cinders and smoke

remi The higher I climb the farther I fall when I do Time passed differently without Ronin around. It might have been days or years that the hunter was gone. Colour had drained from the world without his counterpart beside him. Once that snippet of poetic dribble might have made Remi smile; Ronin was the star in his sky, light of his life both literally and metaphorical. Now the thought of it only made him feel cold. The only reason he'd turned away Ludo's offer to take him out of this life was because of Ronin, and surely after all the two had been through, being the only reason the alchemist continued to live was far too much of a burden.  Ronin had called him one after all, that day on the beach. They'd promised each other till death do us part, but they'd never said whose death. That thought should have broken Remi in itself. That it didn't was part of the problem as well. Knees shredded raw from the sand, nails broken and bloody from hand-digging in the hard-packed sand, Remi sat askew on the sands staring blankly out to sea. He could have dug the grave with magic, but it didn't feel right. The pain was an echo of something real, though no matter how he tried he couldn't quite grasp it. He couldn't quite grasp anything, anymore.

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving Rebuilding the Temple, putting up beams, letting Sugar show off for strangers, laughing... Returning to Torchline was like returning from another life. And the most twisted part was that Ronin couldn’t wait. Being back in the Hollowed Ground had been like putting on a show, one that was exhausting however much good it had done him. To take off that mask and return to soft sands and lazy heat was a balm on the jagged parts of his personality. But there was no denying that there was a little more light in his eyes, a little more purpose in his step. He hadn’t been gone longer than a day, as promised, but he didn’t return alone. Sugar, heedless for the moment of the new environment, remained draped across the back of a magnificent unicorn. Isla has followed willingly when Ronin had found her, and now here the three of them were, back from the past to find the one most important to them. And so when Ronin spotted the figure up the beach, instantly recognisable, he called out a greeting and set off to meet Remi. Something deep and warm thrummed through him at the welcome sight of his husband, though the hunter was not sure what kind of state he would find Remi in.

remi The higher I climb the farther I fall when I do There was a strange pattern of wounds on Remi's back and arms; small red marks that, when combined with the feathers lining the bottom of the hand-dug grave, might be better understood. Or not. Ronin seemed well on his way toward forgetting the language of madness. Turning towards the sound of the call, Remi was stunned to see the trio making their way across the sands. He'd absolutely forgotten about both dragon and unicorn, though that wasn't the most jarring thing about the scene. It was how impossibly beautiful and handsome Ronin looked, bathed in sunset hues accompanied by creatures from myth and legend. He looked whole. He looked whole. Earlier Remi wanted to run to Ronin, to tightly wrap his arms about his husband and threaten to never let go. Now, he simply nodded over his shoulder waiting until Ronin was closer before speaking.  "How was that?" He asked of the temple re-construction project.

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving It would be a lie to say that the wind wasn’t somewhat knocked out of Ronin’s sails at receiving such a detached greeting; the alchemist hadn’t strayed far from his thoughts since stepping back through the Grounds portal. But he rallied himself and slowed his steps as they drew close, Ronin leaving Isla and Sugar to do whatever they were going to, more focused on his husband. Naturally he noticed the wounds first; a pattern of punctures that he tried to make sense of, not seeing yet the feathers lining the thing he didn’t recognise. ”What happened?” he asked; no judgement, mere curiosity at whether or not they would be fighting off thugs in the coming hours, or seeking vengeance. As for the temple? ”I helped to put the roof back up. It was a job.” He didn’t know if that conveyed it accurately; what he intended to say was that he hadn’t exactly been filled with divine purpose in doing it. ”What have you been doing here?” Now he saw the bloodied knees, the broken nails, Ronin sinking down to sit with Remi and talk properly.

remi The higher I climb the farther I fall when I do Interpreting the question a different way, the alchemist ran a distracted hand through his curls. "I saw Ludo." He replied as if that explained everything. Raising a brow at this, Remi considered asking who was there. Those with creation and earth magic could have had the Temple reconstructed with ease. If Ronin had been there as a sort of penance, who else had joined him, and why? Quickly though he realized he didn't care at all, and merely nodded at his husband's brief explanation. Small shells were strewn (or placed intentionally?) around the hole. Looking at it now, Remi realized that's precisely what it looked like: a hole. It wasn't a grave at all. Pressing at the space between his eyes, the alchemist shook his head as if he didn't know. "A grave." He said after a moment, opening his eyes to regard Ronin with a haunted stare. "It was meant to be a grave." Then, as if realizing something, Remi reached a hand forward, palm up and fingers seeking out Ronin's. "I didn't know it wasn't enough for you. What we did. I didn't know you would want a different way to remember her. To honour her."

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving I saw Ludo. It was a simple sentence but one that filled Ronin with dread, and he found himself looking over his husband in renewed detail, like he could see any new curses or mental injuries. Alas, for all of his abilities, that wasn't one of them. "What happened, when you saw it? Are you alright?" A stupid question that always seemed to slip out these days. Remi wasn't alright, might never be alright again. Following Remi's gaze down at the pit decorated with shells and feathers (and oh, now Ronin understood the blood, the wounds), he tilted his head slowly. "A grave?" he repeated, uncomprehending. "A grave for..." Meeting the alchemist's stare told him everything he needed to know. Ronin felt the breath catch in his chest, felt himself tense all over; suddenly the Longheat sun did not seem so warm. What exactly Remi expected to put in her grave was a mystery in itself - Aoife's remains were long gone, her ashes sucked into the sea or drifting into the sky. Surrendering his hand willingly to his husband, Ronin lifted bloody fingers to his lips to kiss them, like he could fix them up that way. "...It wasn't about me," he said in quiet explanation regarding Aoife's cremation. "I thought it was enough, what we had done. I didn't want to hurt you any more than you were already hurting."

remi The higher I climb the farther I fall when I do "Curse free, memory intact." Remi replied, knowing that was only part of what his husband was asking. The other part hadn't quite been worked out yet, so he couldn't comment. Remi felt a horrific lack of nothing as his fingers were tenderly taken and kissed. "But it should have been." He whispered back, voice as empty as the grave.  "It should have been." He repeated dully, fingers limp in Ronin's before he rallied and drew the hunter's hand to his. "I don't know that I can ever be the man I used to be. I don't know...what links him to me, other than time." This wasn't what he actually wanted to be saying, but words had always been one of his biggest failings. Closing his fingers around Ronin's and letting them drop to the sands, Remi sighed. "I think whatever there was to love about me is gone now. I feel like an anchor..just something hard to carry around." Looking down dully into the sands rather than into the handsome face he assumed was already prepping a response of no of course not, Remi closed his eyes. "Ludo asked me if I wanted to go with it. I nearly said yes." He admitted in a soft voice. "I don't know how much longer I can go on like this."

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving A dark part of Ronin believed that perhaps it would have been better for Remi's memory to have been taken, but he didn't admit to it. Instead he focused on what was real, on here, now, and the limp fingers between his own. "What difference would there be, if I had made it all about me?" he said softly, raising his gaze to Remi, lips parting to speak but the words dying as he heard his counterpart out. It was like being punched in the chest, to hear it said so frankly, with a sincerity not coloured by drink or anger or hysteria. Ronin swallowed hard, attempting a demeanour of calm, but the light that fractured out of him betrayed his true feelings. (Thanks, Safrin). He didn't look away, even at the confession about wanting to go with Ludo, instead reaching out with his free hand to gently tilt Remi's chin up, that he might talk to him properly. One love to another. "Do you remember when I was blighted?" he asked. Tears pricked the corners of Ronin's eyes, and when he spoke it was quiet to stop his voice from trembling. "Whoever you are, whoever you're becoming... I'm more interested in finding out than abandoning you. If you need carrying for a while, let me. You've done it enough for me in the past. And I'm sorry, but I don't believe that there is nothing left to love about you. Else I'd already be gone." He shrugged. "And if you want to go with Ludo - if this is all too much, if this is it... We'll go together."

remi The higher I climb the farther I fall when I do "Well, for one I wouldn't be sitting here think we were on the same page about all of this." He muttered, almost unhappily. There had been comfort in knowing that his self-destruction was mirrored in Ronin. That it was them against the world, their hearts similarly scorched and dark. To find out that he had been wrong on so many levels—the grave, the manner in which they let Aoife ago, willingness to step back into the world they'd left behind—was isolating. Looking into Ronin's eyes was hard. It filled Remi with a melancholy kind of wonder and sadness. Those eyes that had seen so much, had seen him once upon a time, were just a lonely sort of blue now. Remi's brow furrowed for a moment in recognition—of course he remembered—though he didn't understand the relevance. "Are you comparing the blight to the death of our daughter, Ronin?" He asked in a low voice. "Interested." The alchemist recoiled slightly at that, pulling his hand free of Ronin's to ruffle it through his curls. "That's the thing Ronin. I don't think it will be awhile." Swallowing hard, Remi smirked sourly as he puffed a breath from his nose. "You were gone today." Petty and unfair, but the words felt real and right just then. There was being away, and then there was being gone. Today, it had felt like Ronin was gone. Then again, maybe it was just poor timing. Instantly Remi shook his head. 'You see? An anchor. Without me pulling you'd down, you'd never consider such otherwise."

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving Ronin went to speak, then thought better of the words, nodding to Remi. "No, you're right. I should have been more honest. I tried, I think - when we spoke about not mentioning her - but I was just trying to cling on to what I had." To cling on to you, even if it meant pretending. "And then when Safrin came to the beach..." He scowled and looked away, the memory of the goddess's arms around him, the sensation of weightlessness and remorse still too close for comfort. "I didn't talk about that either, did I?" Remi let his hand go and Ronin rubbed at his eyes, feeling a million miles away from the man he loved. "No, of course I'm not. I'm comparing how you wouldn't give up on me, even at my worst, to the way I feel about you right now." Even if Remi was never the same. Even if he never so much as smiled in his direction. As long as he was happy Ronin didn't care. But that was the thing - Remi wasn't happy. But he didn't want to die, either. Apparently. Ronin smiled sadly down at the sand, shrugging his shoulders at the alchemist. "Then I will carry you forever," he said simply, honestly, nodding even in agreement with the petty barb flung his way. "I was gone. But I had been gone for a long time before then - I'm back now, though, and I'm not leaving you." Running gentle fingers across the sand, Ronin chewed at his lower lip. "Without you holding me down I'd have flown into the sun years ago," he said. "I'm the sort of person who needs an anchor, Remi. And that's you for me."

remi The higher I climb the farther I fall when I do Remi hummed at this. He couldn't remember the conversation clearly, but it wouldn't have surprised him to know that he'd swamped Ronin's wishes with his own haste. "No. But that's always been...personal." He mumbled. 'Your worst was animal blood and living in the woods." Remi said a shade challengingly. "And it hadn't been your fault...it was an infection or a disease. Not.." Not the death of a child. Tears should have prickled Remi's eyes then. His heart should have lightened or stiffened or something. It should have done something, but it didn't. That it didn't was precisely the problem. Looking back at Ronin, Remi's head tilted ever so slightly to the side. "I don't feel anything anymore, Ronin." He admitted softly. "I'm afraid I won't ever again. Going with Ludo wouldn't have been a relief, it just seemed an easy way to end all of this. Even looking at you now.." Impossibly handsome, perfectly in love. "..Ludo offered to give me a purpose and my first thought was why. Why bother. Why anything, anymore." Pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them in an uncharacteristic posture of defeat and submission, Remi sighed heavily.

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving "Personal hardly matters when it comes to us," Ronin said softly. "...She warned me that if I continued on the path I was on, she could make Aoife's death look like nothing," he muttered. "She accused me of taking my anger out on everything else, of blaming her." Rubbing his forehead, he glanced sideways at Remi. "And she was right, too. So I'm trying to just... own my actions. Whether I decide to get fighty in a bar or love you until you're just bonedust, at least it's something I chose for myself." He snorted softly. "And this wasn't your fault either, Remi. I know you don't want to hear it, but it's true. It isn't your fault she died." As Remi's knees pulled to his chest, Ronin scooted closer, an arm moving around the alchemist's shoulders. Maybe it was selfish to want him close, but if Remi felt nothing, Ronin figured it wouldn't matter so much. "Instead of asking why, how about you try and answer the question?" he asked softly. "Why bother? Why are you still here, if you feel nothing? Why make this grave?"

remi The higher I climb the farther I fall when I do Remi's lips twitched ever so slightly And yet.. the gesture seemed to say, but he kept quiet as Ronin explained. "I'm not sure such a thing exists. Suffering worse than this." He replied softly. "Though that is not a challenge." He growled into the air, glancing about as if any moment Ludo or Safrin might appear to take him up on it. He'd not argue with Ronin, not about this. It wasn't the sort of thing that was done, convincing your husband that yes, you were the reason your child died. But it was. Why else had he strength, if not to protect those he loved? Hadn't he brought her there? Hadn't he failed to pay attention? Hadn't he, accused many times over of playing the hero, failed even in that? "You." Remi replied instantly, looking over his shoulder as Ronin neared. "You're the only reason I'm still here. This grave is...other than being incredibly poorly done, is for you. Ludo was the one to tell me how you felt." He added, shrugging beneath the weight of Ronin's arm.

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving "No, I am not sure either," Ronin said softly, echoing the sentiment and managing a sad smile as Remi spoke out to the air around them. He couldn't blame him - with Safrin's threat at the back of his mind, he found it all too likely that any god or goddess out there might take up that challenge if they weren't careful. His blue eyes dropped back to the winding sands at the confirmation he hadn't been looking for, exactly, but still felt the weight of when it came. "Me," he echoed, his thumb grazing across the firm musculature of Remi's shoulder. Sighing deeply, he nodded to his husband. "Thank you, for making it. I don't think it is poorly done at all, I just wonder what we are meant to put in it." A dark joke, certainly, but it was still something to consider. And would the tide steal it away, he wondered, when it came in? "Remi... If you were staying around for me and at least enjoying it, that would be different. But..." Ronin stared determinedly at the sun, as if that would keep his voice steady. "If you're just staying because you think that I wouldn't cope with you gone, that's... not a good enough reason. Because you're already dead this way. You're just... sticking around in your body so I don't get lonely."