A drop in the bucket

((this thread immediately follows the events of Trying My Best (OPEN)))

They walked quietly back towards the Sanctuary, both lost in thought and letting the words of the day sink in. Jigano led the way down the Guildhall with a somber tread to his soft steps as they passed the comforting shelves of books on the main floor and reached the metal-shod doors, finally repaired of Edrei's message. He glanced back to offer his friend a weak smile as he unlocked the door headed down to the softly-lit main hall, the chemically-fluorescent chandelier warming the room with a faint golden glow.

"I'll get the bottle and something sharp," he murmured, wincing even as he said it. "I don't know what's better for you... a single deeper cut? But it might hurt a lot more than shallower ones would. I just don't know how many shallower ones you'd need to make with your fast healing." He ducked into his office, returning a moment later with the bottle that had once held one of the reactive chemicals for the artificial glowstone that was the centerpiece of the Guild's chandelier. Now it was cleaned out and set aside for some future use - a use such as it was being put to today, as it turned out. The bard held a sharp letter opener as well, that he set on the table within Sam's grasp. His frustration for the bookmaker's religious affiliation faded to concern as he reached out to touch the back of his friend's pale hand with gentle fingers. "If it hurts too much, we can stop anytime," he assured him quietly. "You decide when you've had enough." It was a gift that Sam was giving him, after all, and he didn't want to abuse his friend's generosity.

On the walk back, Sam nearly left several times. Made up some half-hearted excuse about forgetting something at home and ran away, never coming back to give Jigano the fluid. Something though, despite his instincts, kept him walking next to the bard; perhaps it was a sense of loyalty or some desperate attempt to cling onto his old life, but he couldn't deny the man this, even after all that had been said. As they headed into the hall and Jigano began to ask him about cuts, Sam laughed - bitter and sad at the same time; he couldn't help saying: "I have experience in cutting myself. I know how to do it." It was painfully revealing, vulnerable, but he was not in the frame of mind to hold his words back. "Besides...I no longer feel pain. The Voice took it away." He was sure Jigano would have opinions on that, but frankly he didn't care to hear them. Taking the letter opener he held his wrist over the bottle. Despite his reassurance that he knew what he was doing, he hesitated anyway for a moment, blade still against his skin. Then he shut his eyes and made the cut, clear fluid oozing up out of his skin right away. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

The bitter laugh broke his heart even before Sam spoke, but the words were a bitter reminder of what Sam had told him about his family life before Cornelius had taken him under his wing. The bookmaker had revealed as much before, but the bard had become so used to Sam's mix of cowardice and bravery, stubbornness and surrender, that he had almost forgotten that the redheaded man had used to be someone else.

That he was even now becoming someone else again, a man that Jigano almost didn't recognize, as zealous as Amalia in his own way, though where Ama had been sworn to protect life, Sam seemed more and more willing to take it as the Voice's nebulous ends seemed to always justify any means necessary.

And he did indeed open his mouth to protest as Sam informed him that the Voice had taken something else away, rendering the ginger a little less human, a little less part of the world every time he prayed to her. Soon would there be anything left? But he closed his lips on the words, shoulder slumping as he finally admitted to himself that they would do no good, if all his arguments at the Ruins had been unable to reach his friend.

Sam had always sought the easy way out, and the Voice was willing to give it to him. A fantasy life, an eternal childhood, where pain didn't exist and she soothed away consequences and took the most difficult choices out of his hands for him. He watched instead as the letter opener pressed into pale skin, a wince flickering over his face, at least, as it separated flesh and the shimmering clear fluid began to run into the bottle.

"Does Remi know?" he asked instead, quietly, remembering that trip taken with the two of them into the Underground to see the Voice, back before she had shown her true nature with her threats and blights and murders.

Jigano said nothing to any of his words and Sam found himself grateful, already regretting them. He had felt himself slipping into a strange dark place recently where all he wanted to do when he felt bad was lash out, hurt, make someone feel bad; it seemed getting out of one phase of his mental pain had meant leaping into another, where he was like a volatile bomb in the hands of anyone with a mean word for him. Tilting his wrist for the fluid to drip better into the bottle he watched it slowly begin to pool within - he wasn't sure how much Jigano needed. Not quite all in the moment, he watched the liquid drip, pondered on how it always seemed a little thicker than blood. Jigano's voice drew him out of his thoughts and he glanced up with a 'hm?' before he understood the question; though he still did not really know why it was being asked. "Ah...No, I don't think I've had a chance to mention it to him yet. I haven't seen him since. Why?" Did the bard think he had to run everything he did by Remi? The Alchemist had always been content to let Sam follow his own path. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Jigano watched the fluid drip as well, studying it closely for the first time, really. He'd seen his Ascended friends hurt before - Rex most recently came to mind - but always in those situations it had been far more important to get them patched up and out of danger than to worry about their strange blood-replacement. He'd known it was clear but not realized that it had some iridescence to it. There was a sort of macabre fascination in watching the thick stuff drip.

He nodded slowly as Sam said he hadn't seen Remi since, giving his old friend a wan smile. "I suppose no reason, just curiosity. When he first made that patch for you the Voice told us that the pain was part and parcel with the other sensations, that it would be irreversible if he gave it to you. I'm sure he would be overjoyed to hear that threat was a lie." 'Flawed,' she had called Sam's desire to feel sensations again. The patch itself a flaw she had been reluctant to allow, but for Remi's quick tongue and convincing arguments to allow it - as a way to gain Sam's trust. Perhaps it would have been better if she had refused, but they couldn't go back now and change things.

With both their eyes focused on the fluid dripping from his wrist, Sam felt an uncomfortable attention being paid to the parts of himself that were unhuman, especially with the conversation topic of his lack of pain. "I didn't see it as a threat." He looked up with a slight frown, wondering how much of the argument between them about the Voice was simply different interpretations of the same words. "Just a truth. At the time, I wanted every sensation. Taste, temperature, pain...she warned me it would come and I accepted that. Now, she gave me a choice to get rid of it, and I did. I've experienced enough pain for a lifetime." Perhaps that was dramatic, but it was true; between his fingers during Longnight and the biting cold of Halo looming, it seemed sensible to dull his sense of agony. Watching the bottle slowly fill, he turned his head to the side to see how much had flowed in. About an inch, so far - the fluid's thick nature made it quicker than blood to fill a space. "Is that enough?" Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

"The threat was more for him than for you," Jigano said softly. "We all knew that you would jump at it, regardless of the cost. But she wanted Remi to know that his gift would cause you pain." No mention, he noticed, of the lie she had told to them, that the pain function would be irreversible forevermore. But then, Sam was very good at hearing what he wanted to hear... and not hearing what he didn't.

He could only nod slowly to Sam's insistence that he had suffered enough pain in his twenty-seven years, not trying to argue how pain was a lesson, how it served as a warning and a reminder not to make the same mistake twice. Not all pain had purpose, of course, he wouldn't argue that. But overcoming pain, learning what you could do in spite of it, was worth something, too. It helped put things in perspective, if nothing else... a perspective Samuel had deliberately thrown away after having regained it for a short time.

Jigano could only hope that his friend wouldn't come to regret that decision some day.

Awkwardness was the name of the day, and Jigano looked down at the fluid scintillating in the jar with a thoughtful frown. "I'm... not sure," he admitted hesitantly. "I don't know how many tries it will take to get it right, or how much it'll take to get the defensive magic to stick. I suppose just... as much as you're willing to share. Or... how much would you take from someone you were biting?" he said quietly. How was that for a reversal? Normal it was the Ascended who took the blood of others. It seemed strangely appropriate.

"..Oh." Sam supposed Jigano was right. Still, he wasn't sure it meant all that much in the long run - he'd willing taken on the pain with everything else, had even in some ways enjoyed getting to feel it. [b]"I...made sure to let him know anything that happened as I result of it wasn't his fault. Or...at least it says I did, in my diary." He looked off uncomfortably at the memory...or indeed, lack of memory, of his decision to erase his mind. If pain was a lesson, it was one he was tired of learning. Sam had little patience for anyone looking to tell him the things he'd been through were good for him; others had much less harrowing lives and still went on to be decent, respected people. Now that he was coming into his own more, he'd found so many opinions and thoughts inside himself he hadn't put words to before; now they were out in the open though, he felt them strongly. Jigano's question made him frown as he thought about it. It likely wasn't a totally fair comparison, given the differences in thickness between blood and fluid, but he relented. "Well, it would depend on the context. If I was just drinking to use their abilities if I needed to, as little as I could. Less than this." When he was forced to, he always tried his best to take as little as possible. "But...ah.." Clearing his throat, Sam kept his eyes on his wrist. "If I'm with Nate, who um...likes the biting and drinking...I take as much as I can and still be sure he's safe. Or...I guess...that's not a concern, now he's Ascended too? I...anyway. The point is, it changes." The cut was beginning to clot and dry up now, fluid stitching his skin back together the strange, slightly mechanical way it usually worked. "...If...if this isn't enough, you can ask me for more later." He offered. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Jigano simply nodded reassuringly, not blaming Sam for that part of things. Remi had made the item of his own free will on the bard's suggestion of the bookmaker wanting to experience sensation again. The Voice had disdained it, but been willing to allow it, seemingly hoping that the promise of pain would be enough to deter either alchemist or Ascended man. Sam had accepted it in the spirit it had been intended, and of his own free will. Remi had agonized over giving it to him, but in the end... in the end it had been Sam's choice, and no one's fault at all.

No, the bard's concern had been that if the Voice could have removed the pain function, why hadn't she done so from the start? And why had she lied to he and Remi about it being 'impossible' to remove, ever?

He hadn't realized there was so much nuance in blood drinking. It was a pasttime he'd never considered much in depth before this, and Sam's description of taking abilities sent a little shudder through him as he was reminded of the very reason he was having the amulet made. As for the TMI? Well... Jigano managed a stoic nod of acknowledgment as he reached over to gently touch Sam's wrist, watching the healing process curiously. "Thank you," he said softly, looking up again with a wry smile. "I'll try to get it right the first time so I don't have to ask this of you again. If it helps, you can think of this kind of like how Ascended use the abilities of others. Only this is me using an Ascended's ability, more or less."

Even if Sam was angry with Jigano at the moment, he was glad for the bard's tact, how he didn't comment or ask anything more about Sam's various blood drinking adventures with Nathaniel. That was the one thing he could say about the bard he supposed; he had never felt that Jigano didn't respect him. Disagreed with him, condescended to him, yes, but never mocked him. Which was better than he could say for a lot of people. If only they could find a way around the hole the Voice had caused in their relationship. "I suppose so. ...Um...I don't know if she would, but..." A little worried, Sam nibbled at his lip as he tried to think how to put what he wanted to say. "If Wessex asks where you got the fluid you needed for this...you won't tell her, will you? I don't think she'd be happy if she knew I'd done this for you." Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Jigano disagreed with many people, including Remi and Amalia, but he and Remi were learning to be friends - or at least, something akin to it - and he and Amalia were mending the bridges their insecurities had burned between them. He sincerely hoped that Sam and he would find a way through the thicket of difficulties their respective gods seemed determined to throw them into. The thicket they each choose to wade into, eyes wide open and souls girded for the trials to come.

Sam was not his enemy, Jigano knew. The Voice was the source of so much pain and so many problems... and Sam's choices couldn't entirely blamed on her. He was still responsible for his own actions, but the bard firmly believed that the Voice played upon his friend's suggestibility, urging him to do things he would not have, had she not been whispering in his ear. It was not a clear-cut situation, and he didn't have all the answers... but he wouldn't stop looking for them.

The mention of Wessex's name brought a sharp bark of laughter, the bard glancing up at his friend with a crooked, humorless smile. "She and I don't talk," he assured his friend dryly. "Last time we tried to work together she attacked me while I was trying to help Rae's Guardian, and I tried to kill her in return. But no, I won't tell her where this came from. And as far as I know, once the item is made no one else will know how it came together, so she won't find out. But I'll ask the same of you," he said after a moment's hesitation. "I... don't know if this will simply stop an unwanted bite, or if it will give whoever is trying to take it a nasty jolt, but I figure if anyone is doing it against my will they deserve what they get. Could you keep this a secret between us? At least, so long as it works the way it's supposed to?" Admittedly, if the amulet did something different than what he intended then he'd be warning Sam and Rex as well, but as far as he knew it would only provide some sort of mystic shield against unwanted fangs.

While Sam knew that Wessex and Jigano did not get on (after all, he was making this protective device just for her) he had not expected such a bitter reaction from the usually calm bard and he looked up in surprise. "Oh. I...did not really mean if you spoke as friends. I meant...if she demanded to know." He clarified, with an awkward huff of not-really laughter. Keeping Jigano's device secret felt like it could hurt his people later, but Sam believed in bites being something special, something that should, unless in desperate situations, be consensual...it sounded like all the amulet would do was block unwanted bites, and he could not object to that. "I will, as long as it only stops unwanted bites...if it hurts Ascended some way, when they're not trying to bite you...you'll...stop using it, right?" Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child

Jigano snorted again, but the sound was gentler this time as he saw Sam's surprise. "She has no right to demand anything of me," he reassured his friend gently. "And generally I find her easy enough to ignore, unless she gets violent. At which point we usually stop talking anyways." They'd only really spoken together once, when he had been Blighted and Remi had served as referee and intermediary. Then, the needs of the many had outweighed their mutual dislike and they had managed, however briefly, to work together for a time.

That had been in Leafchange, a lifetime ago now.

Sam's request was only to be expected after his own and he tilted his head thoughtfully as he considered it. "I won't know until I see what it does," he said carefully at last. "If it serves as a defense against more than bites, but still as a defense only, I will likely still use it, due to my history with Wessex. If it does something else, though... at the very least I'll come talk to you about it first and we can decide if the cost outweighs the benefit, or if it should be hidden or destroyed at that point," he promised solemnly. "But I am optimistic that it won't come to that." It wasn't the intention, at least. Not for the Ascended he still counted among his friends, in spite of their differences.

"...I see." Jigano vs Wessex was not an argument Sam ever wanted to get between; both of them had great power and frightened him when mad. He could only imagine how cataclysmic their fights would get...it did occur to him that by giving Jigano his fluid, he was potentially assuring Wessex's loss in a later collision. That was something to think about later (Over and over again, in the middle of the night, going back and forth until his head hurt). The promise Jigano made...it was not entirely what Sam was comfortable with, but he did not have the energy for any more arguments. Besides, he did want his friend to be protected from anyone that would attack him, Ascended or no. "Alright, I..suppose that is enough." Running a finger over his arm where a bumpy mark, slightly glistening with fluid remained, Sam lifted his shirt sleeve back up over it. "Is...that everything you need?" He asked, standing from the table. Samuel He took a step but then felt tired He said, I'll rest a little while But when he tried to walk again He wasn't a child