you bleed just to know you're alive

Love, let's talk about love

Time was a distant thing, in this night-cloaked land. While it flowed and swayed at the same pace as the rest of Caido, the stars neither waxed nor waned and remained constant. The swell of waves was a soothing hush at the back of the mind, ceaseless and unflappable. One could spend an eternity here, or a single moment, and it would be impossible to distinguish the difference. Not once had the sea risen in anger or the stars failed to shine, and there was no wind to nudge and prod or force action upon those who were not ready to rise on their own volition.

Seren was in no hurry. This moment was not for her, and she did not try to intrude upon Hotaru's grief. Leaning down to pick up the kitten, she cradled it against her chest and stroked the soft starlit fur. When standing became a chore, she let more of her mother's blessing pulse out until she hovered quietly a few feet off the sand. A boot was kicked off, then the other. Discarded was a thick sweater too, and other restraining garments, until a simple white dress was all that remained. Unconstricting, comfortable; perfect for a small creature to play hide and seek in, and fall asleep upon as the moments slipped quietly past.

Only when the sounds of grief ebbed away into silence did Seren approach the golden-haired cougar. On quiet feet she slipped in to sit beside her, to offer her companionship. But she did not say anything. Safrin's daughter simply waited.

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

Crying has always taken so much from her. Ever since she was a child more prone to tears than laughter. She had killed and buried most of that young, naive spirit, but some things never truly change. With the added weight and emotional charge of early pregnancy, there is no protecting herself from the tidal wave of grief that drags her under until she can’t tell which way lies the surface.

Seren’s presence is an after thought at best until the moment the girl sits beside her, silent and companionable. Her nearest hand reluctantly parts from the unicorn’s body to clutch like a child at the white dress the young woman is draped in. She remains that way for some time - a tether between unicorn and girl, still draped over her lost companion’s unmoving form.

When she finally surfaces, her entire body aches. A fresh pulse pounds in her temples and behind her bloodshot eyes. Surely she looks a disaster, but there’s no room for pride or ego here. Hotaru turns her head to Seren, golden locks sticking to her tear stained face. “I can’t take him with me,” she manages to say through hoarse, broken chords. They would end up back in the bar she assumes, and she has no way to dig into the frozen ground to give him a proper burial. “But his horn...I can’t...I can’t do it. Please.” Tears threaten anew at her lashes but do not fall. Hotaru knows she doesn’t have the strength to desecrate his body in such a way. But she needs something - anything - to keep close, to bring to Ludo. Seren has done so much for her already, but she prays the girl will grant her this last request.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

She debated whether to take the hand that grasped at her garb. Was physical sensation welcome or not, in this situation? It was difficult to know. Seren was afraid to do the wrong thing, to add burdens instead of easing them. In the end, she did nothing. Only sat there, and let Hotaru's pain echo through her own soul. Would that she could absorb it and leave the woman hale and whole. But would that not rob her, in a sense? She had lost a piece of her soul - it seemed cruel, to wish to take anything more.

When the request came, it was a relief to be given some direction. Something she could do. "Of course," the young girl whispered. Easing herself around to Atlas' head, she placed a tender palm on the broad cheek, while the other hand grasped the horn. Would that she could have touched him when he was alive, when the surface beneath her hand would have been warm and pulsating with life. Only ashes clung to her now, and with a determination that sprung from a desire not to drag this out Seren braced herself and heaved, pressing down on the horn.

With surprising ease it came off, the snap of bone like a dried twig. Heavy in her hand, tingling with residual magic, she suppressed the urge to study it closer. Her curiosity could be saved for another time, another unicorn - one that was alive, and hale, and willing.

"Here you go." Carefully, the horn was extended towards Hotaru. Offered like a priceless treasure, some artefact of legend - and it was, it was, it was. So much more than treasure; "Now he can continue to watch over you. I am sure he loved every moment with you, as much as you loved him."

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

Her presence alone is a balm. To not be alone in this moment. If she had been, the silence would have been too loud, too painfully obvious that there is no other soul at the opposite side of her tether. Gratitude isn’t a word large enough for what Hotaru feels when Seren softly accepts the task handed to her. Hotaru can’t bear to move away, but she presses her hands to her ears like a child, folding into herself and focusing on the thrumming stutter of her heartbeat in her ears so that she doesn’t have to hear the awful snap.

It feels like the worst kind of betrayal to have been incapable of doing it herself, but even the muted sound makes bile rise immediately in her throat. Willpower alone keeps what’s likely only stomach acid at this rate from finding its way out of her body.

Slowly removing her hands and ignoring the way they shake, she gently retrieves the dark spiral from Seren. It is then held immediately to her breast, the cold edges molding into her skin to leave red marks behind as proof that she had tried to somehow meld them together anew. “He deserved a better bonded than me,” her voice warbles. There is no self-pity there, only surety that Atlas had been too good for her. Weakly she uses the back of her hand to feebly wipe the tears from her sticky cheeks. Hotaru feels gross all over, down to the marrow, but there’s nothing she can do about it. “Thank you,” she whispers instead, reaching for Seren with the hand that does not still clutch Atlas’ horn to her skin. “I don’t know what to do without him.” It’s a painful admission. “I’ve never raised a child alone before. I always at least had Alice.” And that had made all the difference, with the men she’d dared to love seemingly cursed to leave her. Or perhaps it was the other way around - she was the one cursed to be left and forgotten.

A hand presses over her navel, and her fingers tighten around the horn. She is utterly alone.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

Accepting the hand that reached for her, Seren sank back down beside the grieveing woman and held out her other arm, offering a shoulder to lean on.

"Perhaps. But he chose you." Serene though her voice remained, there was a surety to it that belayed her youthful features. Or perhaps stemmed from it; who could be more firm in their convictions than a child? "Please don't diminish his decision to follow you. It doesn't matter how you met; there was always a choice for the both of you. To step aside, to look away; but you did not. And he did not."

Her own dragon also had a choice. She could have left him by the geyser, to be scalded by boiling water and suffer at the mercy of larger predators. He could have clawed her arms and ripped free, to seek the sky and the wild mountains. Acts of kindness were not chains to bind the unwilling; they were an outstretched hand, taken only by free will.

Seren stretched her legs out before her, toes burrowing thoughtfully into the sand. It was not difficult to place herself in other people's stead. What would she do, if her family was gone, her companion dead, a child depended on her and heavy tasks laid before her?

"Do you have to raise it on your own?" she asked, a little curious despite the nosiness of the topic. "It takes two to make a child... does the other person know about it?" Thinking back, Seren bit her lip. Not wishing to heap too many options on the other woman at once. "And... you said Frey was there, when..." Despite herself, the girl blushed slightly. It was probably the only topic she couldn't quite talk about without stuttering, so utterly lacking in experience herself. "The gods are always with us, Hotaru. Their Heralds are only a prayer away. If you need help, ask Frey. Or if you want to, ask Safrin. She is a wonderful mother; I should know, since she raised me."

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

It is a gentle chastisement, but one all the same. Difficult to believe even so, though her head bows slightly in consideration of it. Even in those last moments, and the ones before when he’d been so very hurt, there had been no regret. No blame. He had loved her utterly, just as she had in return. It doesn’t make the loss easier, but it does bring some level of closure. “I will still try to bring him back. However I can. I owe him at least that.” Perhaps a difficult concept for the demigod of Safrin, whose domain is life. But Hotaru would try, until all options ran dry, if only to prove she had done all she could.

Nosy it may be yes. Hotaru doesn’t have the strength to care. Seren has proven herself a good listener, a young but worldly soul, and Ru is at her weakest and most pitiful. Company and open ears are all she can cling to right now. And the shoulder of course, which she leans into, petite form scarcely a weight at all against the young girl.

“He is a friend, though a tentative one. And married with his own children at that. Frey’s influence is...overwhelming, and though we both consented protection was far from our minds.” It’s hard to be delicate about the topic, but she tries her best. The idea of asking Frey for help  hadn’t come to her admittedly. “Perhaps I could ask Frey. The dangers I must face won’t wait until I have given birth...” In fact she feels each hour like sand slipping through her fingers. There is only so much longer she can wait and stall. But perhaps something could be done while she’s still pregnant to protect the baby?

“I love your mother Seren. I worshipped her equivalent in ways I’ve never done before or ever shall again back in my home land. But with how Sunjata hurt me, and what I feel for him...I doubt she’d ever desire to see me, even if my grudge is not with her.” It still hurts, to have burned a bridge she’d never had a chance to try and cross. “I know how she sees me. I can’t risk my child by trying now of all times to enter her graces.” They are too much alike after all. Vindictive, mercurial, narcissistic - all the worst qualities pitted head to head. Though Hotaru did not blame her, the same could not be said in reverse.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

It was difficult, indeed. Perhaps because it was not her own pain or her own companion, there was an inclination in Seren to simply let it lie. It was a life ended; it had played its role and now the candle was burned out. Would lighting it again be the same? Would it truly bring joy? Was the thread severed better off cut, or could retying it be done in a way that did not ruin the overall design? She did not know. That was Mort's realm, Ludo's domain, and not her decisions to make. "I hope that you will find peace, no matter the outcome," was all she could say, as she cradled Hotaru and rocked her slowly.

Tangled threads they were, too. The topic of Sunjata and her mother's anger was not one Seren was overly familiar with, and she sat quiet for a moment. Contemplating whether to admit her lack of insight or not. But she did not want to lie. "I... have to admit I don't really know your history with Sunjata," she murmured and leaned a cheek against golden hair. "He never talked about himself much... perhaps because I was so little when we were neighbors... I had no idea you were even married."  

Bare toes found something hard within the sand. Digging it out, it turned out to be a seashell. Not blue, but a perfect spiral of softest pink. Pretty and with insides gleaming like polished glass, it must have been a mermaid treasure discovered on some distant seashore. Absently, Seren offered it to Hotaru. "I can't really speak for Mother. But I don't think she would hurt your child, no matter what she feels about you. I think... you should ask yourself if you want to see her enough to face her - even if she is furious." Would she be willing to brave the storm, for a chance to see the stars through its eye? Perhaps now was not the time. But then again, perhaps now was the only time.

"It is your decision to make. If you prefer to ask Frey, you should do so. Or I can come with you, if you want to try speaking to Safrin. I don't know anything about babies, so even if I would offer to help you myself, I'm not sure it would actually get easier." A quick, rueful smile; accidents were prone to happening around her, and Hotaru probably did not need two menaces to look after.

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

The gentle rocking should not soothe her so effectively with the differences in age between them. It does, she can’t deny it. Accepting the girl’s insight with a small jerk of her head against Seren’s shoulder where she remains curled.

“It’s not a story meant for ears so young,” she murmurs, needing to assert this protective boundary for Seren’s sake. “He had your half-sister after promising me he’d have children of our own, and that he wouldn’t go to your mother because of Nate’s involvement as a father. It was a horrible betrayal - that’s all I can tell you in good conscience.” Unwilling to mar the girl’s image of the man, but just as unwilling to lie as the star-girl. “I hold no grudge against the babe, or your mother. But she was angry when I stabbed him, to be certain.” A dry, mirthless chuckle escapes her as she admits to that particular reaction. Angrier still to have roped Deimos into burning the Advocates, though she won’t admit to that part.

Idly she receives the rose shell, twisting it in her fingers and watching the starlight pour over its smooth inner curves. “I have always longed to meet her. But I cannot risk my child either, even if you believe in her capability for forgiveness.” A daughter would always trust in her mother’s kindness. Hotaru cannot fault Seren for that. But she cannot rely on it either.

“I will ask Frey first. They were there when it happened, and reproduction is their territory. But if they cannot help...I would prefer not to go alone to see your mother.” Cowardly perhaps to hide behind the shield of Seren’s regard for the goddess, but if it ensured her child’s safety she would disregard any pride she had. Turning to look at Seren is hard, hating to withdraw from the cradle of arms that help melt away the touch-starved sensations that have returned after leaving Remi, she gives a weak smile. “I’m sorry to have put all this on you. You are far too young for it, sweet girl.” Merely another regret to add to the pile.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

A broken promise. It was difficult to understand the weight of Hotaru's emotions based on so little - not enough to understand the stabbing - but Seren instinctively knew she did not have to understand. She only had to accept.

"I would probably be angry if someone stabbed my lover, too," she had to admit, though it was murmured slightly under breath - and not entirely without a smile, though it never quite reached her lips. "I don't think I would murder children over it... but that might just be me." Seren admittedly did not have the temper of either of her parents. Her ire was slow to wake and swiftly gone, like a summer thunderstorm.

As Hotaru sat up and looked at her, Seren only smiled back, warm and as reassuring as a nineteen year old girl could manage to be.

"Don't be sorry. This is what I am here for. To help, if I can." A simple statement, but somehow profound; much of her peace and security was born from a rare understanding of her own purpose - something most humans spent their entire lives searching for. "If you ever decide to visit Safrin, just say the word and I will be right there. Even if it's not about this; Frey will probably help if you just ask."

Tilting her head aside with birdlike curiosity, she asked; "Do you know them well? Frey, I mean. You did say they attuned you... What are they like?"

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

"Yes I'm sure she would be, and yet my anger and hurt is always the one found unjustifiable. Childish." There is a hurt and distance to her tone in equal measures that indicate that for all Seren's levity, her words have found a bruise and pressed down. She must bite the inside of her cheek to keep from saying more. From explaining. Her past is a storm too dark for Seren to weather, and her present too corrupting of the girl's outlook on her uncle-figure. For all her understanding this is not a story Hotaru feels she can reveal any further.

It is difficult to move past, this bitterness of hers, but it is so far away now on this island and with Seren's warmth at her side that it's easier to let it go. "Thank you," she murmurs, and places the shell on her thigh in order to squeeze Seren's knee, maternal and sisterly at once.

Frey is an easy topic. Safe, pleasant, positive. Hotaru has never been faithful by halves, always giving her entirety to whichever deity she swears herself to. There is a peace that falls over her features as she considers the question. "I only met the side of them that is ruled by sex and reproduction. They are...intense, for some. But to me they are so much more. They accept me - and everyone - as we are, regardless of what form we take or what desires we have. And I mean that in a broad sense of course, not merely sexually." They'd never cared that Hotaru had taken Ascended lovers, and they'd been the only deity she'd considered when it came to potentially bearing Nate's child. "They encourage satisfaction, self-indulgence. It is a form of self-care that so many view as selfish, but they're wrong. We deserve to feel good things, to share that feeling with others. They take away those worries, until there is nothing but pleasure, regardless of what kind." Her gaze strays out across the white sands to the dark ocean beyond, considering. "I've yet to meet the nature side, but I have considered myself more element than woman for many years of my life. Rae's realm means so much to me; animals, nature. It can be harsh and seemingly lawless, but power and compassion are equally meaningful in this world. To kill or to spare, to create communities or raze them down. We are all a little animal inside."

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

The girl cocked her head aside, and looked at Hotaru with mild surprise. "Is it? I didn't say that. You have every right to be angry. But, well... being angry does not give you the right to stab someone. That was a bit childish, yeah." Like a toddler lashing out, hurting because it was hurt - but she didn't say that. Hotaru probably already knew this, or why else would she take offense?

At least talking about Frey seemed to ease the woman's mind a bit, and Seren was happy to listen. Much of it was foreign concepts to her, while at the same time not. "I think I would get along best with Nature Frey," she mused, and worried at a lip with her teeth. "The 'self-care' you talk about... my friend Maeve called it 'fun', but I'm not sure I agree. So far it's only ever made me uneasy... and there's been nothing but talk and teasing." Seeing Hotaru now hardly made her feel better about it. One instance of letting go of control, of not thinking clearly, and look where it got her. Pregnant with the child of a man she didn't dare talk about it with, crying and afraid... How could any of it be fun when the price was so high?

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

A slight widening of the distance between them is her silent rejection of the idea. “No, but it hasn’t gone unsaid. Retribution is not childish - to lay back and be hurt is to let them win, and they go unpunished, to hurt someone again.” Sighing she shakes her head, golden hair swaying. “You are a good person, and gentle. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. Though I will say he’d given me the dagger with the invitation to stab him to make us even in the first place - delayed it might have been, he’d been fully aware.” There is a sardonic twist to her lips, wondering how Seren would take that particular piece of information. Sunjata had been not only aware of Hotaru’s capabilities, but he’d openly invited - nearly begged for - their usage against him. He was exactly the same, and yet since she hadn’t given the chance for the tables to turn (hadn’t betrayed and hurt him, not then at least) it was she who was labeled so caustically. Oh what the future might hold however - and then what would the girl think, when faced with Sunjata’s anger, which so mimics her own?

She pats Seren’s thigh with a small smile, not truly upset by the girl’s words themselves so much as how they echo a sentiment that grates eternally against her. “It is not a necessity of life, and you have plenty of time. It is something I have enjoyed many years - I don’t want to give you a bad outlook on it either, with how everything has fallen apart for me at once.” Turning her face away she frowns at the sands, inherently disliking the weakness she has shown. “Maeve and I understand each other that way. But not everybody does, and that’s okay. Teasing may be beyond you for now, and that’s okay too.” Maternal soul in full swing, she turns and uses her free hand to find Seren’s and gently intertwine their fingers, bolstered by the familiarity of guiding and raising a child. It gives her peace and certainty, the strength to look past her grief.

“Sex can be just that - a union of bodies for the sake of procreation or pleasure. But it is also called making love for a reason. Not everybody needs the former in their life, and certainly some never desire to experience it at all.” Seren may find herself among those ranks, and frankly only time would tell. “If you wanted to learn, or to explore, I’d encourage you to do so yourself long before anyone else does. Only you will ever know what you like, and you’re in control of everything you do. But it will only ever broaden your awareness of yourself, even if that’s deciding you don’t like it at all.” Smiling encouragingly, she squeezes Seren’s fingers, hoping to instill actual advice and information instead of bombarding her with flirtation or playful allusions she wouldn’t understand.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

The increasing distance worried her, and it reflected onto her face as always; Seren was incapable of lying, her every thought easy to read. "I'm sorry," she said, not wishing to make this into an argument. "You're probably right. Daggers and stabbing - it makes no sense to me. What does it mean to win? I would think that striking back would be to sink to their level. If I hurt someone because they hurt me... it would just never end." Honestly nonplussed, Seren shook her head. More bewildered than upset, this was one situation where her empathy was of no use. She could understand the pain, even the anger that came from a betrayal. But to go from there to acting it out upon another person... that just wasn't in her.

The small touches were soothing, and far from the flirtateous caresses Maeve had resorted to when giving a similar speech. There were no boundaries crossed here, and for that the young woman was grateful - it would have been more than awkward, while seated next to a dead animal and with Hotaru's face still blotchy from tears and oily ash. Even so, some of the things she said made Seren's shoulders hunch up; this was not the kind of things she thought about when speaking of explorations. Wild jungles, distant deserts and looming mountains, oh yes. But her own body?

She sighed.

"In theory it sounds lovely," she muttered. Absently she examined Hotaru's fingers, noting differences in nail structure and glossiness - her own were bitten down to the quick, bruised and calloused fingers more intrigued with swords and scaling trees than... whatever it was this woman did with her hands. "Meeting a special person and growing closer to them. Holding hands and stealing kisses under the moonlight. But then it just becomes complicated. I should have stayed a child; then none of it would have been important. Hugs would just be hugs."

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

Though the distance doesn’t widen any further her smile is a little sad as Seren apologizes. “There is balance in everything sweet girl. Those who fight and those who heal. All types are necessary - and even those that aren’t are still inevitably human. Don’t apologize for being different.” She glances back down at the shell in her lap. “Pregnancy simply makes one more emotional.” An unspoken apology of her own, for her brusqueness if not her words. She would still stand by those.

“You are still a child yet. Why worry? If it comes, it will come. Life is so much more than sex.” Smiling she gently bumps their shoulders together. “If I can still explore and adventure, and be terrorized by flying lizards, then clearly you have many more years of only-hugs ahead of you without seeming strange.” Seren is perfect the way she is, and Ru would give advice where she could and encourage blissful sameness where she could not.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru