In restless dreams I walked alone (open)

right now everything you want is wrong
& right now all your dreams are waking up

It hasn't hurt as much as it should, because Remi won't let it. After Aoife died the alchemist wore his heart on his sleeve. He grieved publicly. He burned for all to see. But that had been wrong, he'd been told. He hadn't coped the way that was expected.; he'd taken too long to move on. So perhaps, progressive as Caido boasted, he really was just supposed to swallow down his feelings.

He'd try. He'd gotten rather good at it.

Only when Remi saw Zeph come home to look after Vai—Remi having perched outside as a hawk—did he take flight, and then vanish. His whispered apology as he awoke next to Ianto likely meant nothing to the merchant, so often had he done precisely this sort of thing as of late, and then Remi was up and in the brisk air of the Greatwood once again.

Now he stands on the border between the Woods and the Hollowed Ground, feeling more alone than ever he had before. Remi is a poor approximation of man in anguish: he doesn't cry (no matter how his eyes sting and burn), he stands with his back straight (no matter how he longs to curl in on himself), and his expression is utterly neutral. But of course that's exactly the problem. Mistakes the Lullaby has made a'plenty; more than he's even aware of. But always, always, he knew one thing. That he was for Ronin, and that Ronin was for him.

Though he stands looking toward the Grounds, all he sees before him is the Star turn away and stand with someone else. Two men hurting for two different reasons, and a choice made. Two men with a different take on what happened, but only one was allowed to be angry. Remi was apparently too strong now, to be weak. Possessing of too much violence to be trusted. Though what had caused him to lose Ronin from his corner, he didn't know. So alright then. He'd just be. There was no one who was in his corner without having first been in Ronin's. No one he could go to anyway. One he'd left back asleep in a wagon, and one was..who knew what, within the Grounds.

So Remi stands in the silence, breaking, while appearing whole.

The Lullaby

JUNIPER

you think i'm happy because i'm smiling,
but it's the easiest thing to do

Juniper had been hunting, following the path of a stray deer as it led her further and further towards the edge of the Greatwood, but she had pretty well lost the trail by the time she spotted Remi in the distance. She watched for a moment in silence, wondering what he was doing here, and then when he didn't move, she flew over to ask.

"Remi?" Juniper landed a few feet away from him, in his line of sight -- she didn't want to startle him. "Are you heading out into the Grounds?"

It was a reasonable assumption, except for the fact that so far, Juniper had only seen him stare into space rather than take a single step forward. She had an inkling that something more was going on here, but she wasn't sure if it was her place to pry -- she didn't want to intrude, if he wished to be alone with his thoughts.

if you looked a little closer,
you'd find my eyes aren't smiling too.

table by Skylark

right now everything you want is wrong
& right now all your dreams are waking up

Her voice is sharp and surprising over his shoulder, like an arrow shot past him that missed by inches. Looking at her, but not seeing her at first, not really, the alchemist has to blink hard in order to reconcile what was actually before him.

"No, I.." He trails off, his mind far away, back in Torchline. All he sees his Ronin's disapproving expression; sees his husband turn away from him. Running a hand through his curls as if that might help clear his thoughts (it didn't), he peels his eyes off of the darkness that is the Grounds. "..I don't know what I'm doing, actually." He admits. Though normally it would be said with a boyish laugh and apologetic shrug, now Remi just regards the fae with a flat green stare that's both filled to the brim with emotions, and entirely empty.

"You aren't, are you?" Remi asks then. "Going into the Grounds, I mean."

The Lullaby

JUNIPER

you think i'm happy because i'm smiling,
but it's the easiest thing to do

"No, I'm not," Juniper answered. "I was just hunting. Remi, are you ... all right?"

She hadn't noticed anything off at first, but the blank stare with which the demi-god regarded her, the flatness of his voice -- she didn't know him that well, but those seemed unlike him. He sounded just a little bit lost. Not physically, she thought; he clearly knew he was at the border of the Grounds and Greatwood. But he didn't quite seem to know what to do with himself.

If he'd been a stranger -- and he nearly was -- she would have expressed concern. But in addition to that basic compassion, he was leading the defense of the Greatwood; he was vital to the survival of Juniper's home and people. She had to know that he was all right, or she had to find a way to help him.

if you looked a little closer,
you'd find my eyes aren't smiling too.

table by Skylark

right now everything you want is wrong
& right now all your dreams are waking up

Her question strikes right to the core of things, and not one to lie normally, the Lullaby merely shakes his head. "No. No I don't think I am." He murmurs softly, and though there's a smile on his lips, it's one that speaks of a broken heart. "Ronin and I..." Pausing to realize how presumptuous that was, assuming Juniper would know anything of his personal life, Remi offers her an apologetic half smile before rephrasing. "My husband and I...I think we might have just...that is, I think I.."

But the words don't come. The tear that streaks down his cheek is shiny in the moonlight as Remi's throat all but closes around the words. He walked away from me, and I think I ended things.

But Remi wasn't in a place to admit that to himself, much less to Juniper. And so with another tight-lipped smile, he simply shakes his head of tousled curls.

The Lullaby

JUNIPER

you think i'm happy because i'm smiling,
but it's the easiest thing to do

Juniper wasn't sure what answer she'd expected, but that wasn't it. If he'd been hurt physically, she could have offered a remedy, or to take him to the healer -- but in truth, she'd known when she asked that his problem wasn't physical. She didn't know him very well; she wasn't the right person to offer the counsel he needed, really. But she was the person present, so she'd have to do her best. Oh, she could have shut him down -- offered some meaningless platitude and moved on -- but that was not in Juniper's nature.

"I'm so sorry to hear that," she said gently. He might not have finished his sentence, but from his tone, she could guess at what had happened -- could certainly tell that it was nothing good. "Do you want to talk about it? I'm willing to listen."

if you looked a little closer,
you'd find my eyes aren't smiling too.

table by Skylark

right now everything you want is wrong
& right now all your dreams are waking up

Remi's eyes drop to the grasses, watching as invisible breezes curl their fingers into the dark blades. He could be that, if he wanted. That invisible breeze. He could just leave his body against a tree and walk through the world as a ghost. And should some predator happen upon him? So be it. What would be would be, and without Ronin, Remi wasn't sure if he cared any longer what the world did with him.

"I don't even know what to say." Remi admits with a humourless laugh. "Not without sounding like I'm absolutely full of myself." He adds, running a hand through his curls and sighing as if that might help remove some of the weight he feels settled on his chest. It doesn't help, of course, leaving the alchemist feeling as though he's been inappropriately dramatic.

The Lullaby

JUNIPER

you think i'm happy because i'm smiling,
but it's the easiest thing to do

Juniper considered Remi's words for a moment, then smiled gently. "Then sound full of yourself. I won't hold it against you, if you need to talk without being judged for it."

The sighs and such might be dramatic, but, well, relationships were like that sometimes. Juniper might not have a ton of experience as either a lover or a counselor -- she was still quite young for a Fae, though she'd had a couple tentative relationships -- but she knew that love often felt like the most significant thing in the world. And she couldn't exactly say it wasn't, either.

"What started the conversation?" Juniper prompted. "If you don't mind thinking about it."

if you looked a little closer,
you'd find my eyes aren't smiling too.

table by Skylark

right now everything you want is wrong
& right now all your dreams are waking up

Rubbing his fingers across the upper portion of his arms, the alchemist swallows thickly as he tries to think of how best to say what's on his mind.

Just as he's about to open his mouth, there's an explosion from somewhere within the Hollowed Grounds. Fire erupts into the air—it's the barracks catching fire thanks to the Spark Bird, not the Juniper or Remi will know that yet—but the soundwave from it reaches the pair as they stand on the border.

Isla. Remi thinks, all thoughts of Ronin and Sunjata and what a mess his life is, suddenly pushed to the back of his mind to make room for what was happening before him.

"We..probably shouldn't be here." He mumbles to Juniper. The monsters might not venture into the Greatwood, but they were close enough to the Fields that they just might consider it. "Come on."

~FIN

The Lullaby