No Renaissance Came

i said make me love myself, so that i might love you // don't make me a liar

Honestly, Nate isn't sure why he bothers trying to go to the shrine, a few days after it's been completed. He isn't sure why he helped bring it to fruition at all, though the part of him that isn't overwhelmed by frustration reminds him that it's beneficial to not have to make the trek to the Hollowed Grounds when he needs to be refreshed, and at least it's a closer place to go to to be ignored. He can all but see his house from here.

There is an offering in his hands, a shard of blue seaglass, in a jagged shape, not unlike the lightning in the shrines hand. Nate turned it over in his hands as he stood before the altar, an all too familiar resignation settling in his shoulders as he worked his jaw, tried to pick through his words.

"Did I... am I doing this wrong? Am I fucking this up somehow?" The words echo around the chamber, Nate reaching up to run a hand through his hair, his frustration, anger, dripping off his tongue. "I mean, I know you exist, I've seen you, you... made me." A scoff there, the subject a whole different can of worms. "Everyone else sees you, and they're all so fucking happy with it." The hand in his hair moves to rub at his jaw, at the half healed marks along his throat, some of the bitterness draining out of him, replaced by an exhaustion.

"So it's me, right?"

because i swear to god // when i said it, i thought it was true

the Voice

"Of course it is you. But not in the way that you think, bright one."

Nate is the first true visitor to this fresh shrine of hers, but that is not why she appears. The Voice has seen, of course; has seen her bright one grow dark and jaded, has seen what repeated silence has seeded within him. And now she is here, to put those things to rest at last.

"You are a man of logic," she says, flickering up from the shrine in a wash of sparks, that she might pluck up his offering, her porcelain fingers dancing across the sea glass. "I thought you not the type to seek purpose in something beyond the realms of your own doing."

A gentle smile, an apology. "But it seems I have been mistaken. Speak then, Nate Wren. Speak, refresh yourself, and we shall understand you a little better."

i said make me love myself, so that i might love you // don't make me a liar

There is something almost poetic about the Voice appearing now, when all Nate has to him is handful of complaints aired to an empty cave and a shard of glass in his hand. No well thought out gift, or carefully considered words. If he were in a different mood, he might even be able to see some kind of humour in the situation.

Right now though, all her appearance does is make him bristle, his jaw setting in a hard line as he stares at her. "I'm not looking for purpose. Wasn't ever, really." Despite the edge to his words, there's no resistance when she plucks the glass from his fingers, his hand falling limply to his side as soon as it's empty. His mood is kept steady by the smile, the apology, though it feels like too little, too late already.

"I want answers." That seemed logical enough to ask for. Nate was careful to curb his tone though, knowing that despite her sweet facade, the Voice was still a Goddess, could still take offense to him, and do She only knew what if he crossed a line. "I... why did you take so much, when you changed me?" It's the first of a great many questions, the most important feeling. "I mean, I can't feel, not really, I can't enjoy myself, can't indulge in anything."

because i swear to god // when i said it, i thought it was true

the Voice

The sea glass seems to glow in her hands, though perhaps that is just the way the latent energy about her swirls and shines through it. Daintily, the Voice sits herself upon the edge of one of the large boulders, watching him with the patience of ages. "Answers, then," she says by way of encouragement, waiting for him to speak again before considering her response.

"Bright one, I have taken no more from you than I have any other Ascended," she said softly. "And it was done with the best of intentions, not spite. What enjoyment do you lack? What feeling do you need? Whatever is missing now has been replaced by something that transcends all that you were before. And you are still capable of interacting with the world, are you not? Still capable of love?" She raises her eyebrows; of course she knows all there is to know about Nate.

i said make me love myself, so that i might love you // don't make me a liar

”Why do you take so much from us then?” Nate corrects himself, stepping closer to the boulder.  ”I don’t understand the intentions.” Even when he thought about it removed from himself, the things they lost didn’t make much sense. ”Doesn’t pain keep a creature cautious, away from danger? Doesn’t pleasure give you a way to control it?” Nate does make the attempt to see it from her perspective, to think about things from a Gods point of view.

Something that might be guilt and might be shame rises in his chest as she asks about love, raises her brows. The words feel too much like an accusation, they bring him back to memories he’d sworn he left behind. ”I just want to be able to feel his hands on me. Properly.” The soft, quickl words almost dont make it out of him, but she has to know already, what he wants, what he’s going to say, to ask for. At least if he voiced it he can say he asked.

because i swear to god // when i said it, i thought it was true

the Voice

The Voice takes his questions without malice, without defiance, simply sitting herself cross-legged on the boulder as Nate approaches. "Pain is also unnecessary. And pleasure for an Ascended comes alongside something infinitely useful," she explains. "The system that replaced the one you gave up, bright one, is just as capable of recognising threat and exercising caution, if not more so, without any unpleasant side effects." She does not take, she replaces, she improves, she makes better.

"It is quite a change for any one person to go through, that much I will admit. Adjustment periods ought to be expected, though I worry that you long for something that you knew you were giving up." For it would have all been explained to him, throughout his ascension, what it meant.

He speaks again and she reaches out her hand, touching it to his cheek. And whilst he would not feel it in the way he might have hoped, he would at least feel refreshed and replenished. "You talk of that which Sam possesses," she says, a small sigh escaping her. "A mistake to give such a thing to him, in truth. A weakness returned to a perfect form."

i said make me love myself, so that i might love you // don't make me a liar

Now that he's closer, Nate lets himself fall into an absolute stillness, his arms crossed in front of him and his eyes focused on his progenitor, his Goddess. He wonders, briefly, if there's even a point to arguing this, if he'll ever understand, when he doesn't really want to. But he listens to the explanation, humming before he responds, accepting what she says about pain easily enough. It's not the return of pain he wants, after all. "The pleasure comes with the bite, right? And the ability siphoning? Why... lock it together like that?"

Her accusation that he longs for something he knew he's given up is, unfortunately true. He might be able to hide behind his words, his accusations hurled at Sam, the blame thrown as far away from his own feet as it could be, but at the end of the day he had been told what to expect. "I don't think I really... fully grasped what it would be like. I didn't have any reason to miss it then." A weak excuse, but it's all that he's got.

As her hand comes towards him, Nate braces, expecting something far worse than the gentle touch, the warm refreshment it brings. "Why did you let him have something like that, if you're so against it?" He asks, wondering why the patch had even come into existence, if the Voice was so against it.

because i swear to god // when i said it, i thought it was true

the Voice

"Because as much as pain can make one over cautious, pleasure can make one reckless," the Voice explains, drawing her hand back once she is convinced he is rejuvinated. "It is also a great motivator. What better way to encourage the interfacing with others than to make it pleasurable? Of course, it is not perfect." As Nate would well know, the sluggishness that came from drinking blood. "But that is yet another reminder as to why you shouldn't overindulge." It makes perfect, logical sense.

She sighs, glancing over him and tilting her head. "I cannot undo what has been done, bright one, no more than one of the old gods could change you from being an Abandoned." A long-winded way of saying tough, but that was the truth of it. As for Sam's patch, she shimmers in a crackle of static. "An experiment to ease the anguish of a child," she says. "Samuel has come far since then. It may be time for him to give up his weakness and return to the fold on equal footing with his brothers and sisters."

i said make me love myself, so that i might love you // don't make me a liar

The issue with being logical is that it leaves Nate very few avenues for discussion or disagreement, his desires based almost entirely on personal, emotional wants. He nods along to her explanation, more than a little begrudging, leaning back when she removed her hand from his face. ”Could the pleasure from interfacing maybe... linger longer?” He asked, trying to find some angle still, and not worried about the side effects of overindulgence.

”I don’t want to be undone. At least... not really. I do... I like what I am, what I can do.” Nate just wanted to be more, to have more. And if the Voice wouldn’t couldn’t? help him, he’d try to find some other way. Something did feel incredibly fair about the idea of Sam losing his sensation upgrade, thought it hadn’t been the intention of his complaints.

because i swear to god // when i said it, i thought it was true

the Voice

"Perhaps," she says, though the quietly puzzled inflection is clear: but what benefit would it have? How would it improve you? What would it bring you, other than mindless pleasure? And that in itself might prove to be the stumbling block. She tilts her head to him at the silence that stretches between them, static seeming to jump between her fingers, the strands of her hair. "I am a goddess, bright one. You are an open book to me - I would not recommend seeking from others that which I might provide you, whatever it may be." A warning, perhaps?

"What is it you seek, Nate? You have come to me to tell me of your hardships, to ask questions about the nature of the Ascended - about why you are the way you are. But you have not told me what it is you want, only what you do not want." He has hinted, perhaps, but she does not have the patience for dithering.

i said make me love myself, so that i might love you // don't make me a liar

Nate recognizes the tone in the Goddess' voice, the end of the word tilting up to suggest a question he should know the answer to. A why would I bother? kind of tone. He rolls his shoulders back as her head tilts, not quite shrugging in response, but not necessarily not doing that either. Blue eyes stay focused on her, watching the static spark through her form, but he has to look away when she speaks next. A light hum leaves him as he nods, but his eyes don't rise again.

His time with her is coming to an end, and she has the grace to at least warn him, to give him a moment to get his thoughts back on track. "If... you won't humour my sensation requests," he waves his hands like it's a big joke they're both in on, "then, maybe you could meet me in the middle a little bit?" A grin lifts his lips, the idea coming to him suddenly. "It might be nice to have something by my side, some other connection to... feeling, and to you."

because i swear to god // when i said it, i thought it was true

the Voice

Meeting in the middle sounds like a negotiation, like Nate's future within the Ascended has not been carefully mapped and planned and catered for already. But the Voice smiles, benign and innocent, as if the choice is his to make.

"I do not see why not," she intones softly, gazing up at the cave around them and swinging a leg to gently kick her heel against the boulder. "Let us go outside, bright one. Let us see the stars which smile down upon us, prideful as Safrin may be."

There is a flash, like a lightning strike, and suddenly Nate will find softer sands beneath his feet, the hush of the waves nearby, and the whole cosmos blanketed out above them. "What do you know about creatures that roam the skies, Nate?"

i said make me love myself, so that i might love you // don't make me a liar

For the first time, Nate feels like maybe he's grabbed a victory, despite the fact that its coming in the form of a concession. It's better than he had necessarily expected, after the brusqueness of her voice earlier, the warning he'd received. The sudden flash has him blinking reflexively, though he bites down the urge to flinch, unwilling to show that much weakness in front of the Goddess.

When he opens his eyes again, they turn to the sky above, the ocean on the ground more than outshone by the seas of stars above. "I know a little bit. Less than I want to." He offers his answer carefully, head cocked to try and keep the Voice and the sky both in view.

because i swear to god // when i said it, i thought it was true

the Voice

She is smaller at this proximity, and Nate might notice as much as she stands beside him on the sands, bathed in static and starlight, her eyes far, far above. It’s as though she can see through the cosmos itself, as if she can see things he cannot - and indeed, it does appear to be that way as she reaches out a hand to the stars. ”Well, let us see if we might rectify that.” She smiles, somehow more human and yet more ethereal than ever before. And a crackle lances out from the Voice’s fingertips, shooting up through the clouds...

And touches something. Interacts with it, calls it, perhaps?

Regardless, it begins to drift down towards them, a lonely little thing, it’s spiralling horn piercing the night as it sings a mournful note, a call for help. Was it always alone? Or did she separate it from its kin? Would Nate question it, either way?

”This is a starwhale,” she explains. ”A baby, of course. As far as connections go, you shall have no gentler reminder.”