let the whole world look in

NATE

It takes no time at all to think of the newly built house as home, to think of this as a homecoming, the first of many, he's sure. What does give him pause, make his high spirits sputter and falter, are the men standing at either side of the front doors, gruff-looking and sharp-eyed. Nate sets his jaw and pauses, glancing between them as they take him in, then push off from the walls and step past him, heading back in the direction of Haulani.

Nate watches them go for a moment, then rushes into the house, a strange sense of worry spurring his steps on now, though he's careful to open the door nearly silently, eyes moving back and forth as he creeps in. There are only so many parts of the house that are furnished, and it makes sense to check them first, to rule out the obvious answers.

"Sunny?" Nate's voice breaks the silence of the house as he turns towards the domestic half of the house, towards the kitchen and open windows and the few seats and tables they'd managed to get moved up the cliff. "You hom- oh." It would be a lie to say relief didn't tug on Nate's shoulders, the easy grin returning to his face as he came upon Sunjata. "I was worried, there were people guarding the door?"

Stopping in front of the attuned, Nate cocked his head, swallowed, though he couldn't pin down the cause of the uncomfortable coiling in his guts. "Voel jy oukei?" As the words leave him, a gentle touch reaches out through their bond, the ascended offering a different avenue for answers, if it was needed.

killed my old self
but the new me isn't much better

// so now you've done a little wrong and you need to be forgiven,
by the vicar and the company you keep //

The guards did offer some relief. Some. In the means that he’s likely losing his mind. Because he’s seen the figure again and again, neither Haai nor the guards having seen anything. And it lends him into crumbling in on himself day after day. Today, however, he doesn’t hear the door open – half asleep in a chair by the window as was his usual perch, having missed seeing Nate’s arrival up the cliffs edge. He only stirs when he hears Nate’s voice, part of him keeping him in that strange limbo of just waking up, where you can’t tell if it was a dream or not.

But it isn’t. He can hear the voice continue, can now hear the footsteps as they approach, eyes opening with bags beneath them from terrible sleep and quite a lengthy hangover. It takes him a moment to register and by that time, Nate’s stopped in front of him, a swift realization that has him ignoring all the rest in order to stumble a bit wobbly to his feet and to crash into Nate with a tight hug, burying his face into Nate’s shoulder and hair. You’re home. He manages, though it almost sounds like a relieved prayer in comparison to anything from before.

The rest of the questions come to mind, however, and he focuses on them, where to start. “Jack’s… Had people watching the house and the Slagveld for me.” He half mumbles, before he keeps his head tucked in and away from Nate’s face. “Ek dink ek verloor my kop.” It comes out quietly, sadly, having been unable to tell anyone but Melita and Jack and now Nate. I missed you.

// this is the sin that i will confess to release myself
from consequence and everyone can tell //

SUNJATA

NATE

It should click sooner, but it doesn't, not until Sunjata looks up at him, and Nate can see how bloodshot and bruised his eyes look. Not until Sunjata stands, and Nate reaches out to try and steady the wobbling, arms wrapping around the attuned automatically as he presses close. This close, Nate can smell the liquor he's soaked in, can feel the tremor in Sunjata that seems to come in time with his heartbeat. Had he really been gone long enough for all this?

Immediately, protectiveness flares in Nate, assuming the Captain is trying to be a threat, instead of offering a hand. He can't make anything else make sense, not at the moment, when he can only see a shard of the picture. Just before he can ask if he needs to make another visit to the smuggler, the thought is shoved out of his mind by the far more worrying rumble of Korofi.

"Wag, hoekom?" Fingers spread through the short hair at the back of Sunjata's head, cradling him close against Nate's shoulder and trying to offer some sense of comfort. "Het daar iets gebeur?" It was the only thing that made sense, really. Something had to have happened, Sunjata wouldn't just crack like this over nothing. Lips press against the top of Sunjata's head, a touch of guilt paving the way for his silent response. I missed you too. I'm sorry I left.

killed my old self
but the new me isn't much better

// so now you've done a little wrong and you need to be forgiven,
by the vicar and the company you keep //

“Because.” Sunjata rumbles at first, a haphazard attempt at speaking before cutting himself off, melding in the feel of Nate keeping him close, in the way the Attuned’s muscles seem to clench and flex in quiet trembles of their own. A shaky breath is taken in before muscles clench in his jaw, a shake of his head buried in his husband’s shoulder at the apology. Don’t be. It was something Nate had to do. And he gets that. He does. He’d do the same.

Besides, it isn’t Nate’s fault that Sunjata’s father keeps plaguing him. It isn’t Nate’s fault that he can’t keep himself together enough to realize it’s a figment, a trick, and not just there to distract him. It’s all on him, as it usually was prone to being. “I keep seeing him. My father. Little flickers here and there but he’s fucking everywhere Nate and I can’t get away from him.” A bit of a panic edges his tone, reluctantly pulling away from Nate to peer out the window again.

“Jack had his guys scout for him. They didn’t find anything. And I fucking panicked more and so he put a couple here until you got back.” His gaze lifts again, fracturing steel meeting Nate’s face. He doesn’t want to even think about the favors he’s got to do for the captain for the trade, but it's always there at the back of his mind.

// this is the sin that i will confess to release myself
from consequence and everyone can tell //

SUNJATA

NATE

How could he be anything other than apologetic, seeing Sunjata in this state? Knowing that it had been this bad while he was gone, knowing he hadn't been here to help mitigate anything. Cool hands smooth along the attuned's back, trying to work away the tension, the trembling.

Understanding clicks right away, though Nate can't offer anything at first, teeth worrying at his lip. Sunjata shifts, pulls away, despite how the ascended's arms tighten to keep him close, Nate throwing a glance over his shoulder at the window. "He can't be here, can he?" How low were the actual chances? And the chance that he was here, and had managed to go unnoticed by everyone but Sunjata was even lower.

Is he supposed to know what to say in the face of all of this? Nate feels like he should, feels like he should have an answer for this, or at least something reassuring. "I'm back now." He offers after a moment of thought, his mismatched eyes bright beneath worried brows, searching Sunjata's face for anything that might help him figure this out. "Do you think it's like... like when we saw Ru?" Not that he's trying to dismiss what it is Sunjata is going through, not at all. If anything, he's trying to do the opposite, trying to offer a rational explanation.

killed my old self
but the new me isn't much better

// so now you've done a little wrong and you need to be forgiven,
by the vicar and the company you keep //

“I don’t know.” It’s a quiet whisper, muscles feathering in his jaw. “All signs point to no, though.” They would have known, wouldn’t they? Rumors would have spread? It just means it’s all in his head again, something that terrifies him even more. What if it never stopped? He remains close to Nate, despite pulling away a fraction, feeling the cool hands that smooth down his back and feeling the relief in the way he says he’s back. He hadn’t realized how much of his mental space weighed on Nate, and part of him is ashamed for it. It isn’t fair, after all.

He looks back at Nate’s face to meet the mismatched gaze and worried brows, his head ducking a bit as his eyes fall, to Nate’s chest if only to avoid the sensation of the thoughts that pass through his mind. A hollow, coldness that seeps into the bond toward Nate, however much he tries to block it out. “It probably is.” He says with some defeat, some frustration at himself for letting it get to him so much that he does pull away fully from Nate now, moving to sink back into the couch with the mess of blankets, reaching up with both hands to rub at his temples. “Means it should end at some point, yeah?” They had only seen Ru once. And since then, well, not again. But Sunjata’s father is a ghost of a memory that keeps coming back again and again.

It has to end soon, doesn’t it?

// this is the sin that i will confess to release myself
from consequence and everyone can tell //

SUNJATA

NATE

”Thats good then, huh?” There is the edge of a struggle in Nate’s voice, his smile not quite completely sincere, concern something he’s not used to hiding quite yet. And he is very concerned for Sunjata. Even if it’s nothing, which it must be, it shouldn’t be affecting the attuned this much. There’s no need to jump to conclusions though. Nate can rationalize anything, can explain this away, just to himself, as stress and change wearing down on an already overworked mind, which is then tipped into this by the swirling of terrible memories.

Their eyes meet for a fraction of a second before Sunjata dips away entirely, something Nate understands. There’s no judgement, nothing but support, in the strong hands and the way Nate presses his cheek to the top of his husbands head. A chill sweeps through the bond, the ascended all but shivering, but trying to radiate warmth, sharing with Sunjata the happiness he feels at being home, at being here, right now. ”It could be coming up more because it’s affecting you more?” It’s a cruel suggestion, but not one he would put past the Herald of the season. ”It’ll end though. Before you know it.” Fingers brush through Sunjata’s hair as he pulls away, the ascended obviously reluctant to let go.

Emotions are never going to be Nate’s forte, no matter how much he’s improved, he still flounders here. The venn diagram of coping mechanisms he and Sunjata share is a circle, so he has absolutely nothing to offer on that front. ”Have you been feeding yourself?” It’s all he has left, some way to show Sunjata things will be okay. That they’ll go back to normal, now that he’s back. Nate steps closer, kneeling in front of his husband and reaching out to cup his face. ”You want me to make you something?”

killed my old self
but the new me isn't much better

// so now you've done a little wrong and you need to be forgiven,
by the vicar and the company you keep //

It should be good. It should be relief to the tension. But it isn’t, no way to distract himself fully from the ghost that plagues him. And it’s made worse this time around, because instead of Sunjata being in Korofi having already lost everything and on a one way wind to oblivion, well, he has so much to lose here in Caido, in Torchline. It’s part of what terrifies him.

But Sunjata slips away, thankful for the familiar touch and hold of Nate, even if he breaks away from it. “I hope so.” It’s quiet, it’s almost defeated. An unspoken question of ‘what if it doesn’t?’ A question he’s sure so many others have had. It weighs on him in more ways than one, and he sinks into the couch to rub at his temples, listening as Nate speaks – trying to remember the last time he’d eaten and nothing quite comes to mind aside from a hunt a few days ago, one that had taken out some of his aggression on a poor Ramphire.

As for preparing food? Nope. His hands drop as Nate kneels in front of him and cups his face and Sunjata peers back at him with tired steel – head tilting a small amount in Nate’s hands as he considers it. Along his neck there’s the faded bruises from their honeymoon, but among them a couple of more fresh ones, ones that are definitely not Nate, something he doesn’t even think about as he considers the option of food. “Please.” It comes out quietly, Sunjata swallowing hard as he scans Nate’s face, reaching up to rest his hands on the crook of his husband’s arms.

// this is the sin that i will confess to release myself
from consequence and everyone can tell //

SUNJATA

NATE

Some part of Nate feels like he’s failed, as he hears the weary placating in Sunjata’s voice. It’s hard to not take it to heart, to not immediately try something else, but the ascended knows it’s not like that. Knows this isn’t simple, isn’t personal. The unspoken question remains exactly that, Nate trying to focus on the positive instead, leaning in to press his lips to Sunjata’s forehead, leaning back to poke a button he knows with absolute certainty will get a familiar response.

”Of course, dikbek.” Nate says with a smile caught halfway between smug amused. He knows there’s at least basic things in the house, whatever they’d had in the Slagveld, though he doesn’t count on much more than that. ”You’re going to have to get up though.” Even as he speaks, Nate’s arms are shifting, hooking under his husbands to drag him back up to his feet, then wrapping around him to deposit him in a chair closer to the kitchen. Call it selfishness or call it concern, Nate wants the other man close enough to see, close enough to reach out and touch, when he wants to.

Quick hands pull things from cupboards without looking, bright eyes focused on Sunjata. ”At least you weren’t alone the entire time I was gone, huh?” Nate says it like a joke, curious despite himself. It has to take someone bold to leaves marks over his, and the sudden, aggressive snap of a knife going through a potato manages to surprise him a little, his own jealousy burning a touch brighter that he expects. It has to be the circumstances, his emotional state already affected by finding his husband like this.

”You know,” Nate hums, glad he has this to fall back on, to try and drag the mood back up with, ”I brought you something.”

killed my old self
but the new me isn't much better

// so now you've done a little wrong and you need to be forgiven,
by the vicar and the company you keep //

He doesn’t really want to get up, the couch far more comfortable – the nest he’s made himself while Nate had been away, unable to sleep comfortably in the large bed of their bedroom alone. And so he’d perched here. But he’s lifted up by Nate – always stronger than he is, and he manages to stand, wrapped and entangled into his husbands arms until he’s deposited in a chair by the kitchen. He sits with a quiet huff, an arm resting on the armrest of the chair that he can prop his head into to watch Nate move around the kitchen.

But he stretches out his long legs, remaining silent while he works his jaw, until Nate’s grabbing things and still peering at him when a comment falls from his husband’s lips, a snap of the knife through a vegetable that has Sunjata’s gaze shuddering slightly as he moves to rub at his eyes. “I really should have.” Been alone. He grumbles, mostly to himself but he knows Nate can hear it. He takes a long slow inhale and rubs at the side of his face before leaning back in the chair to stare at the ceiling. He’s not sure if he wants to say it or not, but, his cheeks puff up a bit with the sharp exhale, the shake of his head in frustration at himself that he’s sure Nate can feel through the ring. He tries to play it off somewhat offhandedly, “it was Jack,” but a muscle still feathers in his jaw.

His head tilts forward now, chin resting at his chest as he goes to rub at his eyes again, perking up only when Nate says he brought something for him. “…You did?” He asks, feeling a bit more like a prick for this lovely homecoming. The one that was a mess, had fucked Jack, had panicked and became a drunken hungover distraught creature when his husband had been out doing something important and had even come back with a gift for him.

Great job, Sunjata.

// this is the sin that i will confess to release myself
from consequence and everyone can tell //

SUNJATA

NATE

The dark grumble draws Nate’s interest, reluctant as it might be, his chin lifting so his gaze can flick up, finding Sunjata’s focused somewhere on the ceiling. His hands move on autopilot, as mismatched eyes lift to the ceiling as well, looking for the same explanation his husband seems to be. Frustration finds an answer with hesitant curiosity, then yet more surprise as an explanation comes. Nate can’t stop himself. A rough chuckle leaves him, the knife set down on the counter so he can lean towards the attuned and grab his chin gently. ”I didn’t think you were in a joking mood.”

It’s something Nate wants to believe so badly he actually does, for a breath. The show of humour fades though, his hand coming up to rub at his jaw while he stares at Sunjata, wishing his husband would look at him. There are two ways Nate can see this going, two choices he has, and the part of him that has somehow matured manages to shout down his initial reaction. ”Was he better than me or something?” Joking makes it easy to talk around, easy to return to the task of preparing food, though his eyes are on Sunjata more often than not, watching the attuned to see if he’s made the right choice.

”I did.” It feels a little awkward now, though it shouldn’t, and Nate hates that it does. ”I got it in the Grounds. I uh... meant to give it to you sooner but,” he hesitates, not sure if he should laugh or not at what he’s about to say, ”the timing never really felt right.” Hands that are once again busy with a knife and vegetables pause once more so Nate can retrieve a small, plain black box from a pocket on the inside of his jacket, and slide it across to Sunjata. Inside, if the attuned opens it, is a pair of earrings; a feather, elaborately moulded from silver, dangling beneath a smooth blue bead, the clasp above it.

killed my old self
but the new me isn't much better

// so now you've done a little wrong and you need to be forgiven,
by the vicar and the company you keep //

Oh, oh, how he wishes he was in a joking mood. But his chin is grabbed, Nate’s chuckle echoing around the kitchen they haven’t quite filled in yet, steel eyes scanning Nate’s face as he tries to offer a slight quirk of his lip in amusement in response. It fails, immediately, as Nate releases him and Sunjata watches his husband stare back at him and part of him wishes to shy away – to look at cutting board, to the knife and the vegetables there. And he does, for a split second, until Nate’s next words have his gaze and focus snapping with that predatory intent back onto the Ascended. “Gods no.” This is met with a half laugh. “It just… Happened. He tried to take me to the Halenani beforehand and I had to fucking explain about Phoebe and it just…” An exasperated groan leaves him, a hand reaching up to rub at his face again, scratching along the stubble of his beard.

His legs are drawn up slightly, gaze drifting back to the work that Nate does with the knife as he keeps the one hand on his jaw, looking back at Nate a bit more intently at the mention of a gift, how awkward things have become between them, how regret seems to seep through the bond unknowingly by Sunjata, however much he wishes to tamper it down. He is distracted by the gift produced, however, a black box from Nate’s inner pocket. It’s slid across to him and he picks it up, inspecting the box as if he might have some idea what’s in it.

When he comes up empty, however, the attuned opens it and peers at the trinket inside. Two earrings, beautifully crafted, a feather dangling from each with a blue bead. The steel lights up, all the problems of the past weeks slipping away as he lifts one of the earrings out to inspect it closer. “Nate –” he begins, a vibrant smile crossing his face, “these are beautiful. Thank you.” But it does leave the fact if he were to wear both, well, his hearing would suffer a bit. He doesn’t know if Nate knows this, however, and his gaze snaps to his husband with a crooked boyishness within it, already reaching up to pull the earrings out of his ears, the gold well worn. “You know, I haven’t taken these out since they were pierced.” Aside from cleaning and all of that, of course, but it had been before he’d met Nate when Adam had pierced his ears. He doesn’t remember what it was like to hear without them, already the world seems quieter.

But he pulls them out, puts in the gift Nate had gotten him, feels the edge of the feather as it bumps against his jaw. “Everything’s so quiet.” He says after a moment, brows furrowing as he sets the gold set of hEARs into the black box, surprised.

// this is the sin that i will confess to release myself
from consequence and everyone can tell //

SUNJATA

NATE

Sunjata’s words, and his laugh, both serve to relax Nate more than he expected, a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding (that he maybe never would have) is rewarded, bringing with it an easier smile. Making the right choice is rare for him, but it’s something he could get used to. ”He seems to think he was.” Nate rumbles, fingers dropping from his husbands jaw to ghost over the marks left over inked lines, in places that he absolutely considered his. The rest of the explanation is unnecessary, really, though Phoebe’s name makes the ascended’s nose wrinkle. ”If that was your option, maybe it’s better you stayed here.”

It would be a lie to say that Nate wasn’t a tiny bit upset by the news. Who wouldn’t be? But it has nothing to do with Sunjata, and at the end of the day, if it had filled some need he couldn’t, great. Of course, Jack might not find him so forgiving, depending on when they next saw each other. That was a problem for later though.

More pressing, more immediate is the reveal of his gift, Nate’s eyes and hands both dropping back to the counter as thanks leaves his husband. ”I thought they suited you.” It’s the only explanation he offers, out loud at least, embarrassment shutting his lips right. The feather caught my eye first, but the blue, I-I don’t know. It reminded me of you. Thoughts of the ocean, of crackling lightning, of the deep hue of feathers all come to mind, none of them quite right, but none of them wrong either.

”I didn’t know it was that long.” Nate admits, after a low whistle. ”I knew it had been a while though. It’s why I got you something new.” Everything he’s chopped is thrown into the pan, oil drizzled over it and left while Nate once again turns his focus completely to his husband. The gold had suited Sunjata, simple and elegant, in its own way, but the ascended can’t help how much he likes these ones, and not only because he’d picked them out. ”They look good on you.” For once, the rumble is more proud than smug, the feeling matched through the bond, sent over deliberately, along with a healthy smattering of bright love, trying to keep the regret and darkness smothered.

Though, maybe such a quick shift isn’t healthy. Nate can’t make sense of Sunjata’s next words, not sure how they connect with a new pair of rare is, save for the obvious ear.”Quiet? Nothings changed, sonskyn.” The pan still sizzled, wind still buffeted against the walls and windows, trying to find a way in.

killed my old self
but the new me isn't much better

// so now you've done a little wrong and you need to be forgiven,
by the vicar and the company you keep //

Nate’s fingers ghost over the marks left behind and Sunjata finds his gaze drifting from his husband toward the stove, toward anywhere but Nate, even if the tension is relieved if only for a fraction. “Exactly.” He agrees, gaze lifting to meet his husband’s face again as he pulls away, the edge of a smile crossing his face with it, humor finding a way back in. He’s half tempted to rumble something along the lines of ‘I try not to let them hit that spot’ but Jack already had and it had been the one spot that made Sunjata essentially blank as it were, so he leaves it alone. “He seems to think a lot of things.” He rumbles, rebounding back to the prior comment with a decisive roll of his eyes.

But it all dissipates when he focuses on the earrings, pulls the gilded ones out and puts the silver ones in, hearing his husband through the bond as his gaze lifts to meet Nate from where he stands. I love them. He replies back, a crooked smile splashing across his face. The blue that matched navy ink, the blue that matches everything. Hell, blue was even his family colors, the hue on their crest.

As for how long it’s been, a low whistle echoing through the kitchen, the faint sizzle of the pan. His head tilts, feeling the feather bump against his jaw again, that smile remaining as the weight of them feels different, relieving almost, something… different. But Nate’s next words have Sunjata realizing something, and he leans forward toward Nate, reaching out to grab his hand and pull him in close – moving to stand so he can grab the box and wrap an arm around his husband as he pulls out the golden earring to hold up for Nate.

“I’m not sure what they call it, but this one,” he pauses, shifting the earring so that Nate might see the slight etch to the one earring that isn’t found on the other, “is special. It arrived on the doorstep of the Advocates back in the Grounds. I found it, cleaned it, had another made to match and had Adam pierce my ears just to see what it did.” He snorts – how ridiculous it would have been had it done nothing. “It makes voices louder. Especially whispers.” He leans in briefly, pressing a kiss to Nate’s cheek, hovering close enough that when he turns his head back that the earring in his ear brushes against Nate’s skin. “So I won’t be able to hear you as well as I usually do.”

// this is the sin that i will confess to release myself
from consequence and everyone can tell //

SUNJATA