Flowers in my lungs

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

Darkness had fallen over the guild hall. Whether it was late or growing early was difficult to tell, for the only light that made its way in through the narrow windows high on the walls was refracted from starlight. Outside, the temperature would finally have fallen to something rather tolerable, but beneath the ground within the thick walls of stone, it was cold.

Too cold. During no season should frost be creeping along the floorboards and up the walls, least of all LongHeat. Yet still it spread, flowering in patterns of leaf and fern, feathering and sprouting across table tops and bookshelves, threatening the health of the books that rested there. The air in the room had become biting, little different from a Halo eve; glittering particals of ice drifted on silent eddies. At some point during the night a log had been thrown on the hearth and a fire set to light the room, but the embers were faltering now, hissing and popping in fierce protest to the preternatural chill.

It could all be traced back to the girl that sat curled up on a chair by the big table. There were books and scrolls, papers and pens littering the surface before her, but it was a long time since her hands had stopped working. Wrapped in her black shawl, she had kicked off her shoes and pulled bare feet up beneath her on the seat, and the eyes that stared into the dark corners of the room were red-rimmed and swollen. She had been crying.

The teacup that cradled between her hands looked quite forgotten. It's contents were frozen solid.

Jigano was rarely in the Hall very late anymore, not with the farm to get back to and evening chores to be done there. Samuel usually kept an eye on the Guild overnight, freeing the Provost to spend time at what had become home. It was mid-morning before he finished and headed in to town at his normal time, going to open the Guild for the day's business.

He paused when he saw the door open already, but Quanil was an eager beaver if ever he'd met one, and Tarasha occasionally came to borrow books, so he wasn't worried as he descended the spiral stone steps below.

The chill in the air gave him pause, however, and he frowned as he considered the implications. Loren? ... Or Maea. Not who he had expected to see first thing this morning, but he had known she would be back eventually with her decision. Drawing a breath to settle his conflicted heart he finished the final half-circle of steps and looked into the Hall.

She looked so small and childlike, curled in the chair in the spooky shawl of Ludo's rags. It was an illusion he had to forcefully remind himself to look past, to see the adult woman who had sought to rule, secure in her power and steadfast in her certainty that she was the only one who could. Given Zariah and Wessex... well. Perhaps Maea had been right after all.

He couldn't tell how long she'd been there, but the fire had burned down and he cleared his throat softly to let her know she wasn't alone in the room. "Maea? Have you been here all night?" he asked, voice gentle. He didn't move to her right away, giving her space and time to collect herself as he went to restart the fire and stoke it back up. The Hall usually didn't need it in the summer... but the lingering chill in the air spoke volumes.

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

The sound of Jigano's voice roused her. With a sudden intake of breath the girl straightened and looked up. Seeing the frost creep on the walls and the table, she grimaced and dragged a hand over her face; she'd let it slip again. With a few deep breaths from the girl the ice began to thaw, moisture replacing the glistening patterns; she gathered it all up, pulled it back to herself and deposited the water in the dregs of the teapot.

"Sorry about that," she mumbled, rather embarrassed. "I... yes. It seems I have." She looked up to the skylights, and realized that the darkness had come from the layer of frost on them. Without it, light was streaming down into the hall again. She sighed.

"I was trying to summarize what I've been doing so far, but... I got lost in thought."

Watching the Provost move across the open floor, she bit her lip. Tried to rub her bleary eyes back into some semblance of clarity, but gave up when they only stung more under her restless fingers. "What time is it?"

"I don't mind," he said with a wry smile and a reassuring shake of his head. "No need to apologize. And the next time it happens, there's a cot in the reading room you can use. One in my office, too, from when I used to pull all-nighters researching this catastrophe or that looming disaster." His expression was rueful as he coaxed a fresh spark from the flint striker, setting it to some dry tinder and fluff and carefully feeding some smaller sticks to it.

"Hmm. About ten of the morning, I'd say. I should get an hourglass or two in here, while I'm thinking about it." A tangent that had little to do with the current conversation, and he dragged himself away from it. "Once this is heated up I'll make us up some fresh tea. It looks like you could use it. How have you been doing?" The last was quiet and more tentative, given how they'd parted ways the last time they'd been in the Hall.

Once he was certain the little fire wouldn't gutter out he began to putter about with the tea caddy, coming over to the table to collect the pot with a smile for the young woman who could cause him such pride and heartache all in one fell swoop.

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

Ten hour. That meant she had been cooped up in the study for over half a day. Dragging another weary hand across her face, she glanced down at the cup she still held in the other, a wry smile twisting her lips as she saw the sloshy, ice-crusted contents within. "Yes... some tea would definitely be nice," she agreed.

Maea began to gather up her work, sorting papers and notes into neat piles and adding bookmarks to the tomes before setting them aside. "I've been... keeping occupied," she said, feeling the weight of their recent conversations in the air between them. Jigano wasn't the only tentative one, and she wasn't sure quite how to approach this. If it was indeed the right moment to have this conversation...

But then, would there ever be one?

"I spent most of the time thinking," she admitted, her gaze kept on the task at hand, so she wouldn't have to look at Jigano. "About what I want. What I'm trying to do, and how I went about... trying to make things happen. And I realized, that you were right. I am impatient. And I do rush into things, without thinking it all the way through beforehand."

She paused, biting her lips for a moment, then looked up. Seeking Jigano's gaze, a tired and sad expression on her face that came not only from the long wake night.

"I'm sorry. For bringing Sunjata along, when I should have talked to you about it alone. It was... very poor judgement on my part."

He hadn't met a Loreseeker yet who didn't appreciate a good cup of tea, but he assumed they must exist, somewhere out in the world. For now, though, it made refreshments easier to prepare as he continued to putter - as much to give his hands something to do while he tried to keep his worries in check as to get the conversation off to a better start this time.

Not that they could avoid the last conversation and the ultimatum he'd given her forever, but a few more minutes wouldn't hurt, surely? And it was entirely up to her when to bring it up, since he didn't want to seem like he was rushing her.

Maea's voice continued along his line of thoughts, following him as he continued to feed the fire and get it hot enough to boil the water in the kettle. Her humility was almost a rebuke in its softness, but he held back any wince, for he didn't disagree with it. As he turned around he found her looking for him, and he gazed back steadily before giving her a solemn bow of acknowledgment. "Apology accepted. And I am sorry, too, for being too brusque with you. I should have been more diplomatic... and when I realized what you were asking, I should have requested that we have a talk as guildmates, without Sunjata present. Perhaps Sam or another member of the Loreseekers could have been found to join us... and that is something I have been doing some thinking on as well," he admitted gravely.

He let out a breath, not quite a sigh, as he walked slowly back towards the table, reaching up to slide his hand beneath his long hair and rub at the back of his neck uncomfortably. "I let myself get... flustered. It felt like you knew I wouldn't approve, and so you ambushed me, using Sunjata to try and gang up on me so I would be outnumbered and on the defensive. Which is more or less what happened." He winced, then met her eyes again, his gaze having drifted down in regret as he spoke. "I did get defensive. Unnecessarily so. It looked like you had plenty of time to think about this in advance, and plan out your line of attack with Sunjata while I was blindsided by it - or at least, that's how it came across. I'm sorry for putting you in a difficult position, Maea. And for not finding a way to be more tactful about how I presented it."

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

Fingering the edges of her shawl, Maea bowed her head in turn as he accepted her apology and offered one in return. Breathing in through the nose, she held the air in her lungs for a moment and forced out a good amount of tension with the exhale that followed. Repeated it, like Loren had taught her, until her shoulders didn't feel as painfully stiff as before.

They were talking. That made everything easier. Words were something they had always been good at sharing.

"It was never my intention to blackmail you into anything," she said, shaking her head. In hindsight she realized how it must have looked, and chided herself for not considering it before. "I intended to speak to you about the Academy as soon as I was offered a spot. Yes, I knew you wouldn't like the idea, and that it might take some persuation, but... I thought my reasons were good enough to at least bring it up."

Shifting a paper on the table before her so that it lay straight on the pile, Maea thought back to the events of the recent past, laid it out straight in her mind so she could see her own decisions more clearly. Explain herself better.

"Then... Sunjata told me about the Advocates. Said he wanted more information about Halo, and I... saw no reason not to offer my help, since I already wanted to go there. I thought, that if he came along you would see that I was serious, that it wasn't just a whim because I wanted to play at being a mage.

"And I... really wanted to help him."

Blushing slightly, she touched her fingers to her neck. Tugged the collar a bit higher, hoping that the fabric and her long hair would suffice to hide the fading bruises on her skin. Intimately placed, quite deliberate in their making.

"It seems my thinking gets... clouded, where he's concerned."

He stood quietly, hips resting against the back of one of the fireplace chairs as he listened to her words and tilted his head to show he was hearing her. He didn't come closer, not wanting to loom, but he was close enough for them to talk easily and still go to tend the fire and the kettle. He had to bite back the urge to tell her things she could have done differently; it wouldn't help and could only harm, and Amalia's lesson in his tendency to be overprotective and patronizing still echoed loudly. He drew a slow breath, considering how to explain himself instead, but she wasn't finished and he found himself holding it as the pale-haired woman continued on.

Ah. There was the heart of the misunderstanding. Not Sunjata's fault, and he was glad to hear it confirmed, but he feared the cracks that had been opened in that friendship over this. He'd seen the way Maea had reached for the Flood's hand, but any remaining uncertainty over their relationship was cleared away by the blush and the way her fingers drew attention to the hickies before she hid them.

Ah, young love...

But damn, it did complicate everything, didn't it?

The bard didn't respond right away, taking his time to think over what she had said before he nodded slowly. "Your reasons were good," he agreed at last when he found the words he wanted. "But I don't think you knew just how... personal the rift between Zariah and I is. There are others who can train you - and I would heartily encourage you to learn from all of them. Even, yes, from Zariah... if there is a way to do so without joining her academy." He found a smile for her, wry and a little sad as he gave a slight shake of his head. "But I would never accuse you of 'playing at' being a mage, Maea. You are one. You were born one, and you've had the magic of Caido in your veins far longer than that pompous upstart has."

He exhaled slowly, his smile remaining as he arched an eyebrow at her. "Then again, training with Deimos and Loren will likely give you much of the same foundations Zariah would, but with a lot fewer conflicts between yourself and those that Zariah hurt while you were away."

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

It was clear from her expression that she did not think of herself as a mage. The magic might be a part of her, but she had never tried to accept it before, or felt any true connection to it. On the contrary; until recently she had actively suppressed it, refrained from using it, and so whatever gifts lay dormant within her had stayed there.

Until now. Until loss forced her to adapt to new situations and people began to encourage her to grow. People like Jigano, and Sunjata. Pick your battles, the Flood had told her, and this one against her own nature was one she couldn't seem to win.

"I... know that there are others who might train me," she nodded, gaze dropping to her hands. "I spoke to Loren, not too long ago. Asked him to help me get some control over the ice... and he agreed. Said he would continue to train me if I wished, whether I joined the Academy or not. And Deimos... if he keeps hosting classes, I will be happy to attend them.

"It's just..."

Chewing on the words for a moment, she breathed to try and ease off a sense of claustrophobia that threatened to settle over her. For all that Jigano was speaking calmly and with kindness, it was plain to her that the ultimatum still stood. He wouldn't change his mind on it, and she had no more arguments to sway him with. So all that was left was the truth. Plain and stark and ugly.

"I just.. feel so trapped here, Jigano. Not in the guild, not with this work, but in the Hollow Ground. I keep thinking that it's all a dream, that I'll wake up one day and find the barrier has come back. That it never lifted in the first place, and all I'll ever do with the rest of my life is repeat the same old patterns as before. Unable to move, or change."

Swallowing hard, fighting a prickling sensation spreading through her jaw as her voice grew unsteady, Maea sought to look at the bard again, quiet frustration burning in her eyes. In the end, it wasn't even about the Academy, even though it irked her to be held back from it, to have to give up this place she loved for something she felt had to be done.

"I feel like I have to move, leave, go somewhere, anywhere other than here. Like there's something I'm supposed to do, only I have no idea what it is."

Even after the past year and a half – was it truly almost two years? – on Caido, Jigano had still never accepted the bad-feeling towards the Abandoned. Perhaps he had spent too long on his own world, where magic was normal to the point of mundanity, but even after learning some of the history behind the Voice and the barrier, even after Safrin’s punishment and the blossoming of a new power within him, her accidental blessing that she would likely view as a curse, he still wanted to see his friends who were mages blossom and grow in their power. Maea’s experience with magic being shunned and hidden was one he could understand intellectually but not viscerally.

He listened to her, nodding as she mentioned Loren, for he had sought out the summoner, too. Nodded again at the reminder of their class with Deimos – something he should hold as well, one aimed less at violence and more towards theory and control, perhaps – but there was something else weighing her tongue down and he waited patiently as she worked her way towards it.

When it came it wasn’t what he had expected – not that he’d known what to expect, only… somehow, this seemed far different than anything else. He nodded slowly in understanding of the feelings she described, but some confusion still remained. ”There are many places to go,” he agreed, head tilted at her curiously. ”The Greatwood, Torchline, Halo… and other places as well, if the Ascended have their way.” Jigano nibbled his lip for a moment, seeking a common thread… then gave up on guessing and asked her directly. ”What does Zariah have that Loren, Deimos, and myself don’t?” he asked at last, voice quiet to hide the hurt she caused. ”Loren is in Halo. I’d be willing to go to Torchline to teach. We have a Fae colleague among the Loreseekers now who might be willing to train you as best they can in their magic in the Greatwood. With all those options, all these places and other people, why do you cling so tightly to the one person who picked a fight with this Guild as a whole?”

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

She was quiet for a long time. Tried to find the answer for herself, as much as for him. Though he tried to hide the hurt she sensed it in him anyway, the careful way he picked his words, and it cut her to know that she was causing pain even without wishing to. Even when she tried to steer away from it.

"I think... probably, because it isn't safe?" It was as much a question to herself as an answer for Jigano. "Because... if I go there, I will not be among friends. There will not be anyone to catch me if I fall there. Because... Zariah is dangerous, and if I can handle her, it feels as though I could face anything, anyone and make it out alive."

It... sounded rather insane, to be honest, and she grimaced at her own words. Felt the oily taste of them on her tongue, and with a groan she buried her face in her hands, conflicting emotions and thoughts warring within her head again, like it had all through the night.

"Honestly, I'm not even sure what I want anymore. On one hand, yes, I want the Academy. Not  only for the challenge Zariah but for the structure of it, the idea of studying one thing together with others who are like me. But Sunjata hates Halo and I don't want to be away from him if I can help it. Nor do I want to leave this Guild, I really don't. Torchline is interesting but I can't move freely there no more than I can here under the accursed sunlight, and... and I just don't know.

"I'm sorry, I thought I had this all figured out but it seems I really do not." She made a frustrated gesture and looked away from him, embarrassed to unload her troubles on him like this. As if he didn't have enough to concern himself with already.

If only she didn't have to choose. If only she could do everything she wanted and face no consequences. But that wasn't life, was it? To gain, you had to give and she should know by now that there would always be a price to pay. Even for happiness.

Especially for happiness.

He listened, neither nodding nor frowning but simply accepting her words and letting them sink in as he considered them. He thought about what Sunjata had said before, part of their combined argument for Maea going to the Academy, and he watched her soberly. He didn’t interrupt, though, letting her work through the rest of it as best she could when emotions and conflicting desires thwarted every attempt to make a clean path to the best choice. The apology and admission at the end finally drew a slow breath from him, and a nod of understanding and acknowledgment.

”Sunjata said that he has agents there who could keep an eye on you, so while I think it would still be dangerous, it might not be as dangerous,” he acknowledged reluctantly, not sure what the Devil’s Advocate’s people could really do to defend Maea if Zariah called her out as a spy. ”But as for the Flood himself… that is between you and he.” He could only shrug helplessly, not wanting to get between Maea and someone she had maybe, possibly, fallen in love with? It was her own business and she’d tell him more when she was ready, but it sounded somewhat serious.

He tapped a thoughtful finger on the back of the chair until the whistle of the kettle interrupted his thoughts, and for a few minutes there was only the clink and steam of fresh tea being added to the pot and hot water being poured over it before Jigano brought pot and fresh cups back to the table. He hummed thoughtfully to himself as he worked, but when he finally sat down again his gaze was clearer.

”There is something to keep in mind, too,” he said gently. ”And that is that the Loreseekers are a guild, not a cult. You can leave us for a time if you truly wish to attend the Academy, and when you finish your studies there you can return to us.”

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

There was far less protest than she had expected. No objections against her reckless desire to push the limits and grow out of herself, to get lost and perhaps somehow find herself, her true self somewhere out there. Lowering her hands from the eyes, Maea listened to his words, found them non-committal, almost... relenting. There was a slight urge within her to say she'd give up the idea of spying, that there wasn't much of a point to it, but... that had been one of her main reasons for going. Still was, no matter how much Loren suggested it might be pointless. Needlessly risky.

It wasn't until he came with the suggestion of leaving and then returning that she sat up straighter, brows rising high in surprise.

"You would allow that?" she asked, quite taken aback. "But... why? What is the difference between allowing people who have studied there, and allowing people who are studying at the Academy?"

It was a small ray of hope, but... the reasoning evaded her. The association with Zariah would still be there, in the end, if that's what he resented so.

He could better understand her desire to test herself and discover what she wanted from life than he did her insistence on being a spy when Sunjata already had agents and Loren was already in place, higher up and closer to the seat of power than Maea was likely to come anytime soon. It was that focus on her desires and her personal questions that had softened him, rather than the doubling down on doing something that felt redundant.

It hadn't really occurred to him at first that she might have been thinking that the Loreseekers wouldn't allow people back. She'd already been allowed back once before, after all, after her most recent disappearance.

Her question earned a raised brow and he smiled a little at it. "I can make an exception and not allow it, if you'd prefer?" he teased gently. "But people can diverge from the path I have set for this guild, too. You can go out and try other guilds, other groups, and find if they suit you better. Some organizations we are allied with and work well with - the Healer's College and the Artisan's, for example - but Zariah..." he sighed and shook his head, collecting his thoughts to answer the question she had posed.

"As long as you are studying with her she will view you as her pawn, at best a useful ally, and others will as well. Once you are no longer at her side  and under her tutelage - her command - you lose that connection to her... just as, if you aren't a Loreseeker when you go to her, you lose the connection to me, and any grudges she might still hide or hold shouldn't fall on you, either. If you go to her and study and decide that you prefer her tutelage and her view of mages, then you may choose to stay with her, and coming back to the Loreseekers would be a moot point. If, however, you decide that you don't agree with her once you have gotten to know her better, why wouldn't you be able to come back here once you've broken ranks with her and rejected her way of thinking?"

He smiled wryly, tilting his head in his foxy way at her. "She might not care about the Loreseekers anymore. Ideally, that will be the case. But just as there will be consequences to my actions in this, these are consequences to her actions and what she did. She crossed a line, and I will admit that I am only human," his lips twisted in a wry, painful smile as Safrin's words came back to him, "and I, too, am flawed. I also hold grudges, and this is one of them." He paused to pour the tea, offering the steaming cup to Maea and collecting his own. "But I understand that you don't know her. You weren't here for her rule, and all of these are just abstract stories to you. I've been thinking about what you said last time, and... I see that you need to find out for yourself what she can teach and what she's really like. Once you've learned what those of us who were here last year did, I hope you'll choose to come back to the Loreseekers... but you are the only one who can decide what's best for you, now and in the future."