twisting in circles again

i closed my eyes and saw my father's sins, they covered me like a second skin
i peeled them off, and sure i bled a bit, but now i'm free to sink my own damn ship

He listens to her list out everything in a way that makes sense, in a way that should soothe his fears, but part of him thinks that it feels wrong to do so. It feels wrong to not constantly punish himself, it feels wrong to pretend as though he hadn’t just fucked everything up. She punches his cheek and he tries to offer her a small smile. It feels forced and fake, however, and he drops it quickly.

“I don’t know if he ever will until the war is over.” He admits with a frown, a sharp draw of breath. “He… Went to Safrin before LongNight and she did something to him. And he went to the Voice after to fix it but… The day I came home to tell them what I’ve done, Nate had also became a demigod for the Voice.” His nose twitches slightly as if he’s trying to keep his face as emotionless as possible and that twitch had slipped out. “And I’m the father of a Safrin child.” Lines had been drawn. “And… When I touch him it hurts him. I don’t know if that will ever change.” The only way he knows how to comfort his husband and it had been stolen away. “And all I can think about are the what if’s. I don’t… I don’t know what else I can do. I have to be okay.” He has to be okay because it isn’t just him anymore.

“I have to be okay for Kamaria, but that’s… That’s all, Vai, and it’s... So, so hard.” She knows his spirals, she knows how he gets, and he can’t indulge in those while trying to care for his daughter. And he knows this. “It’s going to kill me if he doesn’t come back.”

i cut my branch down from my family tree to start a fire in the living room

SUNJATA

to heal a wound, you need to stop touching it

She can sense the precipice that he threatens to throw himself from, having walked this walk with Sunjata a couple of times, now. So Vai beats him to it, reaching out to wrap her arms around him, to draw him close against her in a hug. "Sunny, you're getting overwhelmed with all of this," she murmurs; it's both a calm explanation and a warning in one, as if to give him a chance to take a breath against everything he's just let spill out.

"I know it must be hard. I know, sweetheart. But you are strong enough to get through this. And you will get through it, for your daughter. I can't give you the answers because I can't see the future to say whether Nate will come back. But I don't think he would leave you for good. I've seen you both together." Giving him a gentle squeeze, Vai lets out a long sigh. "What's the biggest thing on your mind? The thing you keep coming back to? Let's start there."

Vervain

i closed my eyes and saw my father's sins, they covered me like a second skin
i peeled them off, and sure i bled a bit, but now i'm free to sink my own damn ship

She’s right, as she always is. She wraps him in a hug and he tenses hard enough that the feathers that sprout along his shoulders and neck flare out in warning. But it gives him pause to breathe, knowing that she wouldn’t hurt him, knowing that perhaps for once he was safe, and so he can’t help but to wrap his arms around her too, sagging into her hug, his head buried into her shoulder as if it can hide away all of his shame and sorrow when he speaks.

It is love, ultimately, that had gotten him here. And it was love that Nate had said he still felt, even if things were tough and wrenches had been thrown into the mix. Nate still loved him. That’s all that mattered, didn’t it?

He can’t help the slight hiccup of his inhale when he does it, but he tries to recover as swiftly as he can. “It… It keeps going back to the fact that I don’t make Nate feel safe anymore.” That the home isn’t safe, that once upon a time they found safety and comfort in each other’s arms and now? Now it was painful, dangerous. “I have a lot of regret for that.”

i cut my branch down from my family tree to start a fire in the living room

SUNJATA

to heal a wound, you need to stop touching it

Her fingers gently stroke through his hair, as if to soothe away the feathers that bloom across his skin. Vai has nowhere to be now that is more important than this, so she'll happily hold Sunjata for the rest of the afternoon if that's what it takes. "Mm... it's important to be a safe place for each other," she agrees with him. "But it can be fixed, I bet. It might take time, but you can rebuild that trust and be his safety net again."

Smiling softly, Vai absently tries to smooth a crease out of Sunjata's shirt (she can't help herself). "Did he say what it was, exactly, that made him stop feeling safe with you? Obviously, you're on opposite sides of this... whatever this is. That can't help, but it can't be changed at this point either."

Vervain

i closed my eyes and saw my father's sins, they covered me like a second skin
i peeled them off, and sure i bled a bit, but now i'm free to sink my own damn ship

It was important, and Sunjata had gone and left it in pieces, a gaping hole of a divide between them that feels so daunting he doesn’t even know where to start to rebuild the trust between them. So he buries his face in against her shoulder a bit more, his feathers relaxing with her smoothing touch as well as pulling the crease out of his shirt.

“It’s because I got a new tattoo from Safrin. And I think it’s sentient, sort of. He says it makes me a spy for her, that he can’t talk about or do anything Voice related without it getting back to Safrin.” Pair that with the way his touch seems to burn his husband, and… well, safety is certainly not what comes to mind.

He lifts his head up after that, working his jaw as he reaches up to give Vai’s hand a gentle squeeze. “I didn’t realize it when I pledged to her.” He had been too stupid to not see it, to not realize what would happen when he asked her to mark him, that she wouldn’t stop with just lingering kisses. No, changed inside, a mark along his rib cage, a tattoo over his heart.

i cut my branch down from my family tree to start a fire in the living room

SUNJATA

to heal a wound, you need to stop touching it

She listens, giving his hand a gentle squeeze in return and reaching out to touch a hand to his cheek, as if to soothe away some of the tension in his jaw and stop him from cracking a tooth (likely, one of these days). "Well," she says gently, "that sounds like a bit of a fucking mess, doesn't it?" It's the only way to describe it, she thinks. "Didn't you say that he's a demigod for the Voice now? Surely spying goes both ways now."

Letting out a long sigh, eventually Vai shrugs her shoulders. "I think you ought to leave the gods out of your relationship for a while. Focus on yourselves rather than everything going on around you. It won't always work, and it won't always be easy, but... don't let them get involved in your marriage, Sunny. Not from now on, anyway."

Vervain

i closed my eyes and saw my father's sins, they covered me like a second skin
i peeled them off, and sure i bled a bit, but now i'm free to sink my own damn ship

The frankness that she speaks with does certainly work to bring a bit more emotion out of him. There’s a soft snort, the briefest ghost of a smile that turns up the corner of the good side of his lips. “Yeah.” His gaze softens a bit as she works at his jaw, Sunjata realizing he’s clenching it and actively works to try and loosen it despite the headache forming in his head. “It would, I imagine. Go both ways, that is. “But Nate and Safrin haven't had good encounters… I met the Voice and she…” Acknowledged him without doing anything else? Tolerated him? Didn’t care? He doesn’t know. “It was fine. Nothing like Safrin and Nate.” Which may explain why he hadn’t considered it enough to care if the Voice had dug into him to get information.

He didn’t have any anyway. He wasn’t a demigod, he wasn’t Ronin or Amalia with a higher seat. No, he was just a powerful Attuned, a governor of a land, and a father of a child from the stars.

He focuses back in on her, nodding, pursing his lips a fraction. “Do you think that’s possible with the lines we’ve drawn in the sand?” It’s tentative, but he leans back out of her embrace, aiming to capture her hands in his, noticing the way their chatter had suddenly sparked a nest of rats to wake up, one of which goes scurrying across the floor toward the door.

i cut my branch down from my family tree to start a fire in the living room

SUNJATA

to heal a wound, you need to stop touching it

"Just because it wasn't anything like Safrin and Nate, I wouldn't underestimate the kinds of things deities will try to get their chosen ones to do." Vai doesn't mean to sound negative, and her fingers stroke gently along the side of Sunjata's jaw, just barely skimming across the scar on his face before he's clasping her fingers between his own again. "One thing that's clear since the barrier around the Hollowed Grounds came down, though, is that this is all building towards something." War. They both know it, but Vai doesn't really want to say it.

"I think so," she says and she means it. "As long as the two of you want it, you can make it work. And I know the two of you want to be together, so... get thinking." Vai winks to him, glancing over his shoulder at the sudden rustling of little feet. "Look at that. We've disturbed a little family in here with our chatter. Shall we head back out?" she asks. "Unless you'd rather continue this here."

Vervain

i closed my eyes and saw my father's sins, they covered me like a second skin
i peeled them off, and sure i bled a bit, but now i'm free to sink my own damn ship

He purses his lips as the words leave Vai’s lips, nodding along in a quiet understanding. He can’t help but to scan her face as she strokes his jaw before he’s reaching up to grasp her hand. And he nods, because he understands that. He nods because it’s entirely possible that the thing Safrin had warned him may happen with Nate was a possibility just as much as it was with the Attuned and Safrin. “It is. That’s what Safrin drew me to her for.” It wasn’t as if he’d went looking for his goddess.

No, in fact, he’s tried to keep a wide berth between them specifically because of his sticky fingers like what’s happened now.

“I will.” He assures Vai, watching as the rats begin to dart around the store room. “I’ll… Work on myself just as he’s working on himself and we’ll go from there.” Perhaps that would be better. But he goes to stand, nodding along with her as he tears his gaze from the mice to offer Vai a slightly more relieved smile. “No, no it’s okay. I was actually also down here to pick something up for her bedroom. It’s still a work in progress.” He pauses, shaking his head slightly. “I could use some help if you have time.” Time aside from what Sunjata’s already stolen away.

i cut my branch down from my family tree to start a fire in the living room

SUNJATA

to heal a wound, you need to stop touching it

"Keep yourself safe, Sunny." He can't, not really and especially not now, but Vai feels as though it needs saying nonetheless. Things like war, like those she cares about being put in danger... it puts her teeth on edge, knowing there's nothing any of them can do about it. Inhaling deeply and letting it out again, she conjures a smile for him and leans across to kiss his cheek, before rising to her feet. "I don't think you can really go wrong, there. And don't underestimate how much a little time can make a difference. I bet Nate is missing you terribly already."

The conversation turns to lighter subjects, though, and the witch raises her eyebrows and grins at the prospect of finding things to kit out Kamaria's bedroom. "I would love to help," she tells him, linking her arm with his and leading them back out towards the bustling streets. "Let's find her something that will make her feel at home." And something that will cheer Sunjata up, if Vai has anything to say about it.

~FIN

Vervain