Aurelia
and that the world is always our fault
when we did nothing, how did we do wrong?
when we did nothing, how did we do wrong?
There was a small, sympathetic grimace that hardened her features at his affirmation. Not even a year... That look remained engraved across her face as Sunjata dismissed her apology and settled right into telling her everything. At his arm draping over her shoulder, she lets out a deep breath through her nose and looks away from him. The physical touch made her instinctively want to retract from him, instinctively tense against the warmth. Not because she did not want or value the gesture of good will, but because it was just that unfamiliar to her. Outside of her family, Aurelia didn't have real friends. At least, not before. She raised her forlorn look back up at Sunjata as he unveiled his story to her, relaxing ever so slightly against his arm for a moment.
At the mention of his attempt to join Lusea, at the gesture to the scar over his artery, her brows raised up and then fell into a deeper grimace. She swallowed hard. Her jaw clenched and she looked away as she imagined how much that must have hurt... in both ways. She'd never even come close to a love like that, though, so she could only try to understand. After hearing about Maea, she felt pretty bad for calling him 'whalemeat'. As much as she wanted to speak up, though, she kept her lips sealed shut until he had gotten through it all to the present moment.
In truth, there was not much she could have told him to assure him things would be better. Perhaps, things would not get better. But sometimes it was the words that weren't said that meant all that much more, and although the air was heavy, Aurelia remained.
As he lit a cigarette, holding out one for her as well, she met his gaze as he invited her to open up. Well, less of an invitation and more like an unspoken deal that she had agreed to the moment she let him tell her about his past. She smirked right at him then and reached up to sneak the lit cigarette right from between his lips. She took it and relished her own drag from it, leaning against the arm of the couch and deciding to keep it for herself. A playful grin flashed across her face as she kept the cigarette between her teeth but, only for a moment.
After all, she was not feeling especially happy. Although, there did seem to be a sliver of hope beneath it all. Entangled in the webs of darkness, there was an underlying warmth; light. She plucked the smoke from her mouth, holding it between her fingers. She looked at him, though not fully, and let out the smoke in a soft billow. She put the glass down, though it was about half-full still.
"Alright. I've told you a lot, so I'll just tell you the shit you haven't heard yet. After about a year on the streets, my mother got a job in the factories. It wasn't much but, it was usually enough to keep a roof over our heads.. Tarla, the youngest of us three, kept getting sick," she gritted her teeth at the memory, "Things turned out alright but... we had to move so many times I stopped counting and Tarla was always so weak, her body could barely handle the stress. We spent a lot of time without a consistent roof over our heads, too. My mother did her best. I never blamed her for a second. She tried to keep us in school, kept us fed, kept us safe- well, as much as she could've," she made a 'tsk' sound, "Kids hated me. Word had spread about my family. I was the girl whose father was killed by a mage. I don't know, I guess they thought maybe it'd happen to them too if they got close to me. I'll never understand how cruel kids can be but, I mean... I had to learn how to fight for myself and my sisters at a young age," she sighed, "I gave up after so long, though. Dropped out when I was sixteen. Mom was pissed at me for it," she chuckled at the image that popped into her mind, of their huge fight, their angry faces, "she was so mad at me. I was sick of it, you know? I was old enough to work, to help my family, and those assholes didn't care about me. I was the 'problem child'. I didn't know it at the time but... my mother was getting sick. It wasn't like the shit Tarla had. Pneumonia, I guess. Nah," she shook her head and paused, taking a brief drag of the cigarette again, "it was cancer. Those kind of doctors were a luxury we couldn't afford, either, so she just.. I-I couldn't handle it. I stayed down in the mines for months. I gave her as much of my wages as I could but, I barely went home. I was so selfish," she laughed softly at herself, in disbelief of her actions. She paused, sighing and slowly rolling the cigarette between her fingers before ashing it in the tray.
"During that time, I met a man who told me I had a job working under him if I wanted to learn the trade. It was bounty hunting. But I knew how dangerous that shit was, and I couldn't risk leaving my family like that. Not with mom being sick and my sisters being so young. I worked whatever shitty job I could find, anything to keep me from going home," She sighed and tilted her head against the back of the couch, "But mom died when I was 18, and... I was old enough to take custody of my sisters. I knew I had to do something more," she lifted her head back up and looked at Sunjata, "So I went out looking for him- the bounty hunter. That was how I kept my sisters fed, clothed, and well cared for. It was fucked up work. They didn't care if we brought our targets back dead or alive. And I..." She knew it sounded bad but, nonetheless, she locked her fiery eyes against his steely blues.
Anger flared up inside of her and although she controlled her expression, the oil lamp on the table was another story. The small, delicate flame became a burst of light, flickering against the side of the glass with each word she proceeded to speak. She hardly noticed it, of course, self-absorbed for that moment.
"You must think I'm cruel for it - and that's fine. You're right. I showed them nothing. No mercy, no sympathy, nothing. Because they didn't show any to my father, and they completely fucked our lives up. If he hadn't died, maybe mom wouldn't have either... all that pain, misery, and death.. because of one of them." She brought the cigarette back up to her lips, staring across the room as she settled her temper. With it, the flame in the lamp settled too, right as her gaze obliviously drifted across it.
On a final note, before she took another drag, she admitted with a dark tone, "For all my searching, I never did find the bastard that did it. I never will, either."
At the mention of his attempt to join Lusea, at the gesture to the scar over his artery, her brows raised up and then fell into a deeper grimace. She swallowed hard. Her jaw clenched and she looked away as she imagined how much that must have hurt... in both ways. She'd never even come close to a love like that, though, so she could only try to understand. After hearing about Maea, she felt pretty bad for calling him 'whalemeat'. As much as she wanted to speak up, though, she kept her lips sealed shut until he had gotten through it all to the present moment.
In truth, there was not much she could have told him to assure him things would be better. Perhaps, things would not get better. But sometimes it was the words that weren't said that meant all that much more, and although the air was heavy, Aurelia remained.
As he lit a cigarette, holding out one for her as well, she met his gaze as he invited her to open up. Well, less of an invitation and more like an unspoken deal that she had agreed to the moment she let him tell her about his past. She smirked right at him then and reached up to sneak the lit cigarette right from between his lips. She took it and relished her own drag from it, leaning against the arm of the couch and deciding to keep it for herself. A playful grin flashed across her face as she kept the cigarette between her teeth but, only for a moment.
After all, she was not feeling especially happy. Although, there did seem to be a sliver of hope beneath it all. Entangled in the webs of darkness, there was an underlying warmth; light. She plucked the smoke from her mouth, holding it between her fingers. She looked at him, though not fully, and let out the smoke in a soft billow. She put the glass down, though it was about half-full still.
"Alright. I've told you a lot, so I'll just tell you the shit you haven't heard yet. After about a year on the streets, my mother got a job in the factories. It wasn't much but, it was usually enough to keep a roof over our heads.. Tarla, the youngest of us three, kept getting sick," she gritted her teeth at the memory, "Things turned out alright but... we had to move so many times I stopped counting and Tarla was always so weak, her body could barely handle the stress. We spent a lot of time without a consistent roof over our heads, too. My mother did her best. I never blamed her for a second. She tried to keep us in school, kept us fed, kept us safe- well, as much as she could've," she made a 'tsk' sound, "Kids hated me. Word had spread about my family. I was the girl whose father was killed by a mage. I don't know, I guess they thought maybe it'd happen to them too if they got close to me. I'll never understand how cruel kids can be but, I mean... I had to learn how to fight for myself and my sisters at a young age," she sighed, "I gave up after so long, though. Dropped out when I was sixteen. Mom was pissed at me for it," she chuckled at the image that popped into her mind, of their huge fight, their angry faces, "she was so mad at me. I was sick of it, you know? I was old enough to work, to help my family, and those assholes didn't care about me. I was the 'problem child'. I didn't know it at the time but... my mother was getting sick. It wasn't like the shit Tarla had. Pneumonia, I guess. Nah," she shook her head and paused, taking a brief drag of the cigarette again, "it was cancer. Those kind of doctors were a luxury we couldn't afford, either, so she just.. I-I couldn't handle it. I stayed down in the mines for months. I gave her as much of my wages as I could but, I barely went home. I was so selfish," she laughed softly at herself, in disbelief of her actions. She paused, sighing and slowly rolling the cigarette between her fingers before ashing it in the tray.
"During that time, I met a man who told me I had a job working under him if I wanted to learn the trade. It was bounty hunting. But I knew how dangerous that shit was, and I couldn't risk leaving my family like that. Not with mom being sick and my sisters being so young. I worked whatever shitty job I could find, anything to keep me from going home," She sighed and tilted her head against the back of the couch, "But mom died when I was 18, and... I was old enough to take custody of my sisters. I knew I had to do something more," she lifted her head back up and looked at Sunjata, "So I went out looking for him- the bounty hunter. That was how I kept my sisters fed, clothed, and well cared for. It was fucked up work. They didn't care if we brought our targets back dead or alive. And I..." She knew it sounded bad but, nonetheless, she locked her fiery eyes against his steely blues.
Anger flared up inside of her and although she controlled her expression, the oil lamp on the table was another story. The small, delicate flame became a burst of light, flickering against the side of the glass with each word she proceeded to speak. She hardly noticed it, of course, self-absorbed for that moment.
"You must think I'm cruel for it - and that's fine. You're right. I showed them nothing. No mercy, no sympathy, nothing. Because they didn't show any to my father, and they completely fucked our lives up. If he hadn't died, maybe mom wouldn't have either... all that pain, misery, and death.. because of one of them." She brought the cigarette back up to her lips, staring across the room as she settled her temper. With it, the flame in the lamp settled too, right as her gaze obliviously drifted across it.
On a final note, before she took another drag, she admitted with a dark tone, "For all my searching, I never did find the bastard that did it. I never will, either."
and I've been thinking that when we thought
the world would break us, that we weren't wrong
the world would break us, that we weren't wrong
