[SE] Felt Like

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

She smiles, lightly amused. But, her mind begs the question: is it too much?

The question reaches her eyes as he moves in closer with that characteristically crooked grin on his face but, she tries to read through it. Only, she doesn't think she can find it; that specific kind of dismay or disappointment or even doubt. Whatever she's watching for, it doesn't manifest.

All she can see are things she doesn't believe she deserves.

Shit, for a second she doesn't know what's worse.

Ever-so-slight panic hitches her breath when Milo's hand finds its way around her and he leans in. Her hands instinctively tighten around him. However, she doesn't push him away. Really she's pulling him in, in spite of herself. She wouldn't turn away from him even if a part of her thought she should.

She can feel the appreciation, can taste the sugar on his lips. She lets free a brief, gentle 'mmm' in her own thanks, curving and relenting her kiss into his. One of her hands reaches up to mingle with his hair, because that's its favorite place to be. A wave of warmth eases over the tension in her mind and muscles.

Suddenly, she grins through the kiss and pulls back to finally give her ribbing answer: "Hmm.. you'd probably wander the beach aimlessly, wondering what you're missing, aye?"

She jokes as if nothing is wrong. Even though the look in her eyes is still off. So she averts her gaze, looking around at anything but him right now. "So.. how'd you end up with this place all to yourself?"

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

She pulls him in and he’s content to drown in her for as long as she lets him. He keeps her close, head tilting into the hand she pulls through a damp tangle of red locks. He can feel her smile into the kiss, feels as she readjusts herself and pulls away slightly to offer her response. He peers at her with amusement, his head tilting slightly as he considers it. “Aye, prolly so.” He murmurs at first, pulling back a bit to take another sip from the wine. “Prolly gettin’ real drunk ‘n stayin’ the night at the Halenani jus’ t’not go home.” He trails off before his gaze is slipping back to her with that same soft edged smile. “Tryin’ t’fill the hole with somethin’ else, I’d bet.” That ended up a bit sadder than he had anticipated, thankful for the subject shift until he realizes what it is she’s asking.

Red brows raise momentarily, and he huffs out a quiet laugh. He glances around the place as well, chews on the inside of his cheek. “Spent some time with somebody from th’Grounds. He made a map shop ‘n offered me a place t’stay.” He pauses as he considers it. “But then he had t’go back t’the Grounds I guess. Wasn’t really a big deal, mostly jus’ friends with a bit’a benefits… But. He let me keep it.” Shoulders shrug before he’s trying to down more of the wine to keep the awkwardness at bay.

He sets the glass down again to slip nearer to her, to let one hand raise and run along one of her arms that’s draped around his neck, calloused fingers rubbing soft lines into her skin.

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

Her hand slips down from his hair as he leans back and drinks from his glass again. Her grin fades when he confirms, adding on his own kind of self-deprecating quip. She hadn't realized that her joke would've been so accurate and potentially hurtful, though. Dark brows wince together and she offers something to soften the blow; a question to distract. But her thoughts linger on his words anyway. She punctuates the awkward air with a swig of her drink.

That is, until he's actually answering. He seems oddly... nervous about it. Aurelia tilts her head to side slightly, curious for why, as she listens. Then it occurs to her as he finishes his statement. Her expression is hesitant as she reflects on it. Should it bother her?

She leans forward, letting go of him, and hops down from the counter, brushing past him. She's taking a better look at this place now, observing what remnants are present, picking at a stray book, realizing what might have gone on in this space. What might have created a hole for her presence to fill.

"Sooo.. he just... up and left you here with all of this? Why?" She turns back to him and asks this with a tone like it is a big deal. The hint of animosity and disbelief in her voice does surprise her, though. She clears her throat awkwardly, biting it back.

Well, she could never imagine doing that. For a multitude of reasons. It doesn't make sense, not to her. Set up shop in a new city, develop a beneficial relationship, and then... just.. dip?

Her arms cross as her mind churns. But her gaze and tone soften, lower as she hesitates to ask, "What if he ever wants it back?"

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

It had gotten a bit darker than anticipated, but Milo attempts to take it in stride – drinking from the wine to drown the frown that wants to cross his face, to awkwardly offer how he’d come about gaining this place. Perhaps it shouldn’t be so strange – it was before he even knew of Aurelia, before everything happened with the smuggler’s guild, before… Well, all of it.

She pulls away from him, hops down from the counter and Milo turns to rest his back and his hip against it as he watches her look around the space. It was pretty empty for the most part, aside from little things here and there from Milo. The tone of her voice takes him by surprise, red brows furrowing slightly. “He, uh, attacked th’prior gov’ner when he was sick ‘n his husband said he’d kill ‘im if he saw ‘im again.” Because that’s what happened at first, right? Sam had launched himself at Remi during the Climb Fever when it hadn’t worked for the Ascended.

But it didn’t end there. He downs the rest of the glass and sets it on the counter, huffing a quiet sigh as he moves to his bedroom. “Then, he accidentally killed someone.” This is admitted a bit quieter, but still loud enough for her to hear as he goes to rifle through the letters and papers left in his room. He returns, moving to hand her the letter so she might read it for herself. “He won’ be wantin’ it back.”

---

A Note for Milo for your viewing pleasure ;D

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

Aurelia doesn't find much, not in the way of evidence of the history Milo's referring to. She doesn't know if she's relieved or disappointed in that. Part of her mind wanders, not fully focused on Milo even though she tries to be. The book she picks up is set back down in its place, but her brows are still pinching together.

When she turns back to look at him, the words 'killed someone' cut through her like a blade. The only physical display of that is a flinch of her brows, no longer furrowed by animosity. There's understanding to replace that look on her face, so much of it.

Slower, she follows and lingers in his doorway, nibbling on the inside of her lip. She grasps the letter in her hand and gives him a questioning look, because there's bits of darkened scarlet stained along the aged paper. But her far-off gaze lowers down to absorb the mess of words jotted down.

"Fuck," she breathes out, brows raising slightly. She can feel the panic, the dread, the regret through the page. She can empathize with it... in a dark way she doesn't want to vocalize.

Its gently folded and handed back to Milo for his safekeeping purposes. Why he would keep it, she isn't sure; it's incriminating evidence against his friend. Maybe it comforts him somehow, though she couldn't imagine how, given the nature of it.

But her gaze softens as she tries to read his emotions for some semblance of how this all impacts him. The quiet tones in his voice and the sighs he emitted, they all leant themselves to how heavy this must have been. "I'm sorry, I.. didn't realize..." she clams up for a moment, but there's something she has to know.

"When you found out, what'd you.." she's faltering on how to put her question, eyes peering up at him with a hint of desperation, "how'd... I mean.. are you upset about it? What he did."

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

Perhaps he’s too drawn into his own thoughts to pay attention to the shift in Aurelia, in the way her brow twitches as he offers her the tidbits of information. But he doesn’t, only noticing the slight look of understanding that has his shoulders shrugging, an act of ‘well there’s nothing to be done now’. But he hands her the letter, leans against the doorframe, and folds his arms across his chest as she reads it.

Really, it isn’t a big deal that he has it. As far as he knows, Sam’s in the Grounds, and being a Grounder meant that there was little that Sunjata could do. Aside from that, Milo’d met Wessex, had fought with her even… And while he wasn’t a fighter, knowing deep down that Sunjata was, even he doubts that the governor would want to take the queen on. Milo knows he wouldn’t dare.

“S’okay.” He assures her, taking the letter back and folding it up, placing it back in the space that had a couple of Sam’s things that were left over that he hasn’t sent to the Grounds yet. But it certainly would explain the bite mark on his neck, given the context of the letter. But he returns to her just as she speaks up again, the question a bit offhand, a bit confusing for Milo that that was what she focused on.

As for what he thought of it? Milo’s shoulders shrug again. “I knew who he killed, if that’s what yer askin’.” His lips purse slightly, a humorless laugh leaving him as he shrugs again. “Not real well, but… I also know Sam was sick. Had th’Climb Fever. I even went t’the Climb t’try ‘n get the cure fer ‘im.” His lips purse slightly as he thinks back on it. His first trip away from home and it was in favor for someone else, to try and help them. “Accidents happen ‘n it’s shitty but. He didn’ know what he was doin’ when he did it. I don’ blame ‘im, not fully ‘nyway.”

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

His obliviousness to her lapse is perhaps what coaxes it out the most, free to dwell and deliberate over herself as Milo is over himself. She's brooding over how she understands the predicament. Not exactly, not in a way that would make this Sam person a kindred spirit of sorts, but... well...

The first time she'd killed someone? That had taken its toll on her. It was still a much different situation, and by all accounts it was legal... it wasn't something she had to run from because of society or law. She didn't understand that part, but she could try... because right now all she wanted to do was run from that part of herself.

There were instincts she had to quell that Milo had no idea about, that most people didn't. Only a select few, and even those... the fact people here knew at all made her uneasy. If she took one single misstep, she might be held accountable for years of mistakes. But... in a way, she knew she deserved that. Part of her wanted that. To pay for what she'd done.

"No-that's not.." for whatever reason, her words peter out. In this moment, just for this moment, she imagines that she can be completely, openly honest with him. That he might forgive her for everything she's done, and take her into his warm embrace so that they might grow.

It's so hauntingly impossible that her eyes water. "It's not that easy," her voice solidifies, forcing her strength to come back, to suffocate the tears. But it comes back as something... a little harsher than strength. "It's not easy to take a life. Losing control isn't an accident... Someone falling into a knife that happens to be in your hand is an accident. I mean.. it seems like he knows what he did was wrong, too." She folds her arms over her chest, inadvertently mirroring Milo's body language, "Your friend... murdered somebody and then ran from the consequences, which is not what you do when you're innocent. How can you be so cool about it? Doesn't it... make you mad? Upset?"

Then, she realizes what she's doing, and she stops. She pushes away from the doorframe to retrieve her glass of wine, to refill it, her back to Milo. She stares down at the liquid as it bubbles and settles. A long breath rolls over her shoulders.

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

She stops him and his honeyed gaze darts to her, drawing silent and watchful as he watches her eyes water, his red brows inching closer together in the confusion that overcomes him. The fact that she dives into it further does have little bells ringing in his mind, bells that she talks from experience, but he doesn’t know if he can ask her if that’s why she feels so intensely about this. Milo’s moved on, accepted it, forgotten about it.

She stops so abruptly that it has his mind in a near whiplash, following her on auto pilot into the larger room, staring at her back as she pours herself another drink. “Isn’t it an accident if yer mind’s gone?” He asks quietly, reserved, swallowing hard against whatever emotion has suddenly flooded his throat. “Were ya here fer it, ‘relia? The Fever? Nobody knew what was goin’ on. Halfa Torchline los’ their minds. Th’Ascended’s were real thirsty, couldn’ stop.” Brows pinch together again before he’s exhaling and running a hand through his hair.

“The previous gov’ner had it. The Armbiter-- Sunjata had it. Nate had it ev’n.” He trails off, detailing out a few people who she might know. “How can I b’upset when they didn’ know what was goin’ on. Sam’s nota killer. If he was he wouldn’ta been so upset ‘bout it. Wouldn’ta left t’not hurt others, right?” A muscle feathers in his jaw but he gives her distance, rebounding back to the thought in his mind.

“Y’sound like yer talkin’ from experience.” It leaves his lips quietly, dully, unsure if he wants to know the answer. “Y’don’t hafta tell me… Jus’.. Forget I asked.” He shakes his head and moves further in, looking for something that’s a bit stronger than the wine to drown himself in for the moment.

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

It wasn't really about Sam. In truth, it made sense for him to run away. Unexpectedly, Aurelia understood him more than she'd initially expected to. Except for the fact that he hadn't been himself or in control of his urges, and he wasn't a killer.

The same could not be said for herself. It stings even if Milo doesn't mean for it to, couldn't know that it does. At first, she couldn't find any words to say. All she she can do is stew over the ones that don't come out.

She sets the drink down without even having any of it. A step is taken after him, wanting to reach out but, she stops.

"Milo..." her voice is quiet.

She can only imagine how upset he'd be if she dragged this out until it truly was unforgiveable. Her heart couldn't take that. She could hardly take it this far. So.. the options are simple. She tells him the truth or... she keeps the truth from him and leaves anyway because she wouldn't be able to do this to him. Or, option C, she tells him the truth and she leaves.

She moves to him and hovers nearby but, not very close. For a moment all there is, all she can feel, is tension.

She braces and... eventually, relents. Pleading eyes look up at his face and her tone sharpens with a promise, "Milo, of course I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything... and I will," she only hesitates when she adds, "if that's what you want."

This is when her eyes fall away, shoulders sag, and the anxiety starts gnawing on her nerves.

"But- there's something you should know about me. About where I come from... who I was... the things I've done," the last part comes out as a breathless whisper, her eyes dragging back to him reluctantly. She doesn't want to find the things she was watching out for just minutes ago but, she knows she will.

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

He doesn’t look at her when she says his name, too focused on searching and rummaging for something strong to give her a glance – perhaps he’s too selfishly afraid of what he might see splashed across her face. So he finds something, pours it into a new glass if only so he doesn’t have to look back at her and see it suddenly so clearly, throwing it back and swallowing against the burn until she’s moved toward him.

And he can’t really avoid it now, not as she speaks. He can see in his peripheral as her shoulders sag, as she slumps slightly and Milo doesn’t know whether he wants to know the answer to it or not. But he turns to her, anyway, swallowing down against the burn he can feel growing in his stomach, the burn that begins to hollow him out as he lets his gaze linger on her face.

He’s silent for a while, unsure how to begin. “’m no stranger t’losin’ people.” He offers at first, pausing to work his jaw, to figure out just what he wants to say. “’n I know this place’ll make killers outta all’ve us at some point. I dunno fully what it was like where yer from. I don’t… Wanna make ya relive it if ya don’ want to.” He can’t help the way his brows edge closer together.

Get ahold of yourself, Milo.

A hand lifts to tear through his hair, to rest at the back of his neck, torn between wanting to forget that it was even brought up – regretting it when they were having such a nice night, how he had ruined it all because she’d asked too probing questions when Milo was simply content to ignore most of everything if only to keep the peace.

He was a peace keeper, not a conflict starter. He doesn’t know how to deal with it.

“What ‘m sayin’ is… ‘m sorry I ruined th’night. I didn’ mean to.” This comes out quietly, a forced half smile crossing his face.

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

Aurelia's dead silent when he turns to her. Their eyes meet for a brief moment but, her gaze focuses somewhere on the collar of his shirt because she just can't bring herself to look right at him. His words are heavy and elicit an internal reaction that makes her feel sorry, too. She shifts her weight, taking a fraction of a step closer, but she holds back again. She wants to tell him he won't lose her.

Is that truly a promise she can keep? Especially now, when half of her wants to save him the pain of being involved with her - even though it's already too late for that.

Her eyes wander back up to his face, watching his hand brush through his hair. She can see the stress this is causing, the way it flusters him, the way he doesn't quite know what to say to fix this. But she can see that he's trying, she's grateful for it, and now it's her that doesn't know what to say. When, moments ago, she'd been so ready to barrage through her life story for him. Without bias, to let him judge what there is to.

Until he apologizes, which sends a baffled look across Aurelia's face and blows up whatever line of thought she was having.

"It's not your fault," the words come out firmer than she meant them to. She continues more gently, though, "I'm the one that should be sorry." She pushes away the selfish instinct to cling to the out he's giving her.

Stepping back, she says, "Milo, I was.. I come from a world where magic.. any kind of magic, was strictly forbidden. There was a war- way before my lifetime, and all I knew growing up was that magic was wrong. Destructive, evil. Especially after my father was killed... everyone that used it-" she shakes her head, sucks in a sharp, short breath, looking away with a dark expression, "they all became the person that killed my dad. I was so full of hate and anger and.. emotions I didn't know how to deal with, and half the time," she tilts her head and lifts her shoulders stiffly in a shrug of sorts, "I still feel like I'm barely holding on." She laughs at this, but it's mirthless, and there's tears forming in her eyes.

"And after my mom died, I was all my sisters had left. We were barely making it. I got offered this job... and.. I couldn't afford to say no." She grits her teeth and grimaces, because now all there is left to tell is the hardest part. She meets his gaze in spite of it all, because she has to, even if her voice cracks. "I was hired to kill people that broke the law- people like you- and I- did-" she's trying to hold back because she knows she shouldn't be crying, doesn't deserve to, but, her words come out in sobs that choke, "I- I'm sorry- if I could take it back-" I would.

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

Isn’t it his fault? To some degree? To move into a space that was for him and someone else and to expect her to not question why the other had disappeared? Not die, but leave?  As for her being sorry, he wants to shake his head, to take all the blame on his shoulders, and he’s ready to – ready until she steps back and his hand rests at the back of his neck, honeyed eyes focusing on her as she goes to explain.

And he’s silent, still, statuesque in the way he watches her f ace, the way she describes what it was like. And she had told him bits and pieces, of how her father had died in a fire. She had conveniently left out the fact that magic was forbidden, that it was something to be fearful of, and here he was galivanting it without asking--

But it gets worse, it gets so much worse as she continues. All Milo can do is work his jaw, to let his gaze narrow, selfishly wanting to both hide away and take this face on. His lips part, half of him prepared to ask her if she was a killer too, but then she elaborates further and it stills him. The hand at the back of his neck drops, their eyes meeting, confusion and sorrow looming in the dark hues of his gaze when she tells him people like you.

And perhaps it shouldn’t hurt so bad, but Milo is inexperienced in Outlander’s lives. He doesn’t know the circumstances of people’s lives elsewhere. He only knows his.

And she apologizes, but all Milo can do is try to process it, to take a step back that has his hip bumping into the countertop, hands falling to rest against the slab of stone used atop it. He flounders internally, mentally, unable to try and word what he wants to say, completely unsure of what he wants to say as well. Eventually, he settles on something, swallowing against the burn and anxiety in his throat.

“I nev’r asked t’be like this.” He says quietly at first, his gaze drifting away from her to stare at the floor. He works his jaw again and again. “I nev’r wanted magic. I’m th’only one, y’know? Th’only Kydd with magic.” It’s selfish, he knows this, to be explaining it this way. But his head tilts and he exhales a sharp sigh. “We’re Abandoned fer a reason. Th’gods don’ even like us.” His brows pinch, his eyes squint a bit as he tries to fight through the range of emotions he wishes would hide away from his face.

It doesn’t really work. “Do… Do y’still feel that way?” It comes out as a whisper, his grip tight on the stone counter, his knuckles white. “’n I showed ya m’magic ‘n ya panicked… I…” He shakes his head, loosening his grip to lift his hand to rub at his jaw. He wants to understand, to rationalize it, but there’s some deeper fear of his – one where perhaps she wouldn’t realize at some point that she wasn’t back home, that she’d mistake him for a ghost her past.

“D’ya wanna hurt me, ‘relia?”

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

The pain in his gaze is evident and the fact that it's because of her makes it that much easier for tears to slide down her cheeks. All she can keep thinking is that she's sorry, sorry to be who she is, sorry to be dragging him into her mess, just.. sorry. It isn't supposed to be like this. She wanted to leave it all behind, to make it so that she didn't ever have to tell him this. Hurt him like this. Bitterly, she bites back her tears, her teeth cutting into her lip.

"I know..." she mumbles somberly through the coppery taste. It mixes with her mess of tears and saliva. "Everything was so different, Milo," her hand pushes back hair that's fallen towards her face and around her cheeks, and she pulls in a shaking breath of air. "I'm sorry," the words are barely audible, impactless, meaningless; not enough to convey the regret and turmoil and self-hatred she feels.

Her eyes flinch, startled by his question, by the implication that follows. However, it's nothing compared to the hurt that twists her features after he asks if she'd want to hurt him. Her lips part and... nothing comes out. She forces her expression to straighten out. It's fair... what he's asking. It doesn't matter how she feels about it because it's completely fair.

"No," her gaze more fully connects with his, summoning some amount of strength and clarity into her voice. She uses the back of her sleeve to wipe her face. A heavy sigh leaves her. For several long, excruciating minutes, that's all she can give him.

"I got... scared.. when I saw you use your magic.." her eyes lift up at him, glazed, "but it wasn't because of you. You didn't do anything wrong. I-I know that, and I know you'd never hurt me or.. anybody, I just..." she pauses, because words aren't easy for her to find right now either.

"Please believe me when I say that I will never hurt you, not for anything." In that moment, she doesn't care if it's a realistic promise, only that it's one she intends to keep. Or damn it all.

Her feet shy in his direction, her fingers moving slowly over the countertop. She lingers near but, she's afraid that he doesn't want her to touch him, so she doesn't. "I said I'd fight for you. I meant that... I care about you, Milo. That's why I had to tell you. I don't want to keep things from you, even if it means.." she looks down, letting out a long breath through her nose, "even if it means that don't want me around."

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

She’s crying and he wants to do something to help but he’s also suddenly afraid, worried she might lash out at him despite the words she says that are aimed to soothe. It’s like a shot through the heart, aimed so perfectly with a ‘just like you’ that it feels like it’s ripped it out completely. She tries to offer her own apologies, that things were different, and gods how he wants to understand. He wants to understand why genocide on a group of people was a good idea.

But he can’t. He might never be able to understand.

And perhaps that’s the hardest part, as he asks his question and her shimmering gaze finds his, surprised himself to find his own eyes glistening and a hard set to his jaw. He hears her out, because he wants to understand so badly--

And she continues.

“I want to.” It’s nearly a whisper, said so quietly that his accent muffles the majority of it, his gaze dropping from her so he can turn away, suck in a cool breath as she moves closer to him. She gives him an out, now, how he could ask her to leave while he processes it. He doesn’t know if he wants that. He doesn’t know what he wants.

His heart hurts, his head sways, and gifts are strewn about the room of what Milo had the naïve thought was love when it seemed he hardly knew anything about her. What was it Zeph said? Don’t fall in love? Don’t get attached? Perhaps he should have listened.

But no, no, no – she feels the same. He knows it, deep down somewhere among the murky waters within him. “Don’t go.” His head tilts toward her then, the hand extended toward her to maybe grasp her own, but he doesn’t make the move to. He lets her decide. “Jus… I wanna know. Ev’’rythin’. No more secrets. ‘n try t’help me understand.” This is quieter, sadder, a hollow sensation reverberating through the tones of his voice.

The offer is there. To understand. To start over.

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth