this ain't for the best

& all we are is skin and bone, trained to get along

"If you have to ask, I suppose it does not matter." The alchemist replied, running a frustrated hand through his curls.

"Well then I suppose it was all just serendipitous that you decided to stay." Remi didn't believe a word that came out of Loren's mouth. At every twist and turn it seemed Loren went against his word.

"Because Cera mattered." He replied instantly, the muscles of his jaw tightening. Then his expression dissolved into something close to a sneer, or at least as close as someone like Remi could come to such a cold and hostile display of emotion. "Oh so you did hear about our fire. We are all right, thanks for asking. Our entire home and possessions gone in a matter of minutes, monsters bent on burning everything down, but please, do use it to your advantage so you can win an argument." So saying Remi grit his teeth together and looked up towards the ceiling. "If I could have gone back for him, I would have. Unlike when you left him, Cera's body was consumed instantly."

Whatever inclination Remi might have had to believe Loren was immediately swamped by how the summoner simply turned away. As he always did. Sighing and shaking his head, Remi merely closed his eyes, fingers tapping unhappily against the page as he waited for the feelings of betrayal and the complete loss of a friend to settle somewhat.

The white sheep of the family

Even though the alchemist’s tone caused Loren to flinch again, he stood where he was, voice firm. ”Cera mattered, yes. But did his body? Enough to risk lives over?” He sighed. ”I know you’ll say yes, because you risked your life for it. But I don’t think that was a risk worth taking.” As Remi talked about the fire, though, the summoner bit his lip. ”I’m sorry. For bringing it up, and for your loss. It's awful, on top of everything else you've lost already.” Despite everything, his voice came out truly apologetically, though it didn't stop him from walking away.

Although he knew that he should’ve just left well enough alone, the Launceleyn felt his nostrils flaring. So after dumping his armful of texts, he turned and marched right back to the alchemist’s desk. ”Listen. I am truly sorry for all the pain I caused you. And Ronin. I don't know how many more times or ways I can say it, and at this point I seriously doubt you'd even believe me." He paused for a brief moment, lips pressed into a line.

"But you have caused me pain as well.” Loren’s voice quivered somewhat. ”And you haven’t bothered apologizing for any of it, or even admitting it. At least not lately. Not to me.” Loren’s voice came out shockingly steady, though pain lurked in his eyes. ”At least I am trying to make amends. Poorly, but trying." He took a deep, shuddering breath as his fists clenched.

"I don’t know what you want from me, Remi. I don’t know if you even want anything from me.” His voice trailed off as he bit his lip. ”I don’t know what anyone wants from me.” His eyes searched the other man’s features for some hint of what he was feeling. ”But maybe figure it out before you go around making accusations about me. And if you have a problem with me, at least do me the courtesy of talking to me about it, instead of stewing.” Loren held his breath, trying to keep further words from spilling out.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

& all we are is skin and bone, trained to get along

"I am sure you and Abasi will have many lively conversations about just that." Remi replied with a wounded sort of shrug. "You have a funny way of showing it." Not asking about the fire, not offering his condolences prior to bringing up; only sending a half-assed note and a blanket apology. Given just how much Loren seemed to like offering rooms in the manor to all the attractive men of the Hollowed Grounds, Remi was more than a bit annoyed that no such invitation had been offered to he and Ronin.

So as Loren left, Remi exhaled a steady and concentrated stream of air. He hated how easily riled the summoner was constantly able to make him, but what he hated more, was how absolutely willing he was to endure it over and over and over again. So it was that as Loren stomped his way back over, Remi raised his gaze willingly enough. "No I do not, because you keep doing things that are hurtful." He said, his face an unhappy mask as he leaned back into his chair.

"And what pain is that, Loren?" He asked, genuinely curious if not a bit defensive.

Raising a brow at what the summoner said next, Remi folded his arms across his chest and fixed the summoner with a stare. "I am not sure I owe you many courtesies. You said you would come to the guild to help us, knowing we were planning on leaving daily. You did not, nor did you mention at any point that you had changed your mind. Did you ever ask how I fared? How we all did?" Pausing then as colour flushed across his cheeks, he held up a hand to clarify. "My mistake. You did speak to Rexanna." There were apparently people Loren did care about enough to speak to. Remi just wasn't one of them. "Before now, did you mention at all to Ronin and I anything about the guild? About all we lost?" Shaking his head he leaned back so that the front two legs of the chair were off the ground, balancing easily there. "You apologize over and over, but nothing ever changes. I am not stewing Loren, but nor do I see the point in this. We argue and then when we seem to finally land upon something that resembles friendship, you go off and do whatever it is you want and act in a way that shows that whatever this is, friendship is not it. "

The white sheep of the family

”You have assumed the worst of me at every turn. And you let me think there was a possibility of friendship, then took it away, after I told you repeatedly I would need to learn to be a friend to you.” As Remi responded to Loren’s own tirade, the tension drained out of him. Rubbing his eyes, he sighed. ”You’re right. I should have been more considerate. I should have asked after you, and thought about you and your well-being, and told you my plans. I am sorry that I failed in that” Gazing at the alchemist, the summoner clasped felt his hands opening and closing helplessly.

Then though he forced himself to still. ”So I'm supposed to stop and consider how every single thing I do might impact you? How it might come across to you? And then talk to you about every decision of mine?” His voice came out without inflection.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

& all we are is skin and bone, trained to get along

"No Loren, I assumed the best of you at every turn." He said giving his once-friend a deeply wounded look. "But even my naivety has its limits apparently." Sighing, Remi looked down into his lap for a moment. "I never once took it away." He said in a voice just above a whisper.

At yet another apology, Remi merely raised a brow and shrugged. "Yes, you should have." He agreed sadly. But the alchemist was nearly drowning in apologies from Loren, and without any thing to ever suggest the man's behaviour might change, he indeed was beginning to be crushed by them. The words were simply hollow now.

"The obvious ones, yes. That is a bit about what being a friend is about. When you make a commitment to me that you are going to break, yes you should think about how that is going to effect me. When you start seeing someone new, yes, perhaps that is the sort of thing you might mention. When you send a vague note of apology instead of coming to see Ronin and I, yes that is the sort of thing you might stop and consider." Remi replied, the emotion in his voice starkly contrasted against Loren's toneless queries.

The white sheep of the family

This time, when Loren’s fists clenched, his nails dug into his palms hard enough to draw blood. ”You told me it was my choice.” His voice came out softly, tentatively. Biting his lip again, the summoner stared at Remi with uncertain eyes. ”So I am sorry that I did not tell you about it. But...I cannot apologize for making it.”

Sighing, he ran a nervous hand through his hair. ”I didn’t...I don’t even know where things are going with Abasi. If things are going with Abasi. It was new, and unexpected, and I didn’t trust it, so I just...wanted to be sure. Especially because of...because of what we talked about.” He swallowed against the lump in his throat. Spreading his hands helplessly (exposing the small cuts there), he stared at the other man with exhaustion etched into every feature. ”Every single time I go to see Ronin it ends poorly. So I figured I would give you both time and space to figure out if you even wanted me in your life in any capacity. Togehter.” He did his best to keep the sorrow from his tone.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

& all we are is skin and bone, trained to get along

"I never asked you to." Remi agreed, green eyes returning Loren's uncertain blue stare. "But I can be unhappy that you made it."

Looking down at the book on the table, Remi tapped his fingers uncomfortably against it. "Given that he told a near stranger that you were his romantic partner, perhaps it is a conversation you ought to be having with him, and not with me." As Loren said what we talked about, the alchemist shot him a wounded look, before glancing away. That the man couldn't even say the words just seemed to echo of shame, and in response, colour flashed across Remi's cheeks.

"That is a cowardly answer." Remi said dully. "Every time I go to see you in ends poorly, but that has not stopped me." Then, with a wry shake of his head he added: "Though perhaps it should have."

The white sheep of the family

Sighing again, the summoner rubbed at his temples. ”Then I’m sorry for upsetting you.” At this point, his voice came out more dull than anything else, given the number of times he’d apologized in this conversation alone.

As Remi admitted that Abasi had talked about their relationship, though, Loren’s eyes snapped up. ”He...he did? Really?” Although it was probably inappropriate, he couldn’t keep the incredulous joy and hope from creeping into his tone. Coughing to cover his embarrassment, the Launceleyn rubbed a palm against his thigh. ”I’ll uh, I’ll talk to him.” Even though he knew he shouldn’t, he smiled a little.

It slipped away as the other man flung another accusation. ”Maybe. But I also legitimately thought it’s what you needed. Wanted.” The summoner held up his hands in a placating gesture. ”Okay. Then...let’s sit down? The three of us?” His voice came out tentatively, but with a little bit of hope as well.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

& all we are is skin and bone, trained to get along

Remi raised a brow slightly. "How else do you think I knew? But yes. He mentioned it within about a minute or so of having met me." Not that the alchemist would have expected his name to come up in the early days of pillow talk, but there was still something rather arresting about how cavalierly Abasi had mentioned it without knowing who or what Remi had been to Loren. "He seemed quite smitten with you." The alchemist agreed with a small smile.

His too disappeared though as he gave the summoner a hollow sort of look. There was so much he might have said in response, ways in which he was right and Loren was wrong, but what was the point of it? He couldn't simply argue Loren into being a better man, just as the summoner couldn't argue the alchemist into accepting him as he was. Neither of them seemed to know how to be friends with one another, not without constant criticism.

Without necessarily thinking of it, Remi's fingers had begun tracing the wagon on the cover of the book. "We will not be here for much longer. As soon as the wagon is built, I think..." Trailing off, Remi looked slightly towards the ceiling with a sigh. "...I do not think we will be back, for a while."

The white sheep of the family

Loren hesitated, fingers tapping on his thigh again. ”I don’t know.” He frowned as he considered the answer. Then he shook his head, since it wasn't that important. As Remi commented how Abasi seemed to think of the Launceleyn, he blushed a furious crimson. "Yeah it's...it's good. He makes me...happy." Although he tried to prevent it, a slightly apologetic and defensive tone crept into his voice.

Simply staring at the alchemist, the summoner's brow furrowed. "So that's a no?" He couldn't keep the hurt from his tone again, but at least he spoke without hesitation.

"Where will you go?" Frowning, he gave Remi a concerned look. "I know you and Ronin are strong but if you go to Halo, be careful. Someone claiming to be my twin is in charge there and...I think Zariah is there as well."

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

& all we are is skin and bone, trained to get along

To this, Remi had nothing to say. He was of course happy for Loren, having never wanted his once-friend to pine all alone and for all of eternity. He just...wished the Launceleyn had perhaps had a bit more respect, or forethought. Everyone grieved and moved on differently, but Remi couldn't honestly say that he wasn't a little wounded with how fast Loren had done so, orgasm quests aside.

"What would the point be? Honestly?" Remi asked, genuinely curious now, his tone free of sarcasm or challenge. "We would all sit down and apologize again, but then...ultimately we would leave. I think..the damage has been done..." That was perhaps the hardest fact for Remi to come to terms with, but perhaps the most important. Much as he wanted everything to work out, it seemed more than just bad luck and poor judgement that it hadn't so far. Thin lines between love and hate, and all that.

"Deimos mentioned Zariah was there as well." As for Neron? "I stayed out of his way well enough in the past. And I am not the poor commoner that either of them knew before." Remi said with a light shrug, the muscles of his arms flexing unconsciously as he sat a bit straighter. "Despite this whole portal guardian ascended thing, I hope not to stay in Halo long. I hope to make it to the sea.." So saying, a private and bashful smile tugged at Remi's lips for a moment.

The white sheep of the family

Loren bit his lip. ”I thought the point was to at least try and make a friendship work, no matter how hard it was.” However, his tone was about as far from certain as it was possible to be. He winced at Remi’s comment about the damage being done. ”So that’s it then?” However, he found himself shaking his head. ”What about the shells, or even the parchment? Even if you leave I can...I will stay in touch. If you let me.” The Launceleyn found himself holding his breath.

He let it out as the alchemist talked about the summoner’s relatives. Frowning, he gave the other man a quizzical look. ”What portal guardian thing?” The frown dissipated and the corners of the Launceleyn’s lips quirked up at the sight of Remi’s smile. ”I hope you make it there too. If anyone can, it’s the three of you.”

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

& all we are is skin and bone, trained to get along

"Is it though? I am not even sure we like each other at this point." Normally when you were fond of someone you didn't criticize everything they did the way that he and Loren seemed to. Raising a brow at the mention of the shells and the parchment, the alchemist could only shrug uncertainly. "You cannot keep doing this, Loren." Remi said after a moment. "You wait until the very last moment and then claw your way back towards friendship. But the rest of the time? When you act like you only care about yourself? You push me away and only when I say I will finally leave, do you ask me to stay. But I cannot keep being like this, with you. You have to care before it all crumbles, not after." There was no judgement in his voice now, no anger. Just sadness. The truth was, Remi really had no idea how much more of himself he could give to someone who treated him so selfishly. He didn't know how many more apologies he could hear.

"Oh. I would have thought you would have heard by now." Remi replied, swiping a hand wearily across his eyes. "A group of us are meant to guard the portals and keep the ascended from activating more of them." The disdain in his voice was more than evident.

The white sheep of the family

Rubbing his hand against his arm, Loren looked away. ”I like you. I just...I know I have a shitty way of showing it.” The Launceleyn’s voice came out quietly. Then he took a deep shuddering breath. ”I know. I...I know this is unfair. But…” He bit his lip and stared at the other man. ”I can do better. I am trying to do better. I want to.” Hesitating, he shifted his weight from side to side. ”I know I don’t deserve this, but...one more chance. You’re leaving soon anyway so...if I fuck up again, you never have to see or hear from me again, unless you want to.” He was pleading at this point.

As Remi explained, the summoner shook his head. ”No I hadn’t heard.” Frowning, he gave the alchemist a considering look. ”What does that mean? And...how will you get to the sea if you’re...if you stop the portals from being activated?”

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!