never seen that color blue

Sam had finally gone back to the Hollowed Ground. Seeing as Loren found himself there for a day, he decided to swing by the bookmaker's place. Astra followed at the healer's footsteps. Although he was a bit wary of being back here, she was excited, and her eyes were wide as she looked around at the once familiar surroundings. For his part, he kept his gaze trained straight ahead. Dressed simply in pants and a long-sleeved shirt (the slight chill in the air didn't bother him in the slightest) he walked up to the other man's door. The Launceleyn knocked almost gingerly. "Sam? It's Loren. Are you home?" Standing there a bit awkwardly, he ran his hands down the front of his shirt, trying to smooth out the wrinkles. LOREN Not quite an open book

there's an ocean in my body

there's a river in my soul

Sam was spending some time cleaning, which was admittedly a rather rare occurrence for him; in his defence his lack of need to eat or use the bathroom meant his home needed less maintenance than others, but he did have a habit of letting dust build on high up surfaces. He had been going around his kitchen with a feather duster (trying to convince Mia it was not a toy as much as dusting) when there was a knock at the door.

Putting the duster down on the counter he came to the door, sighing as halfway there he heard a clatter, knowing Mia had claimed the feathery foe as her own. Well, he'd have to get it off her later - he continued to open the door.

"Oh, Loren!" Breaking out in a smile at the sight of the man he stood back to welcome him in. "What a lovely surprise! I didn't know you'd be visiting from Halo so soon." His heart beat a little quicker. Did Loren's visit mean the Launceleyn had been thinking about him?

if I see a sign in the sky tonight

No one's gonna tell me it's a trick of the light

SAMuEL

As Sam opened the door, Loren smiled faintly at the bookmaker. Stepping inside, the healer glanced around the house, taking in the signs of cleaning and the decorations and the clutter. It was a far cry from his own practically empty set of rooms. "I was in the Hollowed Ground to do some research and I figured I'd swing by." However, there was something distracted about his tone, and he found he couldn't quite meet the other man's eyes. So the Launceleyn forced himself to raise his head and meet Sam's gaze squarely. "I have to tell you something." It came out with more certainty than Loren actually felt. LOREN Not quite an open book

there's an ocean in my body

there's a river in my soul

"Oh, I see. Research into what..?" He hoped it was all going well at the infirmary in Halo, that Loren was only here out of academic interest and not any kind of necessity; he desperately wanted his friend to have a month of peace, even with how impossible it seemed for them.

He was about to ask if Loren wanted a cup of tea, shut the door, then he was being told there was a 'something' he had to know. Somethings were rarely good and Sam already felt his heart sink, but determinedly kept on a neutral expression. "Oh? What's that, then?" Hopefully it would be something fixable, if anything; he did not expect it to be anything cheerful.

if I see a sign in the sky tonight

No one's gonna tell me it's a trick of the light

SAMuEL

Loren shrugged, and rubbed a hand against his thigh. "Nothing in particular." Voice quiet, he gave Sam an almost chagrined smile, though it failed to reach the healer's eyes. "I was just interested in some of the older legends and tales. From around when the barrier went up." His cheeks flushed a bit with embarrassment. However, that all faded when the bookmaker asked what the Launceleyn wanted to take about. Indeed, his eyes grew almost steely, though he had to take another deep and steadying breath. He let it out with a sigh. "Nate bit me." Despite his best efforts to keep his voice even, there was the slightest tinge of guilt to it. LOREN Not quite an open book

there's an ocean in my body

there's a river in my soul

"Oh, I see." Loren's answer was very...bland, as if he was trying to rush along; as it turned out he was. Sam held his breath as he waited to hear what it was Loren had to tell him...when he did hear it he stood still for a moment, then sighed and sat on the arm of a chair by his fire, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He wasn't really sure how to feel about that. On one hand, there was the instinctual reaction: anger, jealousy, you knew who he was to me-- but on the other, and maybe this was a sign of growth, he knew he had no say in what Loren did with anyone else; they had agreed they were free to still be with others. He'd never explicitly asked him to leave Nate.

"...Mm. Okay. He seems to be doing that to a lot of people lately." There was a laugh but it was dry and bitter, not at all amused. "Is that all?"

if I see a sign in the sky tonight

No one's gonna tell me it's a trick of the light

SAMuEL

Rubbing his hands together, Loren sighed. Then he shook his head a little and shrugged. However, his fidgeting all stilled at Sam's response. Only the healer's eyes moved, searching the bookmaker's features for any sign of how the Ascended was feeling. "That's all." Hesitating, the Launceleyn shifted his weight awkwardly from side to side. Tilting his head slightly, he continued his steady exploration of the other man's face. Finally, Loren pressed his lips together. "How're you feeling about that?" It came out quietly, and uncertainly, as if he wasn't sure exactly how the bookmaker would react. Because, frankly, the healer wasn't sure how the other man would react, and the Launceleyn's brow had furrowed with worry. LOREN Not quite an open book

there's an ocean in my body

there's a river in my soul

Thankfully Loren didn't have any more news to impart - if there was anything else Sam thought he might cry; the question though...how did he feel about it? He looked up, frowning, mouth set in a hard line. Could Loren really not work that out for himself?

"Well, not good, Loren." He snapped, then sighed and pushed his hands to his face again, shaking his head down at the ground. "You have no commitment to me, so I can't be mad. But you...you know what Nate did to me, and I thought me and you had something...I don't know.." Moving to hug himself, Sam looked off to the side. "I thought we got on, and you'd respect our relationship enough to not do that. I..maybe I can't ask that of you. I don't know."

Looking back up to Loren, he added: "I'm not going to yell at you or anything."

if I see a sign in the sky tonight

No one's gonna tell me it's a trick of the light

SAMuEL

As Sam's snapped out a response, Loren flinched a bit. Then he forced his features into a neutral mask. "Sorry. Dumb question." Rubbing a hand on his thigh, he pressed his lips together. "So you are mad." It was a statement, but it came out with a questioning tone. Hesitantly, he reached out and laid a hand on the bookmaker's shoulder. "Look I...told you I didn't want anything serious. And I think I still meant that. But..." Voice trailing off, the healer sighed. "That doesn't excuse me hurting you. So, I am sorry. Truly. And...whether or not we get on, or have or will have a relationship, I can't say." Running his free hand through his hair, he shook his head a bit sadly. "I mean, we get on. Sorry, I'm making a mess of this." Lifting his hand from the other man's shoulder, the Launceleyn rubbed it awkwardly. "I'm shit at relationships. Always have been, probably always will be." Biting his lip, he looked away from Sam. "I like you." The admission came out quietly, and he couldn't meet the bookmaker's eyes. "But I'm just, I'm not ready for what I think you want from me. So I got scared. And when I'm scared, or upset, or depressed I make stupid decisions. Which inevitably just make everything worse." The healer hugged his arms to himself  "I thought you'd be...madder. Hate me, maybe." Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to open his eyes. "But...I had to tell you. Because like I said, I, I like you." LOREN Not quite an open book

there's an ocean in my body

there's a river in my soul

As Loren spoke (more than Sam expected him to say - in some ways, it was nice that he cared enough to stay and explain) Sam kept his eyes on the ground, his hands pushing up into his hair as he listened to what the man had to say. With no idea how to respond, it was good to have the time to think and reflect.

He did look up with a questioning, slightly alarmed expression when Loren doubted if they got on, but it was swiftly corrected and he nodded; he'd gotten his words mixed up plenty of times before, understood how easy it could be - he wasn't going to hold that against him. He didn't move away from Loren's touch on his shoulder but he didn't react to it much either, just nodded along to the words and tried to come up with what he could say in response.

At least the last part, where Loren said 'I like you'...well. It wasn't quite the sweeping romance he'd dreamed of as a teenager, but it was still enough to lift his heart a little, enough to hope.

There was a beat of silence after Loren finished talking, then he laced his fingers together and looked up. "I like you too. You know...I meant it, when I said I could wait. I'm not going anywhere...and I'm trying my best not to put any pressure on you as far as a relationship goes." Maybe he hadn't managed that; he'd really attempted to keep his feelings quiet and his hopes muted.

"Are you...going to see Nate again?" He asked, voice quiet, trying his best to keep any venom from entering it.

if I see a sign in the sky tonight

No one's gonna tell me it's a trick of the light

SAMuEL

Reaching out, Loren tried to pry one of Sam's hands loose to give it a gentle squeeze. If the healer was unsuccessful, he'd let his own hand drop back to his side. "Thank you. I appreciate that, more than you know." He smiled faintly, though it slipped away almost immediately. "I wish I was ready but...I'm just not sure I can trust anyone enough to let them close right now." Rubbing one arm nervously, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. When the bookmaker asked if the Launceleyn was planning to see Nate again, Loren couldn't help it: he snorted, and immediately shook his head. "No. Gods no. It was a drunken mistake, that's all. I just...wasn't sure how you would feel about the news." His tone was apologetic, and he couldn't quite meet the other man's eyes. LOREN Not quite an open book

there's an ocean in my body

there's a river in my soul

Sam let his hand be taken; as pathetic as it was he craved the touch, even when it was given as a comfort, a consolation, a 'I'm sorry, but-'. He looked at Loren's fingers in his own and tried for just a moment to imagine what it might be like to have the same gesture in a warm domestic setting, a touch to go with the thousandth 'I love you'; that dream was beginning to slip further away.

"It makes sense. After what happened...I couldn't expect you to be." He shook his head, more trying to remind himself more than Loren. "Though..." Loren's comment about 'a drunken mistake' made him want to say something more and there was a silent second as he hesitated over it. Eventually deciding to go ahead (it was difficult to decide if Loren had actually done something wrong, but Sam felt he was owed at least the chance to be listened to), he lifted his head to look Loren in the eyes as he spoke.

"I'm not...saying this because I'm jealous or I want you to myself, but...do you think maybe it's not helping, jumping between so many people? I...I tried to do a similar thing, after Nate cheated on me...though admittedly I was far less successful than you." He laughed awkwardly, embarrassed at his failures. "It's...I don't think it's healthy. If it were just for fun then it wouldn't be a problem but...it feels like you're trying to...fix yourself. It won't...it won't work." He stroked Loren's knuckles, hoping he had not gone too far.

if I see a sign in the sky tonight

No one's gonna tell me it's a trick of the light

SAMuEL

Sighing, Loren ran his free hand through his hair. "Thanks." The word came out quietly, but with a great deal of gratitude, and he squeezed Sam's hand. The healer remained silent throughout the bookmaker's advice. At the end of it, the Launceleyn let out a huff of laughter. "I know. It's not helping, I know it's not." Dropping the other man's hand, Loren rubbed his own a bit nervously. "It felt easier, after. To just...lose myself in pleasures, even if they didn't feel any good. I thought it would help." An ugly expression crossed his features, one that was equal parts grief-stricken, guilty, and embarrassed. "But the only thing that seems to help is time." That admission came out softly, but with the raw sorrow of lost love. LOREN Not quite an open book

there's an ocean in my body

there's a river in my soul

Sam waited to see if Loren would be offended, but thankfully it seemed that he was humble enough to admit his failures; Sam smiled sympathetically. He let his hand be dropped, pushing on the arm of his chair to stand. Loren's next words were good, he thought, in a way: clearly the other man was in a lot of pain, but he seemed to know what it was he had to do, even if it would be hard.

With a soft sigh Sam took a step forward and wrapped his arms around Loren, slowly so that the man could pull away if he wanted to, and stroked his back. "...I know. I wish I could make it easier for you. But...the one thing I can do is be understanding, and I am. It's okay." It was hard for him to say; betrayal tugged at his heart, but he felt this was the right thing to do. Put aside his own hurt when Loren was so clearly lost, grasping at any comfort he could find.

Taking a step back, Sam let out a breath and smiled. "Well. Should I make you a cup of tea?"

if I see a sign in the sky tonight

No one's gonna tell me it's a trick of the light

SAMuEL