuine sorrow he felt, the regret and remorse over what he'd done and the way it was impacted his partner. Remi didn't have the words to say he was a naive and broken idiot who thought he could simply have his cake and eat it too. He hadn't known before that there was a choice to be made, a line in the sand, or sides. He didn't know now. But if there were, he new exactly where he wanted to be. "—Ronin please. I am so sorry. I ... "

If he could, he'd slip his hands away from the king's waist to cup his cheeks, drawing his eyes up if he could. "Please. You are all that I want." Tears trickled down his cheeks, as, for the first time, he realized the magnitude of what he'd done and what he stood to lose.

I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finally

Coding base by Sky!

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving The wind had been thoroughly blown out of Ronin's sails. His fingers and toes and his lips felt numb, and there was a tight, hot feeling in his upper chest that felt like a hand clenching around his heart. Remi's arms moved around him and the guildmaster was utterly compliant - what else was there to be, in the face of this? Ronin already knew that he was weak, that he didn't have the strength to leave the best thing he had ever found, so he was caught in whatever crossfire Remi unintentionally sent his way. "There's not really anything to say, is there? It's done now," he said softly. "Then perhaps we ought to have left it longer before we got married, so you could understand what it was to be with someone," he ventured, not remotely implying that he regretted it, but similarly finding it hard to believe that for all of the acts Remi had ever put on, realising that one did not offer oneself out for kisses and bites when one was in a relationship was not on the radar. Frowning a touch at the hands that came to touch his cheeks, Ronin glanced up with tired blue eyes, his gaze soft and sad and accepting. "You have me," he said with a shrug. "I'm here, I forgive you. Let's just... do something else, please."

"Wh—" The air was sucked out of the alchemist's lungs at that, the world dancing and sparkling as the oxygen in his brain rushed to gods knew where. "—no, I—" It certainly sounded like Ronin regretted it. Everyone had said it was fast but...if you knew it was going to be forever, why wait? Why...did things have to be perfectly sorted, first?

Unless of course it was because you ended up not liking what you agreed to.

"I just meant...all the mistakes others made when they were younger and stakes were lower..I...never did." Remi's voice was shaky and uncertain now; the calmer Ronin seemed to be the stormy the seas around him felt. Then again, there really were no youthful benchmarks for what to do when you were in a relationship, but orgasmic bites to steal your power might turn the tides in a KQ or during LongNight.

You have me, but Ronin had never felt farther.
I'm here, yet he frowned at Remi's touch.
I forgive you, but the alchemist had never felt worse.

The alchemist wasn't able to say anything more for the tremble in his lips and the tears welling in his eyes. "Anything." He tried to response, though it was nothing more than his lips warbling around the shape of the word.  He knew, in the pity of his stomach that sudden felt very cold and deep and lonely, that the night would consist simply of empty stares, uncomfortable silences, and hostile imaginings on both their parts.

Snuffling and wiping his eyes hastily against the cuffs of his shirt, Remi went towards the kitchen to make some tea. As soon as his back was turned he let his face contort into the shattered sob he'd been holding back, clenching his teeth together to keep silent.

I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finally

Coding base by Sky!

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving Ronin's gaze dropped to the ground as Remi spoke, the hunter finding a thoroughly interesting spot to stare at. He sighed, the tension seeming to drain from him, leaving him nothing but empty and quietly sad. "I know," he said of Remi's past. "So just... let's consider this one of those mistakes, okay?" Because if Ronin wasn't going to do anything remotely sane about the stack of issues piling against the door of their relationship, he may as well be productive. Then the alchemist turned away to leave and Ronin was left standing aimlessly in the doorway of the guild, fists clenching and unclenching like he didn't know what to do with himself. He could feel Remi's upset in the quiet and muffled sobs, in the frenetic pulse of the ring against his fingers, and the hunter caved in on himself again. Later, when he found himself drinking alone at the kitchen table, he would allow himself to feel something about all of this. Now, however, it was obvious that whatever Remi had or hadn't done, he knew he had made a mistake, and he was sorry for it. What good did further punishment do? "Hey," he muttered softly, making his feet move to cross the distance between them. "Remi, don't beat yourself up about it..." Gentle hands would try to guide his husband back around, that Ronin might pull him close and take his pain away.

"Don't...beat..myself...up..?" Remi tried to say despite the best attempts of his diaphragm to completely suck the air from his mouth. "Ronin—!" Never before had the alchemist said his partner's name with such an overwhelming amount of sorrow and remorse that it hardly sounded like Ronin at all. Feathers appeared en masse, overtaking his curls in number as the alchemist turned his bright sea-glass stare towards the ceiling as if the answers were simply just up there somewhere.

"I don't..I.." But he couldn't even form the words now, much less think of them, for how upset he was. Slipping his arms around Ronin the alchemist buried his face against his husband's neck, fighting a losing battle against the growing number of sobs berating against the back of his throat to be let out. Clutching the guildmaster as if for dear life (and really, it was), the alchemist hiccuped an endless series of apologies against the soft fabric of his husband's sweater. "I only want you, always and forever." He managed at last, puling back to reveal blotched cheeks stained with tears, clumped lashes, and an impossibly adoring and remorseful expression.

I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finally

Coding base by Sky!

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving "Shh, you don't have to say anything," Ronin began, but before he could continue to speak, the alchemist folded into his arms. Ronin held him as much for himself as for Remi, tilting his head to rest it against unruly curls and pressing his eyes shut tightly. He felt, in that moment, just how young the other man really was, how fragile, how mistaken, how naive. For the first time in a long time, perhaps, Ronin felt like the stronger of the two of them. "I'm sorry I was gone for so long," he said quietly, gazing across at Remi as he straightened up. "If I'd been here, and you'd had someone to talk to about everything..." He frowned, leaning in to kiss his forehead. "I told you, I'm here now. We'll work through this together, okay?" Even if it hurt. Even if he wanted desperately to go out and punch one of the training dummies until it was broken in the snow. Together was all he wanted.