maybe that makes me a fool

now take what i offer, straight up the nose, down the throat

it's a bearable bruise on your conscious

His brows raise as she calls him Sunny, an amused smile cracking over his face as he focuses on keeping his hand with hers, testing the strengths out. “I wouldn’t blame him.” Sunjata comments with a bit of amusement, before he’s focusing on his hands a bit more, as if he might be able to see the weakness that’s settled there within it.

“I did.” Confirmation to holding the lightning rod in that hand. “No… No pain. No sensation loss. If anything sometimes it feels more sensitive.” Like when he goes to shower and the heat of the water almost feels like it’s burning that arm, but is fine along the other.

His left hand settles in his lap as she focuses on his right hand, as he recollects his nightmares, listening for her input. And gods does she hit his biggest fear. “I am worried.” He says quietly, head tilting a bit as he focuses on anything but her face. “I have a horrible habit of not being able to save those I care about.” Lusea twice, Maea, Nate during his attack, Hotaru when she’d come home broken hearted after Kiada’s death.

but don't it feel good? don't you feel calmer?

i am the way and the life in the best looking truth

”Given the amount of trouble you’ve gotten into since I’ve known you alone, I wouldn’t blame him either,” she informs him, raising her eyebrows right back and grinning. Still, she listens with practiced focus as he explains about his hand, turning it this way and that, testing the tendons in his wrist and seeming satisfied, in the end, by his response. ”Alright. Well, it’s only been a few days since it happened. If it starts to impact you day to day, I’ll see if I can heal it with magic to speed things along.” She might have let him go at that point, but the way he speaks keeps her hand in his, Vai giving it a gentle squeeze. ”Sometimes, we can’t be,” she says softly. ”The same as the people who loved you couldn’t be there for your trial, or a lot of what you went through. Sometimes you can only be there afterwards, and that can be the more important part. And you’re always there for them after.” vervain I am always on your side

now take what i offer, straight up the nose, down the throat

it's a bearable bruise on your conscious

She seems satisfied enough with the inspection, nodding his head along with her to agree that he’d keep an eye on whether it impacted anything — sure that Nate would be able to help him come up with a plan so he might be able to keep track of what’s changed and what stays the same. “I’ll let you know.” He agrees, offering her a soft smile.

But that soft smile falters when she speaks again, his attention focusing on the lines on his hand within hers, on the way she squeezes it and says all the things that he knows are true but isn’t ready to accept just yet. Perhaps the lightning had spurred a bit too much of that mortality within him. He swallows hard, bobbing his head along in a nod toward her as he picks over his words.

“What if there isn’t an afterwards, though?” He asks, lifting his gaze up to scan her face. “What if something preventable happens and they don’t come home?” What then? That is his biggest fear, one he’s struck into Nate numerous times unfortunately, but one all the same.

but don't it feel good? don't you feel calmer?

i am the way and the life in the best looking truth

Vai settles into a curious sort of calm as he speaks, all but able to see the cogs ticking in his head, the mind that whirs behind them, churning up anxiety and paranoia. ”What if the ceiling caves in on us right now?” she asks. ”What if a tsunami is on its way and we don’t know? What if a dragon attacks the Aumakua? Or one of them goes out for a swim and doesn’t realise there’s a riptide? Sunjata, look at me,” she invites softly, holding his hand between both of hers. ”Just because something is preventable, it doesn’t mean you can or should control it.” Vai speaks slowly, knowing from experience that the words might not sink in. Not until he’s ready to hear them. ”It’s not your job to be a guardian angel, ready for every single what-if. That does Nate and Hotaru a disservice to their own abilities, don’t you think? And we both know it doesn’t stop you going out and chasing storms, either.” A small smirk. ”I know you’ve lost a lot more than anyone should, at your age. But losing sleep over it will just stop you from being ready, if something were to happen.” vervain I am always on your side

now take what i offer, straight up the nose, down the throat

it's a bearable bruise on your conscious

It’s a heavy weight, one he’s placed on his shoulders out of fear and the inability to help, the way he feels like he needs to atone for the sins he’d committed against those other boys in his Trial. He nearly flinches as she mentions a dragon, but when she tells him to look at her, he does. His gaze is tired, still slightly unfocused, but lined with exhaustion all the same.

And she makes so many valuable points, it makes him miss his mother — wondering if perhaps fate had brought them together so she might be a voice of reason for him when he can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. “You’re right.” He says perhaps a bit wearily.

But then the bigger question begins to catch his attention. How does he stop, how does he not feel the regret within him of not being more? “What do I do?” When would he be able to tell himself it’s life and not learn to regret not being the one that takes the fall? When does he learn that type of trust that it wouldn’t backfire in his face as his father had time and time again, gaslighting him into thinking that everything that happened was a product of him and the decisions he made?

but don't it feel good? don't you feel calmer?

i am the way and the life in the best looking truth

Vai scrunches her nose as he says she’s right, offering him a mischievous sort of smile. ”I take no pleasure in it, if it makes you feel any better,” she informs him, letting out a long sigh, leaning in to kiss the back of his palm. What does he do, though? Vai’s smile fades to something soft and almost mysterious. ”I’m not sure if you’re ready to hear it, Sunny,” she tells him honestly, chewing at the inside of her lip. When she does speak again, her voice is low, and she holds his hand with fingers somehow cool and warm at the same time. ”You have to love yourself,” Vai says. ”Selfishly, and above anyone else. Above Nate, above Luci, above everyone you’ve lost. You are the one who needs you most - not them. Once you’ve got that, you’ll be standing on solid ground forever.” vervain I am always on your side

now take what i offer, straight up the nose, down the throat

it's a bearable bruise on your conscious

It does make him feel better, marginally. She kisses the back of his palm and he squeezes her hand lightly with his own, exhaling a long quiet sigh out of his nose when he questions what he needs to do. And really? He thinks she’s joking at first, of how he isn’t ready to hear it. He wants to make changes, wants to be better, is willing to do it if it means that everyone he’s around’s quality of life gets better.

But once again, she’s right. He scans her face, searching for the lie, a muscle feathering in his jaw as he realizes just how unattainable a task it was. The amount of times Sunjata’s driven to the edge and almost taken that leap already shows him that it’s something he can’t do. He doesn’t even know what it’s like. Would they blame him if he held himself to a higher standard?

Would they consider him selfish for not sticking his neck out for any and everyone anymore?

He exhales a shuddering breath, chewing on the inside of his cheek, a sad smile crossing his face as he feels the familiar pinprick of tears burn the back of his eyes. “I can’t do that, Vai.” He wants to try, wants to be better, but the task itself seems huge and insurmountable, an impossible feat that’s too far out of reach.

but don't it feel good? don't you feel calmer?

i am the way and the life in the best looking truth

The silence that stretches between them tells her everything even before he does, Vai nodding as he speaks. ”I know,” she says softly, rising to her feet to wrap him in a hug from her place standing before him at the side of the bed. ”Don’t write yourself off, though. You might not be ready yet, and that’s okay.” A hand strokes through his hair, the witch letting out a heavy sigh. ”But you’re already better than you were. You’re getting married, making good decisions for yourself. Picking a life you can live with. It’s a start.” And he might surprise himself, as time goes on, at how much putting himself first can be a benefit. ”Until you’re there, though, the door’s always open. Just... maybe try something else next time? Fall off a cliff, get mauled by a cow. None of this lightning bullshit, okay?” vervain I am always on your side

now take what i offer, straight up the nose, down the throat

it's a bearable bruise on your conscious

There was always something about Vai that got him to speak, that got him to open up and break apart. He likes to think that it’s the way she knows exactly what to say that makes it this way, if only so he doesn’t have to think about the possibility of losing her just as he’d lost his own mother. She tells him it’s okay to not be ready — his mother had said the same the day before his trial.

It’s enough that when she hugs him, he buries his face into her arms, his own wrapping around her tight as well, keeping it together the best he can. And he has made those boundaries, known what he was capable of, knows now to make promises he can keep if only to make it easier for everyone else. He has made progress even if he doesn’t think he has. And that’s enough, really, to try and alleviate the fear and darkness spiraling in his heart.

He’s thankful for her little quips, something to take away the sorrow building within him, a quiet huff of a laugh leaving him as he sniffles a small amount. “Hard to fall off a cliff when you’ve got two pairs of wings to catch you.” A bat and a bird, more than enough right? But he pulls away from the hug a bit, shifting awkwardly on the bed, peering up at her with that same sad smile. “No more lightning.” At least, hitting him, he hopes. The electric dagger Safrin had made flickers in the back of his mind briefly before it’s gone again. “Not sure what I’d do without you knocking some sense into me though.” And sending healing through him too.

but don't it feel good? don't you feel calmer?

i am the way and the life in the best looking truth

”You say that, but if anyone could manage it, I bet it’s you,” Vai says to him with a warm laugh, the image of Jata somehow failing to catch himself on two sets of wings as amusing as it is worrying. She gives his shoulders a gentle squeeze as he pulls back, tipping him a wink. ”You’re a survivor,” she tells him. ”I’m sure you’d have found a way to knock some sense into yourself. But since I am here, do you want some more of that sleeping draught I gave you when you got burned? Some solid rest will help.” She steps away at last, giving the room a once over - it wouldn’t take much cleaning up for it to be ready for another patient. ”Also, I’m here if you just need someone to talk to. Not to give you advice. Just an ear to listen.” vervain I am always on your side

now take what i offer, straight up the nose, down the throat

it's a bearable bruise on your conscious

He does manage a small smile when she tells him that he could manage it. He probably could – some outside force breaking a wing or an arm, catapulting him down and down and down. He shakes his head to get rid of the thought, looking up at her ass she squeezes his shoulder and he pulls away. He reaches up when she goes to walk away to wipe at his eyes, to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“Sure.” He agrees, gathering himself enough to go to stand, to sniffle back any signs that she’d nearly broken him with the things that Sunjata knows deep down but refuses to see, refuses to acknowledge. And then he’s standing, fixing his shirt, going to grab the jacket he’d slung on before and slips it over his shoulders. “Adding on therapist to your job title?” He asks, flashing her a softer smile, throat a bit tight still. “I appreciate it Vai. I’m not… Good at talking to people.” He admits a bit quietly. “People have a tendency of using it against me.”

He steps a bit closer to her then, fishing something out of his pocket to hand to her. A silver bracelet of sorts that he’d grabbed while he perused Haulani. Handing it out to her, she’ll see it glints with small runes he doesn’t exactly know what they mean, but had been told it was for luck. It seemed like her sort of thing. “Here’s this, by the way. A gift for saving my heart.”

but don't it feel good? don't you feel calmer?

i am the way and the life in the best looking truth

She gives him a moment to gather himself, knowing better than to coddle or push too far - someone like Sunjata is more like to break than to bend, and so baby steps it is. She prepares more of the sleeping powder, putting it in a small paper bag to hand to him once he’s gotten his jacket back on. ”Not therapist, exactly. Just someone who cares about you.” Vai winks at him, reaching up to absently fix his collar, smooth down his lapel. ”Rest assured I won’t use anything you tell me against you. I promise.” Tilting her head as he produces the silver bracelet from his pocket, Vai is clearly charmed by it, blue eyes warm with delight. ”That’s very sweet. It’s beautiful,” she murmurs, accepting the trinket to slip it onto her wrist, thumb running over the runes (she’ll undoubtedly peruse their meaning later). ”It was my pleasure. Someone has to keep it in ship shape for you to gift to Nate and Hotaru, hm?” Leading them back out into the waiting area, Vai gives him a final once over and nods, happy for now. ”You look after yourself, okay? Or try, at least.” vervain I am always on your side

now take what i offer, straight up the nose, down the throat

it's a bearable bruise on your conscious

She mothers him in a way that he hasn’t had in nearly a decade – enough so that it pains him a small amount, the idea of replacing his own with Vervain. But she’s taking her place in there, filling up that hole that he didn’t know he needed, that he wanted. There’s a softer, more thankful smile that crosses his face when she tells him she won’t use it against him – inclined to believe her unlike how he’d been wary to believe everyone else that had said the same thing. He trusts her, far more than he ever anticipated.

It’s that, that also has him gifting her the bracelet. For saving his life in more ways than one. There’s a gleam of happiness that flickers through steel eyes when his gaze meets hers again after she’s slipped the bracelet on, shifting a bit on his feet to huff a quiet laugh as he pockets the medicine she’s giving him. “They’ll certainly appreciate it, I’m sure.” He murmurs quietly. But he follows her out to the waiting area, turning to glance to her one last time. “I’ll do my best.” He flashes her a wink, collecting the rest of himself and slipping out the door to head toward home.

- FIN <3

but don't it feel good? don't you feel calmer?

i am the way and the life in the best looking truth