sometimes love is all that can save us, sometimes love can kill a man
Padding silently behind, Remi shucked off his jacket and folded it into a small square before thinking better of it and placing it on the back of one of the chairs. It was a nervous sort of gesture, Remi clearly buying himself time. He'd only hoped he'd find the words to properly describe what it was he was feeling, how to capture the bright optimism inside of his soul. Only now, staring at Loren weak and weary as he seemed to be, Remi merely felt a reverberation of that exhaustion flutter through him.
But he'd asked for this, and he'd not put it off any more. It was now or never.
Looking down at his hands, his cheeks flushing with colour as feathers amassed in his curls, Remi swallowed nervously. "I do not have anything planned, so...I apologize for how this might...come out." Glancing up towards Loren and apparently debating something, Remi drew as near as he thought he could—a few steps away—and simply looked at he summoner for a moment.
"I love you, Loren." He began, eyes vaguely staring at some bit of thread on the summoner's shirt. "And I also love Ronin. More than I ever thought possible. I would never wish for a life other than the one I have with him...but I am far, far from perfect. I...do wonder, sometimes, especially when I am around you.." He didn't look up. Couldn't look up even as his breath caught in his throat. "I wonder what it would have been like, with you. What it was like to be with you.." Looking up nervously, Remi's eyes moved slowly up Loren's chest, to his lips, to his eyes, wavering there for a moment before guiltily looking away. "...I think I always will, if only remotely. Because there was a me who was with you that I cannot possibly know about anymore, a way I was that is now utterly lost. Taken." It wasn't merely inappropriate flashes that his mind provided, but insights into who Remi might have been and what he'd been like. A man that he...simply wasn't, anymore. "So yes, selfishly, I hate the thought of the ascended biting you, because I know how it will make you feel. I hate that I cannot always just...reach out for you, for a hug, or your hand, without worrying that I will feel something, that—" And this was the real honesty, so indicated by the flare of colour across the alchemist's cheeks and how his sea-glass stare wavered softly before rising. "Part of me wanted you to kiss me. Or...try. Not that...not that I would have let you, or actually wanted it, but.." Clenching his teeth together and ruffling a frustrated hand through his curls, Remi made a fist on the counter and sighed. " ..sometimes I can't not think about it, because it feels like the only window into the past I have anymore. But equally..."
Now he did look up in earnest, his boyish resolve easily written on his features. "...I only want Ronin. I would never be unfaithful to him, and though I..admittedly have made mistakes in showing that, he is all that I want." Not that it might have seemed like it, but in Remi's mind, that was the important part. That was the whole thing that mattered.
"So..awkward, as it might be at times and maybe with different rules...I do not want to be in love with you, Loren. I do not want to push boundaries or walk fine lines, and I do not think a friendship will take that, because for wherever my mind might wander, for whatever past we have, I really do only want him."
Hesitating for a moment, the alchemist swallowed trying to gauge just how the summoner was taking this. The pair had a history of a complete divide between intention and interpretation, and the last thing Remi wanted was for what was possibly their last conversation to be hopelessly misunderstood.
"You came back and so much happened with the blight and LongNight and all of it that I did not have time to think. You were just there, and I was vulnerable with Ronin gone, but....I will not let that happen again. So if you do not want to be friends, I understand. But know that things...will not be like they were." All awkward pauses and lingering looks. Remi had just now said all that those looks had ever meant to convey anyhow. "So..as a friend you may well hurt me, and I may hurt you, because the two of us can be quite stupid at times. But it will not be for love. I can promise that." So saying, he did manage to stretch out a hand towards Loren, palm up, shoulder the summoner accept.
But he'd asked for this, and he'd not put it off any more. It was now or never.
Looking down at his hands, his cheeks flushing with colour as feathers amassed in his curls, Remi swallowed nervously. "I do not have anything planned, so...I apologize for how this might...come out." Glancing up towards Loren and apparently debating something, Remi drew as near as he thought he could—a few steps away—and simply looked at he summoner for a moment.
"I love you, Loren." He began, eyes vaguely staring at some bit of thread on the summoner's shirt. "And I also love Ronin. More than I ever thought possible. I would never wish for a life other than the one I have with him...but I am far, far from perfect. I...do wonder, sometimes, especially when I am around you.." He didn't look up. Couldn't look up even as his breath caught in his throat. "I wonder what it would have been like, with you. What it was like to be with you.." Looking up nervously, Remi's eyes moved slowly up Loren's chest, to his lips, to his eyes, wavering there for a moment before guiltily looking away. "...I think I always will, if only remotely. Because there was a me who was with you that I cannot possibly know about anymore, a way I was that is now utterly lost. Taken." It wasn't merely inappropriate flashes that his mind provided, but insights into who Remi might have been and what he'd been like. A man that he...simply wasn't, anymore. "So yes, selfishly, I hate the thought of the ascended biting you, because I know how it will make you feel. I hate that I cannot always just...reach out for you, for a hug, or your hand, without worrying that I will feel something, that—" And this was the real honesty, so indicated by the flare of colour across the alchemist's cheeks and how his sea-glass stare wavered softly before rising. "Part of me wanted you to kiss me. Or...try. Not that...not that I would have let you, or actually wanted it, but.." Clenching his teeth together and ruffling a frustrated hand through his curls, Remi made a fist on the counter and sighed. " ..sometimes I can't not think about it, because it feels like the only window into the past I have anymore. But equally..."
Now he did look up in earnest, his boyish resolve easily written on his features. "...I only want Ronin. I would never be unfaithful to him, and though I..admittedly have made mistakes in showing that, he is all that I want." Not that it might have seemed like it, but in Remi's mind, that was the important part. That was the whole thing that mattered.
"So..awkward, as it might be at times and maybe with different rules...I do not want to be in love with you, Loren. I do not want to push boundaries or walk fine lines, and I do not think a friendship will take that, because for wherever my mind might wander, for whatever past we have, I really do only want him."
Hesitating for a moment, the alchemist swallowed trying to gauge just how the summoner was taking this. The pair had a history of a complete divide between intention and interpretation, and the last thing Remi wanted was for what was possibly their last conversation to be hopelessly misunderstood.
"You came back and so much happened with the blight and LongNight and all of it that I did not have time to think. You were just there, and I was vulnerable with Ronin gone, but....I will not let that happen again. So if you do not want to be friends, I understand. But know that things...will not be like they were." All awkward pauses and lingering looks. Remi had just now said all that those looks had ever meant to convey anyhow. "So..as a friend you may well hurt me, and I may hurt you, because the two of us can be quite stupid at times. But it will not be for love. I can promise that." So saying, he did manage to stretch out a hand towards Loren, palm up, shoulder the summoner accept.
sometimes love is a soft touch, or a line drawn in the sand
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
