From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
’I’m stupid, Frey.’
’It’s just how you feel, stupid doesn’t even factor into it, honeybunch.’
’Can’t you see how stupid I am? Look at this mess.’
‘Humans are messy. It’s part of your charm. But your feelings don’t obligate you to clean up his mess, bumblebee. That would be stupid.’
Frey was not with her in any tangible way, but she could feel them and their lessons with her always. As she looked back at the summoner, his sneering and goading at her trembling form, she could hear Frey’s voice, crystal clear in her mind; likely imagined but helpful nonetheless. Her heartbreak and anxiety and frustration at one melted to melancholy adoration. She smiled at him, melancholic but warm. ”I don’t want to.” she said, shrugging slightly at his mocking words. ”I feel badly for you; that you have allowed your hurts to make you bitter and reclusive when there are those who would help.” she said gently.
The midwife sighed, closing her eyes as she pulled on inner strength to get her trembles under control. Pim grumbled, rubbing his head against her hip, encouraging her to get it together.
”How is it that you should feel, then?” she asked. The phrase didn’t even make sense to her. You felt how you felt. Like stupid, should didn’t factor into it.
10-03-2019, 02:22 PM (This post was last modified: 10-03-2019, 02:23 PM by Loren.)
there's light at the edge of the darkness
Wow. Wowwwwww. Phoebe pitied him. Wasn’t that cute and sweet and oh so misguided? Well, too bad. Despite how Loren might be acting, sympathy or empathy, or whatever it was she thought she was doing had no place here. Nor did her smile, which just made the frigid cold within him expand. Unfortunately for her, the summoner didn’t need help. Not anymore. ”And you have allowed your naivety and your so-called innocence blind you to the truth: no one wants you, or your help, or your love.” Maybe she should spend a little more time on herself instead of losing herself in others.
He leaned forward, dropping his voice to a chilling whisper. ”Let me let you in on a little secret, Phoebe. Men like women with a little bit of a spark in them, not simpering, doe-eyed, ‘I need someone else to feel complete’ types. They want partners, not people who are just going to drag them down and hold them back.” Leaning back now, he gave her a considering look, his eyes still cold and dark. ”Maybe that’s why Sunjata left you for Lusea, why they all leave you. Lusea, now, she’s a firebrand. You though?" Loren paused, letting his eyes sweep the healer head to toe and back up again. "You’re nothing.” Although the summoner had never met Sunjata’s revived love, from what the other man had said, the Launceleyn thought he was right on the money.
How he should feel was a good question. However, he didn’t think she’d much like the answer. Oh well. She shouldn’t have asked, then. ”Like I’m done wasting my time on people who can’t be bothered to do a little introspection. I’ve admitted to everything you’ve accused me of.” Once more, he grinned savagely. ”You though? You can’t even seem to admit that there’s a grain of truth in everything I’ve told you.” She’d just denied, and denied, and denied. It seemed to him that the biggest difference between the two of them was that he was done denying the truth, and was fully ready to embrace who and what he was and was meant to be. It was so much easier that way.
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
Phoebe shook her head slowly. ”I am not blinded from the truth. I know no one wants me or loves me.” she said simply, still smiling at him in that warm but sad way. Inside she felt her heart sinking in on itself, her strength maintained by sheer will alone so he would not see her crack and break; at least not again. She didn’t want him to know he had that power over her, and she would hold onto it for as long as she could.
”Sunjata left me because she held his heart long before I ever met him. He never loved me like he loved her, and I knew that. When Lusea appeared here in Caido, it wasn’t even a question of who he would choose. Emmett before him left me because I had too much spark – he didn’t like that I stood my ground against him.” she said, a direct contradiction to what he said men wanted.
”I don’t think I need to admit anything. I haven’t really argued with anything you have said about me, have I?” she said, shrugging a bit. ”I do want someone to love, and someone to love me in return. I am insecure and needy. I’m not perfect, and some would even say I am not a good person. Some might not even venture to say I am kind. I also don’t like confrontation and I am not a very good liar.” she said calmly, still holding his perfectly blue gaze, as much as it hurt. ”But there are a few things you’ve gotten wrong, I’ve just refrained from arguing because I don’t see the point. Since you seem intent on getting it though: I am very introspective and I try to be a better person every day. I am trying to be stronger and more independent. I try to be kind, even when I don’t want to be, because I know the world is a cruel place and I don’t know what other people are suffering through. I don’t think I am holier or better than anyone, I am just trying to do my best each day; and frankly, Loren, if you haven’t seen my spark it’s probably because you haven’t looked.” she said calmly, but firmly.
”Moreover, I don’t need a man to feel complete. I simply want love. And as harsh as your words are, you are wasting your breath – you do not have the power to destroy my sense of worth. It is sad that you are so blinded by your own hurts that you feel the need to resort to nastiness to make yourself feel better.”
Finally, it seemed they were making progress, and Phoebe was worrying about herself instead of him. Well, mostly: she seemed to think that he felt better for being cruel, but he didn’t. No, she had the order completely wrong. The cruelty flowed from him because he felt better, not the other way around. The anger sustained him, filled him, completed him in a way that his desperate search for the dregs of affection from anyone who showed him a modicum of warmth never had.
He felt freed from the shackles of his past, of those who sought to mold him into something he wasn’t, someone he couldn’t be. Kindness had always been so much harder for him, and now he knew why. It was because he’d never had the capability to be gentle, and had always been able to hurt people. So, he embraced that, and stayed silent as she spoke, his eyes unreadable.
When she finished, he remained quiet for a few more moments. Then, he applauded slowly, mockingly. ”Now we’re getting somewhere.” He crossed his arms and grinned at her. This time, it had a wild edge to it. ”Trying isn’t always enough. And regardless of what you might think or say, which, let me tell you, your pretty little speech about yourself and your self-image hardly match your words or your actions towards others, you come across as if you believe you're totally pure of heart and no one else can live up to your impossibly high standards. But that's not really important." It was something she should be aware of, probably. However, he didn't think she'd be willing to admit that about herself, nor did he have any interest in helping her correct her behavior.
"No what's important is this: if you know no one you’re unlovable, then why keep searching for love?” Those two were entirely contradictory, and they’d tear her apart unless she found some way to resolve them. Not that the Launceleyn particularly cared. Unlike her, he was done trying to be a better person, or kind, or anything more than the ice that had taken over his heart and soul. Cold. Unfeeling. Hard.
His family would be so proud. Well, better late than never he supposed.
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
Phoebe shrugged a little, continuing to shroud her heart in a protective shield from the hurtful words he spewed and things he did. ”I cannot help your perception of me, which is different than how others perceive me.” He could think she thought herself pure of heart. He could think she held others to impossibly high standards. There wasn’t really anything she could do about it. It made her sad, but there wasn’t anything to be done about it either. It simply was.
Leave it be, Phoebe.
”Because I have hope that someone someday will disagree with me.” she said softly, smiling just the tiniest bit. ”Just like you think I am an awful person and others don’t, I believe that someday someone will think I am loveable.” She looked down at her hands which trembled from the bits of blight that still affected her. ”I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be; and I will never give up on that. This is just a moment of darkness, and someday the light will shine again.”
Others might perceive Phoebe differently than Loren did, that much was true. However, he thought there were at least some who felt similarly to him. There was at least some evidence to back up his claims, whereas all she had to rely on were her words. ”Is that so? Well, let’s think about that for a bit. All those men you loved before, they all left, didn’t they? Makes you wonder why. And what’s the common thread through all that." He tapped a finger on his chin, as if he needed to think about it. "Oh that’s right, it’s not the guys, it’s you, Phoebe.”
And then she contradicted herself. Again. ”So you do think someone will love you, someday. Someday your prince will come, is that it? Someone to wash away all the tears and sorrow?” He sneered at her, and at that image. ”You can’t have it both ways. You can’t profess to be unlovable and hold out hope that someone will love you anyway. You can’t say you don’t want to pick sides between me and Remi, then go and talk to him about all his troubles and woes but pretend like you care about us equally. You can’t say you’re not perfect, but then refuse to acknowledge your own culpability in all your failed relationships. At least have some courage in your convictions.” This constant flip-flopping—trying to say what she thought he wanted to hear or the right thing to say or whatever the fuck she thought she was doing—was just lowering his estimation of her, if such a thing were possible.
”I don’t think you’re an awful person. I just think you’re a weak person.” Of course, then she expressed some incredibly ridiculous sentiment and he had to give her another mocking round of applause. ”Oh well done. Did you practice that one in the mirror while you were brushing your hair?” Sarcasm positively dripped from each word.
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
Phoebe sighed and shook her head. ”I told you why Emmett and Sunjata left me. I wouldn’t do what Emmett wanted because I disagreed with him and Sunjata’s girlfriend from his home appeared in Caido.” she said tiredly. ”I could have submitted and been the spineless woman Emmett wanted, but I didn’t. I could have tried to prove I was better than Lusea but I knew I wasn’t so I didn’t. I contributed to both ends, but I am not wholly to blame for either.” She was answering him and now he wasn’t even listening to it.
’Let it be, my duckling. You have nothing to defend.’
‘I have to try.’
’Do you, though?’
”Everything exists in duality and contradiction. The world isn’t as black and white as you’re trying to make it. Loren.” she said as he thrashed her for her contradicting statements and ideals. ”And for the record, I can talk to Remi about his troubles and woes and still care about you equally. I defended your stance and I tried to talk to you – at least give you the opportunity to discuss it – about it as well. I would think it is pretty courageous to continue to try and help someone who obviously needs it even when they are doing everything they can to make you feel like less than dirt.”
’Then don’t be. It’s about time you spread your wings, my little caterpillar.’
”Weak why? Because I won’t engage in your pointless argument? In you raging at the sheer notion that someone might want to help you? That Remi might have needed to discuss an issue and he dared talk to me? In taking your anger that you can’t process?” she said firmly, eyes narrowing a bit at him. ”I don’t need to defend myself to you. I don’t need to give you anything. It takes strength to feel deeply and get hurt and still put yourself out there again. Remi moved on when you left and you are too weak to try again and it makes you irate that someone like me has a strength you could never possess in your wildest dreams. Your emotional intelligence is stunted, you’ve the communications skills of a rock, and the coping mechanisms of a tantrum throwing toddler. When you’re ready to start processing your issues like the introspective person you claim to be, let me know, but until then, you can go find someone else to pick on, sir.” she said, her voice remaining calm and steady, not raising in volume but allowing no room to be questioned.
Excellent. Loren had been pushing and pushing and now Phoebe finally caved. All this time he hadn’t really been trying to hurt her, not really. If he had, she’d be dead already. No, all he'd really wanted was a worthy opponent, and now she was providing him with that.
She seemed to have a lot on her mind, as much to say as he already had. And since she’d been oh so kind and nice and listened to him, he did the same for her. ”Alright. So you recognize your strengths and your flaws. Now find someone who accepts those, and stop wasting everyone’s time with your whining about being alone forever.” Nobody wanted to hear that.
His eyes narrowed at her comments about morality and he laughed at her, the sound as dark and lifeless as everything else coming from him. ”You’re right. Everything’s a muddy shade of grey. Putting a stranger on the same level as your best friend, though? That’s cold, and that's coming from me. As for your so-called courage, maybe it’s just stubborn pride and an inability to admit when you’ve lost.” Everything could be flipped on its head and he was willing to shake things up now.
As she gave her best attacks, he just grinned, cold as ice. ”Alright. That’s fair. I am a big baby stomping around, and maybe one day I’ll magically grow up.” He was totally fine with that particular impression. What he wasn’t okay with was her continuing belief that he’d come around some day. ”I wouldn’t hold your breath, though, ma’am. I have no interest in pouring my heart out to someone who betrays her best friend’s confidence and can’t keep her partners happy enough to stay.” He gave her a mocking little salute.
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
Phoebe waited until he finished speaking...and when he did, she blinked, jaw having gone a little slack with shock. "Are you serious?! she said her already high voice rising an octave or so. Pim's head tilted, taken aback by her sudden shift in mood. "You're upset that I betrayed Remi's confidence and that's why you're making a complete ass of yourself?!" she said, aggravated that just now, after all of that, she could finally pinpoint a logical reason for his outburst of anger.
You've gotta be kidding me.
"First of all, you were part of what I talked to him about. It's not like I told you something you didn't already know! Second of all I would bet my life that Remi would be glad if you had someone to talk about this all with, even if it was me! That's the kind of person he is and you know that! For the love of Frey!" she said with an aggravated groan, pressing her fingers to her temples.
"And why should whether I keep my partners happy or not matter to you?! It's not like you would have ever wanted me that way anyways clearly so it doesn't affect you at all." Her cheeks puffed up with air, face red with anger as it suddenly rose.
Loren felt his eyebrows raise. The fact that Phoebe singled out this one particular fact out of everything he’d thrown at her was baffling. ”Are you?” Of course he wasn’t angry about her betrayal of Remi. ”I hate to burst your bubble, but not everything revolves around the two of you. I was just saying that I can’t exactly trust you not to go blabbing and gossiping to the next person who crosses your path. You were pretty quick to talk to me, after all, an almost complete stranger, about an intimate conversation.” Honestly, she’d accused him of being childish, but in that moment he was pretty certain which of the two of them was acting immature.
As she whined some more, and rubbed her temples, he just smirked at the sight, not at all bothered by her obvious distress. ”It’s your life. You can do what you want with it. Too bad I don't have anyone I can trust to talk to." They'd already covered that though. "As for Remi, well, the man I knew, the man I loved, would never have asked me to kiss him.” That was true for many reasons: first because the summoner had pursued the alchemist and second because the other man would never have done something so selfish or reckless. "I don't know the kind of person he is anymore, nor do I care to." What Remi had gained in confidence, he’d lost in sense and kindness. And that kindness had been what drew Loren in the first place.
And then at Phoebe’s angry response to his last jab, the Launceleyn’s jaw dropped. He was a bit slow on the uptake, but combined with her earlier reactions and comments, even the summoner was able to piece it together. ”Wait. Did you...did you think I might fall in love with you? That I might be the one to save you, sweep you off your feet? Did you have a crush on me?” He laughed so hard that tears formed in his eyes, the sound heartless and cruel.
Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, he chuckled a few more times, then fixed her with a bemused and cold expression. ”You’re right. I would never want you that way. And the fact that you thought I might, after just two conversations, after I broke your best friend's heart, which, while we’re on the subject, how do you think Remi would’ve reacted to that? Ever consider anyone’s feelings but your own here? Anyway, the fact that you thought that shows just how sad and small and hopeless you really are.” She truly was pathetic. "Grow up, Phoebe."
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
”I am not blabbing or gossiping to a random person! You were part of it! I figured you might be upset and need someone to talk to and offered.” His logic was absolutely nonlinear and messed up. And it was driving her insane at this point. Pim grumbled at her, not wanting her to go down that road either.
But then he veered off, taking her comment entirely off base. Well. Sort of off base.
Did she have a bit of a crush on him? Yes. Was she going to admit it? Abso-fucking-lutely not.
His laughter hurt her but she refused to let it show, instead shock coloring her expression. ”Are you really that conceited that the first place you took that is ‘oh she must have a crush on me’?” she said, aghast. ”You’re the one talking about my past relationships like it has something to do with how you should feel about me! Like the fact that they didn’t work out means you should think awful things about me! Why the hell would I want you when you don’t even take care of yourself? You’ve some nerve to talk about any of this considering you up and disappeared for who even knows why and come back sniveling about like you’re nothing and treat yourself like nothing and recoil at the first sign of assistance and suddenly act all high and mighty. If anyone needs to do growing, it’s you, now get the fuck out of my College!” she said, finally yelling at the end, angry to the point of tears.
Well. The tears were mostly her heart hurting. But let him think it was anger.
The fact that the gossip just so happened to involve him didn’t mean it wasn’t gossip. Phoebe seemed to have some trouble grasping that concept, though that was the least of Loren’s problems with her at the moment. ”You figured wrong.” That was the crux of the issue: the healer thought she knew how to help him, and she really, really didn’t. And she yet she persisted in insisting that he accept her offer of assistance. If she kept doing that, he’d have to keep turning her down in increasingly harsh ways.
The Launceleyn thought Phoebe protested a little too much. And, in all her angry yelling, he noticed she never actually said he was wrong. A cruel smile formed on his lips. ”Yes. I’m the self-centered one. Not the one who failed to take other's feelings into consideration.” He stepped forward, arms behind his back, closing the distance between them. ”Why would you want me, that is indeed the question. And yes. I have some nerve. Glad to see you’ve found yours as well, though I seemed to have stepped on one of them.” He laughed at her again. ”As for me, well, I had a mental breakdown. In fact, I think I’ve been in the midst of it until now.” His icy fury had brought that into stark focus.
When she finally ordered him out of the college, however, he grinned at her. ”Gladly. Come along Astra.” After providing the healer with some comfort, the luxere had backed away to huddle in a corner; Astra hesitated only a moment before coming to his side. While she was scared by this new side of him, she knew he needed her now more than ever, and would stick by him until whatever had overcome him had passed.
Loren didn’t even notice, just stepped back to see whether Phoebe would try to enforce her command.
I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
Her hands clenched as he continued to belittle her. He was just like what he claimed not to be – a spoiled, self-righteous noble prick. The same kind of person as those that used to put pins in her shoes and chopped off her hair. He was vile and it hurt to realize it.
But then he called over the poor luxere like a dog and she snapped again.
”I feel bad for her. She doesn’t deserve to be stuck with such a loathsome, hate-filled person as you.” she said, lips pressing into a thin line. ”She is supposed to be part of you and she is clearly scared of you.” But he wasn’t leaving and so she stepped up to him, mere inches from him as she came near nose to nose with the summoner. ”I said: Get. Out.” she said through clenched teeth.
Well, if Phoebe wanted to lob insults about companions now, Loren was hardly going to hold back on that front. And of course he had material at the ready. ”And I feel bad for Pim. He can’t trust you to fight your own battles, and he deserves someone as fierce as he is.” Indeed, the little dragonling wasn’t afraid to stand up for himself and for the healer.
As she told him to leave again, he sneered at her. ”Is that all you got? Words? Don’t worry. I’m leaving. But you better learn how to do something other than run and cry soon, else I might not go away so easily next time.” With that he stalked off, making his way towards the exit to the courtyard. Astra glanced between the healer and Pim and then the summoner, before walking after the Launceleyn. The luxere’s antlered head was bowed and her tail was tucked between her legs.
