pour one out for our ghosts
Zephyr Kawaianu
Smuggler / Guildmaster

Age: 42 | Height: 5'10 | Race: Accepted | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 5 - Strg: 25 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 26 - Luck: 10 - Int:
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#1
Trigger Warning 
zephyr

We'll go for a swim, like Ma did.

At some point you finished the whiskey. At another point someone gave you more, because what's having a crew of thieves and hooligans for if not getting yourself wasted as all fuck? You're about a quarter of the way through it at this point, and the sun is going down in a brilliant array of colors. No rain, that'd be too thematically appropriate; instead the clouds have captured the fading light, basking you in an array of reds and golds. It'd be a perfect fucking evening for a romantic stroll, or a family picnic.

Or a swim. Like Ma did.

Even though it's a busy time nobody is on this stretch of dock. You claimed this pier with a rarely seen ferocity, and anyone who knows you knows not to even try. Bless the brave soul who brought you the whiskey; now kindly fuck off, thanks.

Speaking of. You take another long, hard pull and set the bottle down. The water is dark and wild from wind; a great night for a swim you don't intend to come back from. You've thought about it a million times, but it's never felt so easily in reach. You could sink into the water and disappear and who would honestly give a shit? Another alcoholic taken by the waves, too bad so sad an all that jazz.

It's as good thing you're not standing, as drunk as you are. Truth is you might have jumped a long time ago, but you don't trust yourself to sink. You're too hollow now, emptied out of everything that made you who you were. Like driftwood you float along through the world, not quite alive but unable to die. Stuck in the purgatory of those left behind.

So let's pour one out for the ghosts.
burn all the things you have to burn
save all the people you're supposed to save
Vervain Calob
Huntress / Witch

Age: 44 | Height: 5'9 | Race: Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Greatwood
Level: 5 - Strg: 11 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 19 - Luck: 16 - Int:
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#2
and I loved you so much it was making me sick
Zeph is having a blow-out on the docks - that’s the word on the street anyway. Vai has been walking the world for long enough to know that the word on the street is one worth listening to, but if it weren’t for Zeph’s name, she’d likely not care much more than cursory interest. She’d been walking along the beach as the sun began to set, barefoot, pants rolled to the knee and her unruly curls up in a high tail, searching for cowries and oysters and watching the waves roll in.

Now there’s something more interesting afoot, and she makes her way up onto the boardwalk just the way she is, leaving wet prints on the wood. In Vai’s experience there’s either something to celebrate or something to mourn at times like this; her knowledge of Zeph so far tells her that it could well be either.

She spots him, a statue against the red and gold of the dying sun, ignoring calls that she’d be “better off leavin’ ‘im if she knows what’s good for ‘er” to approach. ”Party for one?” she asks, a whisper of a smile on her lips. ”Or room for one more?”
Zephyr Kawaianu
Smuggler / Guildmaster

Age: 42 | Height: 5'10 | Race: Accepted | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 5 - Strg: 25 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 26 - Luck: 10 - Int:
KI - Regular - Panther Chamelon
Played by: shark Offline
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Posts: 680 | Total: 4,577
MP: 2580
#3
zephyr

Well. There's a smell and a sound and a shadow you didn't really expect and don't know what to do with. While every other interloper has been greeted with snarled warnings, somehow you can't seem to muster the same level of easy anger for Vai. How the fuck did she find you, anyway? And why in the names of all the gods does she have to see you like this?

Probably better, you think grimly, staring over the lip of the bottle at the brooding sunset. Better for her to see your rotten core now, instead of after any inconvenient attachments form.

You don't look up. You know your eyes are bloodshot and swollen, that your scar is angry and raw from rubbing, that you look like the kind of drunken disaster you'd never allow on your docks. You want to tell her there isn't room, that there hasn't been room for anyone else since Ray stopped living in the real world and started living in your chest. Even El couldn't find a space for herself in the end, and driven by her loneliness took the long swim.

Another of your ghosts.

"Do what'cha wan'." Your voice is both hard and slurred, gravel rattling around in a blender. You desperately, painfully, achingly do not want her to leave, and you hate yourself for that.

Whatever she chooses you set down the whiskey beside you, an offering and a barrier at the same time. She'll have to either move it or sit on the other side, and either way it takes things out of your hands.

You cowardly, selfish prick.
burn all the things you have to burn
save all the people you're supposed to save
Vervain Calob
Huntress / Witch

Age: 44 | Height: 5'9 | Race: Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Greatwood
Level: 5 - Strg: 11 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 19 - Luck: 16 - Int:
COCO - Regular - Cloud Wyrm
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#4
and I loved you so much it was making me sick
Something to mourn, then.

It’s clear as soon as she gets a good look at him, never mind when the words grate through the air. Still, it’s not a fuck off, and as Zeph knows too well, Vai has a habit of doing what she wants regardless of being given the say so.

So she moves the bottle, takes her seat beside him, and tilts her head back for a healthy swig before offering it back. ”What’s the occasion?” she asks, voice softer but made more husky by the bite of the liquor. An anniversary? Birthday? Death day? Vai has been through them all in the years without her daughter. They hurt more each time, she finds, rather than less.

”The other deckhands seem shit-scared to come up here, whatever it is.”
Zephyr Kawaianu
Smuggler / Guildmaster

Age: 42 | Height: 5'10 | Race: Accepted | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 5 - Strg: 25 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 26 - Luck: 10 - Int:
KI - Regular - Panther Chamelon
Played by: shark Offline
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Posts: 680 | Total: 4,577
MP: 2580
#5
zephyr

Well. The bottle does not serve its purpose, because she just picks it up and sits anyway. A stubborn woman; you might have chuckled, were you not lost so deep in your own morose mind. As it is you simply grunt, taking the glass back by the neck and rising it up to your mouth, longing for that bright and burning oblivion that's harder and harder to find, these days.

Yeah, Vai, everyone else knew better. Testament to her tenacity once again, and this time you do snort. "Yeah, well. I ain't great company." No wonder people avoid you you avoid them. No wonder you've been living like a hermit with a permanent tenant. And a cat. Oh, you know you're drowning in your own self-pity, but sometimes it's nice to sink beneath the water instead of always fighting against the weight.

You still don't look at her. What are you supposed to say? "Lotta kids get sick 'round this time, didja know?" You're still staring hard at the ocean, as though it has caused you personal offence. "An' some'a 'em don' get better. An' th'gods don' give a shiiiiiiiiiiiit."
burn all the things you have to burn
save all the people you're supposed to save
Vervain Calob
Huntress / Witch

Age: 44 | Height: 5'9 | Race: Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Greatwood
Level: 5 - Strg: 11 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 19 - Luck: 16 - Int:
COCO - Regular - Cloud Wyrm
Played by: Honey Offline
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MP: 0
#6
and I loved you so much it was making me sick
”Yeah, well. Some people who aren’t great company are the ones who need it most,” Vai retorts, glancing sidelong at him. The man next to her is a bitter shell of the one she knows, the one with warm smiles and warmer hands and a filthy mind. But they all hold hurt underneath, and maybe people like Zeph (and people like her) just have a thicker skin than most. Doesn’t make it any less painful.

It’s like a fist around her heart, squeezing, when he mentions kids, and Vai’s expression grows solemn, sad. She nods her understanding. ”Lots of mothers get sick too,” she agrees, having been one such mother. And her daughter and husband had thought her dead, and had left. ”The gods have a different concept of life and death, I think.” Her tone is darker, but it necessarily unkind.

”What happened?” In the past? Now, to cause all this? Vai isn’t picky.
Zephyr Kawaianu
Smuggler / Guildmaster

Age: 42 | Height: 5'10 | Race: Accepted | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 5 - Strg: 25 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 26 - Luck: 10 - Int:
KI - Regular - Panther Chamelon
Played by: shark Offline
Change author:
Posts: 680 | Total: 4,577
MP: 2580
#7
zephyr

"My wife didn't get sick." These words are said darkly, through a curtain of pain. El didn't get sick, not in a way that you could see. Unlike Ray who wasted away before your eyes, Ella rotted from the inside out, while you were too blind to notice. Picking the bottle up again, you stare down at it angrily. "The gods don' give a flyin' fuck 'bout us. They made us to be toys." A violent motion shakes you; you raise the bottle and your voice. "Well fuckers, here's to you! Hope you're havin' fun!"

Another hard pull knocked back, you turn wild eyes to Vai. "You wanna know what happened? What happened is I went to 'em. I went to the gods and I asked for a sign and fuck a cunt if they didn' give me one! The best sign I coulda asked for, so real I could touch-"

Breaking off abruptly as a sob rises in your chest, you click your teeth closed and look away and swallow down the ache. When you speak again your voice is quiet, dangerously so. "They took'm away, Vai. Again. They let me see'm jus' t'take'm away again."
burn all the things you have to burn
save all the people you're supposed to save
Vervain Calob
Huntress / Witch

Age: 44 | Height: 5'9 | Race: Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Greatwood
Level: 5 - Strg: 11 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 19 - Luck: 16 - Int:
COCO - Regular - Cloud Wyrm
Played by: Honey Offline
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Posts: 1,328 | Total: 16,318
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#8
and I loved you so much it was making me sick
”I bet she felt it,” Vai says in a half whisper, well able to remember the pit of despair that had gnawed at her in the months and years after first losing Ashetta. To her credit, she doesn’t flinch as his voice grows louder; the witch has run with hunters and deviants, and anger is par for the course in those circles. Still, as he turns those grief-wild eyes on her, Vai is subdued momentarily.

The story that spills out speaks of the worst sort of pain, her breath catching as she listens. And when he turns away her hand reaches out to clasp over his around the bottle, the witch - usually eloquent and determined to get those last words in - utterly speechless. She tries to form something to say, but anything she tries withers on her tongue.

”Why would...” she manages eventually, wanting to reach out but not knowing how, or whether it would be appreciated. ”I can’t imagine. I... Zeph. Fuck.”
Zephyr Kawaianu
Smuggler / Guildmaster

Age: 42 | Height: 5'10 | Race: Accepted | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 5 - Strg: 25 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 26 - Luck: 10 - Int:
KI - Regular - Panther Chamelon
Played by: shark Offline
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Posts: 680 | Total: 4,577
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#9
zephyr

And at the end of the day that's all there is to it, right? The story ends how it always does: with something unimaginable and an eloquent fuck, because how else are you supposed to respond to something like that? Through the haze of inebriation and pain you are distantly aware that her hand is on yours, and that you really ought to draw away, but you can't bring yourself to.

Nor can you lean in closer, take the comfort you desperately need. You're frozen in place and time, just like you had been for years. This is what you get for trying to move on, for thinking there might be a life after loss. Joke's on you, Zephyr boy. That was never to be your lot.

It does feel cathartic to get it out. Now you can go back to burying down every piece of emotion you once burned so brightly with, to pretending that you're fine. "Yeah. So. 'S where I'm at." Strangely detached now, you shrug impassively. "'S what I get for givin' a fuck."
burn all the things you have to burn
save all the people you're supposed to save
Vervain Calob
Huntress / Witch

Age: 44 | Height: 5'9 | Race: Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Greatwood
Level: 5 - Strg: 11 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 19 - Luck: 16 - Int:
COCO - Regular - Cloud Wyrm
Played by: Honey Offline
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#10
and I loved you so much it was making me sick
”The whiskey makes sense all of a sudden,” Vai murmurs. Even as she speaks, though, she’s peeling the bottle gently out of his hands, so she can take a generous drink of it herself. Now it’s a party for two. And she doesn’t leave Zeph empty handed, at least - she leaves her fingers holding onto his, her grip warm and firm and secure.

”I’m sorry,” she says, lowering the bottle again. ”Not for... I mean, I don’t want you to feel like I’m pitying you. I’m just sorry about the fucking... gods bullshit.” Shaking her head, she doesn’t even know what she really wants to say. So she sits and holds his hand, staring out into the ocean. ”What were you going to do, after you drank enough?”
Zephyr Kawaianu
Smuggler / Guildmaster

Age: 42 | Height: 5'10 | Race: Accepted | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 5 - Strg: 25 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 26 - Luck: 10 - Int:
KI - Regular - Panther Chamelon
Played by: shark Offline
Change author:
Posts: 680 | Total: 4,577
MP: 2580
#11
Trigger Warning 
zephyr

Your hand is empty and then it's not, cold glass replaced by firm, warm fingers knit into your own. Vaguely surprised you look down at them, staring at her pale hand where it melds into your tan one. Is this another trick, you wonder, soon to be snatched away? This woman who sits beside you as you fall into your own shitty abyss- what new sin did you commit, to be tormented by your feelings for her?

"Wake up t'morra wi'out any memory'a this, ideally." Drink yourself into a stupor until everything disappeared, swallowed up by the black holes of the dying cells in your brain.

"Or go fer a swim. Ray said I oughta. Jus' like his ma." A swim you wouldn't come back from, but at least it would give you him. A swim you'd probably be considering quite seriously, were it not for the tether of her strange, warm hand.
burn all the things you have to burn
save all the people you're supposed to save
Vervain Calob
Huntress / Witch

Age: 44 | Height: 5'9 | Race: Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Greatwood
Level: 5 - Strg: 11 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 19 - Luck: 16 - Int:
COCO - Regular - Cloud Wyrm
Played by: Honey Offline
Change author:
Posts: 1,328 | Total: 16,318
MP: 0
#12
and I loved you so much it was making me sick
Zeph looks at her hand, and Vai? She keeps her eyes on the sea, though her thumb does ghost gently over the back of his palm; a physical reminder of here, of now. ”Yeah, that would be nice,” she agrees, finally glancing across at him with a sad smile. ”But the other hurt would still be there, lurking deep down.” Even if this one was gone, the rest would stay. Who knew, though? Maybe Zeph could live with that. He’d made room for it, had time to adjust.

”You could go for a swim,” she says slowly, knowing from previous conversations what that would entail. ”...Or you could go home. Get some sleep. And think about this again with a clear head.” She squeezes his hand. ”I’ll come with you, if you want.”
Zephyr Kawaianu
Smuggler / Guildmaster

Age: 42 | Height: 5'10 | Race: Accepted | Nationality: Natural | Citizenship: Torchline
Level: 5 - Strg: 25 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 26 - Luck: 10 - Int:
KI - Regular - Panther Chamelon
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Posts: 680 | Total: 4,577
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#13
zephyr

You could go for a swim. It would be easy, easier than anything else, and yet whatever it was that drove El into the water... it's something you don't have. Maybe it's testament to how fucked up you are, that you could keep on living after Ray was gone. Maybe El really did love him more than you did, and that's why she couldn't keep going without him. Maybe you've never been more than a shell.

You don't know. What you do know is that Vai's next suggestion is far harder. Already shaking her head when she begins, you're quick to put a stop to that. "Nah. Can't go home. Too many- to many people there. Red, an' his cat. An' ghosts. House's full'a ghosts."

Abruptly the head shaking stops as nausea fills your stomach and dizziness your brain. Blinking to clear your spinning vision, you stare back out at the setting sun. So bright. So pretty. So uncaring.

"Nah, I'mma... I'mma stay here. Dock's're basically home 'nyways. An' I still got more gods t'curse."
burn all the things you have to burn
save all the people you're supposed to save
Vervain Calob
Huntress / Witch

Age: 44 | Height: 5'9 | Race: Abandoned | Nationality: Outlander | Citizenship: Greatwood
Level: 5 - Strg: 11 - Dext: 19 - Endr: 19 - Luck: 16 - Int:
COCO - Regular - Cloud Wyrm
Played by: Honey Offline
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Posts: 1,328 | Total: 16,318
MP: 0
#14
and I loved you so much it was making me sick
”Red and his cat,” Vai echoes, raising an eyebrow at that but thinking it best not to push the matter given Zeph’s current state. And oh, Vai has no doubt as to the seriousness of that state, of how dark and deep that pit goes. At least while he’s here, with his hand in his, there’s a lifeline trying to pull him back. ”Alright, then,” she says, ”then I’ll stay and sit here with you, until you’re finished cursing the gods.” And doing whatever else he wanted, apart from going for that swim.

Vai shifts to sit closer, leaning her shoulder against Zeph’s, her bare feet tapping against the wooden boards of the dock. ”Do you need anything else? More booze, maybe?” she asks. ”I’ll even hold your hair, if you puke.”


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