step by wicked step

the wounds are open and bleeding out

Changes upon changes - that was the way of things these days, or so it felt to Ronin. Between Seren, the volcano erupting, the resulting cleanup, Remi becoming Governor and the hunter's role in that, they didn't have a chance, it felt, to breathe. And the pressure was mounting, the tension palpable in the air; Ronin couldn't even step out into the night sky any more and enjoy the stars. How could he, knowing what watched him from above?

In earlier times he might have suggested he and Remi go to the Hanged Man to blow off some steam, but Ronin was painfully aware of the weight of responsibility, and so instead he had to make do. It was after Seren's bedtime, at least - though he suspected the girl snuck out or did whatever she would do, regardless of his attempts to parent - and he had headed out onto the ruggled cliffside, inviting his husband along.

Near Aoife's grave marker, he lay out a blanket and flopped down onto it, a bottle of something strong in his hands. Not for him, of course; Ronin had been almost completely sober since Seren had fallen from the sky, give or take a glass of whiskey. But Remi might want or need it, and he wasn't going to deny him anything. The alchemist had already put up with enough. "How is everything going, with Haulani and the evacuation?" he asked, predictably skirting away from actual questions they might have for each other.

THE

DARK STAR

Table coding by Sky

REMI

the alchemist

What good are hands
if there's nothing that they hold

Remi followed, his mind blank. Once the alchemist had been quite good at compartmentalizing in a way that was haphazardly healthy. The same couldn't be said of him now; the horrors of the past few weeks (truly, it was months) were firmly squashed down in his mind. But Remi had grown so strong that carrying around the weight of it all was dangerously easy. There might even have been a bit of a spring in his step as he walked next to his husband; perhaps it was merely the Leafchange briskness making his steps light.

Sitting next to Ronin, grinning crookedly at the bottle between them, Remi put it to his lips without thought for a cup. Glancing at Ronin through the corner of his eye as he tilted his head back, he nodded into the bottle before placing it between his legs, not bothering to offer any to his husband. "Those with air magic have done well. Closer to Apopo it's still hard to breathe and will be for some time. Myself and the other water users have tried to keep the ground cool and wet so that as things dry, they don't burst into flames because of the residual heat."

It was important, but in the context of he and Ronin it was an absolutely nothing report and they both knew it.

And what good are hearts
if you bury them all alone?

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

the wounds are open and bleeding out

Somehow even though they were arguably working closer than ever, Ronin hadn't felt further from Remi in a long time. He hummed a note of agreement and approval at the news about what was being done down in the town, one knee drawn up to his chest, his arm braced against it and his eyes on the lapping waves below. "Mm, that's good," he said, having heard almost nothing about what Remi had actually said.

"You know, lately I've considered throwing myself off this cliff." It was quiet, nonchalant almost, and Ronin could almost hear the rebuttal. The how dare you, the how could you be so selfish. But it didn't make it any less true. No conversations with Sunjata or house building could change it.

THE

DARK STAR

Table coding by Sky

REMI

the alchemist

What good are hands
if there's nothing that they hold

Remi glanced sidelong at Ronin, the way his eyes followed the curves of the waves, and nodded silently. He had very few expectations of Ronin as a husband; not because he thought less of him or that he wasn't needed, but simply because...it wasn't their way. They took things as they came with few promises of the future. Just us. Just you. That's all there was.

The spark of fear and pre-emptive agony in Remi's chest was instant and bright, flowing unfettered through the attuned-bond they now shared. The alchemist didn't try to hide it or dim it from Ronin. Hurtful as Ronin's words might have been, it'd have been just as hurtful for Remi to act as though he didn't care, even if he understood the dark place that they came from. "Lot of good it would do. You'd be saved by one of your clouds I'm sure." The alchemist mumbled in return. "But then...magic doesn't work while you're shifted. As a luxere you could probably manage it."

To anyone listening, it might have sounded strange to hear Remi suggesting ways for Ronin to end his life more successfully. Maybe it was a coping mechanism, Remi didn't really know. Moving to sit next to Ronin so that he could peer over at the waves as well, Remi took in a deep breath of sea air and held it for a long moment. "If you did, I'd follow you down." He said softly. "There's no where you could go I wouldn't follow."

And what good are hearts
if you bury them all alone?

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

the wounds are open and bleeding out

The pain was unexpected; unlike in previous times, Ronin was not a closed system any more. He felt the horror bursting in his husband like it was his own, punching through his chest and squeezing it tightly. Breath catching in his throat, the Star's hands tightened into fists, and he gazed shamefully across at Remi as he moved closer, if anything.

"That does seem likely, doesn't it. Even as a luxere, I'm sure I wouldn't be able to die until Safrin decided it was my time again." He shook his head, feeling thoroughly helpless about it.

"Why would you want to follow?" he asked, letting out a humourless laugh. "I just fuck everything up and make it worse. I'm fed up of making the people I care about feel bad. Of letting everyone down."

THE

DARK STAR

Table coding by Sky

REMI

the alchemist

What good are hands
if there's nothing that they hold

The alchemist's returned gaze was without reproach or animosity. Honestly was a thing well-treasured and often lost between the pair of them, and he'd not malign his husband for voicing how he felt, however monstrous it was to hear. "Well, or if you did manage to die, I'm sure she'd make it a burden on you. Snatching you away and sticking you up in the sky again as punishment for thwarting her many blessings." Remi rolled his eyes a touch before focusing on the hard line of Ronin's jaw.

Were it anyone else, Remi might have barked something spiteful about how the Star sounded like Loren and to stop wallowing. But he knew enough of his partner to know just where this was coming from, and so rather than snapping a response, the alchemist just sat silently for a moment.

"I'm not with you to feel good. You making me feel bad, or however you think you might have let me down...it...doesn't matter." Unsure how to phrase what he was trying to say, Remi merely sighed and looked out towards the dark sea. "I would follow because there's only you, for me. In this place, in this life."

Gods he was so very, very bad with words. Turning towards Ronin properly, Remi reached for one of the hunter's clenched fists to hold it in his. "I love you, Ronin. And my love isn't bound to happiness, to mistakes we make, to the shit Safrin pulls..." Trailing off, Remi's paltry attempt at conveying the enormity of what he felt was supplemented by the attuned bond. A feeling more pure than mere emotion that could be influenced by whatever situation the pair found themselves in. He loved Ronin out of time and with a completeness that even life couldn't break. So yes, he'd follow him into death without question.

And what good are hearts
if you bury them all alone?

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

the wounds are open and bleeding out

"Of that I have no doubt. Or I'd find my attempt unsuccessful and then I'd be left to suffer whatever punishment she decided to subject me to in life." Not that Ronin didn't think that was already happening, but still. Much as she had been an exquisitely agonising addition to his life, Ronin could not and would not blame Seren for it. Rubbing at his eyes with his free hand, he surrendered the other to Remi; talking about it had never been his plan or his intention, but as with so many things lately, he just couldn't keep his heart off his sleeve any more.

Remi's truth resonated deeply within the attuned bond, and Ronin near drowned in it. How had he gone so long being so blind to this? Relaxing his hand, he slipped his fingers between Remi's and glanced across at him. "And I love you," he said quietly, the words a frail thing compared to the roar of emotion behind them. "But that doesn't change that something I did has caused us a lot of pain and a lot of trouble. I'm struggling to live with that."

THE

DARK STAR

Table coding by Sky

REMI

the alchemist

What good are hands
if there's nothing that they hold

"You'd be one of those parables they tell children before bed. See that star? That's Ronin up there, constantly lighting a candle only to have it blown out again for all eternity.."

The (capital-A now) Alchemist would have held Ronin's balled-up fist for hours if that's all the Star could offer, and he'd have done so happily. Still, as their fingers fit together and wedding bands clinked against rings, Remi inhaled a breath that was softly adoring and stupidly charmed by this small gesture.

Nudging Ronin's shoulder softly with his, Remi just chuckled. "Ronin, you had a sex dream about a goddess that turned out to be real and now you've a completely random child to deal with on your own because your husband is too jaded to help you out, all because our former child was killed by a spear of ice cast by a man that we've both more or less had sex with and now never want to see again." Tilting his head, he gave Ronin a flat stare; he needed no expressive snark to underscore what he'd just said. The words were ridiculous enough on their own.

And what good are hearts
if you bury them all alone?

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

the wounds are open and bleeding out

Ronin wrinkled his nose at that; it seemed just the sort of thing that would end up happening to him. In that striking moment of silence between them, the pull of the ocean void seemed suddenly very unpleasant indeed. Ronin shuddered, shuffling closer still to Remi and slinging his free arm around him, like the Alchemist was an anchor. "You know what... those cliffs can wait, with or without you. I'd take our bed over that, any time it all feels like too much."

At Remi's absolutely true - and utterly absurd - rendition of just what had happened to them, Ronin couldn't help but bark out a laugh, shaking his head and meeting the flat stare levelled in his direction... just about. Well, when you put it like that," he muttered, shaking his head. "...I'm just so angry. I wasn't ready for this... to act like it's fine, all the time. Around a kid who doesn't know any different."

THE

DARK STAR

Table coding by Sky

REMI

the alchemist

What good are hands
if there's nothing that they hold

Leaning into Ronin's embrace with an easy and unabashedly relieved sigh, he nodded. "Well there will always be a bed and me to fill it." Remi replied with a low chuckle, his thumb stroking the inner curve of Ronin's well-calloused hand with an adoration familiarity.

Considering his husband's words the Alchemist could only shrug. "You are a man chosen by a goddess to...do something in this world. Even I have heard stories of such men who are given unimaginable tasks or unfair responsibilities simply because a deity wills it." Searching Ronin's stormy and too-blue gaze, Remi resisted the urge to shrug lamely again. "What if she sent you out to sea for months on end to slay dragons? What if she demanded you fill in the volcano with your bare hands? Is having Seren to take care of really so different from anything else she might have willed?"

That wasn't to ignore the circumstances of Seren's conception but...while he didn't condone it, Remi had learned the gods could always do as they pleased and there was little use expecting anything else from them.

And what good are hearts
if you bury them all alone?

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

the wounds are open and bleeding out

"Good. If there's that, then I can walk away from the edge any time I like, happy at knowing you'll be there," Ronin said softly, burying his nose in the Alchemist's curls for a moment. But as he spoke about Safrin, about his place in the world and about any other number of things he might have been asked to do, Ronin could only smile sadly and hold his husband's gaze.

"It's very different," he said softly, squeezing Remi's hand. "I'm still grieving, same as you. To have another daughter, to look at her and wonder if this is what Aoife would have become. To hear her talk, ask questions, smile, laugh..." He shook his head, feeling his throat grow tight. "I'd have taken any task Safrin set for me. But not this one." Not if he'd been given a choice about it.

THE

DARK STAR

Table coding by Sky

REMI

the alchemist

What good are hands
if there's nothing that they hold

"It isn't." Remi said with a deft shake of his head. "Seren never had a dragon to look over her from a nest of frost while she slept in her crib. Was never checked on by a starlit version of you. Never galloped down the halls of the guild on my back as a lion." Seren was good and pure in her own right, but there was simply no comparing her to Aoife.

"Well...that is the thing about those chosen by the gods I imagine. You don't get to choose your tasks. Perhaps the ones you want least are precisely the ones always given." If it was a task Ronin had wanted after all, what sort of test would that be?

'The Festival of Lights is soon...perhaps we'll hear her laugh yet." Remi said softly, not letting himself get his hopes up, but sinking into the hope of it just the same.

And what good are hearts
if you bury them all alone?

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

the wounds are open and bleeding out

Ronin nodded; of course Remi was correct. Seren and Aoife were nothing alike, and to compare the child he had lost to the one he found himself with now was a hundred degrees of unfair. With a long sigh and another squeeze of Remi's hand, the Star gazed over his shoulder and up at the lighthouse. "Mm... I just don't suppose I expected to have my heartstrings tugged so hard by someone I respected." Still, here they were, in this predicament. And there was little he could do now but simply... cope with it.

His breath hitched at the mere idea of hearing Aoife laugh again, and he didn't know whether or not he would be ready for it, if and when the time came. "Perhaps we will," he said softly, grazing a thumb across the back of Remi's hand. "I love you, you know," he mumbled. "More than anything."

THE

DARK STAR

Table coding by Sky

REMI

the alchemist

What good are hands
if there's nothing that they hold

The past-tense of that didn't go unheard by the Alchemist, but for now, he merely nodded in agreement. It wasn't the sort of thing endlessly discussing would solve anyhow. The pain and unhappiness was in Ronin and that was okay. If all the trauma the pair had shared taught Remi one thing, it was that experiencing emotions as they came was the only way to get through them.

Remi's smile was boyish and secretive as he gazed down at their clasped hands, his cheeks round and dimpled. "I do, but I'll never grow tired of hearing you say it." He admitted with a laugh, glancing up to meet Ronin's gaze with a shy grin.

And what good are hearts
if you bury them all alone?

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!