From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Well, they'd built the freezer, and the office, and the Chief of Agriculture was doing his thing.
The 'thing' being mostly paperwork, at this stage. The office, also known as converted shack, had space at the back where he had set up the initial breeding pairs of ningos. As it turned out, when one provided food and shelter to the birds, they almost behaved in a way domesticated chickens would.
Almost. They still would randomly try to attack the vet's ankles as he walked past, but they rarely got through the thick leather of his pants and boots.
He sat at his desk, staring blankly at the pile of papers before him, tired and unwittingly zoning out yet again. It wasn't meant to be like this, he couldn't help the thought that kept cropping up in the fog of his mind.
As he so often did recently, Auni was there to pull him from his fog. The little luxere was more resilient than Chuy could ever claim to be himself, and the vet smiled sadly down at him as he pressed his nose into his bonded's hand, searching for the inevitable treat within.
even when i was a child
i’ve always known there was something to be frightened of
She's dreaded this moment since Kiada fell and the smoke cleared. She knows he's spoken to Deimos, to Loren, perhaps to Wessex too- but Amalia knows that none of them bear the same weight of responsibility that she does. None loved the Harpy as keenly as her.
No other failed to protect her.
She doesn't want to see the devastation on the face of this man, but it is a selfish desire. He deserves to see her, if he wants to - and to avoid her, if he wills.
His 'office' is a rather nice building, by Amalia's standards at least, surrounded by truly impressive swathes of loud, well-maintained birds. Their squawks of contentment are difficult to listen to, knowing what she does of their inevitable fate; she does her best to tune it out, grinding her teeth against the mental noise.
At the door Amalia pauses, taking in a breath. Jyoti swims behind her, cooing reassurances; the Shield places a grateful hand on her starry side, then knocks.
"Chulane? It's... Amalia. If... if you don't want to speak to me, I understand, but I wanted to see how you were doing. And to tell you how sorry I am."
It's Amalia, he heard, and he didn't know what to do.
He'd imagined this moment. Her, coming to him, r he, finding the courage to go find her. In some scenarios, he had done everything he could to find her, to ensure she was alright - he'd asked Deimos about her, and learned of her need for space. And on some level, perhaps he thought that need included him as well - perhaps, he had assumed she needed space from everything that might remind her of Deimos, of Kiada, of a life she had walked away from.
He didn't blame her. He was beyond blaming anyone, except himself still, here and there. Not strong enough, never strong enough - he shut his eyes against the thought before Auni even had a chance to nudge him.
In another scenario, he was angry at her, still. He'd been angry for what felt like a while, though he hardly knew exactly how much time had passed - it all blurred together when the sun never set. But he had never been one able to hold onto anger, to direct it at others. No, he was more one to internalise it, to swallow it up and hide it away - to put on a strong front.
That had changed for a while, as Kia had accepted him no matter was mood or emotion had taken him, and begun to show him that feeling was okay. Then it had changed again, as she was no longer here, and he felt like he was left behind in a world without a guiding light.
"Come in, Amalia," he said, opening the door, having put his papers to the side and crossed the space to the door, opening it to grant her passage. He looked upon her, his expression something unreadable. "Jyoti," he greeted as well, the little whale still something of a curiosity to him.
"Thanks for coming," he said, hating how his voice sounded anything but grateful, but unable to put the effort into articulating himself better. "I'm… sorry, too. I-" and he stopped talking, afraid of what he was going to say, unable to articulate it, to even begin.
Rather unceremoniously, he sat in a chair, leaning his elbows on his knees and grasping his forehead with his hands. Auni bleated softly at Jyoti and Amalia, trotting out from behind the desk to rub against the woman's legs, before settling beside his new bondmate.
even when i was a child
i’ve always known there was something to be frightened of
She'd meant to keep it together. But then she saw the little luxere, and gods if it wasn't a blow to the soul, tearing her open from within.
So she says nothing as she enters the office, the wind knocked out of her by the sight of the deer. Guilt, relief, love, loss- everything and nothing plays across her face, shoving its way into her mouth and lodging in her throat. It stays there as she shuffles inward, blinking back tears and trying desperately to swallow the hoarse, cracking sob. She's only half successful, her voice breaking keenly as she reaches down to pet the luxere. "Hi, Auni," Amalia whispers, her dark eyes closing as her fingers press into the soft coat. The touch is gone too soon, just like the Harpy, the luxere retreating from her reach back to his new soulmate's side.
Her fingers feel cold.
She doesn't look at Chulane as she straightens up again, quietly clearing her throat. Her dark eyes move around the room, settling on nothing, blinking back the last of the tears. Unsure what else she can possibly do, the Shield at last steps forward, extending a tentative, slender hand to ghost over his shoulder.
Do you want to talk about it?" she asks him; she does not. But she owes him an explanation, will give it to him if he wants it. Loathe as she is to relive that agony, she will do it for him.
He hears the sob, and he doesn't make any motion of acknowledging it, too lost, consumed by his own emotions. It wasn't meant to be like this - he wasn't meant to be like this. He was meant to be the one comforting, the one offering words of reassurance and solace, of making sure those he cared about were safe.
But he'd already failed at that, hadn't he?
It wasn't so much a flinch as a stiffening of the muscles across his back and shoulders as Amalia reached out to touch him. He didn't pull away from the touch - gods, when was the last time he'd been touched, held, embraced?
And so he leaned into it instead, lifting his head with great effort, blinking back the tears that had sprung up behind his icy gaze to look upon her again. Some semblance of tired gratitude and understanding was on his face now, as he reached for the hand she rested upon his shoulder, giving it a squeeze.
"You don't have to," he said softly, before sighing deeply. He'd heard the story, or parts of it, from Deimos, and Loren. "But…" he hesitated, shaking his head lightly. "I loved her, Amalia. I want you to know that. I didn't get to tell her before."
His gaze had moved down, his focus somewhere on his feet, before a swell of emotion not originating from him rose up - Auni, ever present, crooning a soft sound at his side.
09-12-2020, 04:26 AM (This post was last modified: 09-12-2020, 04:27 AM by Amalia.)
even when i was a child
i’ve always known there was something to be frightened of
He squeezes the hand on his shoulder, a painful sort of sad acceptance that means far more than words. Amalia exhales a a breath she hadn't meant to hold, returning the gesture with her own tight clench. "I know you did," she tells him softly, her voice low and kind. "She knew it, too. And she loved you as well." There are too few opportunities to say it; she knows what it feels like, to have those chances snatched away.
She offers Chulane one last squeeze before drawing away to settle on another chair. Her palms settle upon her thighs, running anxiously over thick pants; her mouth feels oddly dry. At least now she can meet his eyes, and does, letting her dark gaze find his icy one, a small, sad smile that doesn't reach them curving her lips below. "She told me a little of how you met, but not the whole story," the Shield prods gently, "Or how you came to be so close."
And she loved you as well. Hot tears came in a new wave as he registered the thought, a sob sniffling its way through him as he just nodded, accepting her words, even though they were both uplifting and heart-wrenching to hear.
A breathy, shaky laugh huffed through his lips as her question prompted his mind to flood with the memories he held of Kia. He reflects the sad smile she gives, his crown of curly hair nodding again, submitting to her gentle prodding.
"I had portalled in long not prior. I was running errands for my landlord, and the bag of vegetables I was holding decided in that moment not only to bump into a dazzling woman on the street, but also tear apart and send food everywhere." A look reminiscent of the warm, happy, wholesome expression he used to wear so often when he thought of her ghosted across his face as he set the scene.
"She was kind enough to lend a hand carrying them back to my lodge." A wistful smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "And she told me a great deal about herself, and the world I had arrived in, that afternoon. I met Auni then, too," he stroked the luxere's ears affectionately.
"As to how we became close? When the snows prevent most travel outside the Citadel, it's easy to run into people," he shrugged. "She had promised to help me train my attuned shift, and we… became friends. I trusted her, she trusted me. I could be me around her, in a way I couldn't with anyone else. After the attack on the palace, where she and the other Grounders were staying," he paused, taking a moment to breathe, to slow down, as the emotions of that moment rose up again, a new wave of tears wetting his eyes.
"I realised I cared about her. Properly cared, like I couldn't stand the thought of anything bad happening to her." He hadn't quite realised the depth of his feelings at the time… in the moment, but looking back, he knew that had been the beginning for him, the time when Kiada had become more than an acquaintance, more than just another friendly face in the crowd.
"I had plotted with some of the Grounders to give her a night off. Call it a date if you want, but mostly I just wanted her to be able to relax, to let go of responsibility for a night and eat a good meal with a friend. Everyone was so tired, working so hard… She told me more about herself that night. About her past, the mistakes she made. I think she was afraid that I was going to leave her?" His head shook slightly from side-to-side, as if answering the question he posed. "The thought didn't cross my mind at the time." At some point through his talking, his gaze had drifted from the Shield's, focussing somewhere in the middle distance; he lifted it to hers again.
"After Weaver was killed… she was there. For me, for the friends we'd made here. She was so strong Amalia, so.." and here was when his broke voice, when it started to crack, when he bent over his knees again to let the grief hit him full on. She's gone, the thought cruelly echoed about his mind, resounding again and again until Auni's worried bleats brought him back. "Ah," he sobbed softly, "sorry Auni. I know you miss her." I know I'm not her.
even when i was a child
i’ve always known there was something to be frightened of
She listens to his tale in a quiet, rapt attention, knowing that the retelling is more for him than her. At intervals she'll smile or chuckle, nod or hum for him to carry on. The tale of romance is a sweet and delicate thing, and as bittersweet as thoughts of the Harpy will always be Amalia is glad for the chance to look in and see this moment, the beautiful thing she shared with this man.
It isn't until his voice breaks that she leans in, placing a tentative hand onto his knee. "She had lost so much. Having you... it meant the world to her. I know it did." Brave, strong, bold Kiada, daughter of fire and steel. "You gave her so much, Chulane- and even now, by taking Auni. Most companions never have a second chance."
Again Amalia leans back, her hands returning to her lap. She glances to the small window, out onto the snow, remembering moments from the years before when she'd ventured in companionship out across the frozen sea. "You know... it's tradition, in Longheat, to make offerings to Safrin. Last year... Kiada, Deimos and I wrote a song." She smiles wistfully, nostalgia softening her gaze. "Maybe... if you like, we can come up with something together. To honor both of them."
He knew he was talking too much. It felt selfish, to unload, to want to talk about her, when even thinking about her felt like a taboo subject. But he had to, had to take this opportunity for himself, for Amalia… for Kiada. It would be more a shame to not talk about her, to let her be forgotten - better she be remembered, by all of them.
Steadying himself to Amalia's touch, he nodded his head slowly, wanting so much to believe them, to cherish them. He did know the depts of her affection for him, even if they had never said it directly, out loud except in a dream he wasn't sure was reality. The attuned bond had been many things to Chulane, and with her, he'd always encouraged openness, raw and real emotions - there was nowhere to hide with the bond, and no need to, when it had been between them.
A sad half-smile touched his lips, as he considered the luxere, scritching lovingly along Auni's neck. "It felt like a miracle. Still does," he spoke of bonding with the luxere, of finding him, the breath of life still barely clinging to him - of the way the luxere brought aspects of Kia with him, of how they helped each other through their tougher times. Chulane did not use the word miracle lightly, hardly believing in such things, atheist of Earth that he was; but in this, he truly did believe.
"A song?" He'd blinked away what tears he could, and wiped the ones that wet his cheeks away on his sleeve, as he looked with raised brow to the woman. "I'm sorry, hold up - Deimos actually sang this song?" The whole idea amused the vet far too much, and a full grin almost curved his lips - before he remembered the other crucial point, and took more closer note of everything Amalia had said.
"Deimos. He… he was sick," realisation bloomed as he looked more imploringly over Amalia. "I was with him a few days ago, but he disappeared, and no-one I asked could tell me where he went." He paused, swallowing, trying to pace himself, trying not to overwhelm the moment with all of the questions that suddenly wanted to leap out from him. "He told me you needed space," he spoke without judgement, without any sense of right or wrong, only facts. "Amalia, are you alright?"
even when i was a child
i’ve always known there was something to be frightened of
"He did. Not the first time, either," she confides, her own smile blooming bittersweet over her face. "Kiada brought out the best of him. He's surprisingly playful, when you crack through that shell." Dancing through crowds and singing to the night, flour fights and moonlit flights - they'd shared enough warm memories and laughter to fill her heart further than she'd believed that it could be.
So why did she leave?
The smiles fade as quickly as they rose, though the reasons behind it are different. Creeping guilt coils in her belly, worsening when he says that her husband is gone. "Disappeared?" Amalia repeats, anxiety spiking, her voice taut. "I know- he was sick, but I thought he'd be safe at home, until I could get back and help him-"
Dark eyes wide with alarm, she puts her head into her hands, shaking like a leaf. "I... oh gods. I left... after Kia, I couldn't. I needed- and I must have gotten him sick when I was home. I left him. How could I have been so selfish?"
Amusement bloomed within him as he thought of Deimos, as he learned more about the man he admired. He had seen snippets of such things before, but the idea of the General bringing himself to sing - well, to Chuy, it demonstrated the love the Sword clearly felt for Amalia and Kiada.
He hadn't meant to interrogate her. To push her to this apparent breaking point, but… He'd had to know. Had to ask. Had to accept what was happening, even if his own mind wanted to spiral and lose control and be overwhelmed with all the worries and panicked thoughts that had been pounding at his head since the General's disappearance.
It was like he entered another mode, where he was able to control his own anxieties, ignore them for a time, so that he could try and help her through hers. In a smooth motion that he barely remembered executing, his chair was beside hers. "Hey," he began, his tone apologetic, "I'm gonna hug you, okay? But if you don't want me to you just say the word and I'll back off." And, assuming she consented, he reached out to embrace her, to hold her close against his chest, his long arms about her shoulders - or if she indicated that in any way she didn't want him so near, he would keep his distance.
"You couldn't have known, Amalia." He attempted to reassure. "I don't know much, but I believe in being true to yourself and those close to you. And while it might hurt… it's always the right time to be honest with yourself." He didn't know her well, but he'd been through his share of breakups, for various reasons, and observed much and more at every interaction.
"For whatever it's worth… I have faith he's okay, that we'll find him again." He couldn't believe that the Sword was gone gone, couldn't accept it - it was classic denial, but he was determined to hold onto it, until he was proven right, or wrong.
even when i was a child
i’ve always known there was something to be frightened of
She's too caught up in her own despair to notice the chair moving toward her until he's caught up in his arms, held against his chest. It's a surprise and she freezes at the touch, stiffening in his hold before relaxing, exhaustion stealing her will to fight, to cry, to do anything but give in. A part of her points out the hypocrisy of accepting his comfort, when she came to offer hers, but she's too damned worn out from the trials of the past few seasons to resist her weakness.
Instead she simple shakes in silence, trying to collect herself enough to speak again. "Thank you, Chuy... I'm sorry. I've been- it's been a difficult few weeks." A weak smile cuts across her face; she straightens, drawing gently away, still coiled in on herself. "The illness... is difficult to bear. I'm hoping- hoping we can find a way to treat everyone, but all we have right now is temporary."[/say Splaying her hands in front of herself, she gives a helpless shrug. "I only have a few more days before I'm sick again."
He didn't think it was hypocritical; it simply was. Friends comforted each other, the role of comforter and comfortee changing as the situation evolved. And Chulane did think Amalia a friend, even if a large part of that friendship was based on the affection Kiada held for the woman - Kia had cared immensely for the Shield, and spoken about her often enough that Chulane felt he knew her better than he actually did.
Even with Kia gone though, he still cared, still wanted the best for her, still felt great affection for her. Amalia was a huge part of Kia's life, and though Kia was no longer (the thought becoming easier to bear, not summoning mental pangs every time).
He made no comment, but nodded as she sat up, silently indicating she wanted her space again. And he listened, as she spoke of the illness - and he belatedly realised that she hadn't been exhibiting any of the symptoms that the others had, but had been with the group who'd gone to the Climb and- "What.. How did you get better, even temporary?" Could they give it to the others? Even temporary, could it provide some relief, give them a chance to eat and sleep and rehydrate before being swallowed up by fever and delirium once more?
even when i was a child
i’ve always known there was something to be frightened of
"There was... water. From the Climb. It seems to help, but not for long." It's a relief to latch on to this topic, because it's something she can fix. Something she can move towards, something concrete, which Amalia needs desperately in a shifting, uncertain world. Her shaking has stilled and slowed to a mild tremble; sniffing, she straightens further, clenching and unclenching her hands upon her knees. "I only had one serving, but... if we can get more, we can start to help people. It isn't permanent, though."
Looking back over at Chulane Amalia offers him a sad, tired look. There are bags under her eyes, clear signs of exhaustion in the slender lines of her face. "If we do find it... will you do me a favor? Make sure... promise me Deimos will get some, as soon as you can get it to him. I think... it would be better, coming from you."
