sing to me, i am not doing well

KIADA

burn it into my collar, hollowed onto your wrist

Perhaps Chulane’s mind is at work when he goes to lay his head tonight. Perhaps he’s running through the scenario again and again. Falling, falling, falling –

When he ‘wakes’ it will be in the very same place they’d last been together. The Grounds, her home, Auni on the floor in his favorite bed, blankets haphazardly thrown about. Light flickers in through the window and there’s an empty space beside him where she should be. It should be normal at this point, a heartbreaking reminder.

Only this time, there’s the distinct smell of coffee that wafts in, Kiada stepping through the door to the bedroom with two cups of coffee, sitting on the edge of the bed after setting both cups of coffee on the nightstand. “Good morning Chuy.” She croons in a singsong tone, a soft smile crossing her face as her hand lifts to brush along his stubbled cheek in a saccharine hello.

heaven knows i don't follow, but i believe in this

CHULANE

blending into the darkness, & it gets harder to see

Falling, was right, as his mind conjured images of it up over and over again, taunting and teasing him, cruelly replaying what it imagined her final moments to be. Only it never ended - his mind could never come to the definitive conclusion that the fall ever ended. He couldn't picture the location, the lava, the way she would've looked when it--

He was awake. Well, 'awake', at least.

As what usually happened when the dreams came, they only ended when he woke up, inconclusive, unable to accept the horrifying, terrifying, depressing and devastating truth.

She was gone, he noted, as he did every morning now, looking to the space she would normally lie in. But there was something different - movement, the smell of coffee, and then--

"…Kia?" he breathed the word, amazement evident as he watched her, heard her felt her. He was sitting up, then scrambling, kneeling on the mattress, hand lifted to his cheek to hold hers against him, the other reaching for her, to pull her in, to hold her…

To never let her go again.

try to stand & unravel what a man's gotta be

KIADA

burn it into my collar, hollowed onto your wrist

His surprise does not surprise her. She knows this is a dream. She knows none of this is real. But dream Kiada can’t help but to place some sort of closure with her lover, at least attempt to. A goodbye that wasn’t given, before the lava had snuffed her out completely. So all she can offer is a bright smile, one that both knows and doesn’t know, as his hand comes up to rest along hers on his cheek.

She scoots in close, her other hand moving to get him to sit. “You slept in.” She comments softly, moving that other hand to run through his dark hair, to pull his head close to hers so she might press her forehead against his, to drown in those similarly iceberg eyes that matched her own so well. “I thought I’d make you coffee and some breakfast, after everything you’ve been through.” Her nose brushes by his, her eyes searching his face, a soft gentle smile along her face as if this were common place for her to make him meals when he slept in. As if she’s done it for the past few weeks.

heaven knows i don't follow, but i believe in this

CHULANE

blending into the darkness, & it gets harder to see

He sat in close, the dream-state he was in not questioning all the inconsistencies - how he was in the Grounds now when he fell asleep in Halo, how she was here, with him, how despite his initial surprise, it dissipated as he settled, leaning in towards her, arms falling into their spots about her waist.

And he stared into her eyes, happy to get lost in them, to be swallowed by them - he might never get to again (but why did he think that?).

Something was tugging at him, the unrealness of this place poking and prodding at him - but he denied it any traction, preferring this reality, where she still existed, where she held him and he held her, where they sat and laughed and smiled at each other.

"I was tired," he said softly, moving his nose lightly over hers, shutting his eyes a moment as he just existed in her presence once more. Then her words settled deeper into his mind, and a strange chill dripped down his spine.

"Been through?" he echoed, voicing the question and regretting it immediately, as even though he was looking at her, holding her, his mind started replaying the images again' she was falling, and he could almost feel the heat of the lava biting at the air around her.

He blinked again, and the image cleared, and Kia was with him, on their bed again. "Kia," the word was pleading for something he didn't know how to define. "Kia, what's going on?"

try to stand & unravel what a man's gotta be

KIADA

burn it into my collar, hollowed onto your wrist

The closeness, the nuzzling, it sparks some crinkling happiness within her, her gaze softening — though there in the depths, there’s a hint of sorrow. “Yes, been through.” She hums, softly, letting the images he imagines slowly take shape around them before Chulane banishes the thought once more. She rests her arms easily around his shoulders, locking her hands behind his neck as the question is raised.

“I’m sorry I never got to say goodbye.” She murmurs quietly, lifting her head up to scan his gaze. “I meant to make it back to you.” It’s a quiet murmur, before her hands are moving along his shoulders now, smoothing along the tanned skin she finds there while she chews on the inside of her cheek.

Her gaze snaps back to his again. “You can stay here with me a little while longer?” An offering for him to continue to dream this, for them to seemingly have a normal morning despite the fact that they both know she won’t be there when he wakes up alone in Halo.

heaven knows i don't follow, but i believe in this

CHULANE

blending into the darkness, & it gets harder to see

His heart wanted to sing, to celebrate in a chorus of happy flutterings in his chest, but he couldn't let go of the undertones, couldn't shake the memory of her falling, even if the images weren't replaying before him in this moment. But, it is easy for him to want to lean in, to want to focus only her on, to want to hope that this is real, that everything is alright (even if he knows it isn't).

Her hands around his neck, her words - his eyes grow wet, glistening from the tears as he nods, then tilts his forehead forward to rest upon one of her shoulders for a moment, a silent sob shaking him. It was a vulnerable moment, the only he ever allowed himself - in her presence, in the privacy of their home, together. He just let himself be, let himself hear her words (even if he wanted to deny them, he knew he shouldn't any more, couldn't anymore, and it hurt).

"I don't want to say goodbye," he admitted softly, admitting the weakness, the denial he'd been suffering - then he sat up again, taking a steadying breath with blurry vision he blinked away. He didn't have to say goodbye yet, he realised, as she offered him time - more time to be with her, to be here, to have one last morning together (even if it wasn't real - wasn't there a saying about things going on in one's head not being any less real than real?)

"Okay," he permitted, he agreed, letting a smile soften his expression, letting himself shake loose of the logic, of the scientist within him that struggled with accepting the strange and unusual workings of Caido. "You made coffee?" he asked, without even looking at the mugs, instead leaning in to press his lips into the crook of her neck, pulling her closer to him, immersing himself in this final blessing before the true finality would settle.

try to stand & unravel what a man's gotta be

KIADA

burn it into my collar, hollowed onto your wrist

Oh, she knows it breaks him. She knows how he carries himself strong, hiding away the sorrows and regrets of a life lost to the abyss of portals, only to arrive here and have all hope dashed away in an instant. Dream Kiada knows this, and still it doesn’t make it hurt any less for her. All she can do is be brave, put on a soft smile, cradle him close as he does her. “I know, Chuy.” She says softly, a quiet sigh passing through her lips.

At least he doesn’t have to say goodbye yet, and it’s that switch that has her drifting closer – running her hands through his dark hair as she had so many times before. He pulls her closer and she angles her head to make room for him there in the crook of it, to smell the cinders of flame, the smoke of wood burning. “I did make coffee. Unfortunately not very well, but I tried.” She offers with a quiet laugh, wrapping her arms around him softly so that she might push him further back into the bed until his back rests against the headboard and his lap be available for her to sit.

“I’m a baker, not a cook.” She murmurs softly, flashing him a grin before settling in, reaching over to grab his mug, letting his hands remain on her wherever he wished them to. “But I did make it just as sweet as you like it.”

heaven knows i don't follow, but i believe in this

CHULANE

blending into the darkness, & it gets harder to see

She knows, she always has known - she was his first true experience with attuning, his first testing of the bond, his first truly, honest look at what was going on. She was there, she felt it too, and shared it with him, empathised on a level he'd never experienced before. His survival, his resilience, his whole initiation to Caido had her written all over it - and though it might break him, change, him, alter him, it had also ultimately meant that he would survive this, even if he hurt along the way.

A low chuckle rumbled through his chest, letting her push him back, letting the scene settle into the easy embrace they had on those few carefree mornings they were granted together, before--

"It's delicious," he said with a playful smirk, before he even tried the steamy liquid, accepting the mug and taking a small experimental sip. His other hand lingered on the small of her back, holding her close - welcoming the weight of her in his lap, leaning against his broad chest. After the sip, he let his nose crinkle in a mockery of someone swallowing something extremely unpleasant - in truth, the coffee was fine, if a bit burnt and almost too sweet for his taste. But she had made it for him, and so he loved it regardless.

"Maybe stick to baking?" He suggested jokingly, pressing a kiss against her forehead. "Any of those cinnamon scrolls left?" He proposed instead, not wanting to move but wanting to give this dreamstate direction, reason to exist as long as possible.

try to stand & unravel what a man's gotta be

KIADA

burn it into my collar, hollowed onto your wrist

His initial comment to her coffee subject has her snorting, a shake of her head. “Liar.” It’s a soft, playful barb, before he tastes the coffee and his face scrunches up and she settles in his lap with the most nonchalant look on her face. “I told you.” It was a warning in and of itself, however playful it had become. At his question though, she sips from her coffee and cradles it in both hands, her iceberg gaze tilting toward the room she’d just departed in.

“A few. But don’t eat them all or you’ll get sick.” She chimes, not moving from where she’s sitting but instead, opening up her arm and gesturing for him to look at where her hand rests, palm up between them, the cinnamon rolls set on a plate before them. And with it, a wide grin spreads across Kiada’s face as she looks up to scan his own face.

Briefly, a few flickers of fire begin to dance along her shoulders, along burns Chuy would know intimately well, before the flame spreads a small amount down her spine — crackling and bright, but no heat or pain to be found. “What did you have planned for the day?” She asks, taking a sip from her coffee, as if she doesn’t know her flames are showing.

heaven knows i don't follow, but i believe in this

CHULANE

blending into the darkness, & it gets harder to see

Delight, true, honest delight lights up his face at her trick of summoning the rolls. Like a child in a candy store, he was filled with a giddy desire to stuff as many as he could in his mouth, to relish in the sugar rush that would no doubt follow, laughing and licking his fingers at the mess that would be left behind. Which gave him another idea…

He was distracted from the fleeting notion however, by the flames that danced and flickered along the spine of his beloved. But, such were dreams, he accepted their presence with ease, knowing them to be an aspect of Kia she'd spoken about before - he was just now getting to see them manifest, to behold her as her true self, in a way life had not lent them. A hand roamed gently through the flames, down her spine, marvelling as he always did at her beauty, her strength, everything that was simply her.

"Hmm," the familiar thoughtful sound rumbled from his chest as he reached for a cinnamon roll, bringing it to his lips with an expression that seemed to give it a lot more consideration a cinnamon roll might usually warrant. "I did have something important I wanted to tell you," with a playful smirk, he took a bite out of the roll, letting the sugary, creamy topping drip and dribble down his chin, licking his lips as he swallowed his bite.

"Can't quite remember it though." Offering the roll to her to finish, he might intentionally have it bump against her chin, and nose, before finally landing it in her mouth, giggling  in a very mature way all the while. "Oh dear, you seem to have something on your face," he noted with a devilish grin, a challenge of sorts in the way his brows quirked mischievously at her.

try to stand & unravel what a man's gotta be

KIADA

burn it into my collar, hollowed onto your wrist

His delight is reflected on her face, an easy and smooth grin spreading across her face as the flames flicker up along her spine. His hand roams along her shoulders, along the flickering hues that she can now see reflected in his eyes – a softer edge to her smile growing as she sips from her coffee, waiting for him to grab a cinnamon roll. What she doesn’t expect, however, is for him to grab the cinnamon roll and inspect it.

“They’re not poisonous.” She chimes, flashing an easy grin as she settles in, crossing her legs before her and before him, leaning forward to try and hear what he has to say. She watches the icing drip along his beard, her head tilting with amusement. “That’s going to be such a mess – Hey!” She claims, having neared to take a bite of the cinnamon roll and getting icing all over herself as well.

With a playful pout sent his way, she finishes her bite, making no move to clean up her face but rather tilt her chin up a bit at him, gaze narrowing in an amused challenge. “What’re you gonna do about it?” She asks, raising a dark brow as a slow grin spreads across her face.

heaven knows i don't follow, but i believe in this

CHULANE

blending into the darkness, & it gets harder to see

Oh, he knew it was going to be a mess, and he delighted all the more when she pointed it out, and then exclaimed at the resulting mess that came. Warm chuckles reverberated through him, filling him with joy and a lightness he hadn't experienced since - well, since before. And even if this was a dream, even if it was all made up, he still wanted to cling to it, to revel in it, to enjoy it - gods only know when he'd get to enjoy something like this moment again in the waking world.

"Hmm, what to do?" he questioned as he leaned in close to her own grinning face, as if to inspect the damage. And then, when he was a breath away from leaning in to kiss her sugar-coated nose, he paused, eyes widening as if an idea had just struck him.

"Ah, I remember what it was I needed to tell you," and with that declaration, he reached to hold her hands in his, thanking the dreamworld for making whatever objects they might've been holding conveniently dissipate or relocate to the bedside tables. He leaned back and drew her with him, into a loose embrace, uncaring for the syrup that no doubt would coat them both - hell, one might even say that was his plan all along.

"I should've told you properly before you left," he admitted softly, but without sadness, as he seemed to accept this was as good as he was going to get - and he wasn't about to squander this chance. He positioned himself that he might look upon her as he spoke. "Kiada Njovu-Reyes, I love you." Glacial gaze sought her own, wanting to know that she heard him, that she knew, and understood… and hoped that she might feel the same.

try to stand & unravel what a man's gotta be

KIADA

burn it into my collar, hollowed onto your wrist

Expectant, her eyes watch as he nears, a soft smile playing on her lips as he grows closer and closer. A soft kiss to her nose, the sugar and icing lingering on her skin, melding with his lips as the kiss arrives. And when he pulls away slightly, memory sparking in those icy eyes, her brows raise, and her smile grows a bit wider – curiosity lingering through the bond to him.

Wherever he guides her, she follows, nestling in close as icing melts and molds between them, a sticky mess that bothers Kiada very little in the grand scheme. “Told me what, Chuy?” She asks, head tilting slightly, hands raising and smearing icing and stickiness all over his cheeks and through his hair. It matters little, because this is a dream, and when he wakes he won’t have to deal with trying to wash it out.

He’ll just have to try again to wash her out of his mind…

But the words fall from his lips, and she sucks in a quiet breath – meeting his gaze with a bright and vibrant iceberg hue of her own, a smile glimmering across her face as her arms tighten around his neck and she pulls herself in closer. “I love you too, Chulane.” She breathes, pressing a soft kiss to his lips – sharing and smearing the icing more and more, wrapping herself and her flames around him.

heaven knows i don't follow, but i believe in this

CHULANE

blending into the darkness, & it gets harder to see

It was a moment of utter bliss, where he truly forgot it was a dream, where he embraced it, lived it, wanted it so much that he fell deep into the denial of reality. The icing, the touch of her, the feel of her within his arms - it was everything he wanted, everything he needed in this moment.

It would be the moments after he woke that hurt the most. The bliss and enjoyment would dissipate, the memory of it leaving a scorched trail of fresh grief in his mind. But perhaps in time, it would simmer and settle, and he would appreciate the world his mind (her mind? her soul?) crafted, would be able to reflect back on these moments with gratitude and affection.

Kiada returns the words, the sentiments, the love, and his heart swells with glee. They come together, as they have many times before - only it was different now, no desperation to shed layers of clothes, to ravage and know each other on a physical level. This was far more intimate, more serious, more real than before - and it was all a dream.

He returned the kiss, the icing only making her taste all the sweeter to him, the flames wrapping and entombing them in a passionate dance he'd not experienced before, but revelled in all the more. Gods, but he loved her, and he cursed himself for saying it now, here, too late - why did he hesitate before? Why did he wait, only to suffer the consequences and have to do it now?

It was the flames that did it. They glowed, and while they did not burn, they called to the images his mind had conjured of her, falling, falling, falling towards the lava pit, to be swallowed in an instant. He was holding her, his face buried in against her neck, shutting his eyes against the imagery - but that didn't stop it, couldn't stop it.

"I'm sorry," the apology came, as he cursed himself all over again, for being unable to cling to this, for being so late in expressing his true feelings for her, for not being strong enough to have gone with her, to be there for her, to take her place or at least try more to help her survive. So many things he was sorry for, that he didn't know how else to express, aside from holding her close, holding her tight, and apologising all the while for his shortcomings.

try to stand & unravel what a man's gotta be