From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
why do things happen with no reason or rhyme? why does it feel like we're running out of time?
He had a new appreciation for why, during Deepfrost, Korbin had hit the drink so hard. It was… tempting. To lose oneself in the bottle, to let it burn down the back of his throat, to try and numb the numbness that was consuming him.
But while it was tempting, he resisted the urge, sticking to the softer stuff, to cider and water. Food was… something of an afterthought to him these days. He ate enough to get by, but there was a certain pallor to him, a gauntness caused by sleepless nights and… everything else.
His mind whirled with thoughts, but nothing ever seemed to reach a conclusion. He was adrift in a sea of uncertainty - he had a plan to follow before, a life to build, to live. And now? Without Kia? Without his anchor, his lifeline, his support?
He sighed, leaning over the bar. He saw her everywhere - they had dined together over in the corner table. They had wept together at the bar after Weaver had died. They had laughed together on a night where drinking and frivolity had been had to lighten up spirits in the midst of Deepfrost.
The memories burned against the membrane of his mind, scorching a torturous path against his nerves, to the point where he overcompensated in his self-preservation behaviour of trying not to feel at all, only instead of putting on a happy front, he wore no emotion at all.
how do we keep going, through the dark? why are we here at all, lost in the dark?
08-21-2020, 03:21 AM (This post was last modified: 08-21-2020, 03:23 AM by Loren.)
LOREN
Since returning from his latest retreat from the world and his problems in it, Loren had been spending more time at the Kraai than he probably should. Still, given that Neron owned the place, the younger twin figured he could come and go pretty much as he pleased. Having used the washroom there once again, he ducked out into the bar proper. Now that he was cleaned up, his burn scars on his face and hards stood out starkly.
Once there, the noise from those wining and dining (well, quaffing and scarfing really) hit him. That made a quiet pocket of silence all the more apparent. Spotting Chuy, who Loren hadn't spent much time with after introducing the man to Caido, the Firebrand's heart ached in sympathy. The expression on the other man's face, the blankness of losing someone, was all too familiar to Loren.
So he grabbed a bowl of hearty stew and some bread from the back. Placing both in front of the Chief of Agriculture, Loren slid into a chair next to the other man. For a long moment, the Firebrand was silent.
When he finally did speak, it was in a quiet tone, barely audible. "Do you want to talk about it?" Astra, who was never far from Loren's side, came winding through the crowd. She placed her head in Chuy's lap, staring up at the other man with wide and worried eyes.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
why do things happen with no reason or rhyme? why does it feel like we're running out of time?
He stared at the food that appeared before him much like he stared at everything in recent days: with a bland vacancy. He barely twitched as it slid into view before him, the alluring scents doing nothing to stir his appetite.
He glanced up at the one who had delivered the food, and winces - at least it's a change to the otherwise dreary expression he's wearing. Loren, who'd greeted him upon his entrance to the land. He'd been there that night they all celebrated in the middle of Longnight too, flirting and laughing with Weaver. Chuy had meant to find him after the disaster had struck, to try and help, but the healer was out of his reach, their relationship never quite moving from acquaintances to friends…
But Loren had been there, at the end. He had known Kia, had been witness to her final moments. In truth, Chuy wanted nothing more than to talk about it, to learn every single insignificant detail, that he might know exactly what happened - that he might stop blaming himself for being too weak to go with her, to be the one who fell instead of the one left behind, with a loss heavier than anything he'd had to bear before.
Automatically his hand moved to rest gently on the little luxere's head, his movements slow, as if controlled remotely, by a being who wasn't him. On second glance to Loren, he took in more of the man; the scars, the blemishes that would serve as a reminder of what he went through. "I hear they're calling you Firebrand now." He commented softly, in a voice that sounded foreign to his own ears. It was as much an invitation as he could muster, as he took another swig of his cider, not quite ready to face up to the more solid foodstuff before him yet.
how do we keep going, through the dark? why are we here at all, lost in the dark?
Chulane still seemed distant, but at least it was clear he was paying attention to Loren. Not minding the vet's wince, the healer flagged down one of the servers and requested a cider. One was delivered, but he didn't drink. Instead, he just spun the mug around in his fingers.
Nodding at the other man's question that wasn't a question, the Firebrand sighed. "They do." Astra let out a contented bleat, closing her eyes as Chulane's fingers stroked her fur. The healer smiled at the sight before returning his gaze to the vet's face.
The Firebrand used his free hand to push the spoon he'd brought closer to the other man. "I didn't ask for it. But sometimes life gives you things you don't ask for and certainly don't deserve." Speaking in a quiet tone, Loren's features were momentarily etched with a deep-seated and bone-deep grief.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
why do things happen with no reason or rhyme? why does it feel like we're running out of time?
He was so consumed with his own experience, his own grief, he'd hardly had room to consider what others were going through. Grief did awful things to a person, and as the vet watched the other man's expression, he sensed the bone-tired weariness that plagued him, the effects that the world and its torturous devices had on him. And he hated himself for initially wanting to turn away, for wanting to shut it out, to deny it, to not care…
But then he took a deep, albeit shaky breath, and he kept pushing his fingers through the fur on Astra's head, watching as the other man nudged the spoon closer to him. Life went on, as cruel as it was, it kept going whether you went with it or not. "Tell me about it..?" The words came in a low whisper, a first, true question; not a sarcastic rebuttal but a true offer to the man.
As if obeying a silent deal between them, Chuy reached properly for the spoon that was not-so-subtly being nudged towards him, sighing a breath before dipping it into the stew almost experimentally. He'd eat, if Loren talked.
how do we keep going, through the dark? why are we here at all, lost in the dark?
As Chulane asked for the details, Loren hesitated, shifting awkwardly in his seat. However, as the vet took the spoon, the healer nodded slowly. Waiting for just a moment more, he watched as the other man began eating, or at least prepared to do so.
Only then did the Firebrand speak. "I came upon Kiada with Wessex and Hotaru out on the Sea of Glass. Wessex told me the group was going to see what was beyond Halo and maybe rescue another seasonal spirit, Eirachi's brother." Pausing, he glanced down, watching his fingers twitch as nerves stole upon them. "I decided to tag along."
Taking a deep breath, he lifted his gaze to Chulane again. "We navigated a series of tunnel systems. Eventually, we managed to find our way somewhere as hot as Halo is cold. A land of lava, and fire, and heat." The movements of his hands grew slightly more agitated, and he closed his eyes brief, seeking the calm of meditation before he continued.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
why do things happen with no reason or rhyme? why does it feel like we're running out of time?
It was a chance meeting, almost an accident, that Loren went along. Chulane could hardly believe it, as his mind churned through the information the healer offered. And, true to the silent deal, he also took a spoonful of food to his mouth, swallowing while barely tasting the stew. Idly, he picked at the bread, dipping a piece into the bowl, chewing slowly.
He paused when Loren looked back up at him, patient, but also hanging on the man's every word. Was it selfishness, that made him want to shake, to shout, to prod and poke until he had the whole story? Every gritty detail, every inane fact that Loren might feel was insignificant - Chulane wanted to know it all, to hear it all.
But could he do it even if it ruined Loren?
"Take all the time you need." He said quietly, barely above a whisper, as he took another sedate bite of the bread. He wouldn't push, even if he was morbidly desperate to know. "If you don't want to - if you can't - I understand." He added. It was a sort of free pass, a permission given that though Loren was the one to propose 'talking about it', Chulane understood if it was too much, too hard, too soon, too anything to bear at this moment.
how do we keep going, through the dark? why are we here at all, lost in the dark?
As Chulane ate, Loren watched carefully. Eventually, though, he was satisfied that the vet would keep to their unspoken deal. When the head of agriculture spoke, though, the healer immediately shook his head. "It's not that." Hesitating for just a moment, he stared down at his hands. "I just don't want to add to your pain." The words came out as softly as the other man's hand.
Taking a deep breath, the Firebrand continued. This time, his voice was stronger and more sure. "We navigated the lava fields. Strangely enough, Amalia Chandrakant appeared unexpectedly, something to do with Vi I believe." He glanced up, wondering what Chulane knew of the god of life.
"Something was protecting us from the lava, I'm not sure what. From everything that might hurt us. At first, at least." At that, Loren bit his lip. "We came upon a being that was wreathed in fire, in pain, bound somehow. Eirachi's brother. At first, we thought we needed to defeat him and so we attacked."
Shaking his head at their folly he sighed. "Kiada shifted into the form of a vulture, took flight, and compelled some other birds to investigate the being while the rest of us went on the offensive. She told us there was something inside the spirit, trapping him. So once we calmed him down, I went to pull it out." Pausing he held up his scarred hands and gestured at the scars on his face, remnants of that decision. "At that point, Amalia and Wessex used some water magic they borrowed from me to protect us from the lava and Kiada took to the skies again."
With that, he lowered his hands. "That was when our luck ran out. I was burned, horribly, but I managed to get a grip on the object. My back was to the group and I was busy, but...Kiada was struck by some lava that managed to reach her from the ground."
He bowed his head again. Staring into his lap he finished, in a quiet and broken tone. "I managed to pull the object out. But...Kiada's wing was damaged and she started to plumment. And the others, they...they couldn't reach her." He shook his head, the movement miniscule. "So she fell down. Straight into the lava."
Closing his eyes, he just breathed for a moment. Only then did he lift his head to meet Chulane's gaze once more. "There was no pain." Because she'd died instantly, but he knew better than to say that.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
why do things happen with no reason or rhyme? why does it feel like we're running out of time?
Still so new to this world, Chulane couldn't quite imagine just what they'd been through. Being new to loss, to grief… the trauma of it all, even though he hadn't been directly involved, was enough to shake him to his core. And so when Loren mentioned that he didn't want to had to his pain, he couldn't help but question it. His pain? Of all the things the healer was worried about, it wasn't his own sense of self preservation, but Chulane's. The vet did nothing but continue to eat, barely tasting the food that touched his tongue as he forcibly swallowed the stew and bread with minimal chewing.
He nodded at the appropriate points, whenever Loren looked to him, giving silent encouragement to continue speaking, even if tears rimmed his eyelids, even if his eyes took on a sheen, a gleam, brighter than usual from the emotion that swelled within him. Deimos had told him the story, but he had received it from Amalia - this was first hand recollection, and Chulane appreciate the depth of detail that Loren went into, sparing nothing.
The room around them was a blur, as he hyperfocused on the here and now, clinging to every word, letting each one paint an image of the setting, of each participant, of each action and reaction.
He'd stopped eating when Kiada's name was mentioned more and more, unable to swallow through the lump in his throat, the sob that wanted to escape, that he wouldn't allow out just yet. And even though Loren's gaze was downcast, not meeting his own,he waited and waited, patiently hearing every word as the other man was ready to deliver it, idly resting one hand on Astra's head, the other clutching to his empty spoon.
And when Loren said the words, he heard them echo over what Deimos had also said. She fell, to the lava, to be swallowed up in an instant. As the healer met his gaze once more, he did not shy away from it, but his eyes were brimming, his hands shaking. He released the spoon, and reached for Loren, to clutch his forearm, his hand, whatever he could reach. "Th-thank you." He managed, wanting to show strength in gratitude for what the other man endured in retelling his story, but he could not deny the waves of emotion that were rocking him, as tears stained his cheeks.
"I… you- I'm glad she was surrounded by people she knew, at least." Was he glad, in any sense of the word, truly? Not really, but it was all he think to say, in this moment of grief and retelling.
how do we keep going, through the dark? why are we here at all, lost in the dark?
Loren's own eyes began to glitter as his tale went on. However, no tears fell onto his cheeks. Reaching out, he grasped Chulane's hand. The healer squeezed the vet's fingers. Then the Firebrand simply held on to the other man's hand. "Of course."
As Chulane's fingers rubbed her fur, Astra bleated softly. She lifted her head and tried to climb into the other man's lap. Loren's eyes flicked to his companion for a moment before returning to study the vet's features. "She fought to try and get back to you." The words were soft.
The healer's free hand dipped into a pocket and pulled out a cloth. Placing it on the table next to the spoon he glanced around at the crowded tavern. "We can go somewhere more private. Or stay here. Whatever you need."
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
why do things happen with no reason or rhyme? why does it feel like we're running out of time?
He leaned back, giving space for the luxere to climb onto his lap. It was comforting, but it also felt far away, like Astra was sitting on a different version of himself, as he heard Loren's next words. She fought to try and get back, and he sobbed, clutching at the hold he had on Loren's hand, bowing his head slightly - tears might drip onto Astra, but he was mentally too far away to be overly concerned.
A humourless huff left his lips as the healer offered to relocated to someplace else. But everyplace was all the same to Chulane - for so long he had defined home as being with her, as it not being important that he had nowhere physical he felt truly settled in, as long as he had her. But he didn't have her anymore --(even though she tried, she fought and she tried and she failed)-- and he felt so lost, so adrift - even with a little luxere anchoring him to his chair via weighing down his lap.
"I don't know what I need anymore." He spoke quietly, despite the tears that rolled down his cheekbones. Reaching for the cloth the healer left out, he used it to dab his face dry again, taking a deep, steadying breath as he did so. "I… yeah." He glanced aimlessly around the room, more to see how crowded the place was still. The Kraai was busy, but it was also after dinner, moving onto evening drinks time.
He swallowed, and with it, he swallowed down the lump of emotion, he contained himself, his emotions that had spiralled, reining in his thoughts and resembling something like the vacant husk of a man he'd been before Loren had decided to sit beside him. He was more stable, at least, even if he knew it was a façade, a temporary mask. "Did you want to come back to mine?"
how do we keep going, through the dark? why are we here at all, lost in the dark?
When Chulane shifted, Astra immediately sprang into his lap. She pressed herself as close to him as she could manage. As she did, she bleated softly.
Loren watched his companion and the vet for a moment. However, when the other man spoke, the healer nodded, his lips twisting into a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "No one expects you to. These things, they..." He shook his head and squeezed Chulane's hand again. "In a lot of ways you never recover from them."
Then he took a deep breath. "But you get used to the pain, as horrible as that sounds. It becomes sort of familiar, easier to bear." His eyes slipped past the vet's shoulder as Loren's gaze grew distant for a moment.
When the other man suggested they return to his place, though, the healer focused on Chulane again. "If you want." Loren gestured for the vet to take the lead. Astra hopped out of the other man's lap, but she pressed herself against his leg again.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
why do things happen with no reason or rhyme? why does it feel like we're running out of time?
He took a moment to re-centre himself, similar to the moment Loren had taken in meditation before. He nodded silently to Loren's words, having heard them himself - never spoken to him, but rather he speaking them to others, counselling others who had lost, to were grieving. The vet knew, he knew and yet he could not feel it yet, could not carry this burden with ease yet. The tears would spring up regularly for a while yet, but he would compartmentalise, he would get better at only letting himself feel when the timing was appropriate - he would continue to function as a useful member of Halo, even if none of it felt real anymore.
Rising from his seat, he automatically went to his pocket to then offer a treat to Astra - the motion so familiar he could barely stop it. Before he took the lead, he bent low to offer the luxere some crumbly pieces of the treats he made, even letting a ghost of a smile bend his lips slightly at the familiar gesture.
Then, they were on their way - his current house, granted to him by his place on the council, was still not overly grand, but not as cosy as the cottage he had been in during Deepfrost either. In his current state, he thought it too big - without Kia, there was hardly enough life to make it feel homely, or complete. He sighed, his breath misting in the frigid Halovian air before him as they walked. Looking to Loren, he considered all that the other man had been through - like so many here in Caido, he had weathered so much loss, so much grief, even as recent as the Deepfrost just passed. "Have you seen Korbin much lately?"
Perhaps it was a strange question, but while the boy and Chulane weren't 'friends', Chuy still cared for him, and thought perhaps Loren might know of the raven's whereabouts since the portal opened with the turning of the season.
how do we keep going, through the dark? why are we here at all, lost in the dark?
Astra licked the crumbs that Chulane offered. Then she licked his palm and fingers for a moment. With that, she plastered herself to his side, following him closely as he led her and Loren to the vet's home.
Pausing at the question from the vet, the healer shook his head. "No, I haven't. But I...kept to myself for much of last season and this one." Sighing, he closed his eyes for a moment and ran a hand through his hair.
"Have you?" Biting his lip, he looked down, studying the snowy ground they walked over. Looking between the Head of Agriculture and the Firebrand, the luxere bleated the sound low and worried.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
