Sunjata,
This will be the first letter I've ever written. It strikes me that I have no idea how such a thing should be done, so if I ignore any customs or traditions surrounding the practice, know it's not intentional.
How are you? Is the Slagveld everything you hoped it wold be?
A few days have passed since I returned to the Citadel. Schoolwork is taking up most of my time, and I've had to set aside everything else to catch up on what I missed while I was gone. It has kept me from my usual appointments with Loren, and I think perhaps it is punishing me now, as I've caught a bit of a cold. Not to worry though, it's nothing major, and I will see a healer before long. At the moment, I almost relish the sickness, because it is at least something familiar. I find I miss that, lately.
And I miss you too.
I've thought long and hard about what to say, in this letter. Where to start. In the end, I must begin by apologizing to you. For using magic on you, the way I did, and for forcing that kiss. It was cruel and pointless of me, and I can't expect you to forgive me for it.
I don't expect forgiveness for any of the things I said, or did, either. Though it would be wonderful if they could just be taken back and made unsaid, I think we both know that it's not possible. For all that the choices of word and tone were needlessly cruel, on both parts, I believe we both meant what we said at the time. We both have our flaws and failings. My biggest one is perhaps this lack of humility. I can't say I'm ashamed of being who I am, for being the way I am. There are certainly parts of me that I despise and wish to change, but that would be the tendency to lean too much on others, to take the easy road, and sit with empty hands while others do what must be done.
I realize now that it is that tendency to rely on the strength and good will of others that left us in this position. You offered me kindness and attention, and instead of settling for that, I began to demand still more of you. You were right, I am very selfish... and in that selfishness I mistook your trust and confidence in me to mean that you needed me. When the truth is, that perhaps I was the one who needed you.
That dream you spoke of, about a house by the sea? I hope you don't give up on it. Whether you end up sharing that dream with anyone - be it me, or someone else - I think it is worth striving for. You absolutely should restore the house we found... but please, do it for you, and not for me. Make it a home where you are comfortable, where you might find yourself... and perhaps all the other things you are searching for will find their way to you there.
There is so much more I wish to say, but there is not enough paper or or ink in Caido to fit it all. Know that my feelings for you have not changed. For all that I regret how we parted, I cannot help but feel grateful that I was able see this side of you as well. Is it awful of me to find it just as appealing as the rest? You did not push me away, and I hope I did not flinch again.
I wish I could say I have found an answer to the questions we asked, that I know what I truly want, and can live with... but that would not be honest. And for all that you have many good sides... honesty is the one trait I treasure most, and wish to emulate. Perhaps time is what I need as well, to understand what part I wish to play in your life, and where you fit in with mine. Can you be patient with me, for a while longer? At least until we meet again next time? Perhaps I will know better then, and can tell you myself, eye to eye.
With love, always,
Maea Valair
This will be the first letter I've ever written. It strikes me that I have no idea how such a thing should be done, so if I ignore any customs or traditions surrounding the practice, know it's not intentional.
How are you? Is the Slagveld everything you hoped it wold be?
A few days have passed since I returned to the Citadel. Schoolwork is taking up most of my time, and I've had to set aside everything else to catch up on what I missed while I was gone. It has kept me from my usual appointments with Loren, and I think perhaps it is punishing me now, as I've caught a bit of a cold. Not to worry though, it's nothing major, and I will see a healer before long. At the moment, I almost relish the sickness, because it is at least something familiar. I find I miss that, lately.
And I miss you too.
I've thought long and hard about what to say, in this letter. Where to start. In the end, I must begin by apologizing to you. For using magic on you, the way I did, and for forcing that kiss. It was cruel and pointless of me, and I can't expect you to forgive me for it.
I don't expect forgiveness for any of the things I said, or did, either. Though it would be wonderful if they could just be taken back and made unsaid, I think we both know that it's not possible. For all that the choices of word and tone were needlessly cruel, on both parts, I believe we both meant what we said at the time. We both have our flaws and failings. My biggest one is perhaps this lack of humility. I can't say I'm ashamed of being who I am, for being the way I am. There are certainly parts of me that I despise and wish to change, but that would be the tendency to lean too much on others, to take the easy road, and sit with empty hands while others do what must be done.
I realize now that it is that tendency to rely on the strength and good will of others that left us in this position. You offered me kindness and attention, and instead of settling for that, I began to demand still more of you. You were right, I am very selfish... and in that selfishness I mistook your trust and confidence in me to mean that you needed me. When the truth is, that perhaps I was the one who needed you.
That dream you spoke of, about a house by the sea? I hope you don't give up on it. Whether you end up sharing that dream with anyone - be it me, or someone else - I think it is worth striving for. You absolutely should restore the house we found... but please, do it for you, and not for me. Make it a home where you are comfortable, where you might find yourself... and perhaps all the other things you are searching for will find their way to you there.
There is so much more I wish to say, but there is not enough paper or or ink in Caido to fit it all. Know that my feelings for you have not changed. For all that I regret how we parted, I cannot help but feel grateful that I was able see this side of you as well. Is it awful of me to find it just as appealing as the rest? You did not push me away, and I hope I did not flinch again.
I wish I could say I have found an answer to the questions we asked, that I know what I truly want, and can live with... but that would not be honest. And for all that you have many good sides... honesty is the one trait I treasure most, and wish to emulate. Perhaps time is what I need as well, to understand what part I wish to play in your life, and where you fit in with mine. Can you be patient with me, for a while longer? At least until we meet again next time? Perhaps I will know better then, and can tell you myself, eye to eye.
With love, always,
Maea Valair
