From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Smother me with pillows and kindness, in which I have never seen
Please slit my perfect throat with the knife that I gave you
The message had come when he had been alone, which was probably the best time for it: gave him time to cry, to struggle to not throw up, to yell and pace around and panic as much as he needed to without distressing anyone else. There was plenty of that to do, as the meaning of Wessex's words really got into Sam's head.
He had killed Rexanna and Clem. Intentionally or not, his actions had lead directly to their demise, and what was worse: The Voice had warned him of that and he'd left her for it.
Before long, there was a note on the kitchen table telling Zeph he'd be back, then he was out the door, wandering in the dusky evening down to find the Voice's shrine without even really knowing what he was doing. Sam still had all of his objections, still wanted to find his own path...but she had been right, and he couldn't deny that; that combined with his seemingly inevitable death from a lack of fluid, and there was enough impetus for him to kneel before the statue once again.
Without any indication the Voice was there, he began to speak. "...Voice. I n-need to talk to you an...and I have a lo-lot to say, so I hope you'll li..listen." This was probably blasphemously bold, but he had to get it all out before they could continue; he looked up to the statue and spoke directly to it.
"I meant it, when I le...left, and I'm no-not back because I mi..miss my upgrades. I..I mean, I do, and I esp-especially miss my voice, but..that's not the re-reason. No, I um..." Sam sighed, still finding this hard to say: "I ca-came because Rexanna and Cl-Clem died just li...like you said so-someone would, and um...I realised tha..that maybe you kn-know things more than I thought. But."
Maybe he was going to get smote for daring to speak this much at length about his issues with her, but he was set to die in a year anyway. "I fin-find it so ha..hard to blindly follow. A l-lot of the things we've done or..or caused, I h-hate. The Blight...you do-don't even seem that sorry f..for it. You seem to ha-hate people who are good ju..just because they aren't Ascended. You ma-make it so we can never...never really leave you. Please, I wan-want to understand, but I ca..can't just throw away all my concerns. B-but, oh, Rex..." Rambling words over, Sam put his head in his hands and softly cried, not sure if he expected his Goddess to answer or not.
i'll be your hope, i'll be your love, be everything that you need.
Voice. Not Mother. How interesting.
I realised tha..that maybe you kn-know things more than I thought.
If only Sam had stopped there.
Appearing with a whisper of electricity, the Voice merely regarded Sam for a moment before speaking directly into his accusations.
"Sam, I have never forced you to do anything. You have always had a choice. You have asked things of me, and I have asked things of you. Have threats ever been made against you, to do my bidding?" She asked, her voice calm and gentle.
"Who is it I hate, simply for being good? As for leaving me, you were made aware of the change you asked to undergo when you ascended. In order to be what you asked to become, it meant being linked to me forever."
Bringing up Rex made her sag considerably, the Voice pulling in a breath she didn't need. "I did warn you of that, Samuel. But you put your trust in the old gods, in those who were not your kin. Had you asked me, I could have helped. But you thought you knew better and you placed your trust in those I warned would not have your best interests in mind. And now two of our family are dead."
Smother me with pillows and kindness, in which I have never seen
Please slit my perfect throat with the knife that I gave you
The Voice appeared before him and all at once Sam felt a wave of intense comfort and a shock of fear: the desire to be safe again in his Goddess-mother's arms and the revolutionary spirit that had taken hold in him fighting it out in his mind as he listened to her words. She chided him gently, as he had expected; he was quiet as she spoke.
"...No th-threats, but...because we d-die with..without your help, that's...I mean, if we d-didn't do what you wanted, you cou...could just kill us. Re-remove our upgrades. Stop gi-giving us fluid. There's always that. In my mi-mind." He pointed out, wondering if the Voice had realised the implicit threat that lingered behind her requests. "And wh..when I disagreed with the fi-fight with the monsters, you di-didn't have to shame or th...threaten me. Wessex does it f..for you."
At one point he would never have argued, but with the freedom of thought and independance he'd gained in the last weeks, he knew he would not able to rest until he had answers...though the matter of the dead family members was enough to lower his confident gaze. "...Ar...are their souls with yo-you? Are they alright? I...I really th-thought I was going to help p..people, with the door.." He sunk down, hands pressing against the earth in a defeated pose.
i'll be your hope, i'll be your love, be everything that you need.
"I could kill you all anytime I wanted. Just as the old gods could kill anyone they chose. But have I ever, Sam? Have I ever even suggested I would do such a thing? To my bright ones? Our family?" Sitting straighter, the Voice shook her head sadly. "You have built me up to be a monster in your mind, on evidence that has absolutely no foundation in reality." She added, looking both disappointed and disheartened in him.
"So you would have me control Wessex, then?" She asked. "You both say you don't have enough free will Sam, but seem to also imply I should control the rest of our family to suit you. What Wessex does is her own choice. Just as what you do, is yours."
Turning her head away to regard the cave walls, the Voice merely shook her head. "You have forgone your place in this family, Sam. Since you believe you and the old gods know what is best, perhaps you ought to ask them." The Voice said, gazing passively back at Sam.
Smother me with pillows and kindness, in which I have never seen
Please slit my perfect throat with the knife that I gave you
Hearing the Voice so blatantly admit she could kill all the Ascended whenever she wanted reminded Sam of the conversation he'd had with Arialla, about the Gods and their different morals to humans, whether they could feel empathy with mortals they controlled. She was right though, that she had never suggested it.
That Wessex had apparently also complained about her free will came as a surprise; she had always seemed so endlessly loyal Sam had assumed she never dared to ask questions.
Despite everything that had happened, all he had learnt and grown and convinced himself he didn't need the family...The Voice's words stung. And when Sam thought of the inevitable death awaiting him, spending that year weak and unsure and running from his old 'family', no way out of it...he knew there would be people disappointed in him (not least himself), but he had to ask:
"..I..is there a way I cou-could come back? I don't...I don't want my o-old body back, the one I as..asked for when I was 16. But...every-everything else? What would I hav-have to do?"
i'll be your hope, i'll be your love, be everything that you need.
"Of course you can, Sam." The Voice agreed at once, turning to face him now in earnest. Her electric gaze was soft, but it was clear that not all was forgiven. Not all forgotten.
"Everything else, like your speech? Like augmenting your body to reflect how you felt on the inside?" She said, meaning his early transition.
"But you have broken my trust Sam, as well as the heart of our family. Much as I love you my bright one, I cannot forsake the safety of us all, for you. Not again. You may indeed come back, but should you ever choose to leave, should you ever stand in opposition to what is best for our family, you will be cast out forever with much more immediate consequences."
Smother me with pillows and kindness, in which I have never seen
Please slit my perfect throat with the knife that I gave you
That there was a way back...well, he had to take it. As much as he didn't want to, as much as he knew Amalia would be heartbroken; what other choice was there? The Voice was the closest thing to a parent he'd ever had and without her, he'd die. It was simple enough and maybe, through careful consideration and patience, he could cultivate his position in the family to be one more benefiting him: one where he could be quieter about his service, could sit out of the things he didn't like.
"I...I wan-want to speak clearly ag..again." It had been one of the hardest parts of the entire transformation, even with his death looming on the horizon. To have his ideas blocked and stopped, his words stuck in his throat; it clouded his entire life and day. "I'm...I've act-actually found I like my bo..body as it is. It's...I d-don't know. I feel confident. As me, li-like this." As far as his sex went, anyway.
The conditions she laid out were fair enough; having gone away once he would not do it again, not when he knew the consequences. "...I..I un-understand. Um...can I.." Sam sighed, only just realising what he'd heard and the words bouncing around in his head. "...Do you re-really? Love me? N...no one else ever has."
i'll be your hope, i'll be your love, be everything that you need.
In truth, the Voice would have done away with many sex characteristics entirely, given it wasn't how the ascended 'reproduced', if it could even be called that. She nodded with as much understanding as someone in her position could give though, having never been in Sam's position even when she had been fully human. His speech though, she could certainly understand. "Of course."
Listening patiently as her once-bright bookmaker formulated his thoughts, the Voice pulled in an unnecessary breath as she considered his question. She had hold him she had many, many times, and yet it had never really sunk in. Perhaps a different tactic, then.
Smother me with pillows and kindness, in which I have never seen
Please slit my perfect throat with the knife that I gave you
Sam was relieved to hear the Voice wouldn't insist on 'correcting' his body; as much as he didn't want to be here at all, that had been a large part of the hesitation, the fear that the newfound acceptance of himself would be for nothing in the end. At least he had gotten something out of this whole experience, even if it wasn't ending the way he had planned it to.
Her question was one he had not expected in answer to his own and Sam paused, chewing on his lip. Immediately he thought of his recent time with Zeph, how he'd felt so comfortable and unjudged and loved with the man simply because of the way Zeph treated him kindly; he thought of the moments when he'd felt best in tune with Jigano or even when, before it all went wrong, he and Remi had their moments of laughter or happiness.
"Its...when you an-and someone ca-care for each other eno..enough that you can la-laugh, and have a nice ti-time, no matter wh..what anyone from out..outside might think. Where you c-could be with that...that person forever and no-not mind." A soft smile appeared on his face, even given the circumstances.
i'll be your hope, i'll be your love, be everything that you need.
Softly, the Voice nodded, though she seemed unsatisfied with the bookmaker's answer. "That seems to me like being in love." Which, all things considered, was almost the only type Sam had ever known.
"But surely there are those you simply love, are there not? That you would continue to love even if there was no laughter, no nice times to be had?" Those like Amalia. Evie. Those he'd had complicated relationships with, like Jigano perhaps.
Smother me with pillows and kindness, in which I have never seen
Please slit my perfect throat with the knife that I gave you
Sam could tell that his answer hadn't been satisfactory for the Voice; when she said why he frowned, not much knowing the difference between in love and just love. He also wasn't sure why this really mattered, when he was here to return to her: was she not content just taking him back into the family? Would his answers to these questions decide anything about his fate?
"..I suppose so, yes. There are people I still love even if things aren't...great." He sighed as Remi came to mind, the man's bizarre pushing away of everyone close to him not marring the affection Sam still felt deep within his chest. "You're saying you love the Ascended like that, then?"
i'll be your hope, i'll be your love, be everything that you need.
'I'm saying I love you like that, Sam." The Voice clarified with a smile. "You asked if I love you, and of course I do, but I only hoped that by answering what love was for yourself, you would see the things I have done for you in a new light. I have supported you even when I did not like your choices. I have been there for you, nearly every time you have called and always when I could. I have never lied, have always done what I thought best for you. Even when..things are not nice between us, still I am here for you. As I am now, despite all that has happened."
Despite you leaving.
Despite everything you have done.
Despite Rex and Clem's death.
Smother me with pillows and kindness, in which I have never seen
Please slit my perfect throat with the knife that I gave you
As much as Sam had believed his mind was made up and that he was set in his leaving the Voice, as much as he had meant it at the time, something about hearing the words from her on love brought tears to his eyes and he found himself nodding along. Perhaps there was some guilt there too, thinking on his own feelings towards the Voice; if he loved her, should he not also be forgiving of her flaws, her mistakes?
Acceptance, on both sides: was it possible?
"...I lo-love you to..too." He said quietly, not yet finding it in him to add 'mother' on the end of the words, but meaning them all the same. "I'm s-sss-sorry. I really a..am, I just-- I d-don't know. I get in my he..head, and then I believe things..." He shrugged helplessly, not knowing how to properly explain the endless turmoil his brain put him through.
i'll be your hope, i'll be your love, be everything that you need.
Softly, the Voice merely opened her arms. Gliding forward, she took Sam against her. Despite the strange proportionality differences between them, she was easily able to wrap her arms around him, her cheek against the top of his head. Electric light bloomed around them, sparking and snapping as a vector of energy bled from her into him. Strength once lost, defenses previously lowered, all now were restored.
Or..mostly so. Upgrades have been repurposed and cannot be restored. Sunlight sensitivity will need to be built up again, but it should come far faster than before. Still clutching him as the light gradually fades, the Voice pulls him ever closer. "I know you won't always understand, Sam, and I know you won't always agree. But I am not what the world makes me out to be. Nor are you. Your value is not tied to me, nor is your goodness."
