may the bridges i have burned light my way back home

i'll love you till the day i die, even if it's just a bold face hell of a pretty lie

“How long… As in today? Or when did it start?” He asks her with an air of playfulness, albeit tired. He’s done it for years, though he does remember when it started. As for how long he’s done it today? He doesn’t know when he started. It’s always been tense. At her explanation of her upgrade, however, he’s nodding with interest, wondering just how her upgrade worked — if it just pinpointed or X-rayed, either way he settles and brings the wing in question forward for her to look. “Be my guest, then.” A small offering.

For him to have writhed through an hour of nothing memorable coming to mind. It sinks in his stomach, Sunjata finding that he’d rather find out sooner than later. Rip the bandaid off. “We can talk about it now. I’ll be fine.” He assures her, sure that the food she’d sent away for would be here soon enough anyway, sure that him stewing in his anxieties and worries wouldn’t make it easier.

SUNJATA

Isla take your medicine "Just in general," Isla replies with a somewhat playful smile of her own. "It's a stress habit is all. It can cause headaches, disturb your sleep, that sort of thing." She has a feeling he hardly needs that explaining, though. Instead, Isla stands and moves closer to the bound wing to get in range of her upgrade, blue eyes flashing as she examines the appendage. She winces - it's brutal, no other way to put it, but Nate has done all that Isla would do in the same situation. "It's healing, albeit slowly," she tells him, returning to her seat. "If it gets knocked around or you want me to take a look at it again, just let me know." Another brief smile - talking through everything minor before getting to the big stuff. But he'd like to know now, and Isla doesn't even look at him as he explains he'll be fine. The next few minutes will decide that. Nibbling at the inside of her cheek, Isla leans her elbows on her knees as he begins, slowly and without emotion. "Sunjata, the reason you've been having so much trouble sleeping and remembering things is because the sleeping medicine you've been taking is not sleeping medicine." She turns the vial in her hands. "I observed you and I tested a sample of the medicine once you were asleep - you've been administering yourself with a powerful psychadelic every time you go to bed." There's a note of apology there now, perhaps, Isla glancing up at his face. "The reason you fell asleep after that hour with me is due to a legitimate sedative that I gave you. It seems to have worked, given the rest you were able to get."

i'll love you till the day i die, even if it's just a bold face hell of a pretty lie

In general, well, nails it down to when he was eight years old. A reaction to him learning when to bite his tongue and to stop asking questions, to clench his jaw instead of airing the worries and thoughts that crossed his mind. “Twenty years.” He offers quietly, nodding to the list of symptoms that she’d given him. It made sense, but he knows that’s not what’s caused all of this. But they hide their time a bit longer, Sunjata watching as she inspects his wing, catching the flash of her eyes as she does so. “Do you know if it heals at all when it’s not partially shifted?” He asks, not expecting her to know the answer to that, but hoping she might anyway.

To know that it is healing, however, is a boon before everything else crashes down. His eyes follow the vial, his jaw clenching again despite the throb of his head. She tells him it’s not medicine, she tells him it’s actual purpose, and his brows furrow together as he leans forward a fraction. “That can’t be.” He utters quietly, wanting to shake his head but feeling the nausea roil in. “That’s what I was given…” Unless Vai had made a mistake, which is possible, he supposes. He just wished he knew before now.

He exhales a sigh as her gaze finds his and he leans back, lips twisting and quirking as he hears the rest of what she has to say. “So, it was bad, then.” His tone is flat, exhaustion and worry and disbelief coating every accented syllable.

SUNJATA

Isla take your medicine "That is a long time to be stressed," Isla remarks with a wry smile flashed in his direction. "If you ever feel like breaking the habit, I'll see what I can do to help. Between Nate and I you will practically have a private hospital at your disposal." And then there's his wing, which is territory that Isla knows very little about, but she's thoroughly interested in it regardless. "Well, unless you've had it out the whole time since it's been broken, I can only assume it continues to heal when you aren't shifted. I wouldn't know though, honestly..." But back to the real matter at hand. She swallows, wanting to believe what he says, not wanting to think that a mistake so colossal could be made. "Are you certain?" she asks anyway, wanting to double check. Either way, what's done is done, and she offers him the envelope instead. "In here are a few more doses of the sedative I gave you earlier. They're pre-packaged, so you don't need to measure anything - just dissolve it in a glass of water. You will know it's the right medicine, because it smells like peppermint," she explains. Was it bad, though? Yes. But not as bad as it might have been. "You held it together well, through some severe audio-visual hallucinations. You agreed to the sedation, though, and took it willingly. So it could have been a lot worse. If you have any questions, I'm here to help piece things together for you."

i'll love you till the day i die, even if it's just a bold face hell of a pretty lie

“My upbringing was… Traumatic, to say the least.” He explains in a way that doesn’t divulge much information, not like he had hours ago during his event. But he takes her words into consideration, offering a small nod, realizing that between her and Nate and everyone else that he should be fixed and abled quite easily. As for healing, well, he tends to keep it in when out in public, pulling it out as he gets home for the day. Perhaps it would heal more being out longer, but that’s a test for later.

Because the information has him sagging into the chair, confusion and disbelief clear along his features, her question of whether he was sure only adding more to the worry quelled within him. “I’m positive. She set it by the bed before I went to sleep and when I woke up, I grabbed it and left.” That’s exactly what happened, so how could something so terrible as this have happened when the bottle hadn’t even moved (as far as he knew)?

The envelope is handed to him and he reaches out to take it, nodding with the instructions and internally not trusting himself enough (understandably so) to be the one to do it. So he takes it, is sure to have Nate look at it and be sure too, before he ends up taking it in the future. But his question is aired and his tone is flat, Isla quick to add in that he handled it well, despite feeling everything but that. “Oh.” He says softly, chewing at the inside of his cheek until it’s raw. And perhaps he doesn’t want to know the answer to the question but his curiosity knows no bounds. “I don’t remember anything but the talk of mansions. I don’t know how we got there or what happened after.” He frowns, internally beating against himself to try and remember any little thing.

SUNJATA

Isla take your medicine "That certainly explains why your experiences of this drug were unpleasant," Isla murmurs, letting him reveal as much or as little as he needs to. It's true that she knows more by now, but sometimes her confidentiality includes her own patients unless she's told otherwise. And Sunjata does want to know, as it turns out, so Isla steels herself to explain. As for the medicine, she can only shake her head. "Perhaps you could speak to the person who gave it to you. Perhaps it was a mistake." Regardless, it's a pretty terrible mistake. But Isla settles in to tell Sunjata what happened; she walks him through it, from the blood on the marble floors and on his hands, how she steered the conversation towards mansions, the Arbiter, Torchline, and to the situation leading up to her decision to help him sleep. "Loss of memory is understandable after taking that sort of substance over a period of time," she assures him - or tries to. "You will get better now, Sunjata. No more nightmares and some decent sleep and you'll barely recognise yourself. If you have any concerns, too - please check in with me."

i'll love you till the day i die, even if it's just a bold face hell of a pretty lie

His upbringing had been years upon years of unpleasant, so it certainly does make sense. It’s a fact that he doesn’t particularly want to talk about, however, not to dive in deep. He doesn’t know how much he’d told her when he’d spiraled. He also doesn’t know why it is every time this happens he gets that way, telling people too much. So he works his jaw, nods as she mentions he should bring it up – and oh how he does plan on bringing it up. A ‘what the fuck is this’ kind of chat.

But he draws silent, staring at the floor and his stretched out legs as she recalls everything he’d told her. He takes a sharp inhale of breath, lips forming a tight line as it continues to go on and on and he eventually ends up rubbing his hand against his head, as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry Isla.” He says again, apologizing in the only way he can. He doesn’t know what else to say.

At least the memory loss is explained, and hopefully with the fact that he won’t be taking it anymore it’ll go back to normal – whatever normal was. He’d been keeping notes since he’d gotten struck by lightning, after all. He doesn’t know how much of that was him and how much of it was everything else that’s happened to his body and his mind. “Thank you.” He says as his voice wavers slightly, fighting against the urge to shroud his wing in again as he had before he’d fallen asleep. “I will.” He confirms before he’s chewing on the inside of his cheek again.

“I won’t stay too much longer. I’ll go back to the VlamVloed, I'm sure it won't be long before Nate's back anyway.” To give her space from having to deal with him. To also take a shower because gods does he need to try and cleanse himself from it all. But he leans forward as if he’s about to try and stand when his head throbs again and he remains seated with a hiss. “Maybe I’ll go… After I eat.” He finally concedes, keeping his gaze on the floor.

SUNJATA

Isla take your medicine "What on earth for?" Isla asks gently, not sounding put out by anything that had happened. "That is like apologising for breaking your arm and coming to me to get it put into a cast. You've nothing to be sorry for, Sunjata," she assures him, though she doesn't have to be that sort of doctor to tell that he's shutting down on her. Isla is already halfway on her feet when it looks like the Flood is about to get up, but his own fatigue stops him, thankfully. Sighing, she reaches out to take one of his hands. "As your doctor," she says, giving his fingers a squeeze, "you're here until I feel as though you're able to get home safe. And unfortunately, that isn't just now. You need to rest and eat, and then we'll talk. You're not alone, Sunjata - you know that, right? There are people around to help, whatever it is you need."

i'll love you till the day i die, even if it's just a bold face hell of a pretty lie

She questions why he’s sorry and he doesn’t have a good answer to it. ‘Because.’ Comes to mind, without delving too much. But it’s not good enough. ‘Because I always apologize for things that weren’t entirely my fault’ also comes to mind, but that, too, isn’t a good excuse. So instead, he nods, a short one to not jostle his mind too much as it throbs and pounds.

And he tries to get up, to leave her be, already feeling awkward enough for staying and delving that much about him, putting that weight into her shoulders. But between his exhaustion and sudden nausea, and Isla’s ability to quite easily stop him, he sinks back down and works his jaw as she takes his hand, his gaze flicking to it instead of looking directly at her. And he swallows hard when she tells him that he’s not alone, because he knows the truth of it and yet he doesn’t know who he can invite in close without exhausting them by simply being around him.

He thinks of Nate and the weight sat on his shoulders, of how Sunjata can see it but how he doesn’t dare ask, just trying to get through the darkness to see the light on the other side. “I know.” He says softly, carefully keeping his gaze away from her face. But he can’t stop from asking, can’t stop the words from leaving his lips, trying to shift the subject away in a pitiful attempt because he can feel his throat tightening and his chest growing heavy. “When will the food be here?” It’s a quiet question but he’s sure she can hear him with her Ascended hearing much as Nate could.

SUNJATA

Isla take your medicine "Do you?" Isla sighs, giving his hand another gentle squeeze and keeping hold of it, letting him gaze at any part of the room without looking at her for a second. Food is a distraction and a change in subject, and it is neither in Isla's nature nor her job role to force him to speak about anything. "It will be another few minutes, I think. Not long. Shall I give you some time to settle and go out to wait for it?" Her fingers are slipping out of his at last, the doctor rising to her feet and glancing about, as if to check the room for anything that might be potentially troubling or dangerous for Sunjata. "Unless you would prefer me to stay? We don't need to speak if you'd prefer - I'm quite comfortable in silence." A wry smile; an attempt to somewhat lighten the mood.

i'll love you till the day i die, even if it's just a bold face hell of a pretty lie

“Yes.” He says abruptly, quickly, as if pushing it under the rug will stifle his need to say that he just doesn’t know how to let people in, that the people that have gotten in and close had forced their way into his life. It was hard to ask anything of them without feeling too much like a burden. Truth be told, he just didn’t want to be alone.

But she rises to her feet and glances around, giving him the choice to step out or stay in until it arrives and he finds himself clasping both hands together, letting his thumb rub against the lightning scars on his right hand. “Here is fine, if you don’t mind.” He offers quietly. The less people that see him this way, the better after all. “You can talk if you want to, I’ll try and answer whatever questions you have about what I said during… that.” Brows edge closer together before he relaxes a bit, swallows down the urge and tightness of his throat, the wave of it departing for now as he lifts his steel gaze to finally look at her.

SUNJATA

Isla take your medicine "Alright." It's a response both to his affirmation and to the request that she stay, Isla easing herself back down into her chair and letting her gaze flicker over Sunjata again, as if to check him for any anomalies or troubles as a result of the sedation. Finding none - but that doesn't mean he is okay by any stretch of the word - she relaxes a bit and raises her eyebrows at his remarks. "You don't owe me an explanation," she tells him quietly, smiling. "Whatever happened, it's yours to share and it's yours to keep to yourself. I was just there to help you understand the medicine you were taking." For someone so innately curious, she seems quite content to stay in the dark about her patient. "But if you want to talk about it, of course that isn't a problem. None of this is about me, Sunjata. Don't think you need to make me comfortable."

i'll love you till the day i die, even if it's just a bold face hell of a pretty lie

That’s that, essentially, as Isla sinks back into her chair and Sunjata offers the option for her to delve further if she wants to. She leaves it open for him to decide, however, and he can't help the twitch of a frown that crosses his face — unused to having a choice in the matter. But perhaps… Perhaps with a bit of understanding on her side it might help her be able to help him better in the long run. So he nods, thankful that she said that he needn’t worry about her comfort, because he’s sure things would get dark if he does decide to delve into it.

“I’d like to explain, at least. So it makes sense.” Why he had seen so much blood, why he had said it was his and why it wouldn’t go away. So he reaches for the water again to take a small sip before he settles in to wait. “I did grow up in a big mansion with my parents and my sister.” He says as if it had come out as a lie. “It had a big marble floor in the foyer that lead to the stairs that went up a level. Father did most of his business in the foyer. Anyway…” He’s getting ahead of himself here. “I defected from my fathers ranks and joined a resistance and a few years later I was captured with my girlfriend.” He pauses to see if she has any questions, his gaze lifting to her face before he scans everywhere else.

SUNJATA

Isla take your medicine Isla waits patiently for him to speak, nodding as he begins and getting herself more comfortable in the seat. She has to resist the urge to reach for more parchment, to jot notes as he speaks, and her hands fold in her lap as if to prevent such a thing from happening unconsciously. She instead gives Sunjata her full attention, nodding as he explains. "And your father conducted 'business' with you in that foyer after you were captured," she guesses, from his remarks about the blood, from the way he had been touching his fingers to his neck. Her expression is quietly open, inviting him to divulge more if he wishes. There is no anger or pity on Isla's face, no judgement or sadness - he deserves more than that from her. "I can understand why that sort of experience would stick with a person." To put it mildly. "Were you ever able to speak with him about it?"