I've lost control of all my senses

Sam was in such a state that he barely realised what was happening, his body taking over the motions for him. Jigano helped him into the building, the quick bandage wrapped around his hand enough for now; the others were in much greater pain. He sat with his head lowered on the chair he had been left on temporarily while Rexanna and Remi were seen to; he could not bring himself to look up and see them potentially at their last moments. Remi he had reasonable faith he would see again, but Rexanna? He had seen the last gasps of a life before, looked death in the eyes, and he had seen a hint of it in her already. Maybe to punish himself, maybe for something to do, he lifted a finger from his left hand and pushed the tip onto one of his stubs; the stain of fluid spread and a burning, intense pain came over the aching that had rested along his skin. Sam gasped and pressed harder, feeling skin and muscle shift beneath his touch, his arms shaking with the pain. He was so consumed with this masochistic task he didn't observe anything around him, for a moment alone with his self hatred. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

It had been a gruesome task, but they had accomplished it somehow, between the four of them. The beam had been removed from Rexanna's chest and it hadn't killed her in the process, thanks to his quick hands and Zuriel's swift healing. The Penumbra was with Deimos now, and Jigano was still wiping her fluid from his hands as he came back to check on Sam, after seeing Remi settled safely in with Amalia and Isla.

He was still reeling from Amalia's bitter revelations, Caiside's death, and Rexanna's near loss. They had left him weary down to his bones as he looked down at the maimed bookmaker, watching him pick at his lost finger stump like a child bothering a missing tooth. The bard didn't have the strength to shoulder Sam's guilt as well, not when his own lay so heavily upon his heart, but he couldn't just leave his friend, either. So he just sighed and pulled up a chair, leaving Sam to his self-destructive task for the moment.

"Alright," he said quietly, shoulders slumped and blue gaze dull with exhaustion and loss. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Sam lifted his head to watch Jigano approach, wondering if he was going to stop to speak. His finger rested on his stumps for the moment as his eyes followed his friend, the pain descending back down to a constant dull ache. He was mostly sure Jigano was not going to stop; honestly in his current state of mind he was surprised he had been let in at all. Didn't they all see he was guilty? So he was shocked when Jigano sat down opposite him and asked (and he sounded so tired, so weary) if he wanted to talk. Did he? He really didn't know. What was there to say? After their last conversation he was sure the Provost thought him an idiot and a coward and this could not help matters. Yet he found his mouth opening and before he'd had a chance to think them through, words fell out: "It wasn't meant to go like this. I don't... I don't want anyone t-to be hurt. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Rexanna...I wish...I wish what happened to her was me, instead, because it was my stupid fault--" Suddenly he looked down, his good hand going up to pull at his hair aggressively. "I don't even know if Bastien is alive and Remi...Remi was hurt too. He'll pretend it wasn't so bad because that's what he does, but I saw his face." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

It wasn't really so great of a leap to realize that the same way he had made Amalia feel small probably applied to Sam as well. Not that she'd been able to tell him what he said or did in any detail, making it hard to correct half a decade of behavior, but at least he could try. Before LongNight he might have been angry with Sam - not just for going out, but for hurting himself now that he was back - but now Jigano just nodded slowly.

It was never meant to go like this, was it? It was always other people who paid the price for one's own stupidity. Jigano knew that very well indeed, remembering how Amalia and Kiada and Caiside lost Caiside, killed in the night had been separated from him in the Greatwood, the women captured by the Fae while following his lead. At least when they had gone Underground to the library he had been the only one to receive an injury, but what had happened here...

Well. "She'll live," he said quietly, biting back the rest of what he wanted to say, remembering Amalia's furious dark eyes and the way she had held herself away from him. Ordering Sam about, telling him what he should do wouldn't help matters now. He watched the redhead pulling at his hair tiredly, and gave a small shake of his head. He didn't know what to say about Bastien, not when he hadn't even realized the artist had been involved, but he knew what Remi would say. "He'll feel worse if you keep hurting yourself," he said instead, knowing that he was guilt-tripping Sam into stopping his self-harm but too tired to feel guilty about it just yet. "Remi is strong. He'll be relieved that you and Rexanna are safe, and Isla and Amalia will heal him up in no time."

Sam nodded, aware that Rexanna would probably live. Ascended were strong, given new life by The Voice and Rexanna had always just seemed strong. Confident, like Bastien and Wessex and everyone else more competent than him. Jigano's guilt-tripping worked, but only in so much that it actually alerted Sam to what he was doing - his hand slowly came down from his hair, leaving odd lines in it. His head slowly rose again and his eyes met Jigano's. "I know that it was stupid to go out in Longnight. But..." He wasn't sure why he was trying to explain himself when he was almost certain it wouldn't make a difference, yet he explained himself anyway. "What you said about the Longnight monsters being Ascended, once. About The Voice tossing them aside. I wanted to go out and find a monster and see if I could talk to it." Saying it out loud now, he really did want to sink into the floor. "Because...because if they could talk, we might still get to save them." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

That Sam stopped poking and prodding at his wounds was all that Jigano had wanted, really. One set of injuries was more than enough without creating new ones. The Hall was practically awash in Ascended fluid at the moment. Most of it was Rexanna's, but some of it was Sam's. All it would take would be a stray spark from the hearth or a torch or even a candle to set the place ablaze.

Ah. But Deimos could control it now, couldn't he? Rex was in no shape to help, but the General should be able to deal with it, so that was one less thing for the bard to worry about. He was grateful for that, given how much he already worried over, and Sam was adding to it with every word. Part of the bard very much wanted to reach over and shake his friend, but now was not the time, not with the bookmaker still 'bleeding' clear into the bandages around his hand.

It was good that Sam knew that it had been stupid, but most of them at the Guild were planning similar foolishness, so Jigano held his peace until his friend had finished, and then he tilted his head at the bookmaker, watching him wilt but remembering what Remi had told him. "Save them from what?" he asked softly. "Save them... how?"

Jigano's questions seemed bizarre to Sam, was it not obvious? Still, he wasn't in any position to tell someone they were being idiotic, so he gestured around meaninglessly with his good hand and tried to bring words to his lips. "Well if they are Ascended, what if...what if they know they've become monsters? If that was me, I'd want someone to try and show me some mercy. To try and...help." His intentions had been good, but as he spoke it really hit Sam just how little of a plan he had. "I hoped I could get them to come with me to The Voice and maybe she could help them get back to normal. I wanted...to show you..." He looked off, sighing and staring at his ruined fingers, turning his hand back and forth. "..That she doesn't just throw us away. That they could still be saved. Lot of good that did me, hm?" Bitterly he smiled and looked up, sure Jigano had to be feeling rather smug about how correct he was on The Voice. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Sam hadn't felt the way the monsters had gotten into their heads last year, twisting and tearing at their emotions until only rage and the need to lash out and make others hurt the way they did was left. Sam had been safe from the effects of the Blight, which had done the same thing only slower. He didn't know how a monster could know they were a monster... and revel in it. Given how they had spent centuries killing others, consigning other souls to the dark, locked away from Mort's mercy (to say nothing of hunting and killing people with gleeful cruelty) it didn't exactly reassure Jigano that the creatures wanted help or mercy.

If that was what they were interested in, they could have just talked politely with people three hundred years ago and gotten it all sorted out at the time.

But Jigano's blood ran cold as Sam turned the cause of all the pain and near-death back on him. The reason Remi had been injured, that Sam had been maimed, that Rexanna was laying on the table with a hole in her chest was because he dared to criticize the Voice? Was Sam so determined to make Jigano the villain so he wouldn't have to look at the Voice's sins that he would pretend that this entire debacle had been the bard's fault?

"That depends on what you learned," he said, his weary voice barely above a whisper as he took in Sam's bitter smile, hands flexing on his knees to stop himself from reaching over and shaking the man who had become his first friend on Caido.

Part of Sam's sorrow was because he had firmly placed the blame nowhere but himself. He had realised that this whole thing was his doing, that he had acted selfishly, foolishly; he had hoped to tell Jigano he had been right with his words, but his emotions were everywhere and he could not articulate what he wanted to say. What came out was fragmented, in the wrong tone, mixed up. "I..." Had he learned anything? "I think I've learned I should just..." His left hand wandered over to his right again, now grabbing the back of his hand and pushing down on the stumps with his palm, hard. "I've learned I'm an idiot and there's a reason I should not have gone outside. I don't know who's right and everyone else has that worked out and I don't and I keep hurting people and-- and--" He was almost hyperventilating, breathing fast and desperate despite the lack of need for air, eyes staring determinedly off at something Jigano couldn't see. "Don't worry. I'm going to go away soon. When I can...when I can move again. You don't need to bother trying to help me anymore because I don't listen and I ruin it anyway. Fuck, I thought...last year, when I came outside, I thought...I could matter, but..." Shaking his head, Sam sunk his head down into his lap, sobbing with the sounds of a man entirely broken. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

'I should just' wasn't really an answer. Jigano had no idea what had happened even now, only that they had returned slashed to ribbons. Had the monsters communicated at all? Had they made any demands? Any bargains? They had heard laughter when Caiside had died, and Wessex had revealed that they had spoken to her last long night, but why had they attacked Sam's group?

There would be no other answer forthcoming. Not one that they could use to try and piece together some new information or salvage something from the trip; not yet, at least. Jigano's eyes widened as Sam tortured himself, and whatever his other feelings and frustrations for his friend he moved quickly to try and pry Sam's hand away from his wounds, exerting a strength far beyond his lean appearance as he attempted to prevent more damage. "Sam!" He could hear the hysterical note in the bookmaker's voice and he threw a quick glance over his shoulder towards Remi, wondering if the alchemist was in any shape to help--

No. Not yet, at least. Maybe not for awhile. He was on his own, and he would probably make things worse, but he tried to wrap his arms around the broken bookmaker, lending Sam a strength he didn't have. What he offered was the illusion of strength, an act of false facing and lies, pretending to be something he wasn't: pretending to be strong, and kind, and comforting, and all those things that Amalia had needed him to be and that he had failed her in. Better the gentle lie than the cruel truth of the man behind the mask, wasn't it?

"Sam, Sam, you aren't going anywhere," he said softly, patting the bookmaker's back with awkward care. It was so strange to hear him swear, and that more than anything worried the bard. "You're still my friend, still my guildmate. Do you really think I'd let you go off and hurt yourself without a fight? That Remi would? What about your young man - Nate, isn't it? He needs you here, by his side. Evie needs her brother. Mia needs you, too. You matter a great deal to all of us, Sam. You matter. I promise."

A glass on the mantel very near the two begins to shake slightly, then falls and shatters on the floor.

Sam glanced up as Jigano took his hand away, watching it be pulled as if it had nothing to do with him and he was surprised it had been where it was in the first place. The ache of his wounds, almost cold and tingling, was the only true evidence that he'd even pressed down, the moment already getting jumbled in his head. He was dragged into Jigano's arms and ridiculously he had the first clear thought he'd had in a while, which was: But Jigano doesn't like hugs. Regardless he leaned in and listened to the list of people that cared for him - the reminders were both a comfort and a further pain, all the people he had to disappoint and hurt whenever he eventually did snap. "But...but I've failed you, you told me not to do things for The Voice and I did anyway and I still don't know if I was right or not or if you were and I want so badly to be your friend again but--" Before he could continue his ramble, the sound of glass shattering rang out and he shot up, flinching hard and staring at the broken remains on the floor. Sam's eyes slowly widened and he shook his head just slightly, a whole new horror coming in to join his mind. "Oh...J-Jigano, the monster...it said we were marked....is this...do you think this is...oh, I've made such a mess." He leaned forward and picked up a piece of the glass in his remaining finger and thumb, turned it over in the light. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

"You never stopped being my friend," Jigano chided the bookmaker with weary affection. He was about to say more when the glass shattered next to them and Jigano twisted to put himself between Sam and whatever was attacking, reaching for the sword at his side on pure adrenaline-fueled instinct. There was nothing there, of course, just a broken glass lying menacingly on the floor with no indication of how it had fallen.

"Sam," he said, very slowly and clearly now that the bookmaker's tears had stopped. "Can you stand up? I want you to follow me... and while we walk I want you to tell me exactly what happened, as best you can remember it, alright?" The exhaustion that had colored his voice before was gone, momentarily hidden by the urge to fight or flee. It was an urge the bard had long practice harnessing, and he reached back to try and take his friend's unwounded hand while he unhooked the lantern from his belt and began to walk further into the Guildhall, heading towards the back of the building with a light and silent step.

"Start from the beginning, and work your way to the end, like you were writing a chapter in the chronicle book." What did he mean, 'marked'? But the luxere had guarded the door, their light keeping the monsters at bay once Remi had flown the Ascended safely back to their circle, and Lily had shut the door tightly behind them. If something was in the Hall with them it had come in earlier.

Step by slow step, Jigano led the way back to the room where they were keeping the dead.

"...Oh." Sam said simply, genuinely surprised. He had thought after their last argument, where Jigano had seemed to be so against his choices, they were...not enemies, but certainly not friends. He had mourned the loss of the friendship; he began to wonder if he had been premature in thinking it was over. He looked at the glass in his hand a moment more before putting it down on the seat, slowly standing up with Jigano. Trying to tell the story all in order would be difficult (when he was upset about something, it felt like his brain cut it up into a million pieces and jumbled them around, stacking them on top of each other until it became too much to carry. But he wanted to make an effort for Jigano so he took a deep breath and spoke quietly as they walked. "Before Longnight, I had my idea that the monsters might be able to be...helped. Or made back into normal people. I asked Rexanna and Bastien to help me, because I thought it might help them to see other Ascended, if that's what they once were." It sounded almost childish now, when he said it out loud, the plan to connect with the monsters. "Remi...I asked Remi because he's strong and I trust him, and I was scared to go out. Honestly, he's probably the only reason Rexanna and I are still alive right now." And he was the reason Rexanna was blind. He sighed. "I waited with Remi outside for Rexanna and Bastien to arrive but...Rexanna came alone. I didn't get a chance to ask her where Bastien was. I...assume he's alright, because she didn't seem to be too upset." But perhaps she was just good at guarding her emotions. "A monster came nearly right away, so I activated my barrier - oh, I have a barrier now that shocks things if they get close - and I tried to talk to it. Ask questions, like why they attack and if they wanted to speak to The Voice and things. It...wasn't interested in answering." The memory of the strange, scratching, vile voice made him curl his nose and tense his shoulders. "We tried for a little longer then it started to try and attack us, so...I asked Remi to make a net...um..." It sounded so stupid. "I thought...maybe we could capture a monster and bring it to the light and we might be able to see what it was, or maybe talk to it if it was weakened. We caught it, me and Rexanna, and we started walking back." For a moment then, he had thought they had been successful, but it very swiftly went poorly from there. "Well, then they overwhelmed us. Me and Rexanna used our ability to be invisible but...before she could, her eyes...it was like they were eaten by insects..." He shook, as if trying to knock the memory out of his mind. "We went back towards the guild but I thought Rexanna might be able to go faster if she went straight ahead on the board...I...didn't know how it worked. I thought she'd be able to stop, but she fell..." He looked at his mutilated hand and turned it over. "When Rexanna was gone, I knew I wouldn't be able to get the monster to the guild by myself so I...thought I could try and touch it. Maybe it would help or at least I could tell if there was a person in there...and...well." Sam thought it was probably obvious what had happened next. "Then we were here." It was a relief to have it all told and out. With the story over, he suddenly found himself back in the present. "...Where are we going?" Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child