the house that built me

With the storm still brewing with no sign of stopping anytime soon outside, Remi had suggested that perhaps the two might talk at the Hanged Man. The wagon in which he and Ronin currently lived was hardly large enough for the two of them and would be far too intimidate a sitting to speak with Jigano. So to the bar it was. "Thanks for the help, earlier." Remi said, almost awkwardly filling the silence with small talk. It was clear that this isn't what he'd asked Jigano to speak with him about, but the boyish look on Remi's features suggested he wasn't entirely sure how he was meant to begin the conversation he wanted to have. remi Too long till I drown in your hands

Bars had been his 'home' for several long years before he'd come to Caido, his wandering feet taking him through a procession of taverns, inns, and the like along his path southward. Though this one was new to him in terms of decor, it was a comfortable place to come in out of the rain, and Jigano gladly squeezed the water out of his hair and tunic at the door before following Remi inside.

He was, admittedly, extremely curious as to what the alchemist had called him here for, but he was also just glad to see the young man again, alive - if heavily scarred - and far from the raging monster Sam had painted him as. "My pleasure," he assured his companion with a nod and a small smile. "It sounded like the sort of thing that Ludo would appreciate, and I wanted to help. And..." he hesitated, then pushed ahead. "I was worried. What I'd heard from Loren and Sam was..." He drew in a breath, meeting Remi's gaze frankly. "It was frightening. I wasn't sure if you'd want to see any of us again after... everything that happened." Fiat Lux. Aoife's loss. Ronin's rage. And then whatever Safrin had done when she'd whisked them away.

"That was the point of it." The alchemist agreed, the corners of his lips twitching into a half-smile as he wondered if this wasn't Jigano's way of leading him down the conversational path he was finding himself searching for. At the mention of both Loren and Sam's names, the alchemist's smile faded entirely as if slapped away, replaced with a scowl. "I can only imagine what a well-rounded and unbiased account of things they had to offer." He said bitterly, leaning back into his chair such that the front two legs came off the ground. Tapping his fingers on the arms, the alchemist sighed. "I absolutely didn't want to see any of you again. But then the portals opened and with it spilled all those I was happy to leave behind." A finger continued to tap out an anxious rhythm against the woodgrain of the chair. "I'm better now, than I was when last Sam and Loren saw me, but I can't say I regret how I treated them." Sam and his neediness, screaming Aoife's name into the night and Loren slashing his throat as if it were a chip to be played in a chess game Remi hadn't agreed to play with him. If he never saw either of them again, it would be too soon. remi Too long till I drown in your hands

Jigano smiled back, a little surprised to hear the alchemist seeking out the masked god's approval after all that stood between them; stolen memories and lost masks and deadly tricks played on a wounded heart. Still, if there was a way to earn a spot back in Ludo's favor he would help the alchemist reach it, knowing too well how much a god's wrath could hurt in ways that were impossible explain to those who had not lived it at the time.

The smile faded abruptly as the bitterness rose to Remi's tongue, anger spilling out more like what Sam had described. Jigano listened quietly, tilting his head to the side as he watched the man who was almost a friend - or had almost been, before the doomed festival had changed everything and shattered more families than just the ones he knew personally. He had only Loren's account of Remi's attempted suicide before Safrin's intervention, not their more recent encounter, but Sam's tale had been distressing enough. Hearing that Remi didn't regret trying to kill one of his dear friends...

"Sam... admitted that he went too far," Jigano acknowledged. "For what that's worth. He's scared enough to stay away for a while now, though, I think. It sounds like I shouldn't bother apologizing for not seeking you out sooner, but I am glad that you're doing better." He had managed to stuff his foot in his mouth in near-record time, he thought with an internal wince, but it was too late to take those unfortunate names back now. He lapsed back into uncomfortable silence, letting Remi choose where to take the conversation next in the hopes that it wouldn't be quite so fraught with potential pitfalls.

At this, the alchemist merely rolled his eyes. Once, there had been almost nothing that Remi wouldn't forgive. Now there was hardly anything that he would. "Too far hardly begins to describe it." Remi huffed darkly. "As for staying away? Of course he will. He wrote me a note saying he would always be there for me, though I suspect that's just a bit of nonsense he tells himself so that he might feel better." Remi shrugged. "It's one thing to put the ball in someone else's court. It's another thing to do it and then quit the game." As ever, Sam's ability to be selfless and strong lasted about as long as his ability to stay in the sun did. Biting the inside of his lip and looking out towards where the storm still raged over the ocean, Remi closed his eyes and swept a hand across them for a moment before exhaling a long breath. 'You're the only one I know remotely close to Ludo, save for Maea. That you've...navigated it far better than I have isn't a surprise, but I can't help but wonder why. Why the lantern? Why the loyalty? Why not let death do its job?" The questions sounded far more critical than the alchemist intended them to, and he found himself sighing again as if wanting to erase all that he'd just said. "Can it be trusted, do you think? For all its tricks...does it have good intentions?" remi Too long till I drown in your hands

Jigano simply watched Remi's frustrations with the bookmaker, understanding them very well himself given how he and Sam had been wrangling over the Voice for the past half year or so. What was between the two once-lovers, once-friends was their own to navigate - though Sam had done Remi a grave disservice by using his daughter's name as a weapon, even by the Ascended scholar's own admission. The bard may have been friends with Sam, but he had no illusions about his guildmate's poor choices.

Not that he could claim that much better.

When Remi spoke again, Jigano watched him for a moment before glancing out to the storm, wondering what he saw there. The questions and near-interrogation brought a quirk of a smile to his lips and he tilted his head in acknowledgment. "You sound like Safrin," he murmured, resigned but amused, and not terribly offended. "Whose favor I have navigated with far less success, I might add. But Ludo and I..." He paused to think, combing through the encounters he'd had with the god; gifts and curses, books and knowledge, prayers given and advice heeded. "Some of it has to do with who and what I was on my old world," he said slowly. "And some with who I am, no matter where I live. Memories... are precious to me. And helping souls find solace after death is something I have done before." He paused and a wry smile came to his lips as he looked back at Remi. "But pretentiousness aside, Ludo was also the first god I met. The first to answer my prayers and the first to see me. It bargained with me, that first Deepfrost. I traded my dreams for Rory's safety at its shrines... after I'd heard what happened to you," he admitted with a bow of acknowledgment to the alchemist. "And it has treated fairly with me ever since."

So many questions, but he wasn't sure which of them to answer without derailing the conversation too far. "Ludo gave me the lantern as a favor," he said quietly at last. "It knew how much I wanted... how much I needed to have a purpose here. And I am able to help at LongNight, at least a little. That it allows me to help at all is something I am grateful for, and that is one reason why it has my loyalty... and my trust," he acknowledged, exhaling a deep breath. "Its intentions, though?" The smile came back, a wry quirk of his mouth as he looked at the alchemist. "I guess that depends on who you're talking about. Humans? The Fae? The Voice? Safrin? The more I see and learn of these gods, the less certain I am that I can say they or their intentions are 'good' or 'bad' or 'evil'... even if I have a personal grudge where the newest is concerned." One that Remi knew about already, having helping the bard overcome some of his hangups she had caused. "I'm sorry it's not a more straight-forward answer. What do you think of Ludo, after all that you've endured with them?"

Remi tried hard not to instantly bristle at that, his gaze scrupulously searching the Sage's features for an indication if the comparison to the goddess was meant to be a slight. Seeing none, the alchemist softened and listened. He and Jigano had never really broached their histories, not since that first ill-fated meeting in the library. Ever since each stab towards the past was usually met with some amount of vitriol or misunderstanding or both, leaving the subject of who Jigano had been before Caido a complete mystery. Hearing that Ludo had given the Sage a purpose did stir something in Remi, making the alchemist sit up a tad straighter in his chair, his expression awash of complicated emotions. Jaw feathering slightly as the conversational stick was handed back to him, Remi ruffled a hand through his curls and lowered his eyes to the wine-stained rings on the table before them. "I've seen it twice in these passed few weeks. It offered me death and after I declined that, it offered me a purpose as well. But..." Swallowed hard, the alchemist trailed off because that part of the Ludo thread hadn't been written yet. "...I worry what it wants of me is perhaps not so noble or straight forward as what it has asked of you. I can't tell if it's a punishment I don't yet understand or a trap waiting to spring...or worse still, if I'm just some pawn in all of this" Remi wasn't one to ramble, and finding himself doing precisely that, he heaved a sigh and tried to put his thoughts into some sort of order. "In...Northaven, the ruling class were like the gods in a way. What they said was right and good, or at least that is what we were taught, as commoners. When I learned that...they were just making things up as they went it...it shattered something fundamental in me, I suppose. To know that all I thought I knew, the rules by which I lived my life could just be changed like that..." He shook his head again, a finger tracing the wood grain on the table. "Do you think the gods here are like that? Making it all up as they go, just on a larger scale?" remi Too long till I drown in your hands

He blinked in surprise at hearing that Remi had been seeing Ludo so much, though given what he'd heard of the alchemist's history with the god he wasn't particularly surprised at the offer of death. At least it had been up front this time, rather than cloaked in illusion and trickery. Hearing that it had offered the other man a purpose though, sent a little twinge of envy through the bard's heart that he tried to quash as he listened. His lips quirked into a wry smile that held more sadness than humor as he gave a little shake of his head. "Ludo hasn't asked anything of me, really," he admitted, glancing down to his own long-fingered hands folded on the table. "I was the one who asked Ludo if I could try to collect those souls that had become too lost or recalcitrant to return to Mort. It was just kind enough to allow me to pursue that." He looked up at Remi again, eyes grave. "That being said, if my purpose seems noble, it was because I was the one who came to Ludo with it, rather than the other way around. If it wants to give you a purpose, to ask something of you because of its own desires... I don't know whether 'nobility' will factor into it at all." Or whether such a term could be applied to the gods, anymore than good or evil did on this world.

In some ways Remi's description of Northaven sounded painfully familiar. Something had to break for something else to grow from it; in this case, the trust in those tasked with ruling the land to do so wisely and well had broken. Finding out that they were selfish and venal - or worse, the puppets of some darker power - could change the course of a life indelibly once that illusion was shattered. The bard nodded slowly at the alchemist's words, then took a deep breath as he considered the questions posed. "That is a frightening thought," he admitted, a touch rueful but mostly sobered at the possibility of cosmic chaos. "Though I have to wonder... does there need to be a Great Plan? The gods we know of each have their domains that they tend, but aside from making sure that the sun rises and life finds a way, and souls have a place to go at the end of their days... should there be some great goal that they work towards, with us as their pawns - or helpers?"

Remi ran a hand over his eyes. "It sounded like more of a threat at the time." The alchemist said with a slight shake of his head. "Be careful about asking for a purpose, I might just give you one." He mimed, close as he could recall to the words the cloaked god had actually used. Glancing up, Remi studied Jigano's face for a long while. He looked lost and pensive rather than thoughtful, sighing out an unhappy and frustrated breath at the end of what appeared to be an unsuccessful inner argument. "I don't know. With Aoife gone, it all feels changed. I care so little about anything or anyone anymore. There's really only Ronin now. I suppose..if it all has no meaning, if there isn't anything more to this life than muddling through...Why be good at all? Why be kind? Why care?" remi Too long till I drown in your hands

"That doesn't sound reassuring," Jigano agreed, reconsidering that moment of envy with the new twist on the words. "I suppose with a god there's always the danger that the purpose they give will be less than optional. Less a request than a geas, in that case. Or a curse, if it's not a purpose you would chose of your own free will." Though given the alchemist's earlier outburst and the way his grief had reshaped him, Jigano wondered if there was much that Remi would really balk at anymore. His edges seemed so jagged...

But there had hardly been time for the wound of Aoife's loss to scab over, much less heal.

Jigano had spoken his opinion and now sat and watched Remi in return for a bit before turning his gaze out to the storm, finding nature's unsettled sky a good match for the heavy conversation that was occurring. The philosophical questions continued, and the bard looked back to the manticore at his daughter's name, tilting his head as he thought about what was asked. "Amalia asked me something similar recently," he said softly, and there was a fondness in his voice for the bridges that were slowly being rebuilt there, with one who meant so much to him. "But I think you have to answer that for yourself, especially with how things have changed in your life. I know that when I try to cut myself off from caring for others, I'm miserable. Missing something I can't really define. Caring for people, being cared for, being kind without expectation, and being surprised by the kindness of others... maybe it's selfish, but it makes me happier. Losing them is... it will always hurt. But not as much as never caring at all has. At least so far," he finished softly. "But then, I never had to bury a child, either. So that answer may not be the same for you... at least right now."

"If Ludo ask you to kill for it, would you? If the motive was meant to be noble and compassionate? Would you, knowing that it could simply be the capricious whim of a god, wrapped up neatly under the guise of divine knowledge?" The alchemist's expression was grave with the light in his eyes having gone suddenly quite flat. Running a hand across his eyes, Remi exhaled. "If we're talking about being selfish...I look at how I was treated about people I cared for. Loren, and Sam. Both went to great lengths to forget about me when things went wrong, both took pieces of me when they went, that have never healed. I don't think they ever will." His hand fell into his lap. "Kindness didn't save Aoife. It didn't save Ronin when he died the first time. And when it all went wrong, there was no surprising kindness. There was nothing, really." Remi drummed his fingers against the table again. remi Too long till I drown in your hands

That was a sharp and pointed question, and Jigano drew in a swift breath at the situation Remi put before him. "Become a god's assassin, you mean?" he asked softly, something old and dark churning behind his eyes as he regarded the alchemist with a sudden lack of expression. "... I have done so before. Killing for the gods is... no matter what they may say, I was still the one left carrying the weight of it on my soul. To this day I carry it, across portals and worlds. But I had a choice then, too. I believed that what I did was... necessary. Not right. Not good. But... I think things would have been worse for a great many people, had I not done so." He looked down at the table, surprised to see his hands clenched into fists, nails digging uncomfortably into his palms. He forced himself to draw a slower breath and relax his fingers before looking up again, some of the shadows subsided. "I don't think Ludo would ask it lightly, though. From what I've heard of Mort, I don't think he would be happy to find souls being sent to him before they'd lived their lives here fully. But if I chose to do it... I also couldn't blame Ludo for asking it. I would blame myself for be willing to do it. We might feel like pawns before the gods - might be pawns to them - but still, we make our own choices." He had taken that much from Safrin's punishment of his hubris, at least. He managed a quirk of his lips at his companion across the table, but there was little humor on it. "Though it would change me, I think. As it did before." And not for the better.

Remi had been used hard by his lovers, and Jigano nodded in understanding and agreement. He had nearly thrown Sam out of the Loreseekers when he'd heard about the bookmaker throwing his memories away. He hadn't been there when Loren had left the first time, but he'd seen something of the cycle the summoner flung himself into, lashing out at those closest to him as well as himself. It wasn't fair to anyone involved.

But fairness had little place in this world, as Aoife's death had proven. The bard glanced down at Remi's drumming fingers, idly wondering how the alchemist would do at making music--

A distraction he didn't need right now. "And now?" he asked instead, watching the young man with the old eyes like sea glass in a storm. "What purpose in making a memorial to lost souls you've never met, to be used by people you don't know?"

"Call it what you like." The alchemist replied with a shrug. Assassin, tool..there were any number of ways to pretty up what was basically just divinely-approved murder. Listening intently, wanting naively to hear an easy parable in the Sage's words, Remi found himself unsurprisingly disappointed. "There were men drowning." The alchemist began, voice low and grave sounding. "Their ship torn apart. I don't know what is happening with my magic...but I don't think I could save them. Ludo was with me, though it...it didn't even try. It simply said their time had come, and to have them die a long and slow death would be a disservice." The corner's of Remi's lips twitched with unsaid thoughts, his eyes firmly fixed on a bit of the table that his finger kept roaming over. Drawing some errant shape as if to ease his thoughts. It wasn't working. "There is a kindness in swift death, as a predator I can appreciate that. What I don't understand is the need for me, in all of it. Surely Ludo...Mort..death could come painlessly. When the time comes, it needn't be as it is. It seems like that is what Ludo was trying to get across, but that it made me do it feels..." His fingers balled into a fist for a moment before relaxing. "I just wish I knew what sort of pawn I am being used as." Glancing up and exhaling a low hum, the alchemist shrugged. "Ludo told me that we are who we are remembered by. In death, we become nothing if not the bits of ourselves kept in the minds of others. I thought those lost at sea, without bodies to be buried were the most easily lost in that way." remi Too long till I drown in your hands

He had thought the question a hypothetical, not realizing Remi was asking for personal advice. Listening to the tale the alchemist related Jigano found himself wincing at the choice that had been put before him with what sounded like little warning or chance to prepare himself. Being forced to watch deaths he couldn't prevent would have been harsh enough, but at hearing that Remi - the once-gentle, sunny-souled alchemist of all people - had been asked to hasten those deaths along... the bard bit down on his tongue, not wanting to interrupt with his usual protestations when the tale was not yet done.

"What did Ludo do," he asked quietly when the words had fallen silent between them again, "to make you kill them?" There seemed to be a few pieces of the story missing, between Ludo making idle observations and Remi becoming a murderer (for the first time, as far as Jigano knew). "And after all the bad blood between you, what makes you willing to be its pawn even now?" After so many attempts to lure the mortal to his death, to use his dead loved ones against him, to steal his memories away... why throw himself so willingly back into its rag-cloaked manipulations?

"Do the souls of those in Mort's realm cease to exist once their memories have faded from the world?" He blinked uncertainly, wondering if he'd been misunderstanding so fundamental to Caido all along.