Love mends even the broken parts
I will go.
”No.” Not this time. This time, Loren was going to say his piece. Because every other time he’d tried to actually express himself, he’d screwed it up, or Remi had reassured the summoner that it would all be okay somehow. But it wouldn’t be okay, and he’d always known that. They just needed to find out a way to live with it not being okay, and the alchemist hadn't seemed to know how to handle that. On the other hand, Loren had always know how to live with everything being wrong in his life. His voice came out quietly, and if the other man had already left, so be it. The Launceleyn needed to say this for himself as much as Remi.
So, while he shivered uncontrollably, felt the cold creeping in from both without and within, and as his injured hand turned numb, he spoke. It came out in a surprisingly light tone, given everything. ”I have all this anger, and fear, and sadness, and pain, and darkness inside me. And it’s not going anywhere. It’s been a part of me for as long as I could remember, and it’s always terrified me. So I turned it inwards. Then that just worried and upset people, and I couldn’t stand to see the pity and suspicion in their eyes, and it would leak out at the most inopportune times. Finally, that drove me insane, and I ran away from it all." That had been before. Way before. "But I came back.” He’d come back, and hoped it would count for something.
It hadn’t. ”I came back. But I felt more alone than ever. And then I found out that everyone else had someone they were close to. You had people you were close to. Who you’d told everything. Ronin. Phoebe. Everyone cares about you.” This might not be fair, but the summoner wasn’t particularly interested in being fair. ”And I had no one. No one I could trust at least. And certainly no one I could talk to.” Beatrix was a child, and all the houseguests were strangers, and all his old friends had moved on—not that Loren had expected them to be there for him, all things considered—and Remi. Well. Everything had always been far too complicated with Remi. ”So I took all that darkness in me, and for once I decided not to hate myself. I decided to hate the world instead.” And it had felt good, he wouldn’t deny that. If that made him a monster, so be it. Still, his teeth were chattering from the cold and the emotion and he sank down in the snow, unheeding of whatever else was going on around him. "I guess I couldn't even do that much right." It was too late to take it all back now.
”No.” Not this time. This time, Loren was going to say his piece. Because every other time he’d tried to actually express himself, he’d screwed it up, or Remi had reassured the summoner that it would all be okay somehow. But it wouldn’t be okay, and he’d always known that. They just needed to find out a way to live with it not being okay, and the alchemist hadn't seemed to know how to handle that. On the other hand, Loren had always know how to live with everything being wrong in his life. His voice came out quietly, and if the other man had already left, so be it. The Launceleyn needed to say this for himself as much as Remi.
So, while he shivered uncontrollably, felt the cold creeping in from both without and within, and as his injured hand turned numb, he spoke. It came out in a surprisingly light tone, given everything. ”I have all this anger, and fear, and sadness, and pain, and darkness inside me. And it’s not going anywhere. It’s been a part of me for as long as I could remember, and it’s always terrified me. So I turned it inwards. Then that just worried and upset people, and I couldn’t stand to see the pity and suspicion in their eyes, and it would leak out at the most inopportune times. Finally, that drove me insane, and I ran away from it all." That had been before. Way before. "But I came back.” He’d come back, and hoped it would count for something.
It hadn’t. ”I came back. But I felt more alone than ever. And then I found out that everyone else had someone they were close to. You had people you were close to. Who you’d told everything. Ronin. Phoebe. Everyone cares about you.” This might not be fair, but the summoner wasn’t particularly interested in being fair. ”And I had no one. No one I could trust at least. And certainly no one I could talk to.” Beatrix was a child, and all the houseguests were strangers, and all his old friends had moved on—not that Loren had expected them to be there for him, all things considered—and Remi. Well. Everything had always been far too complicated with Remi. ”So I took all that darkness in me, and for once I decided not to hate myself. I decided to hate the world instead.” And it had felt good, he wouldn’t deny that. If that made him a monster, so be it. Still, his teeth were chattering from the cold and the emotion and he sank down in the snow, unheeding of whatever else was going on around him. "I guess I couldn't even do that much right." It was too late to take it all back now.
loren
