we could find new ways to fall apart

whatever comes, let it come

what stays, let it stay

Lifting his head so he could shake it, a look of total despair in his eyes, Loren tapped the bar for another drink. "So what if it happened fast? It still happened." As another mug was placed in front of him, he took a long drink, then gave Sunjata a dark look. "Peter's gone. And Adam."

However, something about the healer's expression changed at the bartender's next comment. "You're right it's always more death. No matter what we do. Doesn't matter what fucking world it is." Free hand clenching into a fist, the Launceleyn was silent for a long moment.

"I've been asking myself why I'm still alive a lot recently." It came out just a shade too casually, as if he didn't much care about the answer.

Staring into the mug, he barked out a laugh. "Did you ask?" Looking at the other man, Loren's jaw feathered with tension.

what goes, let go

LOREN

don't you know i'm no good for you?

“I’m aware.” He says somewhat sharply. Well aware that Peter and Adam are both gone. He’d seen it with his own eyes, felt it with his heart. He’s quiet when Loren continues on the tirade, exhaling slowly through his nose as he moves his hand back down to the mug to push it forward for a refill, staring ahead – anywhere but at Loren or any of the other patrons in the bar. The next comment from the summoner comes out casually, and Sunjata closes his eyes for a brief moment, recalling what he’d told Maea.

It should’ve been him, in the end. Not Peter, not Adam. It should have been him. And it wasn’t.

“You too?” He asks hollowly, though he isn’t really listening for an answer – at least until Loren’s attention turns to him and asks him a question that makes little sense to him. “Did I ask what, Loren?”

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

whatever comes, let it come

what stays, let it stay

"Well your awareness won't bring them back. Gods, Sunjata. Peter was my family." It came out just a little too loudly, a little too forcefully, and a little too sharply.

Knocking back the latest mug, Loren tapped for another. He'd been trying to cut back on the drinking, but despite his best efforts he always came back to it. "What do you mean, you too?" Giving Sunjata an appraising look, the healer felt tears spring to his eyes, ones that he (as always) did his best to blink away.

Taking the latest mug (too many, too fast, but who cared at this point) he stared into it as he had been when the bartender first came upon the Launceleyn. "Did you consider what facing a dragon might entail? And whether it was worth whatever Safrin asked of you? He swallowed, a twisted grimace crossing his lips. "Because I could've told you what it might be like."

what goes, let go

LOREN

don't you know i'm no good for you?

’Peter was my family.’ And Peter had been like a brother to him too, the same with Adam. Hell, even Adam had pierced Sunjata’s ears, Peter had been there for him when he needed support after Lusea’s second death. They were his friends and guildmates, and here he had walked them into the lair of a dragon unprepared.

As if he didn’t already harbor enough guilt from that.

The question of ‘you too’ is passed off with a small shake of his head. “Sometimes thoughts get a bit too dark.” A noncommittal answer, in light of everything that was there – he had already decided that it should have been him rather than Peter and Adam that perished, but Maea had been right… He was alive, and despite their deaths, it was still something.

His jaw clenches as Loren continues, shaking his head, a huff of a sound leaving him. “She needed a rare heart, we thought we might have had a decent shot with a dragon because Attuned can talk to it. Only we got too close.” It sounded alright from the start. “Amalia wanted to try and convince it to come to the Shrine, so we hadn’t intended to go in with weapons drawn.” At least, not until Adam fired the shot.

“We did get a dragon’s heart.” He frowns into his mug, downing the contents quickly and with reckless abandon.

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

whatever comes, let it come

what stays, let it stay

Eyes tightening, Loren tossed back his mug, chugging it down and then slamming it to the bar. Nodding at the (non-Sunjata) bartender for another (and in doing so, ignoring all the rules Maea had set), the healer turned back towards Sunjata. "Actions too." It came out almost menacing.

Another mug was placed before Launceleyn, and he gripped it tightly. "A heart of a rare creature. And you wanted to bring it in alive." Laughing mercilessly, tears started streaming down the his cheeks. "Did it occur to you that you could probably nonviolently subdue a rare creature slightly less dangerous than a dragon, without needing talk to it?" The words came out as an accusation.

Taking a drink, he narrowed his eyes at the bartender. "How?" Another feeling of dread uncoiled within him.

what goes, let go

LOREN

don't you know i'm no good for you?

A muscle feathers in his jaw as he clenches it, staring at the mug between his hands. He knows it could’ve gone better, knows they could’ve gone and went after something else but they hadn’t. The past was the past now, however fresh and recent it was. There were many things they could’ve done better but didn’t.

“It was Amalia’s request.” He says quietly. That they bring a creature alive to the shrine. But also, they hadn’t quite realized the size of the dragons as well, being unfamiliar with them as much as anyone else. But Loren’s tirade bags onto the ones he’s put upon himself already, an echo and an echo, and he can’t find it in him to continue the argument — too deep into it that the barbs and accusations are only added further into the mix. And what else can he say to that?

“Coffee.” Is his simple response to the ‘how’. He lifts the mug to his lips and downs the rest of the contents, both elbows on the table as he rests his hands along his face, rubbing his forehead.

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

whatever comes, let it come

what stays, let it stay

Loren practically snarled at Sunjata's next comment, grief writ large on the healer's features. "So what? Since when do you listen to other people?" Again, his fingers grew white-knuckled on his mug.

As the bartender revealed that they were planning to use Coffee's body, the Launceleyn swallowed, a hard lump suddenly in his throats. "Gods." Taking a long drink, he found himself staring into his mug after.

"The last thing I told Peter was to not make the same mistakes I did. To do what made him happy." The words came out in a soft and broken tone. "Why is it always..." His voice trailed off, since he knew he wouldn't like the answer to whatever question he was going to ask.

what goes, let go

LOREN

don't you know i'm no good for you?

Since when did he listen to other people? He shakes his head once again, focusing on the mug within his hands. “Since I need her for another part of the quest.” And that was really the only reason why, at the end of the day. Otherwise, he’d have preferred to go after something else. But he finishes his mug, unsure what number he’s on now, after telling Loren they planned to use Coffee’s body for the shrine.

He lets Loren’s words trail off, quiet, sorrowfully. “They died in each other’s arms.” He says quietly, pulling his hands away from his face to clench his teeth again, inhaling sharply in his nose before looking over to Loren. “I’m sorry, Loren.” An apology for the family lost, the friends lost, the fact that he wouldn’t see Adam or Peter’s face around any longer…

Gods. As if he couldn’t possibly feel worse about it.

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

whatever comes, let it come

what stays, let it stay

Loren screwed his eyes shut. "Of course. Of course you do." The words came out quietly and bitterly. "There's always something." That too came out in that same broken tone.

Finishing the mug, he tapped the bar for another. "Well that's something." Even the sarcasm was weak, buried under an almost overwhelming amount of grief.

"Keep your apologies." Laughing humorlessly, he accepted the latest mug. "They don't mean anything to me. And would you have done anything different?"

Then he shook his head. "Doesn't matter." His mouth twisted into a grimace. "I imagine you're not going to be willing to apologize to me for much longer."

Glancing around, he made sure no one was listening to them. Then he tossed his mug back again. "I slit my wrists in front of Maea." It came out barely above a whisper, and he stared into his empty mug.

what goes, let go

LOREN

don't you know i'm no good for you?

Would he have done anything different? Yes, absolutely. His jaw clenches as he stares at Loren, resisting the urge to grind his teeth in the implications from the summoner. “I knew them longer than most here, so yeah. I’m pretty sure I would’ve done things different.” There’s an edge to his tone, something of a bite to his words. He watches as Loren continues on, something about how it wouldn’t matter much longer and his steel gaze narrows on the man.

And when the whisper hits his ears, loudly because of his earring, his brows furrow together and he slides the mug away from him, turning more fully to face the summoner. Perhaps that’s why Maea had been so upset when Sunjata had mentioned that it should’ve been him, when he mentioned he gets those thoughts occasionally.

But to do it in front of someone? Not just someone, but Maea? He hisses, growling beneath his breath. “What the fuck, Loren? Did you think for a second? Were you hoping it would work or making a fucking point?” He can’t find it in him to care and be careful about it — not when it was death after more death and here Loren was wasting it away. Hadn’t he been the one to tell him to live life to the fullest once Lusea had died? To honor her memory or what not?

It pisses him off that Peter and Adam had perished and Loren was here, reckless with his own life.

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

whatever comes, let it come

what stays, let it stay

Raising his eyebrows at Sunjata, Loren turned to face the bartender more fully. "What? What would you have done differently, with the knowledge you had then?" It came out almost as a challenge.

However, all the anger bled out of the healer, leaving just a quietly despairing expression on his face. As the other man demanded an explanation, the Launceleyn bit his lip. "She asked what the worst thing I could think of was, besides jumping off the roof we were on." Again, his voice was quiet and he closed his eyes tightly. "So I showed her." Turning his palms up, he exposed his entirely unblemished and unmarked wrists.

what goes, let go

LOREN

don't you know i'm no good for you?

“Well for one, not letting them get close to it. I didn’t know Peter was so close to it.” He says somewhat through clenched teeth — but it’s a losing argument, one that will go around and around until they’re out of breath, no minds changed. It’s almost good that Loren brings up what happened, something else to feel, something dark stirring within him to replace the sorrow and sadness.

He’s facing Loren when the summoner explains, internally wincing at the mention of rooftops, of how he’d told Maea the same… But when Loren reveals healed wrists to him Sunjata shakes his head, narrowed eyes focused on Loren with a familiar predatory gleam. “You showed her.” He hisses in some amount of disbelief, anger, frustration. If the summoner was looking for any form of sympathy, Sunjata can’t find it in him to care.

“And then what? You healed right back up to normal? As if it never fucking happened and just pretended things were alright again?” He snaps, fingers shifting to claws that dig into the top of the bar. “And that makes it all okay?”

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

whatever comes, let it come

what stays, let it stay

Loren just shook his head sadly at Sunjata’s comment. ”I said with the knowledge you had then.” Voice quiet, clearly unwilling to continue the argument, the healer just took a long drink. ”To Peter and Adam.” Listlessly, he toasted in memory of the two.

As the bartender grew rightfully angry, the Launceleyn looked away, though his eyes were still closed. "I did." Again, his voice was soft and guilty. Opening his eyes, he stared steadily away from the other man.

When Sunjata asked if it made it all okay, the Launceleyn shook his head and dropped his hands to his lap. "Of course not. She...made me promise to take better care of myself. To drink less, spend more time with Astra. And never to..." Voice trailing off, Loren glanced down at his arms, not able to say the words again. "Maea's watching me closely." His tone was more than a bit ashamed.

what goes, let go

LOREN

don't you know i'm no good for you?

Well, he had been last of the pack, in no position to make recommendations or orders to prevent them from getting close. Peter had already neared the dragon when he had stepped into the cavern. So perhaps, perhaps Sunjata thinks that if he were ahead of them all that it would be different. Regardless. He offers a nod to the drink, not giving in when his emotions were already so volatile.

And Loren refuses to look at him, which only makes his jaw clench further until the bone aches and he loosens his mouth with a heavy sigh, reaching up to rub at his temple. “For the love of Safrin, Loren.” He says somewhat exasperated, clearly drunk as his hand falls back to the top of the bar and he reaches for the pack of smokes in his pocket, not caring if Loren didn’t like the smell or to take it outside. A few heartbeats pass, silence, before Sunjata lights his and stares at the mug on the table top. “She made me promise the same.” A quiet admittance with a hoarse voice before he shakes his head again and takes a deep drag. “But if you ever even think about trying it again all I ask is that it’s not in front of her.” He stares at the smoke curling in the air, stares at the embers crackling at the end of the cigarette. “Please.”

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA