Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
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I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
Her head tilted slightly, eyes narrowing a bit in confusion. ”I mean…it was a private conversation that you were not present for, so yes, I suppose in that sense it was, but the negative connotation you’re giving it is inaccurate.” she said. It seemed that he was bound and determined to lose his temper and remain angry, and she tried to prepare herself for the hurtful onslaught that would follow.
”And I just want you to know that we’re not friends.”
She hadn’t been prepared for that, and it punched her in the gut. It surely showed on her face as she gaped at him. Sure, she knew they hadn’t been best pals or anything but she had thought…wrong. Apparently she had thought wrong. Frey was going to get a big fat ole’ ’told you so’ after this. She tried to pursue her feelings, and she ended up heartbroken. She let it be, and she still ended up heartbroken – irreparably so it seemed. Quickly she looked down at her hands, eyes becoming glassy with tears. ”I…I’m sorry I…it’s not that I’m not emotionally invested in Remi, I’m just not romantically involved with either of you.” she said, doing her best to keep her voice from wavering.
”I don’t pity you, I empathize with you. It’s…it’s impossibly hard to love someone and know they don’t love you in return like you want.” she said, her voice a near whisper.
Loren almost snarled at Phoebe’s analysis, but he kept himself from doing anything but raising his eyebrows. ”It was conversation about me, that I wasn’t present for, about something deeply personal, so I’m going to give it whatever connotation I want. Don't tell me how I'm supposed to feel about something.” She could talk about how mean and stupid he was and how he was misconstruing the situation all she wanted: he wasn’t going to change his mind about how he felt about this. And he was perfectly within his rights to feel however the fuck he wanted.
As she gaped at him, his eyes just narrowed. ”Keep your apologies. I don’t want them.” And great, now she was backing off her earlier statements. At least when she’d been blighted she’d had the courage to stick to her convictions. He rolled his eyes at this latest sign of her weakness. However, her comment about not being romantically involved with either of them made absolutely no sense to him, so he ignored it.
When she talked about knowing how he felt, though, he gave her a scathing look. ”Keep your empathy too. And don’t you dare try to compare your romantic failures with my situation. You don’t know me, or how I feel.” Yeah, he’d heard about the healers troubles with men, and while it was cruel to throw that in her face, he wasn’t feeling particularly sympathetic, kind, or polite at the moment.
Because unlike her and her string of partners, Remi and Loren did love each other. Supposedly. And that was the problem, not whatever it was that was going on with Phoebe.
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
Nothing worked. Nothing helped. Everything she did was wrong. Phoebe sat there, staring at the snow around her feet, gripping the edge of the hay bale she sat on. His works struck like knives, cutting away at her in small bits. In a strange twist of fate, whether the Launceleyn realized it or not, he fell into a pattern he knew well - brow beating another for daring to step out of an imperceptible line because of their nature. The gut-wrenching feeling was followed by a wave of anxiety, her limbs trembling lightly.
The anxiety she felt washed over Pim as well, and boy was he not pleased with this development. He should’ve killed the male while he’d had the chance but noooooooo. Frey said it would make his human sad days for a long time. The pink little dragon marched his way as close to the shrine as he dared – not wanting to be too far from Phoebe – and roared at the top of his little dragon lungs for the god, angry and wrathful at the human male, his roar echoing through the stone building and making some of the Luxere lift their heads in alarm. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid humans! Fix it! Or Pim make sad sad days for everyone for all time! he shouted in the tongue of his kin, stamping one foot. Dragon rage was no joke friends.
Of course, the dragonling was under no impression that the deity would show, but it felt very good to roar like that.
But the anger Pim felt coursed through Phoebe as her anxiety course through him, and it emboldened her if only slightly. Her brows furrowed as she looked up at Loren, eyes still glassy with tears. ”You don’t know me or how I feel either, Loren.” she said darkly, lower lip trembling as she held back a waterfall of emotion. ”You shattered my best friend’s heart and I told him that he needed to respect your request for space, that he had acted foolishly and brainlessly. I defended your side.” she said, calmly but with more iron in her words. ”I don’t have to be your friend to care. That’s just how I am.”
Roaring. Cute. Well, two could play at that game, Pim. With a thought, Loren reached out to the sky above the College, visible above the courtyard. And in that space a full-sized dragon appeared, its scales black as night, its teeth longer than any sword, wings sending gusts of wind to the ground below that caused new snowdrifts to form, and fire swirling in its eyes. And then it opened its mouth and roared back at Pim. Except unlike the dragonling’s pitiful sound, this one echoed across the entirety Hollowed Grounds and shook the College to its very foundations, deafening Loren with the sheer volume of noise. The luxere fully panicked, and started stampeding, fleeing away from the garden as fast as they could. However, they parted around the summoner, as if sensing he was the source of the monster above. Or maybe sensing who was the real monster here.
There was a reason the symbol of the Launceleyns was a fucking dragon, and it was about time he embraced it. Indeed, dragon rage was no fucking joke. And neither was his.
Dismissing the summoned creature with another thought—he didn’t want to cause a panic, just prove a point—he healed the ringing in his ears with just a whisper of his power. ”Let’s talk about your friend, shall we? Yes, I hurt him. I fully acknowledge and accept that I did that, and that I can never make up for the pain I caused him, even if I devoted the rest of my life to that task. However, I didn’t ask for or need you to defend me.” His words dripped from his lips, frostier than ever.
And there was a lot more from that deep well he’d covered until this very moment. Congratulations, Phoebe got Loren to talk about his deepest feelings. Hopefully this was everything she'd wanted. ”Remi couldn’t seem to leave well enough alone. He couldn’t give me the space or the time we both needed, even when I asked him, begged him to do so. And then he, the man I loved, who is married to my former best friend, your 'best friend,' who knew all this, asked me to kiss him. After I’d already told him I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize his marriage. When he knew full well how painful it would be for me, or if he didn't is so completely self-centered that it's frankly staggering.” He could feel the ice creeping over his heart and didn’t give a shit. He wasn't going to bottle any of this up anymore. ”So he broke my heart that day as much as I broke his. And I was trying to do the right thing. He was just being selfish. So you’re right. He is at much as fault for what happened as I am. Maybe even more so." And yet, somehow all the blame and all the wrath had fallen squarely upon Loren’s shoulders. Funny how that worked out oh so nicely for the alchemist.
As for not knowing her or how she felt, well, time to see how observant the summoner was. He cocked his head to the side, his gaze piercing and hard and unforgiving. ”On second thought, maybe you two are perfect for each other. You both tell yourselves you’re selfless and caring and kind, but really the fact of the matter is you can’t stand the thought of anyone not loving you unconditionally or having anyone think you’re anything less than pure and perfect and good.” He smiled, but it was a chilling sight devoid of any and all warmth, more baring his teeth than anything else. ”Well guess what. You’re not a good person. You’re just a nice person. There’s a crucial difference, and I know which one I’d rather be. And if you think I want a sympathetic ear from you after we’ve had exactly two conversations, you’re even more pathetic than I thought.” Yeah, Loren was done. He was so fucking done with all this bullshit. So what if he was an asshole? Remi had told Loren to be honest, and this was complete and total honesty.
10-02-2019, 11:28 PM (This post was last modified: 10-02-2019, 11:28 PM by Phoebe.)
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
The roar of the dragon overhead, larger than any creature she had ever seen or imagined, sent Phoebe stumbling to the ground. She stared up at in in pure terror - sure it was conjured but that didn't make it any less dangerous. It made it more dangerous if anything. Between the buffeting wind and the stampeding herd, all she could do was curl in on herself, hands over head. Pim - undeterred by the larger dragon - came sprinting out from the building, skidding to a halt over his human. He was the size of a large dog, and she was small, so it wasn't that difficult. His wings spread and he roares viciously at Loren, rainbow sparks dancing around his jaws.
But the dragon was gone as suddenly as it had appeared, leaving Pim confused and Phoebe a trembling mess in the snow.
Most of his words were only have understood through the ringing in her ears and the panic attack sending her nerves spiralling out of control. Flashbacks to the previous LongNight, already at the back of her mind, playing out before her. Blood soaking into the wood of the floor and walls, pooling inches thick in places, the Luxere herd stampedeing away, the roar of the monster chasing her and Emmett, dragging his half-dead body through the snow for miles in the dark - it all came rushing back in an instant. She trembled and a choked sob broke through her lips as she rocked back and forth - a sight that would not be new to any Launceleyn. They all had seen these sort of attacks in their kin, caused by years of trauma and set off by any number of factors.
Pim felt it and snarled once more at Loren before turning to Phoebe, nuzzling at her throat and licking her cheeks. Through their connection he sent every bit of calming feeling he could, desperate to get her back from the drowning emotions. Like the nightmares but this time she was awake as he trilled and coaxed her back to a reality. She didn't ever have to be so scared again, not with Pim around.
It lasted but a few minutes, and soon enough her rocking slowed to a stop, hyperventilating still but not so much as before. Still trembling she rose on unsteady feet, Pim leaning in to her to support her. Then she lifted her face slowly to look at Loren, pale skin red and wet from tears, but her eyes set with a hard look. "Don't you dare tell me who or what I am." she said in a low tone, words interspersed with little uncontrolled gasps for air. "Just because you are hurt does not give you a right to be cruel. You don't know anything about why I want to help you no matter the number of conversations we have or haven't had." she said, swallowing a lump in her throat, hands trembling as she clenched them.
10-02-2019, 11:45 PM (This post was last modified: 10-03-2019, 12:07 AM by Loren.)
there's light at the edge of the darkness
Boo hoo, Phoebe was panicked. Well too bad: despite her sob stories about raids and all the men who’d left her, she couldn’t hold a candle to the trauma Loren carried around with him all the fucking time. And yet, somehow, he’d learned to live with it, without turning into a sobbing mess. The healer would have to as well. Even though Astra nudged him forward, as if to urge him to provide comfort to the fallen healer, he just crossed his arms and stared impassively down at Phoebe. She had Pim, and then, Astra who cuddled up against the healer, knowing she needed to be defended from the harsh words falling from the Launceleyn’s lips.
And gaunt as he was, pale and tired and weak as he was, he was a Launceleyn in truth in that moment. They were merciless, and didn’t stop attacking just because an opponent was down. If anything, that made it the perfect time for a killing blow. Loren certainly wasn’t going to hesitate to lash out with his words.
Thankfully, Phoebe stood, and he saw that her eyes had hardened. Good. She needed to be tougher anyway. Because he was just getting started.
”Frankly, I don’t care about why. And what are you going to do to stop me, whine about it to Remi or have Pim defend you?” The summoner gave her another cold smile. ”You’re too weak to stand up to me yourself. In fact, I wasn’t done. Feel free to stop me at any point.” She almost certainly wouldn’t. ”All I see right now is a holier-than-thou, meddling busy-body who is so convinced she’s in the right that she can’t conceive of a world in which she might be wrong about anything and believes she knows what’s best for everyone around her but never actually stops to ask them what they want. Oh, and you’re so desperate for any scrap of affection that you’ll throw yourself at the first man who says a kind word to you. How am I doing?”
His smile morphed into a sneer. ”I never said I was nice, or caring, or kind. In fact, if I remember correctly, I told you, I told everyone, repeatedly, that I was a bad person. That I was only capable of hurting others. It’s not my fault none of you believed me. Maybe if you had stopped trying so hard to see the good in me and taken a good, long, cold, hard look at yourself, my words wouldn’t hurt you so much.” Indeed, Phoebe hardly seemed the picture of self-confidence at the moment.
10-02-2019, 11:57 PM (This post was last modified: 10-02-2019, 11:57 PM by Phoebe.)
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
Phoebe wasn't the picture of self-confidence. She never had it to begin with. But that was only a portion of inner strength. "Do not mistake my kindness or lack of cruel words for weakness." she said simply as she stood there, the words flying at her chipping away at every bit of her person and soul - and still she stood. Honeyed eyes, bloodshot from tears stared back, still trembling from head to toe but unwavering.
She ran her hand over Astra's head, thankful for her comfort.
"Do you feel better now? Screaming at me for offering help? Tearing me down? Belittling me? Did it help?" she said calmly, still staring at him.
If it hadn’t already been abundantly clear that Phoebe didn’t know Loren or herself, that statement would’ve done the trick. As it was, he just smirked at her words. ”Oh I didn’t. I took your lack of a spine for weakness. Look at you. Sniveling. Sobbing. Shivering. Unable or unwilling to make me shut up. Pathetic.” She couldn’t even muster up the most paltry of defenses at his words. Then again, that probably had a lot to do with the fact that there was a kernel of truth to each one.
”Nope. You’re too easy to tear down for me to take any satisfaction from it. Maybe help yourself before you try and help others.” He leaned forward and grinned savagely at her. ”I told you I didn’t want your help. So stop offering it.” Again, it wasn’t like he wasn’t giving her fair warning here. She could walk away, or order him to go at any time. But if she couldn't stand up to him here, in the sanctum of the College that she'd built, with her stalwart companion by her side, she'd never be able to do it anywhere.
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
"Being emotional doesn't make me weak or spineless. But you are right, I can't stop you from saying what you want." she said. She had no magic. She couldn't physically overpower him. There was no way to make him stop. It was a ridiculous notion.
As he leaned forward over her, Pim snarled protectively, but Phoebe did not back down. She stared up at him, unmoving save for the uncontrollable trembling. "I will never stop offering my help to those who need it." she said calmly but firmly. It wasn't about being holier-than-thou. It wasn't about being a good person. It wasn't even about the budding crush she had on him. It was about who she was, and she helped people. "It doesn't matter what nasty things you say or think about me. You need help and my offer is always on the table."
She would not let another man tear her down. Not again. Not this time.
Yeah, Phoebe’s emotions were not a problem any more than Loren’s were. If anything, he felt invigorated for the first time in a long time, sustained by icy fury. The coolness certainly felt better than the dull ache he'd carried with him before. ”I didn’t say they were. No. What makes you weak is that you’ve given up the fight without even trying. You just assume you have no ability to change anything in your life and so you wait for some prince to come for you like a useless damsel in a fairy tale. Well guess what. You’re not a princess and no knight in shining armor is coming.” No one would save her but herself. And he didn’t think she was capable of that.
Almost, he laughed at her words. Instead, he just leaned back, not at all impressed by her convictions. ”How’s that working out for you?” Poorly, from where he was standing. ”I hope you’re prepared to get turned down again, and again, and again then. Because I don’t want or need your help, and no one else will unless you help yourself and find out how to stand on your own two feet, without some man or some dragon or some god supporting you.” Somehow, he doubted that would ever happen.
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
"I haven't given up. If I had I would have been dead long before this moment." she said simply, but with honesty. There was LongNight. The wolf attack. The cave in. Numerous personal losses and heart breaks. Failing her god. Losing her child. Of course, he didn't know what all she had suffered, nor would he likely acknowledge it. But while he had been off in the woods or wherever, wasting away in self-pity, she had been surviving and fighting her demons.
Not that she was perfect, far from it. But a quiter Phoebe Steadman was not.
"I've helped plenty of people here to know that what you're saying is in ignorance." she said simply. Even as her very soul hurt from the verbal thrashing she received, even as she internally begged Frey to make the pain go away, she stood against him. "Having support doesn't make you weak or incapable. All you're doing is proving how little you understand about me."
10-03-2019, 02:02 AM (This post was last modified: 10-03-2019, 02:08 AM by Loren.)
there's light at the edge of the darkness
Phoebe was quaking in her boots, and all Loren was doing was throwing a few insults at her. Honestly, he could’ve been doing so much worse: magic, sure, but even just his bare fists. If this was enough to bring her to the verge of collapsing again, then she was probably beyond help. The Launceleyn was a lot of things, but he never backed down or hid from a fight worth fighting. The healer didn't have that same fire in her. Or maybe ice, given how his rage still coursed within him.
”Surviving isn’t living, Phoebe.” He sank an extra bit of emphasis into her name, giving it a bit more of a kick. And yes, he knew that more than most: he’d scraped by in his lost year, but that could hardly be considered a life. However, if the healer couldn’t even stand up to him when he wasn’t using any force, just cutting her with words, she wasn’t really living either. ”Maybe, maybe not. But what I do know is that I don’t want to get to know anyone as needy and insecure as you.”
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
To say Phoebe lacked fire was a gross misunderstanding of her person. It just burned differently and for different things. Rage was not her default mode of operation, nor was her trembling a result of insults hurled, but having a giant dragon roar at her from on high. But that didn't mean that she didn't get irritated. She was only human after all, she could only take so much. "Is losing your temper because someone offered you a helping hand living, Loren?" she asked, voice still calm if perhaps a bit deadened in tone.
Needy and insecure. She was, she knew it deep down, but she didn't know why he would think that about her, given she had been the one offering him help. "What are you trying to gain from hurling insults here?" she said softly, head tilting slightly to the side. "Are you trying to prove that you're an awful person? That you really are an uppity duke? That you're just as condescending as Zariah?" she asked, shrugging a bit. "I'm not sure what end you're trying to get to here by shouting at me."
Actually, now that Phoebe mentioned it, Loren felt more alive than he had in a long time, perhaps since his return. That thought made him smile grimly, and he clasped his hands behind his back. ”It is. Is standing there, taking insults without even trying to get in a few of your own, or defend yourself, or fight back really living? Come onnnn Phoebe. Push me. Raise your voice. Do something, anything other than stand there looking sad.” His voice came out mockingly, since he knew she wouldn’t.
”I’m not looking to gain anything. And I haven’t raised my voice once this conversation.” No, his tone was icy and low and dark, but not loud. Her questions were silly, and clearly showed just how little she understood: he had no agenda, no goals here beyond letting his true self out. It was what everyone wanted, after all, and it wasn’t his fault if what they wanted from him wasn’t a good idea. He'd warned them this would just result in pain in the end, if they insisted on pushing him down this road. ”I don’t care what you think of me, to be quite honest. I’ve just decided that I should stop holding myself back from doing what I want, and saying what I think, and feeling how I should.” And right now, what he wanted was to let go of all the pain and heartbreak he’d been carrying around with him for almost his entire life, and replace it with something much, much better.
