just bare with me and i'll be back some day i hope

// and i hear your ship is comin' in, your tears a sea for me to swim in
and i hear a storm is comin' in, my dear, is it all we've ever been? //

The VlamVloed had been home once, it had been an escape. And perhaps that’s what he finds now as he groggily makes his way back there – a hideaway where he can occupy his old room upstairs, where he can go undisturbed aside from when Nate comes and goes. Truly, they’re there for him and Sunjata doesn’t mind – it was nice, after all, almost like a little getaway. At least, it would have been if it weren’t for the news earlier, the panic, and the long six hours he’d passed out in Isla’s office.

But he makes it back, showered and clean, crawling into bed with his wings out to heal as much as they could, wrapped up in blankets and full of food and water. He doesn’t trust himself to smoke, worried he might fall asleep and set the place ablaze, so he does his best to try and remain awake for when Nate comes in. The sealed letter remains in his hands and despite his best attempts to stay awake he dozes off a few times – the first time he’s been able to sleep without the terrors reaching up for him.

That’s how Nate would find him, as if he were staying up late to wait for him (which he had), only to have fallen asleep during the watch. The letter is still clutched in his hand, his face half pressed into pillows that prop him up, wrapped in blankets and furs to ward off the chill despite the warmth of the fireplace in the corner. It’s almost the picture perfect of peace for Sunjata, Haai curled up on the floor, not wanting to take up too much space from the bed, stretched out much like Sunjata is.

anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love

SUNJATA

// i am not the only traveler who has not repaid his debt
i've been searching for a trail to follow again, take me back to the night we met //

Nate has no idea how he's gotten entangled in so much that keeps him from home. Jobs for the Voice, for Longnight, for Safrin. It's getting to be too much. At least his husband has come along this time, taking care of his own business, whatever that may be. Sunjata hadn't shared, and the least, the very least Nate feels he can do, after everything, is not pry.

Bright moonlight and Deepfrost chill make the night sharp, crisp. If he weren't ascended, he would hate it, whine about the cold, but it's almost peaceful right now, the streets empty as he approaches the VlamVloed. Smoke curls from the chimney, and he can see Pemota's glow through one of the windows, filling the main room as he enters, greets his companion quietly. Nate takes the stairs two at a time, and as silently as he can, imagining Sunjata is asleep, and not wanting to disturb him.

He stumbles into a picture of coziness that seems so disconnected to the last few days weeks months. Haai wakes first, Nate reaching out to scratch her head on his way to the fireplace, another piece of wood dropped onto the fireplace before he turns to face the bed. It seems like such a shame to disturb Sunjata, but shame's never stopped him before. Nate sits on the edge of the bed, his hand reaching out to stroke along the attuned's cheek."Sonskyn?" His voice is a low rumble, the ascended trying to bring the other around into partial wakefulness gently. He just needs Sunjata to be responsive enough to let him clamber into bed, Nate can handle everything past that, the adjustment of blankets and pillows and attuned into a comfortable position.

NATE

// and i hear your ship is comin' in, your tears a sea for me to swim in
and i hear a storm is comin' in, my dear, is it all we've ever been? //

He has tried to stay awake to no avail, a small mercy all things considered since the last month or two has been spent hardly able to gain any deep meaningful rest. So it takes him quickly, not even stirring as Nate arrives, not stirring as Haai yawns and licks Nate’s hand before curling back up on the floor. Sunjata still doesn’t stir, not even when the weight of Nate is felt on the bed, as the Ascended sits on the edge.

He only stirs slightly with the hand on his cheek, with the voice that crosses through the air softly. The hand holding the sealed letter clutches it a bit tighter, Sunjata’s wings flexing and he nuzzles his head into the pillows a bit more — as if he doesn’t want to be woken up. But there’s a part of him that remembers he’d been trying to stay awake, and with a sharp inhale of breath he shakes his head in the pillow before cracking an eye halfway open, spying Nate through his sleepiness.

The hand still clutching the letter (addressed to Nate, of course) moves with him as he leans back a bit, giving Nate space while the hand reaches out for his husband, to pull him close under the blankets with him so Sunjata might be able to nestle himself in close against the Ascended. “Mm, skatjie.” He rumbles through a hoarse throat, the letter still attempting to be clutched before it falls into Nate’s lap. This wakes him a fraction more, a yawn slipping from him as he manages to open both eyes to peer at his husband.

anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love

SUNJATA

// i am not the only traveler who has not repaid his debt
i've been searching for a trail to follow again, take me back to the night we met //

Pemota drifts into the room after him, settling in with Haai, cozy and heavy. It's an echo of the rest of the room's mood, especially as Nate settles in on the bed, his hand on Sunjata's face. Nate leans in close, accepting the ug as much as he can, taking up what space there is without actually moving the other man too much. You look comfortable. There is no small amount of warmth, of genuine, easy peace in his voice, short-lived as it may turn out to be.

The letter in his lap catches his attention, the ascended's free hand lifting it up enough to see his own name. "What's this?" Nate hums, flipping it as if Sunjata really needs the clarification about what he means. He tries to not let worry touch him, tries to not immediately sink down into worst-case scenarios, but it's hard, with the way everything's been going for them recently.

NATE

// and i hear your ship is comin' in, your tears a sea for me to swim in
and i hear a storm is comin' in, my dear, is it all we've ever been? //

I am very comfortable. He hums back to Nate – his mental voice just as groggy but hidden with that hint of formality, regality that hasn’t been there in a while. But he nestles in, slipping his head to rest along Nate’s shoulder, tucking himself in close so he might cuddle up against the Ascended and wrap an arm around him now that the letter is in the doctor’s hands.

What is it? Well, that’s a can of worms Sunjata’s not entirely awake enough for yet, but he tries. He stifles another yawn, nuzzles his head against Nate again before he’s withdrawing a fraction so he can sit up a bit more, to prop himself up on an elbow. “It’s for you.” he says at first, though realizing soon after that it should have been obvious given Nate’s name on the letter. “It’s from Isla.” He quickly clarifies, swallowing against a sore throat.

“I noticed that despite Vai giving me the sleeping meds, that it wasn’t really working… And given everything... We've had on our plates... I just wanted another outside look.” He dances around the true meaning of what he wants to say - the fact that he can see the toll all of it is wearing on his husband and how he doesn't want to add to it more. And he has been, until now, until he's foudn teh true reason for the cause of his problems. (So he thinks). “So I brought it with… It, uh, it turns out it’s not sleeping medicine, nor a sedative…” He trails off, his smile falling as he reaches up to rub the sleepiness from his eyes before he peers back at the letter.

anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love

SUNJATA

// i am not the only traveler who has not repaid his debt
i've been searching for a trail to follow again, take me back to the night we met //

Nate actually manages a low chuckle, leaning in to press kisses against Sunjata's head, against his ear. They're close, the blanket of comfort beginning to settle over the ascended as well. For the moment.

The fact that it's from Isla has Nate straightening, paying just a touch more attention. She could have sought him out herself, though people had a habit of running into Sunjata before him, this seems more pointed than that. Mismatched eyes flick to Sunjata, looking over his face with a new carefulness. He seems gaunt, tired, even more than he has been recently. Hoarse too, Nate wracking his mind to try and remember if he'd noticed it earlier in the morning.

"No?" Then what it is? Nate doesn't trust his voice to not shake or crack, his brows pulling together as he follows the attuned's focus down to the letter. He has to stretch a little bit to open it, slipping a piece of paper out to read Isla's neat scrawl. It's not long, but he still looks over it longer than necessary, the corners of his lips pinned up. "She just wants me to go and speak with her." A heavy breath heaves out of Nate, shifting the weight on his shoulders without actually lessening his burden.

NATE

// and i hear your ship is comin' in, your tears a sea for me to swim in
and i hear a storm is comin' in, my dear, is it all we've ever been? //

Honestly, he could stay curled up and not bring this up, but it was too late now. That little bit of gentleness and calm they’d so desperately needed becoming something that Sunjata hopes he can accomplish after he tells Nate what it is, after he finds out what’s in the letter. He doesn’t know if that’ll truly happen, however, and so he peers between the letter and his husband, fully aware of the eyes that are on him as he explains in his sleepiness, letting his tone take over a bit more honesty and bluntness.

“We tested it and she looked into it a bit more after she gave me a sedative.” He pauses to run his tongue along his lower lip as if he’s trying to scan his mind for the right words. “She said it was a.. powerful psychedelic.” He frowns at this, offering Nate a nod in response to the letter saying to come and see her. “It’s probably about that.” His lips quirk slightly before he exhales a sigh.

And then he’s nestling in against Nate again, hopefully, his gaze lifting to meet Nate’s face and scan his bitoned  gaze. “She gave me some sedatives. I… Don’t know how it happened. I need to talk to Vai when we get back.” He admits quietly, almost ashamed that he could have made such a grave mistake.

anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love

SUNJATA

// i am not the only traveler who has not repaid his debt
i've been searching for a trail to follow again, take me back to the night we met //

There are some things Nate knows to not poke into, and not only for his own sanity. No reason to work both of them up, any more than they already are. The details of the testing are something he can ask Isla, after all. "I thought Vai gave you that though?" And he hadn't checked it, hadn't thought he would have needed to. Nate's brows pull together, pinching the scar awkwardly. He worked with the witch, trusted her, why would he have needed to check over anything.

Fingers clench tightly against Sunjata, trying to hold him impossibly closer before Nate relaxes again. "What did Isla give you? I'll want to look at it." Maybe not at the moment, Nate too tangled right now to even think about moving, and too stressed to force himself up, when he would only twist himself into knots. "I'll go with you when you do."

Working his jaw, Nate leans in to kiss the other man's forehead, his nose, his lips. "Did..." The ascended leans back again, taking a steadying breath as he does. "did Isla tell you anything else?"

NATE

// and i hear your ship is comin' in, your tears a sea for me to swim in
and i hear a storm is comin' in, my dear, is it all we've ever been? //

“She did.” Sunjata confirms, the confusion evident in the way they’re both on the same page at the moment with that one little detail not making sense until they had a chance to talk to the witch. Regardless, he’s thankful for the tight squeeze, the strength the Ascended has in crushing him against him. And when Nate relaxes, only then does Sunjata with a quiet breath. “It’s in the envelope… She separated each dose out.” He says softly, all the evidence there for Nate to be able to take a look at it, to figure out what it was.

As for Nate coming with him to speak to Vai, Sunjata nods to it as he nestles into the kisses that follow – the ones that press against his forehead and his nose and his lips, Sunjata adjusting to rest on Nate’s shoulder again and let his tired steel peer back up at Nate with a softness and a bit of relief that hasn’t been there in quite some time. He wasn’t on edge, right now, he wasn’t freaking out about anything. He could simply be.

The question is met with Sunjata’s arm wrapping around Nate again, the good wing following suit as it drapes over the Ascended. “She said it was giving me audio-visual hallucinations.” He repeats, pleased and surprised that despite his state he can remember that. Of course, it had been altering to hear it put so bluntly, but at least he remembered it. “She also said that loss of memory is understandable since I had been taking it so long.” And it’s relieving to him to hear it, to say it. “She also said my wing is healing.”

anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love

SUNJATA

// i am not the only traveler who has not repaid his debt
i've been searching for a trail to follow again, take me back to the night we met //

Confusion is at least better than anger, though it is only very barely kept at bay, the respect and confidence he has in Vai steady for the moment. They would see after they’d had the chance to speak, to get to the bottom of this mystery. Nate shakes the envelope again, and sure enough, there are neatly sealed slips, each exactingly measured out he's sure. ”Do you...” Steel and blue eyes flick up to search Sunjata’s face, softening with what he sees. ”Do you want me to keep track of these for you?” No matter how gently it’s asked, how soft the smile and the crinkles around Nate’s eyes are, it’s not really a question, something the ascended tries to make as obvious as he can.

Nate very nearly lets something loose that he doesn’t think he should, his mouth opening, the words I thought..? leaving him before he can stop himself. No need to say things he isn’t sure are true, to poke holes in a reality that already doesn’t make sense. He just hadn’t thought they actually stocked anything that could produce those symptoms.

Instead of worrying though, he tries to sink into the darkness, Sunjata’s face still clear as day despite the late hour and the shade around them. ”Thats... that explains some things.” And opened a hollow in Nate’s chest, jagged and guilty. He’d noticed how off his husband had been, but apparently he hadn’t been observant enough. How does a doctor and a former burnout miss that? How did he not put it together? If he was honest, fair, he’d know it was because f the stress he himself was under, the way he and Sunjata share the tendency to hide everything, to not inspire worry.

A far less generous voice whispers instead that he’d simply turned a blind eye, kept himself from putting the pieces together so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. It was better to be intentionally cruel than carelessly.

As far as spirals go, this one is an infant, all but bottled up in a moment, Nate’s head pressing in and a smile crossing his face. Happiness pulses from him, almost in time with Sunjata’s heart. ”Thats good. I’m glad I could take care of it.”

NATE

// and i hear your ship is comin' in, your tears a sea for me to swim in
and i hear a storm is comin' in, my dear, is it all we've ever been? //

He watches idly as Nate shakes the envelope, Sunjata able to hear the medicine as it bounces around within it in each little separated bag. But he captures his husband’s eyes instead, peering back at steel and blue with a soft edge to his own steel. “Please?” He asks quietly, much preferring the idea of his hands not being on it – unsure how he had managed to get his hands on the previous ones instead if it hadn’t come from Vai.

The question that leaves Nate, however, has Sunjata’s lips quirking slightly, a shake of his head and a shrug as if to say ‘I don’t know’. I grabbed the bottle where she had left it when I woke up. And that was all he knew, all he could remember. That was fine, though, because it was fixed now or being righted, so he wraps Nate in tighter almost as if he can feel what worry threatens to consume the Ascended, pouring his exhausted attention into a simple moment of bliss such as this.

It does explain things, however, the nightmares that had still plagued him. But there’s no need for Nate to worry now, not as Sunjata does his best to curl up against his husband and to try and pretend that everything was fine, even if it only lasted a night. Idly, he sends back the happiness through the bond, spinning the ring on his finger as he keeps himself tucked in against Nate as if he’s something fragile – quite unintentionally. “I fell asleep for six hours in her office after she sedated me.” He murmurs, his head nuzzled in before he’s lifting his head again to perch it on Nate’s shoulder. “Evidently it had a wonderful tendency of sparking panic attacks brought on by my… Trauma growing up. I didn’t remember what I said but apparently we talked about mansions.” He pauses, closing his eyes again as he debates offering the rest of it. That time it was when Lusea died. She told me I talked a lot about blood. There’s a shiver that races down his spine, one that causes the wing draped over his husband to shudder with the movement. But it’s okay. I got some good sleep. I feel better.  He tries to assure the Ascended.

“Tell me about your day, though?”

anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love

SUNJATA

// i am not the only traveler who has not repaid his debt
i've been searching for a trail to follow again, take me back to the night we met //

”Of course Sunny.” Getting his way, whether it made good sense or not, has a purr entering Nate’s voice, honeyed and pleased, his head tilting so he can brush his lips against his husbands head. ”Did Isla tell you if you should take one tonight?” It seems like something that would have been specified, though that doesn’t stop the moment of hesitation before a single hand folds the envelope closed, then in half, tucking it safely into some inner jacket pocket.

All the shrug does is encourage Nate to press closer, trying to compensate for the little ways he’s failed with comfort now, as if it could return those last few months to Sunjata. We’ll figure out what happened. It’s, uncertainty rushes in to fill the gap where he hesitates, nothing coming to mind at first, better, now. Now that we know what happened. It doesn’t feel like quite as elegant a save as he would usually make, but he tries to back it up love, with an unwavering focus on the now.

Sunjata presses ever tighter against him, Nate’s free hand moving to pull the blanket snug around them, then rising to rub along his husbands back, gentle and soothing against the bruises and tenderness between his wings. This is all he’s ever wanted to be able to offer, all he’s ever wanted in general, so why does it still feel like he should be doing more? Like he should be preventing the cracks and fractures before they happen? The ascended shifts again, hiding his face in the others sun kissed curls, of only for a moment before the other shifts so they’re facing each other again.

They’re close enough that all Nate can see of Sunjata is blurry, so close he’s out of focus except for snatches of cheekbones and scruff and the cool monotone of his eyes, before they close. The ascended wishes he needed the breath he takes, preceding the soft ”I’m sorry.” His heart has taken up a new home somewhere in his throat, Nate resisting the urge to lean in again, to try and soothe away the pain of unwelcome memories with more kisses, more bandaids. I’m glad someone was with you. And... I’m glad you don’t remember most of it. Maybe it’s a cruel thought, but it is a relief, considering the subject matter, and what Nate knew of it. And I’m very glad you feel better. It doesn’t seem possible, but Nate squeezes tighter for a moment, trying to counteract the shudder the ripples across Sunjata’s wing.

The subject change comes out of nowhere, so much so that Nate spends a long moment with his mouth hanging open, trying to simply remember what he’d done during the day. ”I uh... met up with Neron. We... went over some things; plans, strategies, rumours. Just,” A snort leaves him, joking and light somehow, ”normal friendly catching up.”

NATE

// and i hear your ship is comin' in, your tears a sea for me to swim in
and i hear a storm is comin' in, my dear, is it all we've ever been? //

The purr that enters Nate’s voice soothes the rough burrs that’ve invaded Sunjata’s mind. And so he rests into the press of lips against his head, the question aired that has him thinking. “Just one of the packages before bed. Mix it with water. Tastes like peppermint.” He reiterates, finding a soft smile form on the corner of his lips as he recalls it as correctly as he can.

As for with Vai, Sunjata doesn’t pay much attention to the way Nate’s words hang, where they hesitate and how he doesn’t recover as well as he usually does. He’s just glad to be here, without some huge crisis to whip out on Nate when he least expects it. It’s out in the open and now the Attuned can simply sit there, wrapped up in his husband’s arms, letting the relief of it all smooth over him. It works well enough when Nate’s pulling the blankets up and snug, soothing circles pressed into his back between the wings. But he takes a deep breath, lets the slight shiver brace through him as he explains, peering at the blurred image of his husband from his current perch. I’m glad too. He agrees softly, pulsing down the bond with the relief he feels, hoping it might relieve the tension that he can tell sits within Nate.

It isn’t his fault, regardless of how much he knows Nate will beat himself up about it.

Before he can let it slip from his lips, he’s asking about Nate’s day – a brow raising at the mention of Neron. “I forgot he was here.” He hums with a quiet laugh mimicking Nate’s own. “Anything good?” He asks in terms of the catching up. But another thought hits him and he’s withdrawing slightly from Nate to readjust. And rather than let his hand and wing drape over his husband, he’s moving so his body does so – attempting to trap the Ascended beneath him with an air of playfulness, a roguish edge to his smile. “I was thinking of offering my shifts for the Ascended if you think it might be helpful.” He pauses as his lips quirk into something softer, not as playful as it had when he’d moved to drape atop his husband. “I want to help in any way I can.” Comes the more honest response, backed up with something he can’t quite say out loud. So that you’ll come back home to me.

anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love. anchor up to me, love

SUNJATA

// i am not the only traveler who has not repaid his debt
i've been searching for a trail to follow again, take me back to the night we met //

One packet before bed. Simple enough, though Nate isn’t going to trust anything before he has a chance to speak with Isla, and see exactly what she’s put into the mix. ”Peppermint sounds nice at least.” He hums, trying for distraction over anything else. He’s trying to just be calm, warm, as they talk about what Sunjata’s gone through, what he’d been dealing with alone so recently.

It’s nice, in a way that Nate can’t trust, to talk about something relatively normal. To turn his gaze away from the hot ember of neglect burning in the back of his mind, if only for a moment. ”He brought the Warden along with him apparently.” He hums first, head tipping back and forth. ”She’s here to help I guess. It’s kinda nice to know not everyone is against us.” Another soft chuckle leaves him as he shifts along with Sunjata, moving however the attuned wants him to in order to get comfortable, and distracting from another moment of hesitation. This one though, Nate lingers in, because it s small, safe enough to share, and he needs to get something off his shoulders before he shatters. ”I had uh, another,” it feels stupid to say vision despite the nonsense that makes up the rest of his day to day, so he simply gestures towards his eye loosely, ”about Longnight.”

The suggestion has bright jealousy rushing through Nate, not only through the bond, but over his face as well. ”I think it would be helpful.” Comes the strained answer, before he lets a deep sigh leave him. ”I appreciate it, and...” Words fizzle out, replaced by a hand brushing through Sunjata’s hair, holding him close, that same note of softness in his tone. I’m always coming back home to you.

NATE