you bleed just to know you're alive

Love, let's talk about love

"Then you shouldn't apologize either. Is it uncomfortable? To have another person growing inside you?" The world seemed full of pregnant woman (there were only two, Seren) and she couldn't help but be curious. It seemed so... cumbersome.

She did want to protest against being called a child. Seren felt grown up, looked like one too, yet people kept looking at her like she was not. Was it because of how often she smiled? Because she still enjoyed playing games and trusted everyone she met to be lovely souls full of kindness and integrity? Then she was bound to be called a child forever.

"Are you trying to say that you're old and tired?" she mumbled, half teasing. She leaned against Hotaru's shoulder, taking her turn to find comfort in the presence of another. Maybe it was really getting late, or perhaps the strain of being considerate and helpful had begun to catch up, but she had to suppress a yawn.

"Hotaru... do you know anything about herbs? Mother told me to collect some, from the plants that make dreamdust or snapdragon, or... whatever that third one was called. But I have no idea where to look."

Looking around in the night-dark space, Seren belatedly realized that the kitten had disappeared. Wishing for something to busy her hands with, she summoned a new one; one of the stars plopped down into the sand and coalesced into a tiny mewling ball of fur, softly gleaming and already scrabbling up into her lap. She missed Umbra; but the dragon was sound asleep in a bed with her name on it, dreaming of chasing cloud wyrms through azure skies.

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

Her laugh is fond and soft as it rises from her chest, and there is a deep gratitude for the way this shift in dynamic has chased away her grief. Life must go on. “No, not in the way you think. There are aches and pains to accommodate growing a new life, but it is a pleasant sort at heart. A burden you’re willing to carry out of love.” And love she does. So early into her pregnancy and already there is nothing she wouldn’t do for the little life inside her.

“No, exactly the opposite.” Still incapable of releasing Atlas’ horn, she drops Seren’s hand to tuck dark hair behind her ear. Unaware of her worries but finding the words to soothe it all the same. “There is no law that says we must grow up, or become adults - whatever that vague term means. You can be as old as you like and never change your ways. Adventure eternal my girl.” As if her blessing alone would assure it, the words are weighted and benevolent.

“My aunt was a proficient poisoner, and herbs came side-by-side with such knowledge. I’m confident I can identify what you need.” Living in Torchline had made her more than aware of the peddling of such mixed herbs. “They don’t grow in Halo however. The two I know of are in the Grounds or the Climb - the latter is closer of course.” Unaware that the girl would have to avoid portals, but it was accessible through Halo at least.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

"Aren't you afraid of losing yourself, by having a child?" she had to ask. "As soon as the baby is here, you will never have time for yourself again, and no one will say your name. You will be 'mother' or 'parent' or..." A hand waved awkwardly in mid air, searching and failing to find more examples. "You'll no longer be able to do what you want." A terrible shackle in her mind, even if it was a cute one. Having a companion was not even a comparison; Umbra could feed himself, and needed neither protection nor constant supervision.

Perhaps that was why she was still a child. But Hotaru was wrong on one point; Seren had never been allowed to grow at her own pace. Forged out of stardust to serve a purpose, her childhood had flashed by in less than a year until she now stood in a semblance of adulthood. Lacking in experience, immature in many ways while too grown in others; and she was only just starting down her path. "Then I think I'll stay as I am right now, and never change." Though she smiled at the notion, there was a somber undertone that wondered how much longer she would be free to search horizons at her own leisure.

Breathing in a long draught of air, Seren focused her thoughts on other matters. Distant regions and herbs, travel plans and ways to travel where she needed to be; "Mh, true. I've never been to the Climb... but I have business in the Grounds already. Might as well be efficient about it. What plant should I look for, if I go there?" A tingle in her stomach started up at the thought. The Grounds... there was something slightly spooky about the place in her mind. Perhaps because she had come to associate it so closely with the Voice, and unknown, shapeless threats conjured by her parents warnings.

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

“Those were fears I had when I was pregnant with my first child. They are questions that weigh differently for each parent at different points in their lives.” She had dreaded it mightily with Arya, so young was she when she’d conceived, but now it hardly scared her at all. “But I will not stop being Hotaru just because I’m a mother. I will still have friends and family, and they will happily provide me time to be myself if that is what I need.” Babysitting was not only for the baby’s benefit. “I was terrified to be changed into something I didn’t want when I first became a mother. But what I found after she was born was that I was still myself. Simply more.” Taking a bolstering breath, she turns her sad smile towards Seren. “And when I lost them, I was still me. Just a little less.”

As Seren curls into her instead, she wraps an arm around the girl and cradles her, heedless of their differences in stature. “Then so you shall be, until you yourself decide you want to change.” Change was inevitably externally, but Seren’s will could prevent those changes from becoming internalized if she desired.

Hotaru closes her eyes to envision the plant, Lakota’s gentle murmur in her ear as it always was and forever would be when she worked with herbs. “It’s a lily, white with prominent black spots on its petals. It is very poisonous, you must not touch it. Contain it somehow if you can, even disrupting the pollen can be dangerous.” Opening her eyes, she looks down at Seren. “Wear something over your mouth and nose, and take root and all into the container if you must. Be very careful, Seren.” Her tone a ghostly imitation of her aunt’s, who had said similar words when sending Ru off to harvest her own poisonous plants.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

Slowly, her eyes widened as the implication sunk in. This was not Hotaru's first child. And the fear of losing it... was very real, rooted in experience. It was a cold weight settling into the pit of her stomach, turning limbs to lead; pity, sorrow, compassion, and respect rose instead, for this woman who kept smiling through hardships Seren could not even begin to fathom. Fumbling for the hand not clasping a unicorn's horn, Seren squeezed it tight.

"Have you... thought of any names, yet?" she wondered, a little timid; she wanted to say something else, but any words that came to mind felt so empty and pointless before this graceful acceptance of her coming role. "And... well... you don't have to at all, but... can't you say who the dad is? I don't know if it matters, but..." A little confused, her smile was a fluttering thing, awkward and uncertain. Such private matters - yet the starchild felt involved all the same, after this. She wanted to know, if only to better lend aid, should it become necessary.

Hearing the description of the plant, she swallowed visibly. It was definitely not the safe jaunt for peppermint bark, and for a moment she was bewildered by her mother's intent in sending her for this thing. But then - she realized it was her own decision, whether to collect this particular one or not. "That sounds... interesting," she noted, and put on a brave face. This was adventure, right? Let's not chicken out here, Seren. "I will be careful, I promise. What kind of container should I use? In what conditions does the flower grow?"

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

Her only clue is the widening of Seren’s eyes, the horror on her guileless face before her own hand is squeezed. Hotaru’s face softens, understanding dawning. She doesn’t want to bring any further pain to the girl, refuses to say how many she has lost and in what ways. To describe how she was a mere season too late to save her only son from the Voice’s monstrous creations. It is indeed a very real fear, but one she can’t allow herself to dwell on too long. In this, she must be hopeful.

“Oh names are the hardest part. I don’t even know if they’re a boy or a girl, or if they’ll prefer something in-between when they are older. But perhaps Shiloh, or Ren. Though then you will match,” she teases gently. Shuffling in the sand to better hold the star-girl to her side as she contemplates the privacy of the father. “His name is Remi. We are friends, though neither of us is the type to be quite close so soon. But we are nothing more to each other, and he is happily married. I won’t force him to be part of the child’s life, but I intend to at least tell him.” There is no brave face that has to be put on. Hotaru is dedicated to the potential of having to raise the baby entirely alone. Simply being the genetic father will not ensure she hounds Remi in any way.

“I’m sure you will find it in the Oasis. Fertile ground is hard to find in the Grounds otherwise. Glass will be your best bet, from my own experience with it - metal would be another.” Whatever information she can provide to keep Seren safe is in the girl’s hands.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

Seren giggled softly; the names did sound a lot like hers, but she found that she did not mind at all. "I would be honored. They sound nice, both of them. I don't envy you the choice. Umbra named himself, so I didn't even have to think about it."

Settling in better against Hotaru, she had a strange sensation of disassociation. The endless dark over their heads, the twinkling stars, the rush of water and the woman's warm body pressing against hers - was this real? Did they sit here, curled up beside the corpse of a unicorn and talk about poisonous flowers, babies and gods? What a strange situation. And stranger it became, when Hotaru dropped the name of her baby's father.

The girl stilled, not even breathing as dots connected, painting a sprawling map of relations, attachments - huh? What?

Remi?  

She would never understand adults and their 'fun'.

"Eh..." She had to pause and clear her throat. "I... know him. He is the father of my little brother, Matheo. And... he's married to my father. Ronin." Blinking slowly, Seren glanced at Hotaru. Unsure if the woman had made these connections already - judging by the way she described the Lullaby, it was doubtful.

Still reeling, all she could do was nod about the details; herb gathering could wait. She was having a brother? Sort of? And... "Doesn't this... sort of make you my aunt?" It was a desperate attempt at turning this into something that made sense.

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

“There’s still plenty of time to consider as well.” Her hand drops to the barely-there curve at the bottom of her navel. “But it’s best to plan now. Once I’m the size of a whale, the only thing on my mind is how many more days till I pop.” Winking, she pulls Seren closer, the girl’s laughter singing sweetly in her ears.

Pressed so close, the girl freezing is immediately noticeable; Ru goes still much slower, cautious and wondering where she misstepped. The revelation is unexpected to say the least, and it only adds to the burden of her guilt. “Ronin already knows,” she assures, unwilling to make the girl think for even a moment that she would have to keep a secret from her father. “Well…not about the baby.” Her lip trembles slightly as she speaks, gaze sliding away. Ru is terrified to tell either of them. The one line she’d never crossed even in her wilder years was breaking apart a loving pair. Now she is cracking the bedrock beneath an entire family.

The title is unexpected, and a far better - and faster - reaction than she could’ve hoped for. Her laugh is a little strangled as it escapes her throat. “I suppose, in a way. But you don’t have to - that is, I’m not sure if Remi will be involved at all. I’m prepared to do this alone. I don’t want to ruin your family any more than I have.” And there it is, that unspoken regret, the apology that lodges in her throat.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

Unsure whether it made it better or worse that her father knew about this - and quickly deciding that yes, it was much better - Seren latched on to connection of family, no matter how frail it might be. It kept her from staggering into territory she was unfit for navigating - fidelity and the multitude of relations people involved themselves in, freedoms to seek pleasure in others despite wedding bands and vows - and helped her focus on the simple things. The ones that mattered.

"You couldn't break it, even if you tried," came her reply, steady and sure as the stars above them. "If I couldn't drive father and Remi apart, then your child won't either." Though even as she said it, Seren wondered - for the first time - what kind of storms that had raged when she was delivered from the stars. Had Remi known, and been fine with her dad and Safrin's relation? Perhaps there hadn't been any storms at all. Or maybe... But they were still together. And they had Mateo. And Seren was a part of them, just as they were a part of her. Right?  She had to be. Anything else would be too painful.

"Adding one more soul to love and protect can't possibly ruin us," she decided, and as she looked up at Hotaru it was as much a vow as it was a reassurance. "But you need to tell them, Hotaru. They can't be allowed to not know, or to find it out from someone else. That would be cruel."

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

“I don’t wish to,” she reassures, though that was not the intent behind Seren’s words. “But even if I wasn’t prepared to raise them alone, I wouldn’t ask anything of Remi or Ronin. Neither of them asked for this.” Neither had she, and yet here she was. Content to shoulder the blame, to pretend as if they never met her if that is what they needed her to do. The only thing she will not do is terminate the pregnancy.

“I’m not asking you to add them at all. A magically-induced accident does not warrant me or my child a place in your family.” The offer is appealing, but her heart is too withered to take it or place any merit in the words; certainly not when it’s from a young girl who can’t quite fully grasp the delicacy of the situation. “I intend to tell Remi. I think Ronin should hear it from him instead. But I don’t intend to keep it a secret.” No matter the inevitable consequences.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

Doubtful, she raked her fingers through the pale sand. Sifted it, building little mountains and valleys as she did.

"Do you really think that either of them would turn their backs on a child? Any child, let alone one of theirs?" she asked, only half sure of what the answer might be herself. It was true - she didn't know, and it was becoming increasingly apparent that she didn't know as much about her fathers as she thought. Because she counted Remi as one, even though they weren't close the same way she was with Ronin. Right now, that distance pained her and made her long for the stone city in the far south. Where they were, steady and constant as the very cliffs of Stormbreak.

As for Seren herself... she shrugged.

"I already love you," she told Hotaru with the simple honesty that was so characteristic of her. "I don't know you that well yet, but you are warm and kind, and we've had fun together. You have some anger issues, but everyone has their flaws; it's not enough of a reason for me to stay away.

If you'll let me, I would be happy to count your baby as a sibling - " a sly look passed over her face " - aunty Ru." And she nudged the woman softly with an elbow, in the same playful taunt that her father so often used on her.

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

"I hardly know your father," she points out gently. "And he has all the reason in the world to despise me or the child. It's an entirely different level than sex in an open relationship." Her hand flexes uneasily around the horn in her grasp. These are burdens she doesn't want to share with Seren, but she won't lie to the girl either, not when she's asking in such a forthright and unavoidable manner. "Remi may want to be involved, and I won't stop him. But I -" her voice goes a little strangled, and Ru looks away from the girl to find her resolve, banishing terrible memories of other tiny lives lost far too soon, "- I can't risk anything. I can't gamble on what-ifs, or promises of their kindness. I can't." It's far from eloquent and she knows it but her emotions are far too out of control to explain the trauma behind her terror.

But then Seren is saying she loves Hotaru, and all at once she feels like a cup brimming over, spilling where containment is no longer an option. Were it anyone else, Hotaru would scoff at the idea of loving someone so soon. Wouldn't be capable of returning the sentiment either. Seren, however, is a different story. Young and kind, slipping easily into the maternal channels of her own heart. The notion of anger issues is enough to prompt laughter back into her breast at the very least, though it doesn't hide the glimmer of tears along her lashes. Happy ones for once, even if this new connection between them certainly won't make things any easier with Seren's fathers.

Hotaru pulls Seren closer, pressing a lingering kiss to her temple, dark hair tickling her cheek. "I love you too, Seren." There is clearly no point in warning the girl away from herself, so acceptance is all that's left. "You're old enough to make your own choices; if you want to be part of your sibling's life, you absolutely can."

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru

Love, let's talk about love

She might be out of her depths when it came to sex and relations, but Seren did know when it was time to stop pushing. Hotaru's refusal must be respected, and so she refrained from adding more reasons why her defensiveness might make things worse, rather than better. This was a mother's decision, and all she could do was support it.

So she did. Snuggling in close, and smiling as her forehead was kissed, Seren slipped her arms around the other woman and squeezed her tight. Loving was easy. It took no effort to care for another. Maintaining relations, walking a balancing act between being too close and too far away was the tricky part; they may yet stumble there, to trip and fall apart in days to come. But right here, right now? The starchild was overflowing with affection, and caring not at all whether it was right or properly timed.

"Thank you, Ru. Then I'm chosing to stay. No matter what anyone else says or thinks, I'll always be here for you and your child." Arching her head back, she snuck a furtive peck onto her aunt's cheek; a little shy, and quick to hide away again against shoulders and behind golden curtains. It was a most comfortable place to be; Seren wouldn't mind staying right there for the rest of the night.

But perhaps Hotaru had other wishes. She had been interrupted in the middle of a meal, after all.

Is it anything and everything you hoped for?

SEREN

my darling can you hear it? something's lurking in the leaves
I can feel its preying eyes on us from somewhere in the trees

Silence is a relief for once, Seren’s closeness and warmth belying her support even as she doesn’t push any further. Her faith in her father is a positive quality but one that Hotaru knows all too well can’t be relied upon as an unbiased judge of character. His ties to Safrin only make him more dangerous, and as much as she enjoyed their brief visit to see the stars, her own desires do not define the world and the actions of others.

She knows it would be easier to terminate the pregnancy. In all ways. But she can’t. Not because she is against the idea as a whole, but because this may be her only chance at being a mother again; nobody else wants her, love is a foregone idea. This mistake is all she has to keep her going right now.

At least her despair is not noticeable, Seren’s arms still wrapped securely around her middle. A smile grows unbidden at the hasty kiss upon her cheek, and she used her own arm around Seren’s back to pull her closer, even if all space seems to have vanished by now. “Thank you sweet girl.” Ru is certain the girl will hear all sorts of vile things about the Valkyrie; only time will tell if she will stand by her words or if doubt and bitterness will fester. “How long can we stay here?” Glancing about as she wonders exactly how real the island is.

my dear don't let it catch you - all that's left to do is run

Hotaru