From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
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Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
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She shrugs when he asks how, in regards to growing stronger. “It’s like.. With magic, at first it’s difficult to manage, but then as time goes on and you train, it gets better. I think it’s the same with dealing with sunlight.” She admits with a soft smile, another shrug. “Only instead of magic we get upgrades of sorts. Things implanted to help, like the fancy gift I got.” She informs him easily. It doesn’t bother her to have him know. She trusts him, cares about him. And besides, they’re friends.
There’s no hard feelings though when he jests to her about her comment. And instead she gives him a brighter grin. “Ah, let me change my profession.” She hums with laughter. “Though I will say that I think ‘professional distressed damsel’ sounds way better than ‘professional jail breaker’.” She grins, laughing lightly to him. “Definitely a step down.” A smirk is sent his way before she’s talking of her own experience with Frey.
It hadn’t really passed her mind it might be awkward to utter it, after what he’d said last time they met. Of still having feelings and the like, and the stunt Remi had pulled. Regardless, it was the truth, and people deserved to know it rather up front than hidden behind, right? She does notice his slump, but continues on. “I would offer to come with, but it might be dangerous.” She says, a slight gleam to her sapphire eyes as she looks to Loren. Something akin to being attached to the dangers of things.
She hasn’t quite learned that lesson yet.
At his comment about the room, she can tell his voice sounds a bit awkward, so she tries to adjust away from it. Again, she won’t force him, and so she turns just enough to lean her shoulder and side against him if he’ll let her – a friendly yet slightly dramatic gesture. “Yeah it’s a bit much.” She agrees, a slight smile crossing her features. “Lots of things going on, lots of things I didn't even know were possible.” There’s a slight snort at that.
Magic, Loren understood. These upgrades she spoke about, not so much, but if they operated similarly, along with her resistance to sunlight, he supposed he could accept that explanation. ”Lucky you. You get both. Though do the upgrades just...spontaneously manifest?” That seemed odd, though it was how it happened with magic. So maybe it was all weird, and he was probably just thinking about it too hard.
”Way more badass though.” Indeed, the Launceleyn would take a jailbreaker over a distressed damsel any day; while he didn’t mind helping and protecting people, he had little patience for those who didn’t at least try to help themselves. There were a surprising number of those, and he’d have thought they wouldn’t have lasted long in a world as harsh as Caido. Maybe they were just lucky, or less likely than him to run headlong into danger. Probably both.
On the subject of risky situations, having Rexanna along might indeed be a bad idea. Still, the summoner had offered to pass along her gratitude, not bring her. ”Maybe.” Not that danger stopped either of them from doing what they thought was right. Or wrong, sometimes. Lots of times. ”You offered to bring me to speak to The Voice, so I figured I’d return the favor.” That seemed only fair. Although it had more been him expressing a desire to speak to the mysterious goddess, but close enough.
Well, Frey had expanded the summoner’s mind, so at least he had a little bit better idea what Rexanna was talking about. However, something about the idea of being with a whole group of other real people freaked him out in a way that getting it on with a god (well, kind of, whatever) did not. Still, perhaps he could learn to be okay with it. ”Oh? Is that so? Like what?” And perhaps he could learn a few things from Rexanna, though even asking the question caused him to blush.
“I am lucky.” She replies with an air of dramatic confidence. She’s not. She’s not very lucky, really. And she gives him a sly smile as she shrugs her shoulders. “They just kind of appear. But they an be removed, I think.” She tells him, recalling how Wessex had mentioned wanting to take Lucas’ body back from the Portal… Despite the fact they hadn’t. And that the pieces, parts were gone.
At the mention of ‘professional jail breaker’ being more badass, she grins to him. “It is.” Her sapphire eyes search along his face with an air of amusement to her face as she shrugs to it. She would agree with Loren, if given the chance, that despite the riskiness with everything, it certainly is better to take the charge, to take the bull by the horns so to speak. But he speaks of Frey and shrines next, and she snorts in response. “That I did. Offer still stands.” She tells him maybe when Sam brings her to get new eyes, who knows?
Luckily, the conversation of orgies and bodies, of new things comes from the Summoner with a quiet question and a bright blush that Rexanna can’t help but to snicker toward. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” She teases, before settling in against the wall and rolling her shoulders. “It’s all a bit of a blur now. The room kind of changes your feelings on whomevers there. Like I went with Bastien, but we got paired off. I got Lucas, Bastien got Lily, Edy got Ezra.” She snorts, shrugging. “And then we all got each other at the end.” She glances over to Loren with a wink.
10-20-2019, 11:49 PM (This post was last modified: 10-22-2019, 06:30 PM by Loren.)
LOREN
Well, professional jailbreakers could afford to be a little cocky. Still, Loren hoped Rexanna wasn’t planning to just rely on luck to keep her safe. Spoiler: she totally was. However, he hummed in agreement at her comment anyway. ”That sounds...well you don’t feel pain.” However, the Launceleyn shivered at the thought of it; even if physically removing it didn’t cause pain, it would probably feel a lot like losing part of oneself. Which Rexanna was also ‘planning’ to do.
Now she was just getting a big head. Time to jokingly knock her down a few pegs. ”I’ve always found the most successful jailbreakers are those who avoid it to begin with.” Honestly, given how often he acted insubordinately—and how often he acted out—he was shocked that no one had slapped him in irons yet. Well, LongNight was still young and so was he. There was time.
Simply nodding in acknowledgement that the offer to visit The Voice together still stood, the Launceleyn felt his eyes widening as the blue-eyed woman explained how the sex room worked. Turned out, he didn’t really want to know. Resting his chin on his knees again, Loren shivered once more. ”I’m...I think that…” Sighing, he trailed off and turned his head so his cheek was resting on his knees and he was staring over at Rexanna. ”I’m not the...biggest fan of things that mess with my head.” Getting tortured by illusion magic would do that to a person.
There’s a slight shrug sent the summoners way, a crooked smile crossing her face as she considers it. “I imagine it’d be a very weird feeling though.” She offers, uncertain where they’d even start to try and remove them. She hopes she never has to find out what that’s like. But she will feel the vibration in the upcoming days, of the placement of these chipsets. And from it, a new type of fear will appear.
Ah but this is about this point in time, and she focuses her attention back on Loren with a huff of a laugh and surprise. “Oh come on, where’s the fun in that?” She teases, because she certainly has a way with getting involved in things that don’t particularly need her to be, to somehow manage to always bring it upon herself. At least she can say she’s a doer.
The fun of the moment seems to die a small amount as Loren grows quieter, and rests his chin along his knees, glancing to her from the side, and she nods in understanding. She doesn’t know the reason why, but she can guess. “That’s fair.” She offers contemplatively before giving him a smile to break away from the darkness. “On a lighter note, I think the Voice can activate it for a time? Bastien talked to her after the wedding and well… we weren’t in Lily’s room.” She admits, biting down on her lip as she snorts slightly. An effort to lighten the mood. She hopes it works.
It would definitely be strange, unlike anything even the summoner had experienced. Having a part ripped out didn’t just sound weird, though, it sounded horrifying, violating. Hopefully none of them would have to experience something like that. Thankfully, the conversation moved on to much lighter topics soon enough. ”I mean, no one ever accused me of being fun.” His voice came out in a wry drawl, since it was very much true: stubborn, kind, cruel, unthinking, loyal, hard-working, any number of adjectives, but not fun. Never fun. That had always been Neron’s calling more than the summoner’s. ”Still, it can be exciting avoiding punishment when I inevitably get into trouble.” Indeed, it seemed that for all his many, many mistakes, few actually held anything against him.
The smile was a welcome distraction; unfolding his body, he shifted into a cross-legged position and nudged Rexanna’s shoulder gratefully. Then it was his turn to grin momentarily as she revealed what had happened after the wedding. ”Really? That’s quite the wedding present. And here I was excited about my phoenix.” He let out a huff of laughter before his voice gained a bit of a curious tone to it. ”Though if she can turn that on and off on a whim, why does she get rid of your senses most of the time? Why not get rid of them when pain would be a distraction and give them back when you'd like to touch or taste something?” Maybe asking questions like that was a bad idea, but he was genuinely curious and not trying to be rude, offensive, or intrusive.
Pausing for a moment, he turned his head so he could look at the blue-eyed woman more closely. ”What’s it like? Being married, I mean.” Unable to prevent the wistful tone from creeping into his voice, he glanced down, fingers playing with a stray thread on his pants.
“I think you’re fun.” She announces quietly, whether he wants to hear it or not. When they first met, she had quite enjoyed the time going through the Rathskeller with him, finding all sorts of things, of etching into the wall of the bar, adding singes of flame to the marks. Regardless, she tips her head in agreement to him with a hum of a laugh. “Pfft, you? Troublemaker?” She jests just enough.
At the mention of wedding gifts though she snorts as he nudged her shoulder, and she leans into him slightly. “I loved your Phoenix.” She tells him with a whimsical sigh. “All the flame and wings.” But he goes on to talk about why the voice removed some and not all, and she shrugs. “Distractions, I’d assume? They’re nice… but not necessary.” She contemplates. “Sure, I do miss the sun and eating Amalia’s baking… But it’s not imperative if I don’t need to eat, don’t need the sunshine on my skin.” She hums thoughtfully.
But he asks her about marriage, and her head tilts on his shoulder to look to him. “It doesn’t feel any different really… Not this time. It’s just like I’m living with my best friend, with a few extra strings attached.” There’s a light smile at the end, before she shakes her head slightly. “The first time though, I was supposed to bring two countries together. To have a bunch of kids.” She shrugs once more. “Didn’t entirely work. No love, no trust, still made attempts to try though.”
Rexanna was almost certainly saying that to make Loren feel better. It was sweet, but not really what he needed at that moment. Probably never what he needed: after everything he’d been through in his life, he wasn’t sure he’d ever feel fully comfortable accepting a simple compliment. Indeed, he snorted, giving her a wry look. ”I guess there’s a first time for everything. Not sure me being fun has happened yet though.” Indeed, even their first meeting, while pleasant and enjoyable, had been more awkward than anything else. At her laugh, though, he faltered slightly, shoulders slumping forward just a little. ”I’ve certainly made enough trouble.” Rexanna. Remi. Ronin. Phoebe. Amalia. And more, who he’d hurt with careless words and even more thoughtless actions.
At the mention of flame and wings, a small ghost of a smile returned. ”Remind me to show you the dragon sometime. Or the pegasus.” Indeed, there was a whole host of fantastical creatures at his fingertips, and yet none of them seemed to be strong enough to fix all the mistakes he made. Probably because he was—or at least he was afraid—that he was still the weakling he’d been for so long. In mind, certainly in body, definitely in spirit, even if not in magic.
At her explanation of why The Voice wouldn’t keep their sensations on most of the time, the Launceleyn couldn’t help but frown. ”Surviving isn’t living.” It was a refrain he’d heard, thought, and said many times in the past, to himself and others; without the sun or the taste of freshly baked bread, or a thousand other small sensations and pleasures (and even pains sometime) it was hard to call it a full life.
But then again, the blue-eyed woman had filled her life with other joys. ”That sounds wonderful.” However, when she brought up her ex-husband, the Launceleyn flinched. He’d forgotten that particularly detail. In his mind, of course, her marriage to Bastien was the only real one. ”Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” Considering the summoner had come from a land of arranged marriages as well, he knew how loveless most of them could be. That was especially true for the Launceleyns. However, it seemed that maybe Rexanna had it worst of all.
She isn’t entirely saying it to make him feel better. It had been a good experience – especially with a man she had been charged with trying to find back when she arrived. At least she can check that off of her checklist, though she had forgotten about it for a time. And she shrugs it off, letting him believe what he wishes to believe, if only to not start the argument up.
Besides, she can bring the fun in their friendship, and he can learn how.
Regardless, she passes off the comment of making trouble, a slight smile crossing her face. “A still ocean is a boring one, right? Sometimes there needs to be a wave or two to keep things fresh.” She tells him, giving him a wink – she doesn’t harbor any hard feelings toward him, none at all for their argument of before. It wasn’t anything she couldn’t work around.
At the mention of his phoenix, though, she focuses on him easily – sapphire eyes soon to be gone eat up the imagery he tells her with a brighter smile that crosses her face. “Are they big enough to ride?” She asks curiously, wondering what kind of fun it might be to hop on the back of a Pegasus or a dragon and take off into the sky. But that’s neither here nor there, and conversation over her systems take root.
“While that’s true, I think I’m the happiest I’ve been.” And it’s true, she doesn’t have to wither away in her old age, in her body’s natural progression of things while her husband stays the same. It’s a relief to the both of them that they might be able to remain as they are. But he flinches when she talks of her previous marriage, and a brow lifts in silent concern, an arm reaching up to tug Loren into her for a hug.
“Don’t be sorry. It’s fine.” It’s an honest answer, and her head tilts lightly at the thought. “I kept it a secret for a long time here, and it feels… Good to talk about it sometimes.” She admits, a small amount of openness leaving her at her admission.
Thankfully, Rexanna moved on from Loren being fun. That didn’t mean he was going to spontaneously start being fun, though, even with her smile and quip about the ocean. ”I wouldn’t know, really. I’ve only seen the sea, never been on or in it. I don’t even know how to swim.” He was probably taking her comment far too literally, but again, he was the serious sort.
Unsurprisingly, the mention of his other summoned creatures elicited more than a bit of interest and a question from the blue-eyed woman. ”They are.” However, he tensed slightly at the comment. ”I’ve ridden the pegasus, and the dragon was much larger.” He gave her a chagrined look. ”It turns out I’m uh, afraid of heights. Or...maybe just afraid of my magic running out mid-flight.” Both, probably: it had been dizzying trying to maintain his spell, direct the flying horse, and be in the sky, even though he hadn’t been high enough to even seriously injure himself. Granted, his definition of seriously injured had changed quite a bit recently.
He smiled briefly at her next statement. ”I’m so happy for you.” He was being completely sincere; it was good that she’d found such peace and joy, after everything she’d been through. Then he found himself being pulled in for a hug. He was so startled that he didn’t react at first. However, he was significantly taller than she was, and the angle couldn’t have been easy for her, Ascended or not. Letting out a huff of laughter, he disentangled himself before resting an arm across her shoulders. ”But only when you’re ready for it. And...thank you. For trusting me with that.” Not before, not after. He, more than most—especially given all the hard conversations he’d had about his past as of late, with Remi mostly, but everyone really—understood that while it felt good to talk of the past, it was also hard, and not to be done lightly.
Biting his lip, he glanced over at her. ”Can I ask you something?” He wasn’t exactly sure what he wanted to ask. But it had something to do with the past, the present, and the future. Assuming he had a future: during LongNight, it seemed, all bets were off.
A wry smile crosses her face when he takes her ocean comment literally, and she waves him off in an almost ‘ugh’ kind of look, comical and dramatic, you can tell that Bastien has rubbed off on her. But it still earns a snort from her, appreciating it all the same. And she focuses on the creatures that he can summon, the size, the ability of riding said creatures away into the night. “Oh.” She says with a light hum of amusement. “That would be quite terrible.” She agrees, a shrug. The Penumbra has never been one for being afraid of heights, and perhaps before when she could still feel pain, she might’ve been more concerned about it.
In this form? Even a metal beam sticking out of her chest goes unfelt. It’s like nothing. And she gives him the brightest smile she probably ever has to him, as he mentions he’s happy for her. “Me too.” It’s an easy answer, because perhaps it’s selfish, but she feels as though she deserves it. Deserves to be happy after everything she’s been through. And it exudes in the hug that she pulls him into, startling him – but hey, he had told her that he’d gotten over his touch thing, and Rexanna as of late has become a bit more cuddly. Perhaps because she knows how fragile things are now, and she wants to ensure they know she cares about them.
It is an awkward angle, but it doesn’t hurt or anything, and as he disentangles himself and rests an arm over her shoulder, she leans into him a bit, a hum of agreement leaving her before she looks up at him. “Of course. What’re friends for?” She teases lightly before her smile falters. “The same goes for you, you know.” About his past, about whatever he wants to talk about. Anything or nothing at all. Perhaps knowing someone that wasn’t there like Remi was, might help make a difference.
It’s up to him in the end.
His question does bring a raise to her dark brow as she glances back to him, nodding slightly in a way that bounced her dark hair around her face. “Yes.” And she waits, uncertain of what his question is, but willing to let him at least ask it.
Unsurprisingly, Rexanna brushed off Loren’s response about the sea though she did appear to be at least a little bit amused by it. Small victories. Still, she seemed far more interested in his explanation about his summons. Her reply was an understatement if he’d ever heard one, though. ”Yes. It’s not something I’m looking forward to testing again anytime soon.” Unlike Attuned who could shift into a bird, his flying was definitely not innate.
The bright smile she sent his way caused him to smile back at her tentatively; the expression stayed there as she held him gently before they figured out a more optimal arrangement of limbs. His reaction to her hug had been genuine surprise and not adverse in the slightest. ”Well. I feel that I’ve told you this in much starker terms, but I don’t know what friends are for, really.” Indeed, he’d only really had two friends, and both of them had tried to sleep with him. Or vice versa: he wasn’t unwilling to accept how he’d been complicit in those interactions.
At the blue-eyed woman’s next words, the Launceleyn found himself awkwardly tensing. As soon as he noticed, he forced himself to relax. ”Oh. You’re, um, welcome?” He wasn’t exactly sure what he was supposed to do or say in response to that statement, but it was probably the exact opposite of what he’d done. It didn’t help that he fell silent for a while as he thought about what he wanted to ask—partially because he didn’t know what was actually bothering him and partially because he had no idea how to articulate it—brow furrowed all the while.
Eventually the summoner thought he had at least the outlines of it. ”This might come out wrong, so, apologies in advance and probably best to let me finish." He took a deep and bracing breath. "I...I don’t mind being responsible for people’s health, safety, and well-being. On top of that, I want people to be happy, I really do.” He found his head drifting to one side to rest on top of the Ascended’s, assuming she’d allow it. ”But I don’t...I haven’t figured out how to be happy, myself. And I can’t, I don’t know if I can be responsible for other people’s happiness, especially when it...conflicts with my own desires.” He let out a huff of annoyed air. Apparently he wasn’t as ready as he’d thought. ”Sorry. That wasn’t a question. Um...while I’m trying to figure out...who I am and what I want, how can I stop feeling guilty about others’ judgments? Especially because...they can’t know me, because I barely know myself.”
That was a terrible way to phrase it, he realized, and he figured he should just tell her what had prompted all this. ”I’m asking because everyone keeps telling me to let go of the past. But...Remi said that he was bothered by the thought of the Ascended biting me, jealous even. And he said that he often thought of what might have been if I hadn’t...left.” Gone crazy, but the details weren’t important. ”And I’m already plagued with enough self-doubt and constantly think about what ifs. I...don’t know how to deal with that from others on top of my own.” Well, one other, at least one other who’d articulated it so clearly. However, Loren had encountered people beyond Remi. While the Launceleyn was his harshest critic, he hadn't exactly endeared himself to many in the Hollowed Grounds.
”Plus I don’t...I mean, I’m lonely. I know you mean well, and I do want to be your friend, and I have Beatrix and Jace, and Peter, kind of, but I don’t...there aren’t people I’m close to. And, when, or if, I guess, I find them, I don’t want to feel guilty because I’m making others feel bad, or jealous, or upset because I...want to at least find pleasure, if not happiness with someone else.” He fell silent, eyes distant for a moment. Realizing he’d failed to actually wrap up his explanation, he glanced over at the blue-eyed woman a guiltily. ”Uhhhh, that’s it. Sorry. It’s...silly.” He could already feel his cheeks reddening with embarrassment.
Perhaps it’s not something he wishes to test soon, but it might be worth testing out their abilities again once Longnight is over, when they don’t need to worry as much about staying their utmost tip-top shape. And besides, magic could be finicky, and while Rexanna is a magic user herself, she knows this intimately well. While she can’t summon anything, she can understand the need to focus as much as anyone else. She had to focus hard on her fire when she fought the Mathair, and it had been so incredibly exhausting.
At the mention of him not knowing what friends are for, she simply shrugs. There’s time to learn she hopes, but makes no move to tell him that. Likely since he’s probably thinking the same as her – that Caido was brutal and their futures were as uncertain as could possibly be. But she still remained positive, always trying to, always doing her best to remain that way. Still, she nods to him, watching as he forced himself to relax. A “you’re welcome” while she wonders if she needs to try and ensure he knows that he can talk to her.
At least, until the silence departs and he apologizes in advance for the flood he’s about to unleash on her. But she takes his words to heart, letting him finish before she has a chance to respond, to figure out the details of where he’s going with it. She doesn’t mind when his head rests along hers, finding comfort in the small amount of touch. And at first, his words don’t really come out like a question, and confusion clouds in her mind just for a brief moment. Until, of course, he expands, into the question that he has harbored close to his chest, and she takes her own few precious moments to think on it too.
She nods when he says he wants people to be happy, that deep down he doesn’t mind. But at the same time, how can he help when he doesn’t know what it’s like on his end? Though it’s incredibly ambiguous, and her brows furrow slightly as she tries to think of who he’s mostly referring to, but the question hits her and in a way… She deeply understands the feeling he has.
But he goes on to explain, of letting go of the past, of how Remi said he was bothered by the Ascended biting him, and her lip feathers for a brief moment in her confusion at that fact. Hadn’t Remi been bitten quite a few times by now? He even suggested to bite him, her first bite… To turn around and tell Loren he didn’t want that? But she still remains quiet, allowing him time to digest and figure it out, before she focuses on the bits that stick out to her.
The what ifs, things she had asked herself many times too.
She nods encouragingly, to live a life without guilt is difficult, but it can be done. It only takes time, and a small bit of mind to stop giving as much of a fuck, which with Loren’s work here she’s uncertain if he can without spiraling down into the Loren she had met at the Manor, where poisoned barbs and glacial eyes met her. “Well, for starters…” She manages, tilting her head up to look at him with her sapphire gaze. “I think that… It’s unfair of Remi to think that, to put that on you. If he can go and live his life knowing how you feel about him and not feel guilty about it, it’s unfair for you to have to feel guilty for your own happiness.” Loren shouldn’t have to live in hiding, in seclusion from the Alchemist, just to keep him happy. They need to compromise. And besides, Remi is married. There had to be boundaries somewhere.
“As for the Ascended bites, he was the first to offer it to me to try it out so. He can’t really talk on that front.” She says, giving him a wink and a smile, but it fades as she continues. “I think that deep down, you’re an incredibly caring person. Sometimes it can come out harsh, protective, worried, but that’s who you are. And with everything, I mean… I don’t know much about your past, but if it was anything like mine, none of this is your fault. And you shouldn’t have to apologize for being who you are and doing what you want to do. It’s your life, Loren. Nobody else’s. Do what makes you happy, find what makes you happy, and go for it.”
She had, with Bastien, with her Ascension, with her friends and family new and old.
“I had to learn that the hard way… Mostly from Frey.” She shrugs. “I have always been… One that leaned heavily toward being a sacrificial lamb. And when Cal brought me to Halyven to face my crimes, well..” She pauses, brows furrowing. Perhaps he’d register the connection between the “C” on her chest and the name she’s said. “I escaped, and I fled my own country, the one I was supposed to be the Queen of, to let them plunder and pillage. Just because I didn’t want to face crimes I wasn’t guilty of.” Her lips purse slightly before she shakes her head. “And since then, until I met Frey here and they placed that curse on me, I just sort of thought I deserved it? That everything terrible that happened to me were because I had failed so many people, and that I needed to atone for it. They told me I didn’t. That the past was the past, and that I needed to move on and do things for me. There’s nothing I can change.” She leans into him a bit, pressing her head against his shoulder gently as if to get his attention.
And she smiles, brightly to him. “So stop sacrificing yourself for people that won’t thank you for it. Don’t be the sacrificial lamb. It’s your life, you control it. You do what you want. And if people don’t like it, then fuck ‘em.” A fanged grin is sent his way. “Maybe not literally, but well, I guess if you want to that’s a different story.”
Rexanna had a lot to say, which Loren supposed was fair, given how he’d unloaded on her. Unlike his jumbled and garbled mess of an explanation, her words came and clearly and coherently. And, wonder of wonders, they made sense. Still, he waited for her to finish—considering that she’d done the same for him, he thought that was best—before responding to what she said. ”Thank you.” That seemed like a good place to start. The depths of gratitude he sank into that word was nearly palpable, but already he could feel the barest hints of certainty stirring within him. Wonder of wonders, he thought he could do this.
”He didn’t put it on me. Not really.” The Launceleyn didn’t know why exactly he was defending the other man except that he disliked when others misconstrued his words and after everything the summoner had done to Remi, it seemed that Loren owed the alchemist that much. ”He said that he has no wish for any life other than the one he has. But because he loves me, somehow, despite the gods’ interventions, because he loves me and he loves unconditionally, there will always be a part of him that will wonder what it would be like to be with me, and to see that, to have that taken away again hurts him.” Saying it out loud made the Launceleyn realize how messed up he’d been and still felt about the whole thing. ”If it was anyone other than Remi I would’ve said that was manipulative, almost, and cruel, and even he admitted it was selfish and told me not to let it stop us from being friends. But…” The summoner’s voice trailed off, hoping that the blue-eyed woman would understand that he was having trouble reconciling the kind and gentle Remi, who only wanted the best for everyone, with the vision of the other man who was jealous and seemed to want the world for himself. She probably would, given the comment about the unfairness of it all.
It was good and right that the alchemist be happy and fulfilled (which is why the Launceleyn didn’t care about the other man’s Ascended bites). But not if it was preventing Loren from doing the same. Then again, no one was really stopping him but himself.
Actually, Rexanna did know about his past, the salient bits. He’d done a similar unburdening with her on the Bone Bridge. It had been about the Launceleyns: the oath, the upholding of strength as the virtue above everything else, their need for total obedience, and the torture they inflicted on the least among them to ensure it all. And he’d been that way for so long that he’d borne the brunt of it. ”I feel like all I do is apologize, sometimes. And I know that my worry for others often overrides my common sense and that I should ask what people want and listen more. It’s just not my first instinct, which is why I try to tell people that I am bad with words and why I try to do the right thing even if I do it in the wrong way.” He wasn’t getting better at that, but again, LongNight didn’t seem the time to try new things.
As the conversation swung toward Rexanna’s past and past behaviors, he gave her a little squeeze. He understood. He really, really understood, about feeling like he deserved the terrible things that happened to him because he was a bad person at heart; that he preferred to sacrifice himself, and his time, health, energy and well-being, than consider risking that for others; that doing things for others had always felt so much easier than doing things for himself. As for her comments about fucking, both metaphorically and then literal, well, when it came time to respond he let out a little huff of laughter and gave her another squeeze. ”Thank you, again. And I’m sorry that you went through that, even if I’m glad that this is the place it brought you eventually, both mentally and physically.” And by his side, though he wasn’t quite bold enough to say that.
Lifting his head, he leaned it against the wall behind him. ”I think...I think I’m ready to move on.” The wonder in his voice was nothing compared to the relief he felt in his mind when he admitted that, to her and to himself. He glanced over at Rexanna briefly. ”And if I’m being honest, I’m getting a little sick and tired of hearing about how I wasn’t here the past year, as if it wasn’t something I told myself every day.” Enough. He’d had a mental breakdown, had overcome that, and didn’t have to feel constantly guilty for how that had hurt people. Didn’t need to constantly feel the need to atone for his sins, both real and imagined. And if that meant occasionally hurting people he’d once known, well they kept telling him how they’d changed. So if they couldn’t get past his own metamorphosis, Rexanna was right: Fuck ‘em.
