Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
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Loren was very obviously not used to this sort of affection, especially seeing as he assumed anyone who showed any sort of kindness towards him had a crush on him...and that honestly broke Oliver's heart. Had Loren never received platonic affection? Someone who cares for him deeply, but not in a romantic sense? Loren would simply go on to ramble, and Oliver would allow him to say whatever he wanted.
A lot of new things would be revealed, things that Oliver appreciated hearing. Knowing that Loren at least semi-trusted him enough to reveal a piece of his dark past was something he would cherish and keep safe. He wouldn't abuse this sort of trust, rather, he would keep the secrets close to him for his knowledge only. That didn't mean he necessarily agreed with the assumptions Loren chose to make.
Loren... I am sorry that your brothers were unkind to you, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person. You did what you had to do...you had to protect yourself and you didn't deserve to have a shitty family. Already off to a fantastic start. You deserve a proper family. You deserve to feel happy and to have a family member you can talk to and feel safe with and know that they care for you deeply...and if you'd trust me to do that, then I'd love to be a brother to you. What your brothers did does not define who you are, Loren.
Loren let out an unhappy snarl. For a brief moment, rage overtook him before he shoved it aside. In its place was a bone-deep depression, one he tried and increasingly failed to hide from the world. Well, the world doesn't seem to care what I deserve, or want, or need. He began pacing again, steps increasingly fast as he grew more agitated.
It wasn't just my brothers. It was all of them. All of my kin. They...they tortured me. Over and over and over again. And you want to know the worst part. Suddenly, he stopped, and stared directly at Oliver, eyes piercing. They told me it was in the name of love.
Resuming his walk, exhaustion caused him to slow, but anxiety kept him moving. So I don't need more brothers, or a family. Because I don't know how to have one that doesn't cause me pain, and that I don't cause pain in turn. The admission came with a healthy dose of guilt.
It was becoming more and more clear that Loren wasn't exactly in the best of headspaces. The man seemed to be depressed, believing that absolutely nobody cared for him and that he seemingly didn't deserve to receive any love. Then again, Oliver could be misdiagnosing, but that's how he viewed the situation. Loren... this world is a pile of shit, I'll admit it, but there are so many people here that care about you. That want you to be happy and think you deserve to feel good. I am one of those people. Tell me what you want. Tell me what you need. I'm all ears. He literally was all ears, seeing as those made up pretty much half of his height.
Loren started to open up more and once again, Oliver wished he could hug him or hold him or do something to make him feel better. Human contact always made him feel better when he was upset, so maybe it'd help Loren. Loren...you just said the answer yourself...it's not that you don't deserve family or that family isn't an option... you need a new family. One that can show you what it truly means to be in one. Maybe it could just be whoever you're seeing and those you hold closest to you...but that pretty much is a family. His tail swishes and he takes a step closer to Loren.
I am willing to show you what a true family is like. I am also willing to have you learn. I want to show you that you're cared for and loved and appreciated...I want you to know what it feels like to have someone willing to help you whenever needed, to have someone who you can always go to... you deserve so much Loren. You've already shown me so much kindness, so I know that you're a good person. I just wish you could see what I see.
Oliver had a lot to say. Too bad Loren wasn’t really in the mood or the mindset to listen. What I need is time and space. From...everything. There was a weary resignation in the summoner’s thoughts. That’s the problem see? You can say as many empty platitudes as you’d like, compliment me as much as you’d like and I just, I’ll know it isn’t true.
His paws began clenching and unclenching, causing his claws to leave furrows and rips in the tarp. Because, you see, my family spent fifteen years of my life torturing me just to make it quite, quite clear to me how worthless I really was. There wasn't anger or sorrow or despair behind those words.
01-21-2020, 01:49 AM (This post was last modified: 01-21-2020, 01:49 AM by Oliver.)
OLIVER
There were a lot of things Oliver wanted to say, tons even. So many things to address and he had to say his next few words carefully, to make sure he didn't accidentally lose Loren. Loren...I really think you need to talk to someone. They have to have someone who can help you...we have healing magic, right? Surely someone can heal you mentally. That probably wasn't the nicest thing to say, but obviously Loren was not in the right headspace, considering he said that he didn't think anything Oliver said was true. You can give me a lie detector test, but everything I said is the truth. You cant deny the fact you have helped me. You cant deny the fact that every time you talk to me and give me advice and spend time with me I feel happy. You helped me to feel like I wasn't alone. You gave me shelter when I needed it most. You cannot deny that you went out of your way to help and annoying kid who didn't have a single memory to speak of. There was a lot more he wanted to say and do, but he didn't want to break any of the boundaries clearly set. So as badly as Oliver wanted to hold Loren and hug him, he couldn't.
A worthless man wouldn't make me feel like I belong...and I am sorry that they made you feel like that, but I can assure you that you are far from worthless. You are one of the most important people in my life and I don't know what I would do without you. The more the fox spoke, the more emotional he felt. He kept trying to send waves of assurance, of love, of any happy feelings he felt when he spent time around Loren. I want you to feel happy because you are not worthless, Loren. You are so needed and all I want you to do is to know that I care. So many people care. You don't need your family because you have a new one here, one that loves you and cares about you. And would be heartbroken if Loren died...
Well, it's a good thing he's a fox because otherwise he might be crying at this point at the idea of Loren believing all of these things.
As Oliver kept trying to reassure Loren, he just felt worse and more exhausted with the conversation. That’s not how magic works. There’s no wand you can wave to fix me. His claws continued to knead the tarp. There’s not some part of me that’s broken. It’s just...who I am. The weary acceptance was growing stronger.
As the fox went on to speak at length about everything good about the summoner, he settled to the ground again, too tired for pacing. The words washed over him, but they broke against his walls like a wave against a rocky shore. As the other man fell silent, the Launceleyn found himself remaining quiet as well, for a long time. Finally, he gave the mental equivalent of a sigh. I told you it didn't matter what you said.
With that, he stood up and began padding away slowly.
It's who he was? What kind of fucking bullshit was that? Loren was just accepting defeat at this moment, refusing to get any help or to really believe anything that Oliver was saying. It was frustrating and it also hurt him. His body ached and he wanted to fight back, but what could he even say?
When he tried to speak, ranting to Loren practically about how much he loved and cared for the man, his words seem to bounce off, disappearing into nothing. What he said meant nothing and Loren was soon ready to leave, accepting that nothing that Oliver said was true. And this was hard to believe. Oliver's mind raced with possibilities. There had to be something he could do, a god he could pray to in order to beg for help for Loren. Maybe Safrin would be able to help him, maybe she could help to purify his mind. But, if Loren didn't believe that Oliver cared for him, did that mean that Loren didn't even care for him? It was a possibility, but not one that Oliver wanted to consider.
His heart ached and he found himself taking a couple of steps closer, shifting back into a human. "Loren....please. Don't leave me...stay here." There was paint dripping down from his arms, a mesh of brown now.
I JUST WANT MY EXISTENCE TO BE MORE THAN TREMBLING
As Oliver shifted back to human, so did Loren. The summoner’s mind was still walled off, but inside there was little but a dull ache and the exhaustion that seemed to dog his steps everywhere he went these days. Paint dripped down the Launceleyn as well, but he made no move to do anything about it.
At the other man’s words, Loren studied Oliver's features. The summoner's expression was inscrutable, besides his eyes which were tired. "I know you're just...speaking the truth, and trying to cheer me up, and trying to get me to open up." He spread his arms in a helpless gesture. "But I just...I can't right now. Maybe not ever, but definitely right now."
Without thinking too much, Oliver ran a hand through his hair, attempting to calm his emotions down a small bit, only to cause a very large amount of paint to stick to his head. Well great. He tried his best to ignore it, deciding to instead focus on Loren. Hopefully, at least, the other man would find it somewhat amusing. Who knows, maybe Loren found that type of stuff to be funny.
Even with the hair issue, Oliver was still able to focus entirely on Loren. His eyes were full of worry, as were his facial features. The paint did little to alter how he felt. Loren was someone who was extremely important to him, someone that deserved to be so happy. Loren was an incredible person and Oliver only wanted the best for him. His hand reached forward ever so slightly, wanting to grasp onto Loren's, to have some sort of contact with the man that he viewed as a friend. "I...I'm happy that you know that I care a lot about you, even that means a lot to me." He tried to offer the faintest of smiles, showing that it truly did make him feel better.
"I know it wont come easy...none of this ever does, but I'm here for you...and you mean the world to me... and if you aren't comfortable calling me a brother, than can we at least call each other friends?" Oliver didn't want Loren to leave him, afraid of what the man would do all alone. Nobody deserved to be alone in their own thoughts, especially when Oliver had forced the man to relive so many tragic things.
"Maybe we could finish painting? Or at least cook something? I... I got some new spices? And I think you might like them?" He seemed desperate, for sure, but Oliver truly believed that if Loren were left truly alone to his own devices, the man would only feel worse and worse and it'd be all his fault.
I JUST WANT MY EXISTENCE TO BE MORE THAN TREMBLING
As Oliver reached for Loren, he didn’t move out of the way. He simply let the other man take his hand, though the summoner didn’t really respond, neither verbally or physically. No words, no squeeze in response, nothing.
However, as Oliver kept speaking, the Launceleyn sighed. ”I’m not really cut out to be anyone’s friend, any more than I am equipped to make a new family.” There wasn’t sorrow or pain or anger behind those statements, just a weary acceptance and resignation.
His eyes flicked to the painting he'd made, if it could even be called that. There was a sort of savage and primitive beauty to it, the slashes of vibrant color all centered around a black pawprint that drew the eye in. "I'm not hungry. And what more needs to be done with the painting?"
Just holding hands with Loren helped Oliver to calm down ever so slightly. He gently ran his thumb along Loren's hand, not minding the fact that both of them were covered in paint. This was an absolute improvement, even if Loren didn't hold his hand back. It was a small bit of affection and Oliver would take it, seeing as his hug wasn't exactly reciprocated properly.
Though, the next comment did confuse Oliver. So much so that he smiled, not awkwardly, more in slight amusement. "Loren... you've literally done everything a friend would do. Clearly, you are cut out to be a friend, even if I hadn't called you one properly." Loren had been an amazing friend without realizing it, apparently, seeing as he believed himself to be unfit. "I think you're an amazing friend, even if you don't think you're a good one... a person unfit to be a friend wouldn't be so kind or so nice to me... and a dude who wasn't cut out to be a friend also wouldn't be getting paint all over his hands." He laughed at the last part, trying to show that it's okay to loosen up. That this was a fun time, despite the little argument they had. Still, Loren had done enough to be called a friend. Someday, Loren would look at him as a friend hopefully. Someday.
With a look down at the painting, Oliver tilted his head. "Well... for one, you need to sign your name....but if you're still feeling up for it and think you want to add anything, I'd like to see what your goose shift can do with the canvas? Who knows... maybe webbed feet make beautiful art." For a man who claimed he didn't enjoy doing art, what Loren had created sure was poetic.
"We...we could also make use with the tapestries? Seeing as we need to wipe off the paint somewhere." The manor needed a splash of color, so hopefully Loren would accept that offer as well.
I JUST WANT MY EXISTENCE TO BE MORE THAN TREMBLING
Loren continued staring at Oliver, the summoner’s expression troubled. Almost gently, but firmly, he pulled his hand from the other man’s grasp. "You're wrong." The words came out flatly, with no room for disagreement. However, the Launceleyn's eyes conveyed just how exhausted he was by this conversation.
Sighing, he padded forward. "You can do whatever you want with the tapestries." Shifting into a goose, he dipped his left wing in red and his right in blue. Reaching out to the canvas, he swiped both of them across it, leaving criss-crossing smears.
Stepping back, he shifted back to human. Lifting a brush, he signed his name in black as small as he possibly could in the bottom right corner. Creating a cloth, he began wiping the paint from his body. "Good?"
He... was wrong? At this point, Loren was just blatantly ignoring every little thing he had to say. In one ear and out the other. It frustrated Oliver to no end, but he also had to try and remind himself that maybe, just maybe, Loren actually did deep down view him as a friend. That maybe someday, Loren would realize that everything he had done was amazing. That he was one of the greatest friends to him ever. Oliver just wished he could truly show Loren how he felt towards him, share with the man all of his thoughts and feelings and love for him. Maybe then he'd realize he was worthy of friends and a real family.
For now? He'd just have to accept the hand he was dealt. This hand was a disaster. None of the cards worked well together, it was like he were given a three of spades, a 5 of clubs, a jack of diamonds and an ace of spades. None of the cards fit, but would they ever?
The man soon finished off his work of art and Oliver nodded to him. "it looks fantastic Loren, thank you for taking the time to make it with me." He offered the man a small smile before picking up one of the unused tapestries. He'd proceed to use it to spread around the paint left on his hand, creating a very strange, but also unique, work of art. As he did so, he continued to speak. "I'll clean this up, don't worry." Seeing as someone had decided to track paint outside of the tarp. "You can go back to important stuff, this should be cleaned up in the next hour. I'll leave the canvases to try and then you can pick it up. It'll make a nice gift, if you ask me."
I JUST WANT MY EXISTENCE TO BE MORE THAN TREMBLING
Loren didn’t really react to Oliver’s compliment. All the summoner did was nod when the other man finally released the Launceleyn from this particular task. For once, he decided to just let Oliver clean something up, since it seemed to be so important to the other man.
However, as Oliver kept speaking, Loren stilled. ”I didn’t ask you.” The words didn't come out with any particular inflection. Tossing the rag he'd cleaned himself up with onto the tarp, he turned and walked away. There didn't seem to be much else to say, so he went up the stairs to the washroom to clean himself off more completely. When he got there, he locked the door behind him.
