[SE] Felt Like

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

Shadows fall over her face, a different darkness, one not already present. She knows what it means. Even if he wants to, he can't. Slowly, her gaze levels on his reaching hand, and she gulps, the muscles in her lower jaw flexing. She wants to take it. She's never wanted to do something so bad but, she can't. A feeling festers inside of her. She's never been good at things like this, she doesn't know what she's supposed to say.

Her hand pushes away from the countertop and she steps closer to him, into his space. "Why not?" She can feel her heart break in the cracks of those two little words. It's inciting more familiar emotions. Emotions easier for her to navigate because it doesn't mean having to feel pain, because it's easier to push him away and be alone. But, damn it, she doesn't want to do that either. The confliction is like a knife that twists in her heart no matter what way she decides to go. She wishes she could disappear, could run away.

Her hand reaches for his, passing over his wrist where the sea-glass is bound to him, and for a moment she knows that he's all she wants. But she stiffens against the urge to relent into him. "How could someone like you ever understand someone like me?" Her voice is paled by pain that tosses like a tide, crashing against the walls that come crumbling down, "I hate who I am and so should you. You shouldn't understand, I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve it, Milo, I don't, I don't, I don't," She shakes with the words, pulling away from him and bringing a hand up to catch the tears that spill out.

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

She doesn’t take his hand. But she does approach closer and Milo’s able to round his emotions into something that can at least face her, swallowing down the tightness of his throat as he focuses on her – not her face, but her shoulders, sometimes a glance beyond her. “’Cause I don’ want ya t’go.” He admits quietly. It’s a lot for him, the fearful one, the runner to face a fear that’s suddenly settled deep in his heart. But she had assured him, she had told him that she didn’t want to hurt him.

He wants to believe her so badly.

Her hand ghosts against the gift she’d given him, still wrapped around his wrist – he doesn’t think he could take it off if he even wanted to. It was bound to him just as she had so swiftly become, a person whom he’d latched onto when he’d hardly had much else to go with. She’d restored some of his sanity, she’d offered him a sanctuary to where he could simply be himself…

And she hadn’t done the same.

Part of him wonders how much was real to her, whether or not she’d lied to protect him from the truth or whether it hurt more barbing herself over the spikes of her past that she didn’t want to show to him. But he looks, swimming honeyed eyes rising to her face as she crumbles and he wants to reach for her, but she hadn’t closed the distance either and he doesn’t know what to do. “I can’t.” He tells her simply. He can’t understand. “Doesn’ mean I can’t try to.” Comes the follow-up, the truth of why he wants to know.

But she shakes and pulls away from him and tears fall so swiftly that his heart breaks further and Milo decides to go against his instincts for once. Not to run, not to hide away and pretend he’s fine through laughter and jokes and drinking. He takes a shuddering breath, a step toward her, hoping to wrap her into his chest. “I don’ hate you.” How could he? He was… Terrified of her. But he could never hate her. “Listen t’me.” He manages despite his voice cracking, hoping to press his cheek against the crown of her head. “I don’ hate you, ‘relia.” I’m just scared.

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

She's barring her face, turning, pulling, breaking. She can't bear looking at him as he says it, as he says that he can't understand. Fully aware of what she's just said, but it still hurts to know it's true; to hear it said back to her. His arms are suddenly around her and at, first, she doesn't want to let him. It's right when she feels like she's about to fall over that indescribable edge, that dark place everyone has inside of them but so few are actually driven to. She's been there many times. Her world has fallen apart many times, only to start again in the morning, and she's preparing for that again, now.

But as she looks at him, she's pulled back from that edge, from that ending. Instead, she's pulled back into him and she goes willingly - even if a part of her feels wrong for it. She does more than relent, she burrows into him and her hands tighten around so that her fingers can curl against his back, tugging on the material of his shirt. His embrace is enough for her to release everything she's been pushing back... for far longer than just one night. It all comes out like an ocean, and the tension in her body leaves with it in waves, but the sobs are stifled into his chest.

"I didn't know any other way to take care of them, but I couldn't lose them, so I-" took the job. Though she's lost her sisters anyway, and perhaps that's the part that makes it so much worse, so much less worth it, "they were all I had. I miss them so much and they don't even know what happened to me," it's muffled by his shirt, because she doesn't know if she can let go. "All I wanted was justice... I wanted to find the person that killed my dad... but I lost myself in it... and I killed people that... sometimes, I didn't even ask questions... I don't even know who I am now, now that it's all gone, now all I'm left with is.. myself."

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

He doesn’t want to lie to her. He doesn’t want to tell her that he’ll understand, that one day he could figure it out, that he might be able to put himself in her place back on that other world and do exactly what she did. But he’d be lying. It could take years and he’s still not sure he’d understand it all. And that wasn’t her fault, that was simply how it was. And despite Milo’s relatively not sheltered upbringing, he had been sheltered from the Outlanders for a good majority of time.

But he wraps his arms around her, he can feel her tense up, and he’s prepared to let her go the minute she decides she doesn’t want this. He nearly holds his breath in anticipation of it. Only… It doesn’t come, she scans his face and he can’t hide the sorrow and sadness that flicker through his swimming gaze. But she comes back. And he buries his face along the top of her head, taking in the scent of her to try and steady himself.

Would he do the same as she did? For his family? He doesn’t know. He wants to say that he would, but he still doesn’t want to lie to her. And so he listens, takes a few sharp breaths because he’s just now remembered his lungs. He can hardly hear her through the muffling of her shirt and the terror that drowns in his ears, but he tries, strains himself to listen.

And when she doesn’t attack him, when she doesn’t fight back at him, he manages to exhale a shuddering sigh, to pull her tighter and press a hand into her dark hair. “Y’got me.” He murmurs softly, even if it terrifies him, even if he feels like a rabbit stuck in a trap. Maybe one day he wouldn’t. Maybe one day he’d realize that the trap wasn’t ever there in the first place. Maybe one day he’d be able to believe she’s right in how she’s changed.

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

His breaths are short, quick - and she can feel it because she's pressed there against his chest. She can hear the cutting breaths he takes, can feel the emotion whirling around in him with each breath of air. Just the same as it whirls within her. Her next breath comes in a hiccup, a sniffle the only thing to snuff out her tears.

It was all incredibly hard, looking back on it. Even if, at the time, she'd blinded herself and done what she thought she had to. It was still hard, because now all she's left with is a drowning, blackening.. pit of regret. There's a part of her she can't ignore, can't forget, can't... pretend never happened. She'll never be without that darker part of herself. But she doesn't know what to do about it, either, even if she wants to be better, wants to change, wants to do more than that. She wants to give back, she wants to take away the pain and fear instead of inflict it.

The past still can't be denied, though. She shrugs away from him, her hands pull back. All she can look at is the damp spot she's left on his chest. Her lips remain twisted down by a deep and furrowing grief, one he'd never understand. But one of her hands grasps for his arm, for the strength she knows is there. It takes her back to the night she met him, to the night where he made everything feel.. like it would be okay.

"I don't wanna lose you," She pushes her voice out through a stuttering breath, using the back of her sleeve to wipe her eyes. "But-" the words she's trying to say are strangling, "I'm sorry. But you're never gonna look at me the same, but I'll tell you," her gaze swims up towards his, "I'll tell you anything."

"Just give me a.. give me a second," she lets go then, stepping back, turning away, sucking in a breath. She's trying to steady herself, so she moves away, away from the fear and dread in his gaze. Away from the self-doubt, away from... the suffocating cloud that shrouds around them in that moment. Even if it hurts to move against him, even if all she wants to do is hug him and tell him it'll be alright, she doesn't know how to. It doesn't feel alright, and she doesn't want to lie anymore.

Her hands clasp against her sides as she wanders around the loft, looking around at the small things that dot shelves or walls. It's throttling, to experience such strong emotions in so little a time, and she knows he must feel it too; that helpless, heavy feeling. It weighs her down into the cushion of a couch, even if she's tense, even if there's not a hint of relaxation in her physique.

Her fingers rub along the threads that hold the material together, thinking about how her threads have long since come undone, and what was left to hold her together... being little else than her own will. Her grip tightens for a moment, her eyes glaze over again, but it disappears as she resolves against it. Her words come out tense, as if she can barely get them through her teeth.

"There's not much else to say.. but, I can at least tell you... how I ended up here. I had a job," she pulls clasped hands up against her chin and lips, slouching down over her legs, "This man.. was dangerous, he'd killed a lot of people, hunters like me. And other people.." her brows furrow, "not everyone I went after... was innocent. Some people really were evil, Milo. But I should never have taken the case anyway. Should never have gotten involved with the job, it was too close to home." She closes her eyes for a moment before continuing, before training her gaze on a spot on the wall, "He had.. abilities we didn't know about, weren't expecting. My partner... he trained me, made me what I am... he nearly died. I went ahead without him, thought that if I could catch the guy, that maybe I could... I don't know. But.. even when I found him... he almost killed me." She lifts her chin up and leans back, thinking back on it with more clarity than earlier, even if it was drowned in misery and emotions. "He cast some sort of spell that paralyzed me. I couldn't move.. or breathe.. or, do anything," her hands ravel towards her abdomen again, to that same place, to her core, where she could still feel some of that dark power lingering within her being. "And then everything was gone. I mean.. everything. The world around me vanished. And it didn't take long before I was suddenly on the port, here in... some other world."

An elbow leans against the arm of the couch and her hand is on her forehead, fingers tangling into her hair. Her eyes close, puffy and red and sore. She sighs, dreading. Her gaze seeks out Milo eventually. "Jack's the one who found me... told me that I'd never be able to go back home, told me that magic's not always evil. I'd never heard someone say that so openly before... I never... I never knew how wrong it all was until I got here."

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

He’d be content to hold her for as long as she needed, even if he felt like a rabbit in a case, as if she could lash out at any time. But the longer he thinks on it, the more he realizes that she could have done it this entire time and he’d have been nonethewiser. So what changed? Why was he terrified now after learning the truth when she didn’t have to tell him in the first place? When he had been in her grasp time and time again and she’d done nothing but love him and appreciate him, even if he’d been careless in his magic showing.

It’s the thought that calms him enough to not worry that she’ll bolt when she pulls away from him. He lets her go, letting her get as much space and breathing room as she requires, his own hand lifting to wipe away the tears on his face now that he’s managed to quell it. Her voice pulls him out of it, a sniffle that sounds rather pitiful in comparison to everything else as his dark gaze regards her again.

“You don’t hafta lose me.” He assures her quietly, even though his voice sounds small and not at all confident in his ears. But he gives her the second, the moments she takes to steady herself. Eventually she settles on the couch and he only approaches when her lips part to speak again, to offer more, and he moves closer to her to lean against the counter nearby it, his muscles tense in his jaw as he listens.

Red brows furrow as she explains further and further what brought her here. And the fact that she was alive does give him some relief, but when it came to those that used magic for evil, could he blame her for hunting them down? No. No he couldn’t. So his feet move before his mind can, stepping closer until he’s perched on the edge of the couch beside her but still giving her enough breathing room as he considers everything. “I see.” He murmurs his explanation at the beginning, running a hand through his hair, sucking down another easy breath now that his heart has calmed.

He’s not sure what to say to it, but he tries regardless, his head tilting toward her to catch her gaze. “Is that why y’got all those scars?” He asks quietly, lips forming a soft frown. “’Cause y’were fightin’ all those people?” The answer to that doesn’t bother him much, if he’s being honest. “’m jus’ glad yer okay.” This is said with as much honesty as he can. “I guess… It’s gotta be like when I go somewhere that ain’t Torchline.” He hasn’t done it much, but everything felt too different and he was far too homesick to figure it out. “’m sorry.” It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but he tries to offer it to her regardless. Sorry she’d lost everything. Sorry he’d freaked out. Sorry for her life being so backwards before arriving here. Sorry for all of it.

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

She can only nod sadly when he assures her. Even if she wants to lean on that, her gut twists painfully at the frailty of his words, at the frailty of the truth. If there's anything her life has taught her, it's that the people you love are so fragile. Any of them could be gone in an instant.

Her legs shift so she can face him as he plants himself nearer, watching him as he works through it. Her gaze only drops at his question and she nods slowly, a mixture of emotions flowing through her gaze. Normally, she's proud of her scars. Around Milo, she feels ashamed of them. They taint her in a subtle yet vital way.

"A lot of my scars are from that part of my life. If not, they're from other shit that's tried to kill me," she admits with a bitter taste in her mouth. Her hand shifts from her hair towards the spot on her shoulder where there is a large scar, one that's not visible beneath her shirt but that he might remember anyway. "This one is from another bounty hunter. They didn't want any competition, I guess," she sighs, tired, remembering how they'd ambushed her from above, "I'm lucky my partner was there. He saved my life countless times. You have him to thank for my being okay. At least, in that regard. He's also.. the one who got me the job so, maybe you shouldn't thank him," she laughs softly, sadly, and presses her knuckles up to her lips.

She pointedly lets a few minutes pass so he can swallow it all and process further, or whatever he needs to do. She knows this is hard for him, too, and she's trying to be understanding of that, trying not to lay things too heavily on him - though it's a bit late for that.

Her green eyes soften and the wrinkles in her brow fade as a look of very deep appreciation flashes across her face. Her hand reaches out to brush over his shoulder, squeezing it. She smiles softly. Though it's small and lackluster and just barely reaches her eyes, she tries to make it reassuring. She doesn't know how else to let him know that he doesn't need to face it all alone, either.

"Thank you..." her voice cracks a little and her eyes burn from keeping her tears at bay, "It means a lot that you're trying." Everything, even, but she's afraid to say it.

"If you want to know anything else, all you have to do is ask, and I'll answer. Anything, it doesn't have to be about... that, if you don't want it to be," she tilts her head slightly to search his gaze, feeling a tender sort of compassion rise to her own eyes. Her hand remains there on his shoulder and she inches slowly closer, equal parts trying to comfort him as she is herself.

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

He tries so badly to understand, to tell her that he’s there with her, even if it frightens him. But he questions her scars, wanting to learn more about them, refraining from reaching out to run his hands along the ones he knows of. He doesn’t want her ashamed of them. And maybe one day when his healing has gotten stronger he can remove those memories for her if she ever wanted him to. But he wouldn’t force her, gods knew he didn’t have a leg to stand on. The fact that she was doing this was more than enough that she trusted him and wanted to tell him the truth, even if it was a horrible, sad truth.

It was still the truth.

So he listens to her, because that’s all he can offer her at the moment. A nod is given at the mention of her partner, his lips quirking slightly as the pieces start to fall together and it makes sense even if it was something he didn’t like. It was for survival, right? Survival for her and her family even if it was backwards and awful.

And he processes it, his head and attention turning to her as she brushes her hand along his shoulder, Milo allowing himself to lean into the touch slightly, to breathe a bit easier around her. He nods to her thank you, unsure of what he could even say in response to it. But she continues, and Milo finds himself turning toward her, opening his arms for her to enter them in a soft, gentle hug. “Thank you… Fer tellin’ me.” It was hard for her, that much is evident. “I might have some questions later… Fer now, tho, I jus’ wanna hold ya for a bit if that’s okay.”

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

Aurelia's not expecting anything from him, not at this point. So when he turns to her and opens his arms, her emotions are stirred back up. These feel different than before, both heavy and light at the same time, and she doesn't want to cry out of misery anymore but, out of relief. She pauses, lips trembling, but she won't keep wrestling with her want for him. The urge to envelope him in her arms is too overwhelming now.

The hand on his shoulder swoops in as she throws her arms around him in contrast to his gentle permission. She pulls him closer, pulls herself closer. She's been holding back from him this whole time, and it hurt. All she wants to do is hug him, kiss him, never let him go for as long as he lets her hold on. And she would, too, she'd hold on so tight. Her grip on him subconsciously squeezes.

A silent stream of tears flows down from her face and onto his skin, where she buries her nose and lips into the curve of his neck. "I'm sorry 'm such a mess," she murmurs, barely able to get the words out.

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

She accepts his open arms, nearly flying herself into them with a wobble of her lip – and perhaps he’s got this all wrong. All he can do is wrap his arms around her tightly, to bury his face into her neck, into her hair, to smell the scent of the salty ocean and the Ark on her skin, the salty scent of tears that had streamed down her face, and he breathes easier.

His arms are tight around her just as hers are around his, the squeeze nearly tight enough that it’s hard for him to breathe. He doesn’t mind it, not at all. In stark contrast to the last hour, his mind fixes itself, a bit of heavy relief spreading through him as he holds her through her tears and his head angles against her own, pressing in. “It’s okay.” He assures her, a whispered breath.

He isn’t that much of a mess in comparison, but he could be. In fact, he’s holding himself together quite well all things considered. All because of her. “’m glad ya told me.” He repeats, his hand slipping up to run through her hair, to press against the back of her neck. “’n if I do anythin’ that makes ya panic, can ya tell me? Should I warn ya ‘fore I do any magic?” He asks, a bit more coherently, not having shirt or skin to block the tones of his accented voice through the air.

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

She keeps her face tucked in against him, even when she feels him press in against her and he assures her. His warm breath on her skin sends a shudder through her own lungs. She sighs it out into his shoulder. Her grip around him slowly softens so that he can actually breathe. However, she doesn't intend on letting go just then, especially not while she's actively a blubbering mess. A headache has even started to pulse against her brow.

He asks her something, though, and she wants to answer him. So she pulls back a little, staying in close proximity but allowing breathing room. She moves her hair out of her face again and wipes one of her cheeks, eyes averting. It takes her a moment to register his words and deliberate over what to tell him.

She shakes her head bitterly, hating this, torn between two different answers. Her eyes veer back towards him as she starts, "I don't know. That's the first time that's happened to me. That's the first time I really, actually panicked because of it. When other people have used their magic around me, even when you have, that's never... I mean, it's made me tense, but.." she shakes her head slowly, "The.. the way that it looked, it's like it.. jogged my memory. I don't fully understand it... but, it was hard to say something in the moment... It felt like it was happening all over again," she grimaces, "and I mean, what am I supposed to say? 'Hey, I'm freaking out because you're being harmless'? I don't... wanna do that to you."

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

His question is aired and he feels her pull away slightly, a bit of breathing room between them, and Milo can’t help but to let his honeyed gaze soften a fraction as he watches her face, watches as she tugs the hair that clings to her face out of the way. His arms still remain around her, loosely but still so he remains close.

She tries to rationalize it, but there isn’t really a way to rationalize it. All he can do is reach up with a hand, moves her hair out of the way and tries to wipe away the tears that had stuck to her face in a sticky river along her face. “I would’a been confused ‘fore… But I think now I’d like t’know so I don’ make ya upset.” It isn’t like he’d be upset by it now. He gets it, to an extent, why she might have panicked with it if it had been as bad as she says it had been.

And the last thing he wants to do is remind her of that, regardless of what she did in a world that had vastly different rules and reasons for things than Caido does. He wants to try and make her as happy as he can, even if it meant being careful with his magic.

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth

Aurelia

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
like I'm close to something real

She shifts to lean her shoulder in against his chest, feeling exhausted. She knows, deep down.. that he's right. After all, when Sunjata had been more communicative about his abilities, it made things easier to adjust to in the moment. Made it easier to prepare herself mentally, to run it through her own mind that she's here, not there, things are different, so on and so forth.

"Okay..." after a moment, she lets out a soft sigh, more agreeable, "fine."

"But I have to get used to it eventually, Milo," her tone hardens again, because it's true. She may have less patience with herself on that front than Milo does at this point, though. "I can't keep letting it get to me like that. I have to change my reaction, sooner rather than later. Especially since I have.. my own abilities, too," Her eyes lift and then drop back down as she settles her cheek against his shoulder, "So, if you want to, then... would you help me work through it? 'Cause I could really use it."

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
somewhere to belong

code credits go to Skylark!<3

MILO

the hope and the hurt has lived inside of me
but there's gold in the dirt

She becomes agreeable, and Milo exhales a quiet sigh of relief on his own, shifting slightly on the couch to better accommodate her against his shoulder and chest. His hand idly rubs along her back, gently and in slow strokes as he listens to her explanation, his head nodding along as he considers what exactly they could do about it. “D’ya wanna train with it?” He asks after a moment, pausing to nibble on his lower lip.

It would make the most sense, he thinks. “’n if ya want to, I can start t’use it more so you get… What’s th’word?” His brows pinch slightly, his hand pausing in its gentle rubbing against her back. “Desensitize?” He says it slowly, trying to form the words in a way that didn’t have so much of his accent to them, before he’s settling back in again and picking up where he left off. “’Course I’ll work through it with ya, ‘Relia.” He murmurs softly, imagining that it’s the best that they could come up with at this moment.

It gets her used to it, and it gets him to become more comfortable with the idea that she won’t just snap one day and take it out on him. A happy compromise, right?

i never took the time to see
but i knew of its worth