something to numb the numbness

CHULANE

why do things happen with no reason or rhyme?
why does it feel like we're running out of time?

The walk wasn't a long one, though his residence was further away from the Kraai than the cottage that he had temporarily secured during Deepfrost. The tensions between he and Korbin had grown to such a boiling point that he hadn't intended on visiting the Kraai much at all once the portals opened up again.

And he hadn't, for most of Flowerbirth. Then, everything had changed again, and he didn't know where else to go.

A small frown (the frequency of which was starting to carve deeper lines between his brows) creased his expression at Loren's reply. Not at how the healer had taken time for himself - Chulane could hardly blame him for that. But that none at all had seemed to have seen Korbin recently was… concerning.

"No," he said slowly, sighing softly as they approached the steps to his humble abode. "We had a rather spectacular difference of opinion during LongNight, and when the season shifted I admit I avoided him." But the ravenboy had been scarce for more than a season now, with nary a word left of his whereabouts… Even if Chulane didn't particularly like him, he still cared.

"I hope he's alright. Might be worth asking around more, though." Opening the front door, he stepped inside, immediately walking to kneel beside the pile of blankets before the fireplace, where a little luxere slept. "Did you ever get to meet Auni..?" before everything changed?

how do we keep going, through the dark?
why are we here at all, lost in the dark?

LOREN

Sighing, Loren rubbed his face. "Yeah, I'll look around for him." Hesitating, he looked at Chulane and then down at the ground. Speaking in a whisper, the healer added, "But if he doesn't want to be found, we might just need to accept and respect that." He smiled, but it didn't move past his lips and it faded swiftly.

Pausing in the threshold, he nodded at the vet's question. The Firebrand's eyes widened as he saw the other luxere. Astra had no such hesitation: she bleated and immediately trotted over to Auni, settling in at her friend's side and pressing against it.

Loren approached as well, crouching down beside the two. Reaching out a hand, he softly stroked Auni's fur. Twisting, the healer sought out Chulane's gaze. "Is he..." Swallowing hard, Loren turned to stare at the luxeres. "How is he?"

look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness

CHULANE

why do things happen with no reason or rhyme?
why does it feel like we're running out of time?

Chuy nodded absently to Loren's words, knowing them to be true. He just… wanted to know if the ravenboy was alright, even if Korbin wanted little and less to do with him. Chulane would never wish harm upon the boy, even if the boy claimed to wish it upon all of them - he flinched inwardly at the memory of their many discussions, their harsh exchange of words, the feeling of utter desolation and rejection Chuy received from him at every turn. He'd only ever wanted to be a friend - but you couldn't be a friend without the other party wanting it too.

His expression softened immensely when Astra came barging in, pushing in close to Auni. "By some miracle, Deimos and I found him alive. We revived him, and not long after, I could feel him - we bonded." As he spoke, what could only be described as a smile that remembered better times curled his lips, his head pressing gently against the luxere's as he stirred from his sleep and bleated a soft greeting to those gathered around him.

"He's determined to live, but is still recovering from.." He let the words fade, let those left unsaid fill in the blanks. From having his soul torn in two, was the most appropriate descriptor, he thought, but it was still too foreign a concept for him to voice out loud. Auni, pleased to be the centre of attention, nosed at Astra curiously, and leaned into the scritches Loren offered with a low note of approval.

how do we keep going, through the dark?
why are we here at all, lost in the dark?

LOREN

As Chulane explained Loren shifted into a cross-legged seat. Turning his head so he could listen, he nodded. "Good. I'm glad the two of you found each other." One hand still on Auni, the healer placed the other on Astra, who wriggled and bleated before settling down. "Sometimes I think we don't deserve them." He spoke under his breath.

Giving Auni the attention and affection he so obviously craved, the Firebrand's eyes tightened. "They're resilient." Pausing, he added, "Most things are, given time."

Standing up, he brushed his hands against his thighs. "Can I make you some tea or something?" While he waited for the vet to respond Loren made his way to the fire. Kneeling, he poked the embers and added kindling and then logs, building it back up to a merry blaze.

look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness

CHULANE

why do things happen with no reason or rhyme?
why does it feel like we're running out of time?

And he heard the word again - time How many times would he hear it, he wondered, before he actually felt it? How many times had he said as much to others going through loss and grief? Once again, he reflected on how Korbin must have felt, having everyone tell him that it would all be OK, in time, how frustrating it was when you just wanted all the grief and suffering to be said and done and over.

But grief didn't work that way. And on some distant level, in some way, he agreed with the healer, even if on whatever level he was currently on, he didn't. Maybe I didn't deserve her, the thought cascaded through his mind, not for the first time. Maybe I don't deserve Auni, either, sadness coiled through him, but it met resistance when it crashed against the newfound bond that was irrevocably linked to his soul.

Auni looked to him with deep, dark eyes, nosing worriedly against his hand. He relented, giving him more pats, letting go of the doubts. He had to be here, to be present, for Auni, so that they could be present for each other, going forward.

"Oh, sorry," he was pulled from his reverie as Loren rose, shaking his head at his own incompetence as a host. "I'm a terrible host. I'm not fussed - what did you feel like?" Appetite and desire to eat had mostly fled him, as he reflected back on how the healer had found him just before, at the pub, and at the conversation that had brought them here. It felt like forever ago already, even if it had all happened within the last hour. He eased himself back onto the couch, groaning softly with the effort, resigned to being a relatively useless lump for the rest of the evening.

how do we keep going, through the dark?
why are we here at all, lost in the dark?

LOREN

Not privy to the thoughts swirling in Chulane's mind (though they wouldn't be hard to guess), Loren just smiled and shook his head at the vet's words. "Don't worry about it. I basically invited myself over and no one is expecting you to be a gracious host at the moment."

Standing up from the fire, the healer meandered over to the kitchen. He called over his shoulder as he did. "Tea is fine. Don't worry, I'll make it."

Puttering about, he waved a hand over the kettle and employed a touch of his water magic. It immediately started whistling. Reaching into his belt pouch he pulled out a packet of leaves and dumped them into the filter of the teapot. Pouring the water over it, he left it to steep.

As it did, he opened cabinets, eventually pulling out two mugs, a tray, some cream, and some sugar. He also found an apple, which he cut into two. Once the tea was ready, he put everything on the tray and brought it back out to the other man. "Chamomile. Hope that's alright." He set one of the mugs in front of the other man.

Then Loren took the apple halves. Placing one in front of both of the luxere he smiled at them. Astra nosed Auni's closer then gobbled up her own. The healer let out a huff of laughter before going to sit on a chair near the couch. Perching on the edge of it he wrapped his fingers around his own mug.

look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness

CHULANE

why do things happen with no reason or rhyme?
why does it feel like we're running out of time?

It came and went in waves; the different emotions, the grief, the guilt, the fatigue. Auni was an anchor for Chuy, still healing from his own wounds, the injuries far deeper and more complicated than the vet could fathom, at least not without experiencing it himself (and he hoped never to). His mind whirled, influenced by the little luxere, ranging from dull numbness to a vague sense of barely-there-ness, fading  in and out. He was so tired - and yet, had no desire to sleep, no desire to do anything except keep trying to exist in a world without her.

So he barely heard Loren's words, merely grunting a soft note in acknowledgement of them. Even the casual magic the healer performed on the kettle could not stir him, as his mind jumped from thing to thing seemingly at random - sometimes he could see her falling, falling, falling, outside of everyone's reach, other times his mind was just blank, empty, a null void that he only ever came out of when Auni nudged him or bleated.

He accepted the tea with an unreadable, albeit tired, expression. Auni happily munched into the apple offered, before rising from the bed to move and lean against his new bonded's calf - absently, Chuy let a hand drop to rest on the luxere's back in appreciation. He sighed, before taking a sip, belatedly recognising what Loren had made. He wasn't a huge tea person, but it was better than alcohol in his mind, and he kept sipping at it. With what felt like great effort, he brought himself back to this moment - despite being told it was alright to be this way, he still felt horrible for being so dull to his… whatever Loren was to him. Acquaintance? Friend?

"So where do you go from here?" he decided to ask, after an indefinable amount of time spent sipping at their tea in quiet, looking to the healer with some semblance of curiosity. "What's your next step?" Perhaps he was asking himself these questions too, or trying to see if Loren's answers could help shape his own… But who knows, really?

how do we keep going, through the dark?
why are we here at all, lost in the dark?

LOREN

Loren actually let out a little laugh at Chulane's question. "Me?" Taking a sip of the tea, the healer shrugged. "Don't worry about me. I'm good at taking care of myself." The corner of his lip twitched up, though his eyes were downcast.

Giving him a look, Astra trotted over to the couch. She hopped up on it and rested her head on the vet's lap, draping one leg over Auni as well. The Firebrand watched the movement and gave a real smile at the end of it.

"Morgan was gracious enough to allow me to continue to serve as Grand Healer despite my um, sabbatical. And I'd like to rebuild the school and actually start it." He cleared his throat. "You're still welcome to teach and learn, of course. Whenever you're ready." Tapping a finger against the side of his mug he found himself looking anywhere but the other man.

Sighing, Loren ran his free hand through his hair. "Other than that, Neron offered me a part time job at the Kraai. Oh and I should probably figure out what Frey told me about the object I removed from Tanau." Grimacing, he stared at his shoes. "Sorry. I didn't...sorry." Biting his lip, he risked a glance at Chulane.

look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness

CHULANE

why do things happen with no reason or rhyme?
why does it feel like we're running out of time?

"I'll be there," he confirmed to the healer, even if he didn't quite feel it. He knew that once the grief settled, once he felt more normal, he would find his interest in healing, in contributing to the community again. He'd work on building the farm still - he'd investigate Whitebrim, and he'd begin his plan to rehabilitate those threatened with exile for their actions. He had so much to do, so much to keep himself busy with… and yet it all felt for naught in his current numbed state, even if an entire region would benefit from it.

As Loren kept talking, Chulane found himself distracted, pulled away from his dreary introspection - so when the healer apologised, he let a frown tug at his expression, and shook his head. "Don't… it's okay," he said, shrugging. "I mean… nothing is okay, nothing will ever be the same," he sighed, running a hand through his hair, unintentionally mimicking what the healer had just done. "'Normal' conversation is okay," he wanted to clarify, even though nothing about what Loren had begun talking about was normal to Chuy.

Besides, talk of gods would almost always work to pique his interest.

"What did Frey say?" he gently probed, sipping again at his tea, doing whatever he could to focus on this moment - he was the one who'd asked Loren for his next steps, the least he could do was engage when he got answers (even if he couldn't provide much aside from exhausted moral support).

how do we keep going, through the dark?
why are we here at all, lost in the dark?

LOREN

Nodding, Loren flashed a smile at Chulane. "Good. I'm going to need all the help I can get." The healer found himself running his hand through his hair again, leaving it sticking up in places.

Biting his lip, he rubbed the palm of his free hand on his thigh. "If you're...if you say so." Taking a sip of his tea, he stared into the cup for a long moment. "And...I know it feels like that now, but you'll...there will be a new normal. It might be shitty but..." his voice trailed off and he sighed.

Shrugging, he lifted his gaze again. " I don't know. They said the thing I took from Tanau was inside me, or part of it was, and that I'd be changing. But they wouldn't tell me into what." He frowned.

look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness

CHULANE

why do things happen with no reason or rhyme?
why does it feel like we're running out of time?

A new normal, another thing he'd always said to people who'd lost, another thing that grated at him. A world without her, a normal without her, a life without her - that's all it meant. And he hated it, he wanted to change it, to deny it traction, to hold onto what he had before--

But what he had before was already long gone, he was just yet to accept it.

He shrugged, a small motion of his shoulders, neither openly accepting nor denying Loren's words on that.

"Changing?" He echoed softly, hmming to himself, as he gave Loren's words as much consideration as his tired mind could. He couldn't even pretend to be an expert on the gods and what they meant, having only ever spoken to a handful of individuals who'd had anything directly to do with them in his travels about Caido so far.

He looked over the healer, over the burns that this Tanau had left, that his actions had caused. Firebrand is right, he thought idly. "Like all things… Time will tell, I suppose." He gave a poor attempt at comfort, an echo of the very words he'd heard from so many people recently - hating that it was true.

how do we keep going, through the dark?
why are we here at all, lost in the dark?

LOREN

Sighing, Loren shrugged. Rubbing his face with a tired hand, he bit his lip. "Yeah. Changing." He shook his head. "Unfortunately, they didn't tell me into what."

Taking a sip of the tea, he let out a huff of laughter, though there was no mirth in his eyes. "Time will tell indeed. I'll deal with it when it comes. No point in worrying about something before it happens." His lips twitched in a dark cousin of amusement.

Cooling off the liquid in his cup with a small twitch of his magic, he finished the drink. Picking it up, he washed it and dried it in the sink. Astra nuzzled against Chulane one last time before hopping off the couch and trotting over to the healer's side.

He stroked his head. "I've already imposed on you too much. But if you need anything at all, please reach out. Alright?" Taking a moment, he studied the vet's features.

Then the Firebrand walked over. Clasping the other man's shoulder for a moment, Loren hesitated there, mouth opening. With a frown he closed it. Turning, he walked out of Chulane's home, leaving the man to his grief.

Like all things, time would tell whether he came out of it or not.

-FIN

look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness