When Doves Cry

It had been more than half a year since he had been here last. People had died or been saved. Temples had been destroyed and rebuilt. Portals had been opened and volcanoes had erupted.

Now Deepfrost approached once more, and as Leafchange neared its end it was a time of reflection, looking back at what had been gained and what had been lost, what he regretted and what he would change. Adam’s memory, and the song they had sung for Safrin in the Longheat twilight steadied him as he made the final approach to the shrine. Amalia’s hand in his had left a lingering warmth, a hope for a future still hidden in the stars, and Ronin’s support and friendship gave him courage.

It was a courage sorely needed, given the fear that Safrin had instilled in his heart at their last meeting. Amalia had given him much to think on though, and she was right that he would never know if he could make things right with beautiful, fearsome goddess if he didn’t at least try.

Still his hands shook as he laid out the offerings: a sweet bread that Amalia had helped him bake, with stars cut into its crisp, flaky crust; his last bottle of Valair cider; a poem he had written to honor the Lady of the Stars* on crisp white paper in his neatest script, silver ink on navy blue vellum in respect for the goddess it had been written for.

Kneeling before the shrine he bowed his head, voice quiet as he clasped his trembling hands tightly in front of him. ”Safrin, I am here to apologize for the disrespect I have shown you in the past. I don’t know if you will ever forgive me, but… If there is a way to earn it… or, if not your forgiveness, then at least your tolerance… If I can do so without forswearing my other oaths, I ask for a chance to prove my sincerity in this. Please.”

---

*Ode to the Starlight Goddess

When sunlight fades across the land
And cedes the sky to stars and moon
Far diamonds cast like grains of sand
Each light a traveler’s shining boon
Then know we all your time is nigh
Your eyes ablaze with distant suns
And to your honor give glad cry
From tongues of Old Gods’ faithful ones.

Voice to set the poets weeping
Chiming bells in each word breathing
Graceful as the gazelle leaping
Glory ‘round your brow yet wreathing
Hair as dark as midnight dreaming
(Sonnets to it, bards are penning)
Lips so red, like cherries seeming
Beauty beyond mortal kenning.

safrin

Well, let it not be said Safrin couldn't be won over with flattery. Or if not won over, that at least her attention could be gained with it at the very least.

Appearing with far more starsheen than was necessary, the goddess stood before the Sage bathed in light. She looked impossibly beautiful in a way that was almost sad; perfection had no better after all, and yet that seemed all she ever strived towards. Her perfectly painted lips turned upwards in a sly smile as she nodded a subdued thanks for the offerings brought by the Sage.

"Lovely words, but then, such are your specialty." Safrin said a touch dismissively, not wanting to make anything too easy on Jigano. It had taken oh so very much to finally deflate him back into his mortal skin that she'd not risk starting the whole thing over again with a misplaced compliment. "Shouldn't you be out waving your lantern at the souls Ludo is too tardy to collect?"

Safrin was terrifyingly beautiful. Or perhaps, to Jigano, she was beautifully terrifying. A single glance at her shining form was enough for him to dip his head again, heart hammering at having his prayer answered, hopes and fears all tangled up and tight in his chest as he swallowed against a mouth gone dry.

The bard was mindful of Amalia's words - be humble - and of how his tongue could trip him up. He ducked his head in acknowledgment of her mention of his poem, relieved that it had not offended, but accepted the goddess's recognition of the work without attempting to defend or qualify it further. If it had earned him a chance, then the hours of work put into its crafting had been well spent.

"I am not here for anyone but you tonight, Safrin," he managed more steadily than he had expected, fingers folded tight on his knees as he focused on the flowers that grew around the foot of her altar. "For the debt I owe you - the high-handed rudeness I have approached you with in the past - I am sorry. I took your power for granted and without consideration for your own responsibilities as a goddess of this world, and not just my place in it." Asking questions that weren't yet ready to be answered; seeking information that was not his business, and demanding answers that were not his to have.

He bowed lower, barely daring to breathe. Words continued to pile up behind his tongue - asking forgiveness, of if a road to atonement might be found - but he held them back, having spoken the heart of his prayer and awaiting Safrin's response in anxiousl silence.

safrin

My, my if he wasn't singing all the right notes tonight.

"There's no need for you to be on your knees, Jigano." Safrin said after a moment. "I'm not Frey after all." This was said with no small amount of disdain for her fellow herald. She liked the posture of praise without a doubt, but there was a difference between a mere posture of praise and the things Frey wanted of their followers, and Safrin was not keen on having that line blurred in any way.

"So if not to ask after Ludo, why have you come? Surely not just to grace me with your lovely ballads." Though if that was the reason, it was good enough for her.

He drew another shaking breath at the permission to rise, taking it as a hopeful sign - and very glad indeed that Safrin was not Frey, with the stories he'd heard of that god's preferences. A moment's hesitation as he lifted his head, caught between sitting and standing, but sitting seemed disrespectful so he rose slowly to his feet.

The question was one he was ready for - and not, his throat threatening to close on the fear that had lingered since Flowerbirth when the goddess's name came up. He had been given a taste of divine wrath, and it been a heavy weight to bear. Swallowing hard he gave a cautious nod at her words. "I came to learn what I might do to atone," he managed at last. "If there is a way to earn your goodwill or at least... a willingness to tolerate my presence at your Shrines and in the company of your followers." Amalia and Ronin were in his thoughts, friends tied to Safrin more than any other god, but there was the fear he had lived with, too, a weight doubled by the anger of not one but two goddesses.

Of the two, there was no question of which he would choose. And he was before her now.

safrin

"So long as you've aligned yourself with Ludo, my goodwill will always be a bit of a reach." Safrin said, her words brightly honest. "Why you've chosen that path is entirely beyond me. Your shifts are creatures of life and strength, your pursuits are of love and music and knowledge. Even your hair is the wrong colour for that ball of rags." She added, frowning a touch. "I take it you saw what he did to his newest plaything, Remi. Stripped him down. Took away all the pretty pieces of him, and now he's just a weapon." With a sweet smile, Safrin turned her head. "Is that what you want Jigano? To have all the qualities of yourself you've worked so hard to hone and forge, be whittled away to suit the whims of a bundle of cloth?"

Her honest statement was no surprise, Jigano nodding cautious acceptance of the difficulty in earning her goodwill. It was what he had expected, given her differences with the masked god and the logic she turned against him was, indeed, true. Before he could quite answer, however, she continued - and the revelation left him stunned and speechless for long moments before he remembered to swallow and gave a jerky shake of his head.

"I... haven't spoken with Remi since the volcano. I knew Ludo had asked him to kill for it but... not the rest, no." Oh, the questions that he had to fight to restrain! What and how and why and when. He had seen the alchemist briefly and from a distance at the Festival... had he looked different then? But he wasn't here for Remi, and he shook his head again to dislodge the fog that threatened to overtake his thoughts.

"I don't... no. I don't want to lose myself, or what I've gained. But you and Ludo are both capable of great love. Great knowledge. As are Mort and Vi, you taught me when you showed us the Book in the Glade," he added quietly, a little wistfully. "I have been a weapon and it is... not an existence I wish to return to. I would rather be a lantern in the night. A guide and protector of those souls trapped away from the light of Mort's realm, as Amalia and Ronin serve life for Vi and yourself. But what I want for myself and how I can best serve the Old Gods may not always coincide." A hard truth it had taken two years to come to, watching how others were shaped and pulled by the gods and their own choices down different paths. He was still afraid, but he met her eyes at last, not stubborn but pleading.

"If my loyalty was so easily bought, lady, it would not be worth much. I cannot turn my back on Ludo now just because I have found more light in my life, but if there is a way to gain your forgiveness without betraying my oaths to it, I would like to try and prove my sincerity to you."

safrin

"Mmhm, all those lovely and good things he could once do—" Which was to subtly say all the abilities he had which fell under her purview, had been taken. "Replaced with shadows and death." She shook her head, eyeing Jigano. "Great love? Ask yourself when last you saw that raggedy creature do anything out of love. You're projecting, Jigano." Safrin said with a coy smile. "And you're right, the things I taught you"

Safrin shrugged. If this was a competition, she wavered dangerously on trying to gain Jigano to her cause through bribery and rationality, or simply insulting his chosen path. "A lantern in the night." She barked a laugh. "So you'd rather be alone in your quest, and small against the world?" Raising a brow, she gave the Sage a challenging look. "Fine. Be a light. But ask yourself if you're so worthy, so needed, why Remi and not you? Why you, when there is Delphia, taken from Mort himself?"

His latter comments struck her like a thorn in the bottom of her foot, and Safrin's perfectly painted lips twisted unhappily. "So you would resign yourself to a life where you are taken for granted, a life that is a far departure from the things you hold dear and true and important, all because when you arrived in an unknown land, you came upon Ludo first?" Her lips twisted into an expression of both mockery but also sincere wonder. "You'd let the entirety of your life be based on such a fickle-fact as that?"

He didn't know what had been taken and what had been left to the alchemist, and he had learned a hard lesson about not arguing with a goddess in their last encounter. He bowed his head to her declaration, wondering if Remi was truly alright--

But there was no time to dwell on the Governor as Safrin played with his words as he so often did to others. Singing Ludo's praises to her ears would not change her mind, and he was grateful for the knowledge she had shared with Amalia and he in that long-ago spring night, so he kept his head lowered and accepted that his own experiences with the raggedy god were different than hers.

Her laughter wasn't the chiming bells of starlight he'd heard in Amalia's company, but neither was it cold or cruel, and Jigano lifted his eyes once more, fear abating a little as she was willing to speak to him at greater length. Her words struck chords in him, painful and deep, as she confirmed that Remi's place at Ludo's side was dearer than his own; that Delphia was not the charlatan he had assumed her reputation to be. He flinched, drawing in a sharp breath as she picked apart his own doubts and petty jealousies as she had once picked apart his soul. "You're... right," he admitted, the words reluctantly dredged from an aching chest and tightened throat. "I'm not needed, like others are. Not... worthy. I have not forgotten your lessons, lady Safrin." Not the arrogance she had stripped from him three seasons past. "But I was never promised that I would be. I took all that on myself, willingly. My own choice, to walk a path I was warned would be hard and lonely." And though his breath still trembled his gaze when he looked at her was clear.

Her frown sent a flutter of renewed fear down his spine, but he held himself still as she spoke, listening to the words that questioned at an uncomfortable truth. "The souls I gathered last LongNight didn't take me for granted," he said simply. "Nor the ones Amalia and I gathered the year before." A steadying breath, and he spread his hands to encompass the beauty of the Shrine around them, filled with blossoming life. "You will always have followers, Safrin. You're beautiful and filled with light, and I've seen the kindness and affection you show those who walk your path. You are an easy goddess to love, and you give people hope. There are many reasons for people to pledge themselves to you... many more than most will ever find for a god associated with death and loss." He hesitated a breath, his expression pleading for understanding. "I came upon Ludo first, yes, and things might have been very different if I had met you instead, but I cannot change the past. It may not need me when it has others who are stronger or better-suited to it, but even if I can only help a few souls each year, it is still a task I'm grateful for. When I needed purpose and something to live for in this new world, Ludo helped me find it. I am in its debt for that, but I regret deeply that it's put me at odds with you."

A thought sparked in his mind, a stray impertinence to ask for something he had no right to, but he held tightly to the little light of hope, waiting first to see if he had already said too much.

safrin

Tutting under her breath, Safrin gave him a softly warning look. "None of that, Jigano. Never will you be thought of as a martyr. No one will think of all that you could have been with greater respect for this lonely road you're on instead. You're a stubborn man who has committed himself to something and is now too far gone to turn back around. The souls you gathered did not take you for granted no, but nor did they need you. There are others who would have collected them. Others who might have done that work while you made the most of your potential."

Rolling her eyes a touch at that, Safrin waved a hand. "Death is easy to love." She corrected. "Ludo with its tricks. It's fickle nature. Like a cat, made all the more desirable because its so hard to get close to." Though Safrin would never admit it for she was far too competitive and vain, somehow Ludo often was the more desired out of the pair of them.

"Don't confuse being sent on an errand with purpose, Sage. You are simply making its life easier so that it might play games with others." Collecting souls was Ludo's domain. That it continued to outsource its main function, dressing it up as offering purpose to others, was ridiculous.

He inclined his head in agreement, unable to argue when she called him stubborn: both a strength and a flaw he suspected would be his downfall someday when combined with his curiosity. "I thought that martyrdom might be a way to atone for my past," he admitted, looking up at her again. "For things I did on another world. A shortcut to forgiveness, back before I had close bonds here... and even after. But I've been learning that it only hurts myself and those around me." Amalia, Rory, Isuma... "I know this path is a difficult and thankless one, but it has rewards, too, and there is beauty in the soullights. They shine brightest in the dark, like your stars in the night."

She might not have intended it to be a compliment, but he was both surprised and pleased that she thought he had potential. He had his own vanity, and she knew it well. "Others might have," he agreed simply. "But they didn't."

She knew Ludo better than he ever would, with centuries (and more?) of experience with her fellow herald and the bond of divinity no mortal could understand. He took her correction with a nod, though he'd found it easier to get close to the masked god than the starlit goddess, her own nature catlike in her own ways. Perhaps a matter of luck, or the whims of the divine?

"I regret that name every day," he admitted with a wince as she turned the title of 'Sage' on him. After suggesting it to Edrei in a fit of fey mischief he'd not thought of himself as such since, but he bore it as the lesson of his mistakes in overcomplicating and otherthinking things too far. "I cannot control what Ludo does, but... I am curious..." And wasn't that an understatement? "If you chose to do so, how would you change me to suit your purpose?"

safrin

"I will tell you this, Sage, for I have lived more lives than you could even fathom. When you die, you will be mourned like fall leaves tossed into a fire. Brightly at first, but the flash and heat of it will be quick. Oh, there will be those who carry your memory longer, but you humans are capricious and short-memoried. The point is this, so hear it well: you can achieve more in life, than you ever will in death." Rolling her eyes a touch at his poetic interpretation, Safrin merely shakes her head. "You mention thanklessness as if it's a validation. It's thankless because it isn't needed, Jigano. You mention beauty as if it is a thing that matters when it comes to purpose. Those you 'help' have already had their chance at life, and now you waste yours tending to their needs, ignoring the living."

With a grin that was both haughtily amused but genuinely enticed, Safrin raised a brow, more than happy to rise to his little challenge. "Well I'd not strip you of all the things you've chosen to be, for one. Sage. Loreseeker. Teacher. You quietly seek power though don't want to be boastful in your wielding of it. You want to help, but not overstep. You have the capacity to rule and lead, but don't want to step on toes."

So what was it she was offering?

"I would make you not unlike an oracle, not tethered to any one land, but a servant of all. Access to my books and crypts, to the lore of this world...Loreseekers in all realms, networks to share information, and you at the centre of it all, like a beacon. Not a lantern in a world of darkness, but a lighthouse whose brilliance comes not from hubris, but from me."

Jigano could not doubt her experience, or the future that she painted of his memory: mourned briefly and then forgotten, as all mortal lives eventually were in the long span of years. A brief twist of resistance flared through his chest at it; he was a bard, after all, and being remembered meant a great deal more to him than it should have… but no matter what shrine he prayed to, he could not control anything that would happen after he died. He could only trust those he had helped, whose lives he had impacted, to remember him fondly and pass his stories down…

And wasn’t that Safrin’s point?

But it was Ludo’s, too.

Gods most fortunate he wished there was a way to walk the balance between them, but the ties between them were so ancient and complex he didn’t know where to begin… and he had not given the goddess the respect due to a deity when he should have. Still, his curiosity led him to ask the question he never should have given voice to.

And her answer was… everything.

Who could know him better than someone who had torn him apart, stripping away his illusions and lies? She knew what he wanted, what he yearned for, and she whispered it in silken words that wrapped around his heart and left him trembling with how badly he desired the picture that she painted. Of the man he could be, if only he walked away from his oaths.

The bard swayed on his feet as thoughts and emotions chased through him, his heart thrown into chaos by her…

Offer? No. Nothing so concrete. But the possibility of one…

”Why?” The words came out more a plea than a demand, his voice a whisper on the floral breeze around her shrine as he stood stunned and overwhelmed. ”I’ve disappointed you before this, so why… why would you do this for me?” A gift, a purpose, a hope… ”And… what would it cost?” There couldn’t be change without some form of loss. No gift of the gods he had ever received without effort and work to be worthy of it. What she dangled before him seemed almost too good to be true, and he feared the price of it even as he ached for the dream of it.

safrin

'You have, yes." Safrin replied with a willing nod. "But my vanity does not run quite so deep that I'd let you drown in it and ignore your potential." Her lips pulled tight for a moment as her eyes sparkled wickedly. "Yet, anyways." She had her limits after all, and though Jigano could stroke her ego with the best of them, he also had pushed her farther than any mortal in recent memory.

"Cost?" She said the word as if tasting something offensive. "Your allegiance would be to me, first and foremost. " Safrin said with a shrug; that much should have already been obvious. "Whether Ludo allows you to keep your lantern is not my call. Swing it about all you like so long as it doesn't interfere with the work we shall be doing." Something in her tone very much suggested that she'd prefer to see such arduous tasks left to the others. "And there will be work, Jigano. Much of it. There are...indications, you might say, of things to come. But I wouldn't trust that knowledge to anyone less than someone with my complete confidence. One with the pursuit of life and knowledge as their highest priority."