[SE] frozen hearts

loren

Something dark, ugly, and cold stirred within Loren, and he didn’t bother hiding it from Jigano. Can’t I? The Launceleyn continued to bring them back over the ice. People don’t really want my help. That seems pretty clear to me. And when I do help I seem to have a nasty habit of just making things worse. How's that for a guilty conscience? For a moment his head turned in the opposite direction from the portal, towards the Citadel that he couldn't see, but knew was there.

Waiting for him.

Calling.

Still, he flew towards the portal, for now. I hope you're prepared to wait for a long time. Maybe forever. There was anger in that thought, yes, but it was mostly suffused with self-loathing, an overwhelming feeling that he was still the scared child locked in a cell for being weak.

Maybe he'd just gotten really good at playing pretend.

Never judge a book by its cover.

Ahhh yes, this was familiar. Not unlike how Loren had been at their first meeting, lashing out and pushing away. Jigano rumbled softly at the contrariness, but the words that came next could have been lifted from his own heart. It was hard to argue something he agreed so strongly with in regards to himself... but it also was a reminder that Loren was in no state of mind to even consider any alternatives. I ask for your help, he finally sent back, forcing calm into his thoughts, for both of them falling into a spiral of self-loathing would only make things worse, and Loren deserved better from him than that. And I have been glad of it.

Sharp eyes didn't miss the way the goose's narrow head turned, towards Neron and Zariah, towards family and manipulations and games that Loren seemed too inherently kind to play. He couldn't fix Loren's self-loathing with magic, but he could send his support to the other man, and a gentle affection for a colleague who had become a friend. I am, he said simply. But despite the monster your family tried to make you, I think you're a better man than that. Better than you give yourself credit for, certainly. Even if you can't see that right now.

He knew he wouldn't change Loren's mind in a day, but he could at least be there for him, as others had been there for the bard when he had fallen down a similar bleak hole. They Healed each other as best they could. It was what friends did.

loren

Loren felt an annoyed spike shoot through his mind at Jigano’s calm response. Well you might want to reconsider both of those things. For a brief moment, the summoner's wings pumped furiously as he subconsciously tried to put some distance between himself and the bard. Why? There was an almost despondent quality to the question.

However, the dark chill creeping through the Launceleyn's veins grew, beginning to ice over his heart. Well I don't. There was a cold anger in his mind. Do you know how hard it is for me to overcome a lifetime of instincts? Do you know how easy it would be to just be a Launceleyn in spirit, not just in name. Well, I was disowned, but you know what I mean.

He paused, considering it. I would make Zariah's reign look tame. There was a certain appeal to it, in some secret corner of his soul that he'd buried under fear and self-hatred and a burning desire not to become the monster he was so desperately afraid he was.

Never judge a book by its cover.

Loren was at least being honest and open with him, even if that meant a significant dose of vitriol as he clung to his self-imposed illusions of monstrosity and guilt. Jigano let the goose fly ahead and gain some space reluctantly, a faint rumble of affection in his powerful chest. Why do I ask you for help? Aside from being an intelligent man, a powerful mage, and a man who has taken his Loreseeker responsibilities seriously? Because you're my friend, Loren. It had taken time and tragedies aplenty to get there, but for Jigano they most certainly had. And you are someone I enjoy speaking with, working beside, and solving problems with. Admittedly, this wasn't the most fun conversation they'd ever had. But thanks to their rather spectacularly awful first meeting, at least it wasn't the worst?

He listened to the cold anger in Loren's words, the raging and railing against the family that had abandoned him when he wouldn't toe the line and fit the mold they had decreed for him. A name you were going to see reborn, he said quietly, remembering Loren's staunch resistance to abandoning the name and becoming something wholly his own. A name free of the hate and loathing Zariah had tinged it with. Do you truly find kindness to be such a burden? See compassion as a weakness? In others, such as Abasi? Best not to ask what Loren thought of him when the summoner was in such a wounding mood. But he was no Zariah Launceleyn, not even on his worst day, and that was one of the reasons Jigano liked him.

loren

A dark form of amusement bubbled up in Loren’s mind. Better be careful. I have a nasty habit of hurting my friends. And they’ve got a nasty habit of going crazy, apparently. Maybe the two are related. He continued flying ahead of Jigano, which given their respective sizes wasn’t easy.

Thankfully, the summoner's anger, chilly as it was, drove him forward, let him ignore the strain. Yet another failure of mine. His thoughts swirled in a wild and chaotic spiral. Abasi isn't really kind, but that's besides the point. Compassion hasn't exactly made me strong, now, has it? There was a deep-seated bitterness underlying that thought, the acknowledgment that despite his best efforts, basically everything he'd turned his hand to had been for naught.

Never judge a book by its cover.

You also have very welcome habit of healing them, the dragon pointed out mildly. As you did to me, not that long ago. Thank you for that, by the way. And Jigano, at least, could heal himself if it came down to it. Or Loren, for that matter, as Loren had fought to keep Remi alive.

At the mention of failing the Launceleyn name, however, the dragon snorted an explosion of cool air, exasperated fondness washing through the Attuned link. Not a failure yet, he encouraged his friend. You knew it would take time, that it wouldn't happen overnight. And already you've been creating an alternative view of the Launceleyns thanks to your willingness to help and build, where Zariah only yipped orders and destroyed. He hummed to himself for a moment before continuing, albeit a little reluctantly. You've even been changing my mind, after I tried to convince you to discard the name entirely. He hoped that Loren didn't try to tear apart all the good work he'd done out of sheer self-absorbed spitefulness.

Abasi's kindness was... well, Jigano couldn't argue with Loren's assessment there, a pulse of acknowledgment singing through their animal telepathy, but he could disagree with the other point. Has it not? It seems as though this does far more to weaken you. This tearing yourself down, hating yourself... sabotaging yourself. Try showing yourself some of that compassion you've given to others before you dismiss it so easily. Not that Loren would listen to him now, but perhaps later, in a few days or weeks, some of the words would come back to his friend and inspire him to be a little gentler with himself.

loren

As Jigano commented on Loren's proclivity for healing as often as he hurt, his mood soured further. It doesn’t count if I’m healing them of wounds I’ve inflicted. However, he shot the bard a confused look, one mirrored by the confusion in the summoner's mind. What are you talking about?

However, the confusion soon made way for anger and despair in equal parts. Isn't it? Zariah's back, and hasn't changed. I've been disowned, so keeping the name doesn't matter when for all intents and purposes I'm not a Launceleyn anymore. And the relatives I have left are hardly people worth emulating. The summoner's thought came out tartly, and with a great deal of fury.

However, it wasn't entirely sure who it was directed towards.

It faded, somewhat, into a dull ache, one that spread through his body, his mind, his soul. I think you misunderstand the source of my sorrow. He paused, wings still pumping furiously. It comes from caring. The thought carried a deep-seated bitterness in it. And every fibre of my being is telling me to stop caring. That caring will just lead to more heartbreak in the end.

For a moment, the darkness wavered, giving way to sorrow. I'm tired of losing people. Then it was gone, even the memory of it wiped away in a wave of icy anger.

Never judge a book by its cover.

It absolutely does count, Jigano responded back, a hint of tartness in his tone. Those getting healed get to make that call. And you Healed me at Fiat Lux. My own earth shield broke and a chunk of it knocked me out, I was told. Thanks to the mud that monster was slinging around - and no, it wasn't your fault, Loren. It was the damn mud beast's fault. You might as well hate Phoebe and Sunjata for failing to stop it sooner, if you're going to treat yourself like that.

Anger and despair were old friends to the bard, but seeing them in Loren gave him an uncomfortable level of insight into his own martyr complex that he really didn't want to deal with just then. Luckily, Loren provided a much better distraction. Zariah can go fuck herself with an icicle, he retorted. A sharp one, preferably. But you're as much a Launceleyn as she is - and a far better person all around. You're not in Northwind anymore, and whatever power she had there? Doesn't exist here. Disown her. And found your own family, without all the manipulation and torture and cruelty she thrives on. Turned out Jigano had no little anger to work out when it came to the ex-Queen, too. Perhaps it was something they could bond over when things had calmed down. They could dream, couldn't they?

Caring hurt, Jigano well knew. His soul still bore the scars of his arguments with Amalia, Sam, and Rex. The loss of Caiside and Edy and Isla. He was quiet for a time as they flew before he exhaled a puff of frosty breath, quickly whipped away by the wind. I can't argue with that, he said at last, subdued. This is a harsh world, and there are no guarantees of survival for anyone. But the people we care for make us better while we're in their lives, and caring for them gives us strength. What do you think you will become if you try to cut everyone else, every person who matters to you, out of your life? What purpose would you have, then?What would you do, with no one to love or protect or help?

loren

Jigano could get as tart as he liked. Unfortunately for him, Loren was lost in a sea of anger and self-loathing, one as expansive as the ice below. You know, I’ve someone managed to turn healing into a weapon, before? The words were shockingly calm, considering the toxic swirl of emotions in his mind. Well if we’re getting technical, it’s Rae’s fault. And I know, in my mind, that it’s not mine. Pausing, he gave the the white-haired man a pointed look. But knowing that doesn’t stop me from feeling like it’s my fault. Or that I made it worse. Nor did it stop the Launceleyn from running the day over and over again in his mind in an endless loop, or help him to sleep at night.

At the bard’s anger, the summoner felt a dark amusement bubble up within. I’ve tried. And I’ve failed each and every time. And now those I once considered my closest friends are gone without a trace, and the last I saw and heard of them they hated me. For a moment, his fury warred with his sorrow. Unfortunately, the cold rage won out.

The questions about who and what Loren would be if he stopped caring, stopped trying so hard to be there for others, gave up his hopeless quest to make the world a better place, stopped striving to make meaning out of senseless tragedy or to desperately find his purpose in life gave him pause. In fact, his thoughts and emotions became almost eerily mute. I’d be free. To do as I wished, for once in my godsforsaken life.

Never judge a book by its cover.

Any medicine can be a poison, depending on the dose. Magic is just another type of medicine, the bard responded with a mental sense of a shrug. Oh, he could think of several ways to weaponize Healing magic, depending on circumstance. His own history wasn't exactly rainbows and sunshine, nor was he the moral paragon he tried to pass himself of as, not deep down inside. The healing magic of his world had been in some ways grander, but in all other ways more structured than what he'd encountered on Caido, and that very flexibility lent itself to some dangerous possibilities for the unscrupulous - or desperate.

But what Loren had done before his arrival on this world didn't matter much to the bard; not, at least, in way of judgment. Especially given what Maea had told him. If it were true...

Getting a pointed look from a goose in flight was a novel experience, and one the bard filed away to be fascinated by later. At least Loren acknowledged that his head was wiser than his heart in this particular situation, and he sent a pulse of understanding to his friend. He couldn't change a heart in a single conversation, not when the pain went so deep, but he hoped that Loren knew that he would be there for him later.

Besides, there were Zariahs to get annoyed at, though he was confused as to what Loren had 'tried and failed at.' But there are those who live in the Manor with you, who seem grateful for your hospitality and admire your kindness towards them? he asked, uncertain where the misunderstanding had come in. Are they not friends of yours? The first steps to becoming a found family? Ah, but it was not them Loren wanted, it sounded like. He wanted Remi and Ronin, specifically. Safrin took the captain and so, I assume, Remi as well, he said thoughtfully. I do not know... they may yet return to us. Others have. Ronin had come back from the dead before, after all. Maea had been spirited away and was back with a year's worth of lost time in her memory. He had been taken to Safrin's realm before and found his illusions stripped from him and his heart burned over the hot coals of his own pride while bound in chains of starlight. He had come back from that. It was not impossible that Ronin and Remi would as well, though... perhaps not unchanged.

And what is it you wish to be free to do? the dragon asked the goose gently into the stillness of Loren's mind.

loren

Loren’s thoughts, already dark, grew sadder. Not really. Oh sure, they admire me, yes, and are grateful, but we’re not close. At least, they don’t...they don’t know me. And I don't really know them. There was a great deal of sorrow behind that admission.

At Jigano's atempt at reassurance, the summoner's mind slid back into despairing fury. And what if they do come back? What then? More awkward conversations with Remi, who says he wants to move on and be friends but seems incapable of it without it causing him harm? More resentment and judgment from Ronin because he seems to think that I'm some sort of monster for disappearing and coming back? More twisting myself into knots because I'm making an effort to try and be there for other people when they don't seem to want me there and are not really there for me? The words grew more and more exhausted as he went on.

Again, that weird calm held for a few moments longer. Nothing. I'd do nothing. No fighting, no constantly worrying about everyone and everything, no throwing myself into places and situations I have no right being in. Just...nothing.

Never judge a book by its cover.

Though there were things Jigano might have said to try and cheer Loren up, the summoner seemed determined to wallow in sadness and guilt. Logic had little place in a heart so wounded, and Jigano didn't wish to argue too strenuously and risk another explosion of icy anger. Instead the dragon simply said: I would like to get to know you better. They were friends and colleagues after all. There were worse places to start from.

Unfortunately, he couldn't avoid the rage entirely. Bitter words poured between the bond, cold as Halo's summer, and Jigano let them wash through him as the Sea of Glass sped by beneath their wings, snowdrifts occasionally broken by flashes of blue and green ice where the wind had swept it bare. I don't know, he said quietly. They gained and lost and gained and lost while you were gone, alone and together. I think... I think that, with their family, they just wanted stability. Like you, now, they didn't want to mourn anyone else. He knew what it was to try and try and be found wanting, to be a hindrance instead of a help in spite of his best intentions. A low croon shivered mournfully in the cloudless sky. But if they do not wish to be there for you... if you're the only one trying to rebuild that bridge... maybe you might build some new ones? We will find a way to look for them. Remi... I might... He trailed off thoughtfully, letting it percolate as they spoke of other things.

Desires as empty as the ice below, and Jigano rumbled quiet acceptance of the choice. My mate has made that choice, he said quietly. To focus on his farm and let the world see to itself without him for a time. A chance to rest for a while, and to focus on small happinesses. There is wisdom in that, too... if taken in moderation. Then again, when did anyone on Caido do anything on moderation?

loren

Loren felt a kind of weary bitterness pool in his gut and his mind, one that he didn’t keep from . What would you like to know? At this point, he was too tired to keep fighting, and almost too exhausted to keep flying.

But his wings kept going.

As Jigano explained Remi and Ronin’s story, the summoner just sent back a resigned understanding. I know. It's what I was afraid of all along. What I had accepted long ago. The Launceleyn felt a dull sorrow well up within him. But it's not what Remi said. There wasn't any blame behind that thought, just faint tinges of guilt and grief.

Even that faded away to almost nothing. Is he happy?

Never judge a book by its cover.

Jigano could feel his friend's weariness, and rumbled soft encouragement. You can rest on my shoulders if you need to. We're not too far now, though. He suspected Loren's pride wouldn't let him accept the offer, but as Remi had once done for the raven, so the dragon tried to do for the goose. I would like to know what your favorite color is. What foods you like, and if you prefer wine or ale - or something else. If you play cards, or dice, or enjoy puzzles of words or tiles, perhaps. Whether you're a morning person or a night owl. Little things. Important things. Things he might have learned in time over tea or booze, in a bar or beside a campfire...

If these were normal times. If Caido would ever give them time for such normalcy.

It didn't sound like Loren had accepted that Remi had moved on, not based on his previous outbursts, but Jigano kept those thoughts to himself. That the alchemist would want to repair a broken bridge surprised him not at all, but that he had a certain expectation of what he wanted from it that didn't match what Loren did? That, Jigano could believe. The alchemist's memories had been warped and stolen too many times for a ghost from his past to share the same connection they once had. I might... be able to look for him... He thought hesitantly instead, feeling a rebellious flutter of optimism in his chest. At least... I might be able to find out whether he's alive or not. Such a short word, 'not,' to contain such a wealth of meaning.

Talk of Rory warmed the bard's thoughts, though there was worry in them, too. Sometimes, he thought softly. Sometimes he's the sunshine at the end of Flowerbirth, warm and bright and laughing. And sometimes he's the Leafchange storm, dark and desolate and filled with distant thunder. It hasn't solved his problems. It's just... pushed some of them a little further away for a time. Not forever, though. Eventually he'd have to face the world again, but that day wouldn't be soon.