(SE) so we light up (O)

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

Another small hum of thanks is given toward Vai for the condolences. He’s not sure where it would have left him, knowing that he’d want to be a part of the child’s life… but after everything? After all of it? It was hard to say where things would even stand. So instead, he moves on, offering up bits and pieces of his history to her in a way that sort of makes sense — to his drunken state and having lived through it.

All he can really manage is to keep her gaze for a bit while he explains, before she’s turning her head away and he’s turning his too — up toward the clouds as the rain continues to pour. He blinks against the raindrops briefly as he debates answering her question about the Trial, and inevitably it wears out. “The Trial is when they’d take all the noble boys and whomever else could afford to enter at seventeen years old, throw them into a pit, and the last one alive wins.” He explains, lifting a hand to rub at his neck, over the compass tattoos.

“And the resistance was to overthrow my father and put in a better system. And it worked for a while until my girl and I were captured.” A rise and fall of his shoulders given to the air and rain around them.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

VAI The huntress Perhaps it was because Vai had children and had not had the easiest time of it herself, but there was something about stories like Sunjata’s that struck at a deep, dark part of her; the part that would kill anyone who put Felix in danger, for instance. Inhaling deeply and letting out the breath again, she glanced across at the Arbiter once she had gathered herself - once the reality of what he had said sunk in. ”What happened to you was barbaric.” That was the only word she could think of, Vai digging her feet into the sand and tugging at a stray thread on the scarf. ”What then, after you were captured? Did you fall into Caido then?” she asked. With any luck that would be the case, but she had a bad feeling that there was more. There was usually more with this kind of thing.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

If there’s one thing Vai knows already, it’s the fact Sunjata’s not lucky. He’s never been lucky. It was as true then as it is now, as he lowers his head, nods along with her as a quiet mirthless laugh leaves him. “So I’ve been told.” He rumbles quietly, until her question hits and he’s lowering his legs, trying to open himself a bit more despite the growing urge to close off again. He reaches for the bottle set upon the sand, takes a swig from it and sets it back down before he continues.

“My father thought he could fix me. So I spent the weeks of the capture listening as he tortured my girl. Brought us up to my family living room, killed her right atop the marble. I almost died then, too.” Something in his tone still suggests that he wishes he had, pointing with a finger to the scar that snakes along his neck from the back of his ear down to the top of his chest. “But they fixed me up, and the very same evening my father arranged a marriage for me and my sister.” He shrugs his shoulders, exhaling a sigh, suddenly moving to pat his pockets for the box of cigarettes stashed away.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

VAI The huntress Yeah, there was more. Enough that once Sunjata was done with the bottle, Vai picked it back up and took another healthy pull from it - because all of a sudden it made a lot of sense, why he drank. The way he patted his pockets was a gesture she was familiar with, though she couldn’t help but smile mirthlessly. ”It’s a little wet, to light up,” she remarked, reaching out to lay a hand on his arm. ”It wasn’t your fault, what happened to you. Or your girl. You know that, right?” she said softly. ”None of it was your fault. The things your father did weren’t yours to control. And it doesn’t make you like him, either.” What it did make him was something else completely, something that might never heal from the cracks that had been knocked into it.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

The patting of his pockets is stopped abruptly when her hand lands on his arm, and he looks over toward her as she speaks, feeling those cracks begin to grow wider as it’s brought to light, almost as if the darkness within him wants to shy away from it. And he glances over to her before he looks back out toward the waves, swallowing hard but stilling regardless. His attention shifting between wanting to tell her how wrong she was, the weight he bore on his shoulders and his heart, and how much he wanted to believe she was right.

He’s torn, unsure what to do, but at least it gives him time to shift his thoughts.

“No, but I did get his mood swings. I can feel myself turn into him sometimes and I hate it. I hate being that person. I’ve done it to everyone I’m close to. Nate’s just been the bigger asshole to make up for it.” He sighs letting his gaze drop, reaching up to wipe at his face again.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

VAI The huntress ”...I don’t think that’s true. That you turn into him, I mean. I don’t think that’s true of anyone.” She gave his arm a gentle squeeze, before letting her hand fall away. ”We can’t help but copy the things we grow up around. Doesn’t mean you’d put a bunch of kids through the same trial you went through. Doesn’t mean you’d come close.” Trying a smile, Vai glanced out at the waves as well; the tide was coming in, and their feet were starting to get wet - not that she cared. ”And you can learn not to be that way. It’s hard, and it’s the kind of work that takes a lifetime. But... it’s up to you, who you want to be. And I’m sure it would be nice for Nate not to have to be the bigger asshole, don’t you think?” Sighing, Vai leaned back on her hands. ”Besides, you can’t just be made up of your father. You had a mother too, right?”

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

It is relieving to hear it put that way, but it still doesn’t alleviate the worries he has when it comes to his sharp tongue, his probing at points that people have mentioned hurt them, only to fling it back at him when he’s in those moods. But he’s not sure how to explain that; how to get the words to work off his tongue comfortably. Then again, nothing about this intense conversation was comfortable.

And so he shifts a small amount in the sand, watching the water as it moves to reach their feet and the Korofian doesn’t care, because he’s listening to Vai’s words, of him, of Nate, of the idea of his mother that feels like an old scar ripping anew. “It would be nice.” He offers quietly, hoarsely, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he mulls over his mother. “She… Well, I was fucked up after the Trial.” Understandably so. “She got me out of it, told me to fix things when my father was gone.” His mother had always encouraged the rebellious ideas that swirled in Sunjata’s head, had always been there for him when nobody else was.

“But I wasn’t ever close to her until after I won. Back in Korofi you just… didn’t attach yourself to your kids in case they died when the Trial came around. I only got two years with her, technically a year because I was stationed before defecting.” He mulls it over again, unsure how to explain it without going into the full details, unsure if she even wants to know them at this point.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

VAI The huntress ”She sounds like a smart woman,” Vai said, knowing all too well how difficult it was to operate in a world that you could only oversee from the sidelines. To live, to watch her son grow up and have to keep him at arm’s length... Vai frowned out at the waves. Could she imagine doing such a thing with Ashetta? With Felix? Never. Perhaps that would have meant a very quick demise by Korofi standards. Or perhaps she would have learned to steel herself; watching from afar was better than nothing at all, wasn’t it? Letting out a deep sigh, she glanced back across to Sunjata, soaking wet and full of whiskey. ”Sometimes we have to cling on to the times we did have. A year is longer than you thought you might have, right?” Pushing her sopping wet curls out of her face, Vai took up the bottle again for another sip. ”I imagine she was very proud of you, for doing what you did.”

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

“She was.” He rumbles quietly. “Taught my sister well.” And still, Saartjie was somewhere back there, in the midst of Dorobo the neighboring country, trying to figure out a way of life that wasn’t under their father’s fingertips and mechanics. But gods he had tried hard, had tried with everything he could, and yet it still didn’t feel like it was enough time. Still didn’t feel like it was enough of anything really.

When Vai looks back at him, his gaze remains on the waves, stretching out a bit more fully and partially shifting so his lower half is black and white, the tail fin lapping against the waves. Shark bites mar the skin there, crisscross and ravaged but healed. He leans back on his elbows, sighing lightly to her comment as he nods regardless. “She was proud, I think.” At least, she’d given that slight shake of her head when his father’s booming voice had demanded he hand over the location of the resistance, the mouthed ‘I love you’.

“Never found out though. Good ol’ dad broadcast her murder across all of our section of Korofi, demanding I call him and tell him where the resistance was. I… Didn’t. Watched him kill her in real time. Spent the next few weeks in my room with a few too many bottles of that.” He glances back over to her, nudging his head toward the bottle in her hands.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

VAI The huntress Raising an eyebrow at the sudden tail fin splashing about in the waves around them, Vai gave an unexpected smile. ”You are full of surprises,” she remarked, passing the bottle back to him. Regrettably the lighthearted moment was short lived, because gods there was more to come. Numb as Sunjata finished, Vai could do little more than stare at the sea for a while after. What could one say to that? Brow furrowing, it was a few minutes before she could gaze back at him. ”She was proud,” she said, seeming strangely certain about it. ”I’d be proud, if you were my son. Gods know you haven’t been dealt an easy hand. But you’re doing the best with what you’ve got.” Rubbing at her forehead, she let out a deep sigh. ”And you’ve got a new start here. Who do you want to be?”

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

She passes the bottle back to him and he takes it easily, lifting it to his lips to take another sip of it before he sets it in a space slightly dug out in the sand. There’s a huff of a sound that leaves him, a small smile as he nods. She’d already seen three of his shifts, but a few more remained hidden beneath the surface of his skin.

But then he’s talking about his life and omitting even more darker details, souring the mood until the rain patters along his tail fin, the edges of it curling in the waves that lap up against him. He doesn’t expect her to say she’d be proud of him, doesn’t know where to take it. He’s never felt proud of the things he’s done, of the people he’s killed, of the people he’s gotten killed. He doesn’t know if that makes it better or worse.

He is, however, doing the best he can with the shitty hand he’s been given. And he focuses on that as much as he can with the question she poses, reaching up to wipe away the rain on his face again, pretending it’s only just that. “Never really had a chance to choose what I wanted to do. Made two bars here in Caido, a boxing ring, still ended up Arbiter one way or another. Though Remi and I thought it was a great ‘fuck you’ to my father at the time.” He manages with a small huff of a sound, glancing over to her again. “I've always been what people needed me to be at the time. I don’t know what I want other than that.” He murmurs, tattooed shoulders rising and falling in a shrug.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

VAI The huntress The waves were finally enough to start to soak through Vai’s boots, so she drew her knees up on the sand, offering a weak smile as Jata spoke. ”There’s always time to learn how to be what you want.” She sighed, wiping the rain out of her face with a wet sleeve as well. ”Most important thing to be is happy. But I get the feeling that you’re not. Not a lot of the time, anyway.” Maybe it was that realisation that had her scooting closer, looping an arm around the Attuned in a hug. ”If being Arbiter doesn’t make you happy, stop. Remi will understand, for all the rough edges he seems to have gained since I saw him last. The people of Torchline seem to resent the idea of law and order anyway, from what I’ve seen of them.” Vai glanced back out at the ocean, slate grey now with the rain rolling in. ”Maybe you could just... sail. A lot of people do.”

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

There is time, he realizes this, but he’s too caught up in the fact that he needs to be good at something in order to pursue it. And it’s a challenge, going from learning how to be a soldier from the moment he was a child, learning to become something more and other seemed almost unthought of. As for his happiness? He doesn’t remember a time where he was truly happy, without something else eating at him. And all he can do is try to remain strong, his father's voice echoing in his head about being weak and showing that weakness, the disgrace it was.

He exhales a long sigh as her arm wraps around him and his balance is put off a bit, leaning into her embrace to catch himself. His arm snakes out to wrap around her too and he’s not sure what it is about what she says but it causes that string to break, whatever was keeping him together. A quiet sound leaves him, shuddering a bit into her embrace, thankful for the rain, swallowing down the tightness of his throat. “It’s all I know, Vai.” A quiet and hoarse admission, fighting injustice regardless of Arbiter or not. He can’t even comment on the idea of sailing, because once he wasn’t hunted anymore he’d learned to love the earth beneath his feet far too much to hop on a boat and follow the waves.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

VAI The huntress It was as he returned the embrace that Vai finally shifted to her knees on the sand to hug him properly, the huntress scowling into the depths of the water. For all of her advice, her calm, her reasoning, there was a storm that churned in her that promised only horror for people like the father Sunjata described. But that wasn’t what he needed right now. ”And that’s okay,” she said softly. ”It was all you could do for a very long time. But you’re not there anymore. This is somewhere new, somewhere different. There’s no trial, no resistance, no bullshit father giving orders from on high. You can learn to be something else, if you wanted to.” And fuck, if that wasn’t terrifying all by itself. Vai glanced down at him, offering a weak smile. ”And even if you don’t want to - you don’t have to be what he wanted you to be. You’ve got the right to live your own life, you know?”