Worthless and Broken

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

After Loren had left (or she left, however that ended up ending), Phoebe made a beeline for the Guildhall. She was covered in snow from her fall, trembling from head to toe with held in anger, and for all intents and purposes looking a hot mess. Pim was following behind, head low, unsure where this emotional ride was going to go next. This was Frey’s fault really because they warned Pim not to kill the stupid human male.

The midwife didn’t stop at the door. She barged right in, not even taking time to shake off the snow from her person. Wherever Remi was was right where she marched herself. But as soon as she saw him, she broke down. Big crocodile tears flowed and she covered her face with her hands, sobs wracking her ribcage. She was stupid. She was weak. She was insecure. She was needy. She was pathetic. She was sad. She was small. She was hopeless. She was unloveable. She was nothing – the string of hurtful words a chorus in her mind, tearing at every nerve and fiber and sinew.

”You’re right. I would never want you that way.”

The anger, the hurt, the stress of the flashbacks all came crashing down and the midwife broke.

Napping is what Remi was doing. Curled on the couch with the fire blazing merrily away in the hearth, the alchemist was cocooned in the quilt Phoebe had made as a wedding present (the one she'd given he and Ronin after her three-some gift). And so it was he'd meet the midwife with shirtless and with sleepy eyes as she barged into the guildhouse. Not that he minded, of course. Pushing himself up into a sitting position at the sound of the door-slamming and Phoebe's sobs, the alchemist immediately opened his arms to pull her close and draw her onto his lap so that he might wrap his blanketed-winged-arms around her. "Hey, shhh." He whispered softly, heart thudding an even rhythm in his chest. "What happened?" REMI I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finding me

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

As soon as his arms (or were they wings?) wrapped around her she broke down further. She was somewhere safe and familiar and all too quickly the tears turned into a near endless stream as she curled up on his lap and hid away in his chest. Her ribs hurt from the sobs and gasps for air, her head pounded from the pressure as his words replayed themselves in her mind, over and over and over again. Worthless. Hopeless. Weak. Unloveable. Insecure. Needy…

Her arms wrapped around his torso to hang onto him, not wanting to leave the little safe place he had made for her there. Pim found a place where he could burrow his head under the blanket, trying to deaden some of his senses with the onslaught of emotions rolling off his companion. ”Lo…ren…” she managed to answer Remi between sobs and hiccups.

"shh sh shhhhh" Remi cooed endlessly, one arm wrapped around her to hold her close while his other stroked up and down her hair. Tucking his chin against her head and humming reassuringly, Remi frowned deeply as he waited for Phoebe's breath to slow so that she might speak. With a sidelong glance at Pim—if only Remi had those level 11 perks and could simply ask the dragonling what had happened—the alchemist felt himself grow cold as he heard the strangled syllables leaving his friend's lips. Tightening his jaw, wondering what on earth Loren could have done to create this sort of reaction, Remi simply pressed a kiss against Phoebe's forehead as his mind frantically whirled. "Loren...?" He repeated softly. REMI I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finding me

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

Pim just grumbled and Remi’s glance but he would be so happy when Remi had those level 11 perks and he had someone else to talk to besides Frey.

It took Phoebe a long time to calm down enough to talk. She was quick to cry, but usually she was quick to pull it together again too. Not this time. Not with the summoner’s words chorusing in her mind like a Baptist choir calling to god on high – repeated endlessly, in slightly different configurations, sometimes with added flair and trill, all conveying the same message. But eventually she did enough to speak, though her words were still interspersed with hyperventilated breaths.

”He was upset and I told him I knew about what happened…if he needed to talk because I know he has no one.” she said, having to pause as her breath came in short gasps. Phoebe tried to dry her eyes but more tears replaced what she removed. ”But he exploded. He told me I was weak and pathetic and unlovable and worthless and pathetic and too needy and insecure and how the reason Emmett and Sunjata didn’t want me was because of me.” she said, starting to break down again, forced to pause as a few sobs broke through. ”He said I think I’ve better than everyone else and hold everyone to impossible standards and I’m gossipy and nothing he just kept berating me and I just wanted to help.”

I told him I knew about what happened. Phoebe would find Remi's reaction entirely different from Loren's. He felt a cold prickle of something akin to embarrassment waver through him, but no anger. It had done him good to have Phoebe to talk to and he could certainly understand the midwife wanting to reciprocate that experience with Loren. ...I know he has no one.. Oh, but that hurt, if only because the alchemist so desperately wanted it not to be true. Remi tensed, but quickly his fingers resumed their soothing even as his eyes squeezed shut against the prickle of tears. "What?" The alchemist demanded then, pulling back from Phoebe if only to try and see her expression, not that he expected to see any signs of deceit there. Heart properly racing now, Remi's gaze went hazy as he sank into himself, entirely unsure how to process any of this. "Why would he say any of that? He doesn't even know you." REMI I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finding me

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

Indeed, there were no signs of deceit. Just her misery and hurt, clearly written on her face. She shook her head at his question. She didn’t know why. She didn’t know why anyone would say things like that if someone offered them help, or tried to commiserate with their hurt. It made no sense to her. But she wasn’t done rambling yet.

”And then I told him I didn’t know why he had to bring up Emmett or Jata because it didn’t affect him and wouldn’t unless he wanted me like that – because I thought it would shut him up.” she said hiccupping. ”And then he accused me of liking him and how sad and small and hopeless I was and he could never want me that way which doesn’t even matter but why say something like that to someone.” she said, breaking down into sobs again. ”He just kept laughing and me and attacking me and he summoned a dragon and it roared so loud I had a panic attack and he laughed at me.”

"How does he even know about them?" The alchemist asked, perhaps a touch skeptically. After all, he'd merely assumed Loren and Phoebe's relationship was entirely professional up until this point. It hadn't occurred to them that they'd blurred the boundary into friendship. ...wouldn’t unless he wanted me like that... Remi felt something cold and precise form in the pit of his stomach. It felt snake-like and tinged with green. ..then he accused me of liking him... "Do you?" He very nearly said, the viper in his stomach stirring and trying to work his lips into satisfying its curiosity. Instead Remi bit hard on the inside of his cheek and cuddled Phoebe all the harder. Jealousy was never something he'd felt before, not in any of his friendships or in relationships. If he could help it, he wouldn't start now. Not that he could, though. "He...what?!" For a moment Remi's fingers gripped tightly around Phoebe as feathers sprouted through his curls. Teeth clicking together he had to force himself to relax, though he did shift unhappily beneath her as an adrenaline-testosterone concoction broiled in his belly. "Why? What brought any of this on? Why would he be so cruel and...so.." Biting his lip Remi tried to think of the word. "..why bring all those other things up?" REMI I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finding me

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

”I don’t know maybe I ranted about it when I was blighted I don’t even remember I yelled a lot of things at him.” she said through her sobs. She didn’t know where he had drawn half of his conclusions and observations from. She didn’t know what he had done to draw such ire and disgust from him.

She nodded at his shock, trying once again to get her emotions in line. ”I had been in the garden singing to the Luxere and when the dragon roared I fell and they all stampeded off and I just suddenly flashed back to last LongNight and the Luxere running away and the Palmer’s and being attacked and he just stood there and laughed at me and called me pathetic.” she said, pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes.

”I don’t know! I just said if he wanted to talk he could talk to me about it!” she said, starting to cry into his chest anew.

Had he visited her in jail, then? Never mind. Not important. What was important was the scene Phoebe had just described, making the unhealthy cocktail of emotions in his stomach began to bubble up into his throat. "He..." Cutting off what he was about to say, Remi's teeth clicked together and a growl vibrated in the back of his throat. Indeed, through his entire chest. Was this all because of him? Was Loren taking things out on Phoebe as a punishment for what Remi had done? Or not done? 'Shhhhh.' He whispered again, her tears briefly clearing his mental fog. Running his fingers in slow circles on her and trying not to shiver as her tears trickled down his chest, Remi glared unhappily at the ceiling. "I have no idea why he would do that." And indeed, the Loren he knew and had known, had never been cruel. He'd said as much when the pair had talked in the pit. "If he wants to throw around dragons and revile in the fear they inspire, he can come and try me on for size." Remi snarled into Phoebe's blonde hair. REMI I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finding me

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

The growl, though and indicator of his anger, was soothing, as it reverberated through his chest and against her. Almost like a cat purring, but on a much, much larger scale and forgetting the fact that lions can’t pur. Pim growled along with Remi, very much sharing the sentiment in the moment, his tail flicking back and forth with irritation.

”I just wanted to help.” she whispered. ”I know how much it hurts. I know how much you both hurt. I didn’t mean to gossip.” She wanted to be the person she had needed when she hurt like that. She didn’t want anyone to feel like that, ever, not even her worst enemy (though her worst enemy was happily married so that was not likely at the moment). ”You’re not supposed to go around him.” Phoebe said, lifting her head as she sniffled and wiped at her eyes.

”Am I…am I all those things? Be honest Remi.” she said, watching him with bloodshot eyes.

The predatory pulses in Remi found comfort in Pim's aggressive vocalizations as well, a thought which would have been horrifying to the alchemist months prior. Now though he let himself slip into a selfish haze of anger and fury, learning for the first time how blurry indeed the line between love and hate could become. "I know you do." Remi agreed, nodding against her. "Gossip? How could it be? I am allowed to talk about my feelings." He said with a sigh. Giving his friend a look as she reminded him of the promise he'd made, the alchemist could only shrug. "And he isn't to hurt my friends. It is one thing if you two...just had a fight, but this?" No, this was beyond unacceptable. Deep down though, Remi knew if he went to Loren know in Phoebe's defense, the summoner would never forgive him. Loren would never let it go that the alchemist had chosen Phoebe's needs over Loren's, and though Remi shouldn't have cared, should have immediately sided with the midwife, the cold icicle in his belly was more than indication that things were not so black and white. "Absolutely not." He said, pulling her close and kissing her forehead. With a finger turned into a feather, Remi softly pushed away the tears rolling down her cheeks. Then, with a boyish smile, he shrugged. "Then again...weak, he said?" Reaching his hands around to her biceps, he squeezed and made a comically disappointed look. "You could do with some pushups, I suppose.." REMI I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finding me

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

”Because apparently I broke your confidence by telling Loren that you talked to me about it, which I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry I figure he was there for what actually happened so it wasn’t a bit secret!” she said, her frustration showing through a bit as she tried to calm her breathing. But Phoebe shook her head against his chest as he made an excuse for confronting Loren on her behalf. ”I don’t want to come between you, I don’t want to make it worse.” she said, sniffling pathetically. She was pathetic. She was all those things.

Though Remi said otherwise, kissing her forehead and wiping away her tears in a distinctly brotherly manner. His joke did managed to get a strangled giggle from her, and she shook her head. ”You know I didn’t mean that kind of weak.” she said hoarsely, hyperventilating for another moment before finally getting ahold of her own lungs again.

The alchemist shrugged with ease. "I never said it was a secret. If you thought it was worth sharing with him, I trust your judgement." Then...with a horrible think swallow he asked, "..did you tell him the rest of what I said? Of why I needed to..." Colour breezed across his cheeks as he gave his friend a wavery look. "I doubt there is anything between us to come between." Remi said in a low voice, not wanting the words to be true, but finding it harder and harder to believe they weren't. "Besides, this whole thing with Loren and I...it is not for anyone else to make better or worse. It's just us." Saying this though sent a shiver down Remi's spine. Us. What a joke that was. "Oh? Well what else could he have meant?" Remi said with a gentle playfulness. "Because the Phoebe Steadman I know survived a massacre during LongNight, is friends with a god, has a soul bonded to a dragon, runs her own clinic, and still manages to make time for me and everyone else. If crying when you are frightened or upset makes you weak, then I will let you in on a secret:" So saying, he glanced around before leaning forward. "Loren is very weak indeed." This he said kindly though, not meant necessarily as a slight against the summoner. Remi of all people had no recourse to criticize anyone for crying, the point simply being that doing so didn't make you weak. "As for unloveable? Emmett loved you very much, despite how things ended. Sunjata too." Deja vu prickled the back of Remi's neck and he had to try not to wince away from it, as he repeated the same words he'd told Loren only days earlier. "Love does not always mean being together. Love does not just make things work out. It does not make it any less real." REMI I forgot what it was like, to think I found you finding me